Bill Gates, Why Do You Hate Me So?

Dear Mr. Gates,
I desperately need you to explain something to me. You are a great humanitarian. You have given away countless amounts of money. You have your own charitable foundation. And yet, you allow the continued torture of your Microsoft Office customers by your programmers. Why is this? Where is your humanitarian spirit when it comes to us? We have “upgraded” to Office 2007 ( I know, just in time for 2010 to come out, talk to our “fabulous” tech person.) and I can’t say I’m lovin it. In fact, I can’t say ANYONE in our office loves it. The “Ribbons”, even though they sound pretty, are in truth heinous. I’m sorry, but I must be honest with you on this one. In MS 2003 I cursed your name for not allowing more than 65,500+/- records in Excel. In my job I often deal with records upwards of 75K, into the 100K. I HATED having to cut my file into two. I was always afraid I was going to miss someone. When 2007 came around I rejoiced that Excel could now handle 1 MILLION RECORDS!!!!!! SWEET HEAVEN ON HIGH!!!!! And I resolved to remove you from my shit list.
Today however, you have regained your number 1 spot back on my shit list. Today, I needed to export 756K records into Excel from Access. (please forgive me; anyone of you, who are lost at this point) It would be no problem right? ONE MILLION RECORDS, I had several hundred thousand records to play with! No sweat! Alas, Bill, may I call you Bill? Bill, I got an error message. The message told me that “Clipboard” could only handle 65K records and that I should try cutting my list into two. Whaaa? But, but, BUT!!!! This cannot be the case! You promised me ONE MILLION record capacity!!! What is the point of that if I can’t use it??? I tried exporting (I miss my office links -> analysis in excel, must EVERYTHING be exported nowadays?) it as a Text file. Same error. Bill, I don’t like getting errors. It raises my blood pressure and puts me into panic mode. Surely, Bill, you can understand my SHOCK to find that CSV is NO LONGER offered as an Export option. Did CSV offend you somehow Bill? Did CSV fall into the wrong crowd and you felt the need to punish it? Were you tired of it getting confused with CVS? Text just doesn’t do it for me. CSV used to be my work-around to your little 65K record limit. Of course I still couldn’t open it in Excel, but it made me feel like I was somehow beating the system. Bill, you have taken that wee bit of triumph away from me. It seems to me that you have woefully underestimated the usage of your product. It is as though you’ve said, “Eh, I’ll TELL them they can list ONE MILLION records at a time, but goodness me, they’ll never actually USE it!! Hahahahahahaha. HA.”
So I curse you and your tantalizing carrot waving of ONE MILLION (Dr. Evil voice EVERY SINGLE TIME) record capacity in Excel.
As Rep Joe Wilson says: “YOU LIE!”

Mother Nature Gets Naughty with Father Time....2X

Has anybody else heard about this?? Isn't this CRAZY??? Babies of the same lady. Conceived 2.5 weeks apart!!!

You could pass some of that conception around, I'm just sayin'.

OINK OINK

Conversation I JUST had in the office kitchen:


Me: "Hey K!"

K: really gruff "Hey."

Me: "WHOA! You sound really rough."

K: "YEAH! I think I had the swine flu last week. I am FEELIN really rough."

Me: "oh."


Um, HI? Why are you here? GO HOME! We have 2 pregnant ladies in our office! And lots of parents of small children!!!

WTF people? Swine Flu, cold, regular flu, STAY HOME.

Nobody likes you that much anyway.

Over the Weekend.....

I washed my hair 4x in less than a 24hr period. Not the best water saving mission, but that is how things played out this weekend.


My chin exploded in zits like I was 15 again. Despite the massive amounts of EXTREMELY expensive anti-acne cremes, salves, washes and over-night products, the mountain zit in the middle of my chin continues to grow. It is extremely embarrassing to have to be at work and have said zit pulsate at my co-workers while we chat. I feel greasy and nasty and wish to wear a bag over my head until the volcano blows and begins to shrink.


I spent a good $80 on splints and support wraps because at 35 and 2 months my manky ankle refuses to be anything but trouble and has convinced my knee that they should work against me in tandem. They sent a telegram to both my hips who won't allow me to sleep on either of them, the muscle group in my upper buttock who have formed a fist sized knot that shoots pain back down my thigh (ha ha knee! backfire!), the RIGHT side of my neck which refuses to play nice with the pillow and my entire back muscle coalition.

F informed me that if I want to go somewhere for our 1 YEAR anniversary that I need to start looking now, and it must have a fireplace to keep us warm. This little task was given to me after he questioned me, "Do I REALLY have to get you something?" and "You mean you REALLY want that cookbook from Pioneer Woman?? Can I buy it in the store, or only from Amazon??"
Apparently giving him the link on Amazon was still too involved for him and I might as well go out and buy it myself and give myself a really romantic card while I'm at it.

My mom got off on her Alaskan cruise just fine, but no one has heard from her since. We are all just assuming that she doesn't have cell service on the water and is too cheap to pay for Internet time on the boat to let us all know she is still afloat. (see what i did there??)

TV Vortex

Tuesday Night I sat down and found that of the 300 channels we have there was NOTHING on. As I was scrolling through the on-screen-guide The Biggest Loser was playing in the background. As the people began to tell their stories so they could "get to know each other" I began to cry. Seriously. WTF? Some of the stories were truly heart wrenching. Abby? The teacher who lost her husband and 2 little kids in a car accident? OMG. I was sucked in. I have a feeling I'll be watching this show the rest of the season.
The one thing that really annoyed me? Jillian. And to a lesser extent, Bob. And their need to SCREAM at the contestants. And YELL SWEARS at them. Really? When was the last time you felt motivated by someone screaming in your face? Motivated to retaliate, maybe. Jillian is a little self righteous. I don't know if I can handle watching her all season. But I will try.
Did anyone else find themselves crying during this episode???

Dial me a Dinner

Phone call I received from F:

F: "Hey! I'm on Pioneer Woman and I'm looking for a post for stuffed peppers. Does she have something like that?"

Me: "Um, I don't know. Go to her new website Tasty Kitchen and I'm sure you can find one there."

F: "Her what? Where?"

At this point I had to open her Blog to make sure I wasn't going crazy, and that there is in fact a link for Tasty Kitchen.

Me: "On the left hand side, a link for Tasty Kitchen. You should find something there."

F: "OH Tasty Kitchen!! Got it! Ok, thanks!!!"

Mind you, F has been attempting to make stuffed peppers since day one of us meeting each other. The last time ended in a huge pot of water with saturated saggy peppers that went out in the trash before I could even asses the situation.
I love that he immediately thinks of the Pioneer Woman as a reference for good food. Even if he does complain that it has too much butter or is too rich. She is still his go-to gal.
Thank You Ree.
And I've already put in a Christmas wish list order for her new cookbook. And yes, I'm willing to wait to have it until Christmas even though it becomes available 3 DAYS after our 1 year anniversary.

The Gift Card just got BETTER

Best Headline, EVER.

Battling syphilis ... with Wal-Mart gift cards

Just Call me Grandma

I went to the doctor. I told her of my issue with my manky ankle. She prescribed, Compression Stockings.

Just call me Grandma D.H.

Well, at least they come in colors, so I can pass them off as Trouser Socks.

I am only 35!! Not 80!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where they find the "Guests" For Jerry Springer

Thank You Sassy Two Socks.
This new website has brightened my day.
A whole blog dedicated to the People of Walmart, or as I like to refer to it, White Trash World.

Please shower after exiting.

8 Tracks and LPs

My friends from High School informed F and I this weekend that we are "out of touch" with today's music scene.

We were at a wedding and they would get up and go dance, waving or yanking us out onto the floor with them.

"Who IS this???" I'd yell over the music.

"WHAT???!!! This is POPin Hot Rockin!!!!!"(totally made up that name, because i can't even remember what they said, on any of the several occasions.)

"WHO????????????"

"You gotta get this on your iPod!!!" exclaimed my highly intelligent, highly intoxicated friend.

"We don't have iPods." F and I admitted in unison.

*HORRIFIED GASP!!!!!* from the entire table.

"You guys live under a rock?????????????"

F and I are both 80's babies. Throw in some early 90's from when I was in college, and you have my music mix. Well, aside from the stuff I grew up listening to because of my parents, but that's another blog entry. At home, work and in the car I listen to a radio station whose tag line is, "All the music the rap station doesn't play." So there are new songs, new groups, but none that was blaring out of the speakers at the wedding.

So, in the spirit of being more hip, I cued up the "hip hop urban" radio station on my computer at work, the "rap station" my station refers to, and tried to listen. It lasted for 10mins before I muted it. Then I forgot I'd muted it, and turned it back on, only to mute it again in a few seconds. I can't do it, I can not listen to this station. I highly dislike it. I USED to listen to this station, but then their morning show just got out of hand, and the music just got too rappy, and I called it a day several years ago.

I'm afraid I'm classified as "Easy Listening".
What was that song a few years ago about a mom who thinks she's hip but is still living in the 90's? Yeah, that's us.

Another One Bites the Dust

I haven’t been reading Blogs for very long, but I have become attached to a certain few and in fact have very little time or inclination to find new people to read. Not to say that I haven't. I celebrate the day I found April's Reign and Big Mama. Since I’ve began reading I’ve seen 5 go the way doo-doo bird. Most recently I’d found my way to Wind In Your Vagina, a dad’s prospective of day to day life with the kids. Just as I was getting through his back logs, he went all privatized. The biggest blow to my reading line up was Such Great Heights, known by those who loved her as Clink. Every now and again I’ll cruise over to her site to see if she’s back to posting, and once in awhile I’ll get a small hit, but nothing daily. No dissection of her wedding day. No new from-the-nose-down pictures. Did she start a new Blog? I don’t know. It happened in the past; she changed providers, or URLs. Same thing happened with [redacted] when his life changed via a break-up. He’s been posting on the new Blog for about 3 years now. Hell, I don’t even remember what his old blog was.
And let’s not forget The Company Bitch. She was my first. She just stopped. No warning, like Clink. No clue to the new site, like [redacted]. Just one post that left you wanting more. And now? Now I’ve lost Each of the Two. She was back from “theater camp” one day, promising to tell us all that had gone down and all that was to come with the ever looming wedding, and then:

Blog not found
Sorry, the blog you were looking for does not exist. However, the name eachofthetwo is available to register!


Whaaaaaaaaaa????? Are you kidding me??? I can’t find new ones fast enough to replace the old ones. Blogs are like good books that you never want to end. You want to continue to know how their lives evolve and change. It’s like someone ripped out the last chapter. There have been days when I toy with the idea of stopping. When I have nothing to give. When I want to share, but know it is just too personal to do so.
So I know how they feel. Sometimes, it is just easier to grab your coat and leave when nobody is looking.
Problem is, they ARE looking. Looking and waiting to see you again.

Cash, Check, But Not Money Orders, Please

Did you know that Western Union Money Orders are not considered cash? Did you know that Western Union Money Orders are easily duplicated and forged, thus making them less trust worthy? Especially because you can get them ANYWHERE?
Did you know that because of the forgery risk that your bank/credit union will put a 5 day hold on the funds?
No?
Me either.
This is what my Kindly Credit Union Teller told me on Saturday when I went to deposit the rent from our Tenant. (he’s signed on for another six months, but that’s another blog entry.)
I usually deposit via ATM, so this was the first I’d heard of the 5 day hold. I’d always assumed that since a money order has to be purchased with cash that meant it was as good as money. Not so. Western Union money orders are viewed as checks and must go through a clearing process same as a check. When I told the Kindly Credit Union Teller that I had been making that deposit every month for about a year now, he got flustered and told me he would have to speak to his manager. His manager backed his story. And thusly I was told it would be best to have our tenant pay by Postal Money Order because those are the only REAL money orders and are much less likely to be forged.
Learn something everyday.

However, what I did not like our Kindly Credit Union Teller telling me is that, “I checked your balance and I can’t see where having this on hold would be a problem for you.” Um, sorry? How is that your call? You don’t know what my finical situation is and you should really refrain from commenting on it. I appreciate you explaining the whole reason for the hold, I do. But please, keep your comments about how my current bank balance should cover our finical situation for the next 5 days to yourself; because that is truly not something you should be expressing your views on. It’s just not.

The French Do It

It was dark out, the rain was misting, I was tired, F was tired, but we still needed to load up some firewood for the camping trip. I slipped on F's tennis shoes and clomped out to the back yard to help. 10 mins later I was back in the kitchen finishing up "pre cooking" the bacon for the coming camp breakfast. It was hot inside the house, and I was glad I had changed into my "wife beater" and shorts earlier. But as hot as I was, something cold was on my leg. I did the "shake it off" leg jiggle, but that didn't help. I did a few more things in the kitchen and realized that the "cold" was moving on my leg. I looked down and saw a................snail, without the shell.

"Don't freak out. Don't freak out. Don't freak out." I told myself as I looked around the disaster area of a kitchen to find something to remove the snail with. I grabbed a used paper towel out of the trash can and plucked said snail from my calf.

Apparently instead of throwing it in the trash I should have rubbed it about my face and neck, who knew???

Fort Knox: The Library of a Teenager

My 14yr old niece is heavily into the Twilight Series. Big shocker right? SES borrowed the books from her and having read them, told me how great they were and that I needed to read them too. Since I love to read, when the mood strikes, I figured what the heck? Maybe it would be a little Anne Rice lite kind of reading.
When I saw my niece recently I poised my query, “Hey, K, can I borrow your Twilight books?”
K without missing a beat: “I don’t lend those out anymore ever since my friend Nicole never gave me the one she borrowed back.”
Completely. Dead. Serious.
ES and I both gasped.
ES: “What? You won’t let your own AUNT borrow your books?”
Me: “Really! Geez.”
K: “Yes. Really.”
ES and I both laughed, “WOW.”
ES: “Dang, your Aunt is like 25 yrs older than your friend! And far more responsible! I can’t believe you said no!!”
Me: “No kidding.”
K: “I might reconsider.”

What the? Cold man. She was cold. And hardcore.
But I was also kind of proud of her. She stuck up for what is hers, and wasn’t going to be bullied.

K: “Ok, you can borrow them. But you better NOT WRECK THEM!!!”

Ok, so maybe it was more the guilt rather than bullying.

Me: “Thank you! I know how to treat books; I grew up in a library after all!”

I left their house without the books.

Or maybe, she just knows how to play the game.

Bad Combo

White Blouse + Bloody Nose = Tide Pen EMERGENCY!!!

I don't understand why the Tide Pen leaves that weird ring after it drys on some fabrics but not on others.

Design flaw.

But still better than a bloody stain on my blouse.

EPT, Not so 'E'

I was watching “I didn’t Know I was Pregnant” because YAY! We finally got cable back and I was flipping through the channels trying to find something to watch out of the 250 channels we have; plus Miss Molly had mentioned watching it and it peaked my interest( i think she did, can't find the post.). The show is truly amazing. How these women have little to no symptoms or weight gain, or any of the things a “normal” pregnancy would experience. Some of it, yeah I think is denial, none of them said the felt the baby move, how is that possible? And I totally felt for them when they went into labor unbeknownst to themselves. How much would you freak the hell out if you were having that kind of pain out of no where? I know I would. Anyway, I was flipping between that and another show when F comes up out of the basement.

F: “You know I’ve been listening to what you’re watching.”
Me: *dazed as I try to refocus my attention on him* “What??”
F: “This show you are watching, about the women.”
Me: *still dazed* “Yeah??”
F: “Are you trying to tell me something???”
Me: *pause* “wha? It’s just a show I’m watching.”
F: “You sure?”
Me: *SIGH*
F chuckles to himself as he turns and goes back down into the basement.

Now, really, would I watch a show about not knowing about being pregnant if I KNEW I was pregnant? (i am not pregnant, trust me on this one)

He seriously likes to just mess with me for the sake of messing with me.

Go AWAY!

I'm having one of THOSE days where everything and everyone one is annoying me. I was out of the office for the afternoon yesterday and came back this morning to a note on my chair. I have no problem with the note on my chair, "Can we talk about this? Thanks B" attached to a work request. The work request is WRONG, as per usual from B. B seems to have problems following directions. And no matter how many times I walk B through the process, it is still wrong. Knowing that my irritation with B was due in part to simply ME, I decided I would wait to go talk to B until I'm come down off the irritation interstate. B however decided that "talking about it" was no longer up to me and pops into my office.
"HEY!!!!!!! You get my note??????!!!!!"
(uh no, is that what this extra padding on my chair is??? your note???)
"Yep, but I'm in the middle of something else right now."
"Oh. Well, when you get a chance, come see me."
(not if i don't have to!)
"Yeah, ok."

Why do people assume that because you leave a note to come see you, it is implied that is HAS to been immediately??? The note did not say ASAP!!! or SOON!!! MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH!!!
You have put the ball in my court and when I am ready to serve it back to you, trust me, you'll know. Next time, don't leave a note. If you must talk to me, then wait, and HAND it to me. With a, "I think we need to go over this." Which will be received much better. No matter how my day is going.

But for now, GO AWAY!

An Open Letter to AmEx

Dear American Express:
Until recently, I never counted myself as one of you card holders. When F and I joined Costco*, part of the deal was getting one of your cards. Since AmEx is the ONLY credit card Costco* will accept. Not too long ago you sent F (the account is in his name) a letter stating that due to the current economic climate, you were reducing our credit limit. In your letter you stated that if we wrote and asked you the reasoning behind why you did this, you would tell us. So I hopped on my computer and fired off a short letter requesting this information. In my rush, I transposed our house number. You sent a letter, to the “new” address, which happened to be our neighbor, confirming the “address change” on the Costco AmEx, but wanted to know if we would also like to “change the address” on the “Blue” AmEx. With absolutely NO mention of the actual reason of my letter, the credit line reduction.
HUH????
Since the 30day window to obtain this information had passed, I filled out the “change of address” box on the next bill and sent it back. I am still waiting to receive a letter confirming the “address change” back to what it was originally.
During this waiting period we receive two identical letters concerning each AmEx card telling us, that once again, due to the “economic climate” you are INCREASING the APR.
I can’t help but see a pattern here concerning your reasoning skills. First, you seem to lack attention to detail. I write you a letter requesting information, and you change my address. You are quick enough (not really) to notice that we have 2 cards with you and want to know if the address for the second card needs to be changed. But you are NOT quick enough to send us ONE copy of a letter increasing our APR. I can see now where that increase is being put to use, mailing and printing costs.
Second, your reasoning behind increasing the APR seems to be decidedly short sighted. It is quite clear across the nation that people are losing jobs, homes, and are barely scraping by, but you decide now, NOW would be an EXCELLENT time to charge these same people more money. I feel it is my duty to point out the obvious, that these people do not have extra money to cover your increased APR.
I can see that I should have stuck with my past avoidance of you. My knowledge of you then was that you charged people a yearly fee for the privilege of paying off their card each month which, contrary to your marketing hype, is not accepted everywhere, and it IS best to leave home without it.
Consider this my first notice that once these cards are paid off, we will in fact be cancelling them. Because I’m sure you’ll take this to mean we want ANOTHER card with you and hence I’ll end up having to cancel 3 cards instead of just 2.

*Costco??? Get your head out of your ass and come to the realization that AmEx has got you (and your customers) over a barrel and they are all out of Vaseline.

Me chatting with my Mom did NOT put your Life in Danger

To the snarky lady who was purposely overtly loud in her query to the gas attendant at Costco the other night about whether or not you are allowed to use your cell phone while pumping gas, as you were eyeing me as I talked to my mom, YES, yes you are allowed. As the attendant, equally loudly answered, "There is NO law against it."as he stood and watched me like I was about to drive off without paying(which you can't do, since you have to pay first).
There is also no danger in doing it.
Brush up on your urban legends missy, Snopes.com.
Plus there was no sign posted telling you to not use your cell while pumping. If there had been, I would have hung up. Just like I make F turn the car off before pumping, because "they" say so.
One other thing, dancing about 3 to 4 feet away while waiting for your gas to pump, is NOT going to save your life in case me and my evil cell phone conversation with my mom goes array and ends up igniting the Costco gas station in an apocalyptic fire ball.
So THERE! nah!

I'm not Techie

I got the e-mail below. Has anyone heard of these people? Is this something I should do? Anyone?

Hello.This is Howard from feedmil.com, a new real-time search engine dedicated for fast feed discovery. I am writing to invite you to submit a short informative description about the feed you publish at http://adulthoodsucks.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default .At feedmil, we provide not only feed search but also individual feed pages so that users can conveniently examine more details about a feed before they decide whether or not to subscribe to it. For instance, your feed page at feedmil can be found at [redacted]. Description about your feed in your own words will be listed under the section titled "Words from the Author(s)" of your feed page at feedmil, and we believe that it will help your potential subscribers better understand what your feed is mainly about and what kind of feedback you want, possibly increasing the number of subscribers to your feed.You can send me any content you like to be displayed under "Words from the Author(s)" for your feed by replying to this email, and any kind of additional materials in the form of attachments in the reply email would be welcome as well.I sincerely thank you for all the great content you publish, which makes the service like ours possible. Your attention would be highly appreciated.
Thanks.
Best wishes,
Howard The Feedmil Team

Monkey in the Middle

Before F arrived on the scene it was just me. Just me and my family. I may have been the go-between, between siblings, but it was rare. Now? Now I find myself caught in the middle often. A sibling will do something that negatively(perceived) affects F and I, and F will go into a tailspin of anger. Over the last few months he has been butting heads with SES. He does not let these "slights" go easily. He will fume about her and the "incident" and I will be caught in the middle defending her to him, or defending him to her. I do not like discord amongst those that I love.
I suppose before F arrived on the scene if there was discord among the family I tended not to notice. Assuming that everything was fine, and everyone got along fine. Once F arrived, my eyes were opened, I guess you could say, or people became more open, and I began to see that everything is not fine, and everyone does not get along.

I do not know what to do about being the monkey in the middle. Be it between F and the sibs or the sibs themselves. I am very concerned about how everyone perceives each other. Does SES think F is a lying loud mouth ass? Does F think SES is a nosey bitch (pretty much, yeah)?
I feel like I have to choose a side. But I can't because that is never a good idea. Someone always ends up hurt. And ususally, both sides have valid points.
How do you, my digital friends handle these kind of conflicts? Because right now, I just want to go home and mix myself a VERY large adult beverage and watch hours and hours of Clean House and Say YES to the DRESS! and pretend that a pretty dress and a shiny new kitchen will make everything all better.

Pants and Protest

Cops beat women protesting Sudan trouser ban

Group supporting female journalist arrested for wearing trousers in public

Sudanese journalist Lubna Hussein, right, who faces 40 lashes on the charge of "indecent dressing," flashes a victory sign to her supporters as she enters the court in Khartoum on Tuesday. She is going on trial for wearing trousers in public, a violation of the country's strict Islamic laws.


Can I just tell you, that as I read this article, I was upset. Granted, I do not understand this, fear? of women wearing slacks, pants, trousers, whatever you may call them. I do understand that not long ago women did not wear "trousers" in the USA. And we've moved past this. I do understand that there are still some places where the dress code requires women to continue to adhere to this thought pattern. Dressing in this manner however is a matter of personal choice. You do not have to work at the place that requires you to wear a skirt and pantyhose. You can choose a religion that allows you to dress as you please. I know a woman, whom I in fact just reconnected with via FB, whose religion mandates that females wear skirts and/or dresses when out in public. She wore a skirt to school EVERY SINGLE DAY. She explained that in her version of the Bible (yes there are different versions, something I didn't know until like my late teens) it says that men and women are to dress differently. I don't remember all the logic behind it, but it made sense at the time. Especially since she stressed it was a choice to follow that dress code. But outside of that, No one is going to arrest you for wearing "trousers" in public. If this were the case, I would be flogged on a daily basis. I own exactly 3 skirts, and 4 dresses. I have never been much of a skirt/dress wearer. Even as a child. In fact, now that I think about it, neither of my sisters are skirt wearers, even though our mother, who is of the skirt & pantyhose era, is very much a skirt/dress wearer. I own at least 10 pairs of jeans, and 9 pairs of dress pants that I wear to work each week. Not all at once of course. I do not feel that because I wear "trousers" that I am less feminine. Wearing trousers does not change the fact that I am a female. That is all DNA, something I can not change. Wearing "trousers" can not now, nor will it ever, change that fact. When there are people in great need of food and clean water and proper housing and health care**, I find it extremely distressing that a government chooses to put resources into policing a dress code("public order police") instead of helping its people. I do not believe I will ever understand the oppression of woman based in religion which is then made into law. Every time I see an article like this I can't help but ask myself, "Why are they afraid of their women???"
Ignorance on my part, perhaps. If someone can explain it to me, I ask that you do. Politely of course. You can maybe make me understand, but you can never convince me.


**I do realize the US is not anywhere near blameless where any of these things are concerned. And I know we, as a nation, need to fix our own problems.

Deadly Habit

Turkey's Smoking Ban Takes a Hit
Enraged at having his cigarettes confiscated, a customer killed a restaurant owner in southwest Turkey. It's the first—and hopefully last—such casualty since a ban on smoking in bars and restaurants took effect. The Turks are heavy smokers, but similar bans have worked in places like Paris.

That is crazy insane!!! People have no self control anymore. It's a pack of cigs for pete's sake! Was it really worth the loss of a life and your own personal freedom?????
God help us all.

MORE PLEASE

That dinner F was going to make from Pioneer Woman via Pastor Ryan?? OMG, OMG!!!!! I had seconds!! He undercooked the pasta a little, F does not deviate from the recipe so when it said not to cook the pasta more than 5 mins, he didn't, even though it CLEARLY was not done. However, Bacon and Pasta?? My new love!!! Holy cow. After eating the just as yummy if not more so leftovers for lunch F tells me his plans for the "next time" he makes the dish: "I think next time, instead of the bacon, I'll use CHICKEN! (omg, why? i loves the bacon! i'm sure the chicken will be fine too though.) And less of the Parmesan cheese. It was too much. (uh, there's NEVER too much CHEESE! fewer onion, yes, but not the cheese!)
Days later and he is STILL patting himself on the back for this dish. It was good, very good. Now I want some, dang it! I don't dare ask for it though, because I'll never hear the end of it from Chef F.

The Agnony of Aging

What follows is the IM log from me and CBF as she throws out her back during our chat:

Me: We're getting cable back!!! Along with DVR!!!!!!!

Crazy Best Friend :( 2:22 PM): DH-- you can DVR all of the HGTV kitchen reno shows and we can discuss. Gee, that sounds like such fun, doesn't it.

Crazy Best Friend:(2:25 PM): Those fug girls just slay me. Comparing a floral print dress to the cans in Sleeping with the Enemy? Genius.

Me: (2:26 PM): i haven't had time to read them

Me: (2:26 PM): my blog time has been seriously cut with my new deadline, deadline

Crazy Best Friend:(2:27 PM): Following them on twitter helps. They send out notices whenever they post a new fug.

Crazy Best Friend:(2:27 PM): Damn-- what is this project you are working on?

Crazy Best Friend:(2:29 PM): Oh DH-- I just pulled something in my back.

Me: (2:37 PM): it is not a new project, my "turn around" time is going to be cut from 10 days to 7 days

Me: (2:37 PM): oh CBF, better get it looked at!

Crazy Best Friend:(2:38 PM): I think I need to have a chiropractor on retainer.

Me: (2:39 PM): that sounds great, i need my back cracked daily

Crazy Best Friend:(2:41 PM): I've never been to a chiro--- have you?

Me: (2:44 PM): oh yeah

Me: (2:44 PM): for my neck

Me: (2:45 PM): i pinched a nerve in high school

Crazy Best Friend:(3:25 PM): DH-- I can barely move-- seriously. Like I can't get up without shooting pains.

Me: (3:31 PM): take some drugs, and then call and make an appointment

Crazy Best Friend:(4:11 PM): I can't even dial my phone to ask someone to help me get up.

Me: (4:12 PM): dude, that is not good. send them an e-mail???

Crazy Best Friend:(4:12 PM): I did-- everyone is at lunch.

Me: (4:13 PM): so there is no one to dial anyway

Me: (4:13 PM): how in hell did you throw out your back while sitting?

Crazy Best Friend:(4:13 PM): You make an excellent point. If you could only see how I'm sitting-- sideways to the keyboard, partially slumped in my seat.

Crazy Best Friend:(4:13 PM): I hurt it bending down to my little dorm-room size fridge to get a diet dr pepper.

Crazy Best Friend:(4:13 PM): This is really quite sad.

Me: (4:13 PM): can you wheel yourself out? with your feet?

Crazy Best Friend:(4:14 PM): Oh God-- please don't make me laugh.

Me: (4:14 PM): dr pepper! your death CBF! (the dentist told her, after $4K in dental work, that yes, indeed soda, DIET soda will rot your teeth and jack up your insides.)

Me: (4:14 PM): sorry

Crazy Best Friend: (4:14 PM): Again, do not make me laugh-- now my hips are hurting.

Me: (4:15 PM): why when you tell someone to leave a voice mail they don't?

Me: (4:15 PM): never mind the jerk is leaving a vm, it is the 5th time he's called, i'm not joking

Crazy Best Friend:(4:16 PM): As you said earlier DH, people are stupid.

Crazy Best Friend:(4:17 PM): Oh-- there's someone down the hall in my dept-- going to email her and ask her to help me to my car

Me: (4:17 PM): are you sure you can drive?

Crazy Best Friend:(4:18 PM): I dont' know, but I'm limited in the options department. If I can get home, I think I will be ok-- I have some muscle relaxants there and a place to lie flat.

Me: (4:18 PM): i mean if you can't even dial a phone.......

Crazy Best Friend:(4:19 PM): because the phone is too far away. It's like an arm length and a half from me.

Me: (4:19 PM): ah, gotcha. please be careful CBF

Crazy Best Friend:(4:19 PM): This is such an I've fallen and I can't get up moment.

Crazy Best Friend:(4:20 PM): damn, person down the hall is apparently not in her office.

Me: (4:21 PM): hell!

At 4:30 I received this slow spoken distressed voice mail: "OMG DH, I made it to my car but I have really miscalculated getting out of my car and getting up the stairs to my apartment. Hopefully there will be someone there to help me up the stairs. Because you know people are so helpful and neighborly. Also I noticed that one of my tires is low. But I don't think I'll be stopping off at the gas station and getting air at this point. OH LORDY how could I have managed to get myself in this clusterfuck?! Also I hope I don't have to turn around and look over my left shoulder for any reason at all. Byyyyeee."


I called her back 20mins later. She was lying on her couch with her phone in her bra for easy access. I tried so hard not to giggle and laugh as she told me about the screaming as she exited her Land Rover, or the "oh god!" with each stair of 15 it took to get to her apartment, or how she can't drink anything because she can't bend in order to sit on the toilet and pee. "This is the road map of aging DH. (she is 7 yrs older than me) I am your future. This is what you have to look forward to with getting older. STOP MAKING ME LAUGH! ( i couldn't stop giggling) I pulled a muscle a few weeks ago while shaving my legs. Oh god. I may have to call someone tomorrow to help me get up!!!"

Me: “Why haven't you taken that muscle relaxer yet? That would have been the first thing I did when I got home?"

CBF: "Because I'm talking to YOU!"

Me: "Oh, well I'll hang up now then."

CBF: "Thank you for being so supportive and non-judgmental in my time of need."

Me: "Always CBF, ALWAYS." *giggle*


Hurting your back is not funny, that's not why I couldn't stop laughing. Hurting your back while getting a Diet Soda?? Now that IS funny, especially when you have a flare for the dramatic like CBF does. EVERYTHING becomes a GREAT TALE of HUMANITY!!!
She slays me.

A Dinner of Text

Text Message from F: "If I don't go do my hobby I will make an awesome dinner recipe from PW.com and co-worker."

By PW.com F means Pioneer Woman. I have printed MANY a recipes from her site and I'm constantly telling him about it. We also made this sandwich for my family once and F was HOOKED on PW's cooking.
When I got home he proceeded to tell me how great the dish that "Pastor Ryan made" looked when his co-worker had the leftovers for lunch. It cracked me up that he knew who Pastor Ryan was. Needless to say, he DID NOT make dinner that night, but promises he'll make it soon because he's gone out and bought all the ingredients for it.
I did not know however that he actually goes out and READS her blog every now again. We even discussed the fact that she went to BlogHer and spoke. I of course had to explain what BlogHer was, F has only just gotten his toes wet where reading Blogs is concerned.

Which were THIS Blog is concerned, is a good thing.

Face Plant

I was out shopping on my lunch hour using a Birthday related coupon to fill out the summer wardrobe, when I saw someone take a header. I was on my way back to the office and was stopped at a very busy intersection. I looked up to see an Asian woman crossing the street. She looked to be in her mid to late 50's. Her hair was sloppy and she had on all black with the exceptions of the bright red flames(or so the patterned appeared to be) crawling up her black stockings that were born out of her bright red "exercise" sneakers. (do these things really work?)

She scurried across the cross walk and up onto the sidewalk where she paused and began to move again. That's when she tripped or out walked right out of her shoes because the next thing I saw was her falling face first onto the sidewalk. Her arms didn't go out, in fact I think her forehead took the majority of the impact. Her legs went out and up behind her with such force that her skirt flew up and I saw the black lace of her satin bloomers. Her one shoe tumbled off the curb and back into the street.

I covered my mouth in horror. *ooooooooh!*

The light changed.
As I inched forward I looked over to see her sitting on the sidewalk, rubbing her head and checking for blood.

I drove away wondering if she was going to be ok.

That was a damn nasty header.

Isane to Get This??

Have any of you seen this new workout infomerical? I've heard of Jillian's 30 Day Shred. And when I Googled it, I got all kinds of hits about people Blogging their way through it with Jillian. But over the weekend I watched a new infomerical about INSANITY. Where they were all about showing how much these people sweated. Zoomed in on the puddle of sweat on the floor under one person. And the voice over is pretty hilarious because it is all 'no bullshit! if you can't commit, don't bother trying!' Which of course made me want to try it out. And as opposed to 30 days, it is 60 days. With several CD's, a calendar poster telling you which workout to do on which day, (way cool, who couldn't use that kind of help?) and a chart to chart your progress from day 1 to day 60, and a FREE T-Shirt if you send in your before and after photos! This is definitely aimed at people who already are workoutaholics. Those people who spend hours in the gym anyway and just can't seem to lose or tone that last little bit.
As I sat there and watched the hottie Shaun T "push, dig deep!" I wondered if I could commit to 60 days of working out. Many people who try the 30 day shred never finish it in 30 days. But I REALLY wanted to try. What held me back? The price. "Just 3 EASY payments of $39.95!!" The math? Rounded up, $120 bucks, and that didn't include Shipping & Handling.
I already have a lovely, dusty collection of workout videos sitting in the basement under the TV I bought specifically for working out in the basement. Yeah. But as my b-day creeps closer, I can't help but not want to be, flab. We haven't been to the gym in AGES, and boy howdy, I can tell.
Do they have a video out there that can cure lazy?????

GAG!

The LAST thing I want to hear is a co-worker pooping.

Especially when I know they don't wash their hands.


GAG.

Bizzaro World Visit

I told you all that F and I were heading back East for a visit. And usually I have several stories to share with you about how crazy my outlaws are, but this time. Well THIS time, it was, well, NORMAL. There were no fights, no yelling matches, no cutting comments, and no cold shoulders. I felt like Eileen in the Bizzaro Seinfeld episode.
FIL called me by my name and said PLEASE when he asked me to do something.
SIL complained only once to F about us not visiting with them when we come out to the East Coast, and that only lasted until F put her in her place about not coming to visit him AT ALL except for the wedding (he’s lived in the Midwest for 4 years now and before that he lived in another state on the east coast for 6 years and they never visited him then either.).

There are 3 moments that stand out in my memory about this visit.

1) While attending a funeral at which F was a pallbearer, I ended up sitting with, FIL, MIL and BIL. During the funeral Mass BIL’s cell phone began to vibrate. I was HORRIFIED when he ANSWERED it. I had to restrain myself from jabbing him but GOOD in the ribs when MIL and FIL told him to put the phone away. I never shared this with F because the deceased was a close personal friend’s parent and F would have blown a gasket if he’d known of his Brother’s behavior. It would not have been pretty.
2) Remember SIL telling me 2 days before our wedding that she planned on divorcing BIL within the next 2 years?(she also shared this bit of info AT our wedding with the fiancée of our best man) and BIL telling me he was leaving her within the next year, again, AT our reception??? Well apparently things have changed, because now? Now they plan on RENEWING THEIR VOWS. This involves SIL getting baptized and all sorts of long involved things. And they are not just going to renew their vows, oh lawies no, she wants the whole WHITE WEDDING with cake and invites, the whole 9 yards. I guess to make up for the court house ceremony they had before where no one was invited.
3) MIL and I had a battle of wills, over food. The minute you step through the door at that house, you are offered food. Which is all fine and good, although I do wish they’d let at least let me pee first, but whatever. I had JUST rolled out of bed after an afternoon nap when immediately MIL wants to know if I’m hungry. I made the mistake of saying Yes. For the next 30mins she named off things she had, then started pulling stuff out of the freezer and proceeded to start to make it. I kept telling her, that, yes I was hungry, but at this point in time I didn’t know what, if anything, I wanted to eat; please stop asking me. Finally, I had to leave the room to escape the barrage of food and questions. After 10mins of silence, MIL summons me back into the kitchen. F and I rolled our eyes at each other. He felt my frustration. As I walked into the kitchen you could cut the tension with a knife. I thought for sure I was about to get my ass reamed.
“DH, you are like my daughter now. You must feel comfortable in this home, what is here is yours. Now tell me, what do you want to eat???”
“That is fine, I understand that. But then as your Daughter I’m telling you, PLEASE STOP trying to force me to EAT!!! Ok???”
It was a tense few moments while this conversation took place. But then she laughed, said OK, and I went back to watching TV with F. If she said anything to him later, I do not know. I did not end up eating anything until much later that night while we were out with friends.
I was forbidden from telling MIL this so that her feelings would not be hurt that she was not the one to feed me.
When we got home and I started unpacking the cooler I found all kinds of food in there from MIL.
Guess she won after all.

Who Thinks About This Stuff?

4 charged after bodies dug up at Ill. cemetery
Hundreds of graves disturbed at final resting site for many famous blacks



As many as 300 graves were tampered with, Dart said. Some of the graves were dug up and the bodies dumped elsewhere, including in an open area at the back of the 150-acre property, and the plots were resold. In other cases the graves were "pounded down" and another person was buried on top, Dart said.
Cemetery records were destroyed and plot deeds were altered, officials said.
Dart said Towns, the cemetery office manager, was the alleged ringleader of the scam. "She was the one taking the payments, she was the one directing individuals to dig," he said.
"Having prosecuted many, many violent cases throughout my career in the state’s attorney's office, I must say that this crime, it’s a whole new dimension that shows us what lengths that people would go through for financial gain," State's Attorney Anita Alvarez added.
Famous namesThe sheriff's investigation began six weeks ago when the cemetery's owner reported that an employee who began feeling guilty revealed what allegedly had been going on, possibly for as long as four years, Dart said. "All of us who were working on this for the last week were pretty distraught," Dart said. "You start with the premise of your own loved ones and how they are cared for after they are buried, but there is also a true significance to this particular cemetery."
The Rev. Jesse Jackson, who joined officials at a news conference announcing the arrests, said that he's been besieged by phone calls from worried relatives of those buried at the cemetery. "There should be a special place in hell" for the perpetrators, he said.
AP
Emmett Louis Till, a 14-year-old from Chicago whose weighted body was found in the Tallahatchie River in Mississippi in 1955, is among the people who were buried at the cemetery.
Chicago native Emmett Till, whose 1955 lynching at age 14 added impetus to the civil-rights movement, is buried at Burr Oak. It's also the final resting place of singers Dinah Washington, Willie Dixon, and Otis Spann, as well as former world heavyweight boxing champion Ezzard Charles, Harlem Globetrotter Inman Jackson, and several Negro League baseball players.
"For many years, this was the only cemetery where African Americans could be buried," said Spencer Leak Sr., president of Leak and Sons Funeral Home, noting that Burr Oak once was owned by Ebony Magazine publisher John Johnson.
Dart said the scheme appears to have targeted older, unmarked graves that had not been visited in a long time. There was no indication the more famous sites were disturbed.
Frantic searchUpon hearing the news, hundreds of people went to the cemetery Thursday looking for their loved ones' graves; many couldn't find them. A couple told WMAQ-TV that they found headstones that apparently had been recently tampered with, and they were not sure who was underneath the headstones.
The sheriff said it will take a while to sort out the mess and urged people with relatives or friends buried in the cemetery to be patient. "We're not necessarily talking weeks, we're talking months," Dart said.
Perpetua Holdings of Illinois Inc., a subsidiary of a Tucson, Ariz.-based funeral home and cemetery development company, has owned the cemetery since 2001. A message seeking comment was not immediately returned.
The Cemetery Care and Burial Trust Department, a division of the Illinois Comptroller's office, has said it has received complaints in recent years about poor upkeep at Burr Oak, including sunken or tilting gravestones, unmanageable roads, drainage problems and weeds.

People are just freaking sick, why would you do this??? They need to be beat.

Captain Spanx

Remember the battle of bulge vs Spanx that I had at SES's wedding? Well that battle was fought again while we were Back East.

It was HOT. The humidity was high. (do we notice a pattern here?) and MIL and FIL do not believe in the advent of A/C. (they had one window a/c unit that they ran while the windows were open.) I was confined into a very small room with one high velocity floor fan. Once again I did the yank and tug dance as F stood by waiting. I had asked him to be on standby when those last few crucial inches needed to be bridged. I'm sure his mother was wondering what was going on. The craziness of it all finally hit me and I began to giggle.
F:"This is NOT funny." he challenged.
Me: "It is. It is because it is so pathetic. Now please tug."
This time, having learned my lesson, the seams were in the proper place. The battle also took less time because I'd fought it once already.
Wriggle.
Tug.
Grunt.
Wriggle.
Squirm.
Cry.
Break down from insanity.
Thank goodness this battle won't have to be fought again until mid-
August when we have a wedding to attend.
Please, I beg, let our hotel have good a/c this time!!!!

East Coast vs Midwest

F grew up on the East Coast, while I am a life long Midwesterner, and therefore we say some things differently. The most common is Soda vs Pop, although I have turned him to the pop side for the most part.
This regional speech pattern tripped me up the other night when F called me on my way home.

F: “You almost home?”
Me: “Nope, I just left work. Why?”
F: “Can you pick up a PIE???”

I paused as my mind started to race trying to figure out why in the world F would want me to pick up a PIE?
Then it dawned on me, that by PIE he meant a PIZZA pie.
I choked back my question of, “What? Like a cherry pie???” and answered instead:

“Sure! Deep dish or regular??”

I giggled to myself the rest of the way home, knowing full well that if I had asked him if he wanted a cherry pie I would NEVER have lived it down and he most certainly would have posted it on FaceBook for the whole world to see.
So instead, I’m telling you, my digital friends, because I can’t hear you laugh at me after you read this.
Seriously though, it would have been a legitimate question!!!!

Lost.....

*LOST*
One King Sized, White, Fitted, Egyptian Cotton Sheet.


Damned if I don't know how in hell I lost a King Sized sheet between the bed and the dryer. I have lost my mind and this is driving me bat shit crazy. Not a pillow case which can easily be hidden under something else, just the extremely LARGE fitted sheet.

I have lost my mind. Which apparently is wrapped in King Sized, White, Fitted, Egyptian Cotton Sheet.

Mmmm, Tasty!!!

I was standing in an open office area talking to my friend, GA, when I felt a sharp quick pain on my neck. I swiped my hand against the area thinking my shirt or my earring was pointing me. Then GA gasped.

GA: "*GASP* OMG, DH! What IS THAT!!!!"
Me: "OW! What?"
GA: "LOOK!!! That THING was on you!!!"
Me: "OMG!!! OW! It BITE me!!!"
GA: "Is it a wasp?....... I don't think it's a wasp. ..........I'm going to kill it!"

a box is grabbed and a rather weak swat is taken at the crazy looking bug.

GA: "I don't think this is going to work! OMG! (she skips back as the bug falls to the floor.) We need to kill it!"
Me: "I'll get the spray!!"

Our office is notorious for having wasps and what-not flying about during the summer, so we have a stash of wasp killing spray in the kitchen.

I grab the spray only to find the stupid thing won't work.

Me: "It won't work!!! How are we going to kill it!?!?!?!?!"

At this point a 3rd co-worker shows up, announces she'll kill it with a wad of paper towel and proceeds to do so. GA and I thank her as she exits the area.

GA: "DH, your neck, it's red, does it hurt?"
Me:" YES! dang, it itches, I can feel the bump."
GA: "We should put ice on it, that will help."
Me: "Ok."

She makes an ice pack for me, which I apply to my neck. I head out to the bathroom to check out the damage in the mirror and come face to face with my boss and a few other co-workers who all give me puzzled looks because I have a wade of paper towel pressed to my neck.

Me: "I was bite! See????" I say as I remove the paper towel icepack.

Collective horrified *GASP*

Me: "That is NOT encouraging !!!!"

Collective shrug

The bump wasn't that big, but it hurt and itched pretty badly. One of the co-workers fished this out of the First Aid kit which I held to the bite until I could hold it no more. The bump is GONE. The PAIN is gone. Safetec Sting Relief is AMAZING!!!!!
Bless you Safetec Sting Relief, BLESS you!!!
I also took 2 Benadryl to keep a potential face swelling from occurring and now I'm so wiped out from it my legs are twitching and I'm doing all I can to stay awake. I think it has affected me even more because I keep feeling like something is on me and is biting me.
WTF???

Yes or No, How Hard Is It?

Ok, here’s something I don’t get. Remember our Tenant? The lease is up at the end of the summer, like in 2 months, right? So we ask Tenant what the plan is on their end.
Tenant: “I’m not sure what I want to do.”

F: “Well, we need to know by the end of the month. If you want to stay, that’s fine, we’re willing to redo the lease. If you want to leave, that’s fine too, no hard feelings. But we need to know so we can either rent it to someone else or put it on the market to be sold.”

Tenant: “Ok, so by the end of this month, I’ll let you know. I don’t want to leave, I know that much.”

Um, ok, what? If you don’t want to leave, then what is the hesitation? If it is a money issue, tell us. Despite all of Tenant's personality flaws, the house is well taken care of, clean, and tidy. I'd much rather stick with that, than get someone in there that trashes the house but appears to be "normal".
So dude, PLEASE decide to stay. The housing market still sucks and I would totally get screwed if we attempted to sell again, and I don't want some crazy ass in there that doesn't care for the place like you obviously do.
And stop dragging your feet already!!

When Muscles ATTACK!!!

I apologize to Sassy Two Socks for scoffing at her calf pain from wearing flats whilst running about the city. I'm sorry, I was wrong.

F and I spent the weekend in the city walking about in our sandals. By Sunday night my calves were screaming at me to just sit the hell down already!!! My thigh decided to do a solo jig every 5 minutes while I was trying to sleep. When I put my heels back on Monday morning I thought my calf muscles were going to explode. Where did this come from? Why was this happening? I was walking around and groaning like an 80yr old woman. And then, I remember what Sassy had said, and I thought, Damn, girlfriend was right on with this one!
So Sassy, I apologize. You were right, I was wrong.
I have been humbled by my calf muscles.

Weather Bug Goes GREEN!!!

I got an alert from my Weather Bug. I had no idea they reported on air quality conditions, or made suggestions on how to improve the air quality/ozone.
Go Weather Bug!

350 PM EDT Tue Jun 23 2009 , Air Quality Alert In Effect From 8 AM To 8 PM EDT Wednesday, The [redacted] Department Of Environmental Quality, Air Quality Division, Has Declared Wednesday, June 24th, To Be An Action Day For Elevated Levels Of Ozone. Pollutants Are Expected To Be In The Unhealthy For Sensitive Groups Range. The Action Day Is In Effect For The Following [redacted] Counties, [redacted], And [redacted] Counties. An Air Quality Action Day Has Been Issued For Wednesday, June 24th, Only. People And Businesses Are Urged To Avoid Activities Which Lead To Ozone Formation. These Activities Include, Refueling Vehicles Or Topping Off When Refueling, Using Gasoline Powered Lawn Equipment, And Using Charcoal Lighter Fluid. Positive Activities Include, Car Pooling, Biking To Work, Delaying Or Combining Errands And Using Water Based Paints. It Is Recommended That Active Children And Adults, And Persons With Respiratory Diseases Such As Asthma, Limit Prolonged Outdoor Exertion. For Further Information, Please See The Air Quality Division Air Quality Index Page On The Internet.........

On The Road Again

F and I are headed back East to visit with the out-laws and friends. I've got a few posts lined up to keep you company for a few days. As always, I'll fill you in on all the happenings when I get back.
So stay cool in this crazy ass global warming heat.

Have a safe and happy 4th my American brethren!!!!

Please Ignore the Flashing Lights, They Mean Nothing, Really, Seriously

I'm minding my own business driving along when I see the lights flashing in my rear view mirror. Thank goodness they weren't coming for me, but they were going to some one's aid. Which hacks me off even more about what happened next.
The police car arrives at the intersection in the left turn lane. He pauses for a beat longer than normal and thank the gods he did because otherwise, someone would have had to come to his aid. Someone in on coming traffic was making a right turn and decided they didn't need to wait for the cop, so they make their turn. I'd barely finished cursing them out when some flipping jackass idiot comes flying through the intersection. Now traffic is stopped in all four directions, wouldn't that give you pause as you approach said intersection? Instead, why not gun it? It's your lucky day! Traffic at a stand still!! Who could ask for more???? I would love to know what that person thought as it dawned on them that they'd just speed through an emergency vehicle related stop. Delaying someone out there, help.
Of course, people like this rarely, if ever have things dawn on them.
So to you two who are blind to the flashing lights in my community, who think you are above pulling over, stopping, slowing down, or getting out of the way, God help you in your time of need, because most assuredly one of your inbred brethren will delay the help of the mere humans.
I'm finding it hard to control myself in saying, You deserve it. The longer the delay, the better.

Take A Picture, It Lasts Longer...

and can also be seen around the world once it's been scanned..........

CBF put me onto a new time wasting website. Bless you CBF.

In Who's World?

I just got an e-mail from Naturalizer's hawking their "End Of SEASON SALE!!!!" where all sandals are ON SALE!!!!
I'm sorry, what??? My calendar says it is only mid-June, we are still a few days away from the official start of summer.
How can you have an end of season sale when the season hasn't even started yet???
Ok, so SPRING is over. But really, are Spring sandals that much different than Summer sandals?? Is there even a difference? I don't think so.
So, Naturalizer, I love your shoes, I do.
And I love a sale on them.
But seriously, back up off rushing summer out the back door, when it is just barely on the front porch, emmmk???

Where Are You Going With That?

On my way to work I was stopped at a light when a pick-up truck pulled up next to me. Something was flapping in breeze in the back of said truck that caught my eye. I looked over and saw that the ENTIRE truck bed was stacked high with burrito wraps. The driver turned the same way I did, and headed the same way I was headed. As I turned off the street into my work parking lot, he continued on. It gave me the giggles because I knew exactly where the guy was headed. Up the street from my office is a Mexican restaurant.
So much for them being freshly made daily. (not that they ever claimed that.)
And yes, all the wraps were still in the packaging.
So we can still eat there for lunch.
Phew. Because their Grande Steak Burrito is AMAZING.

What Ice Cream FLavor Are You???

Scene: Inside large chain grocery store........

Me: "I want ice cream."
F: "Ok, you get that, I'll go get the lunch meat."
Me: "Ok."

Standing in front of the large assortment of frozen delights I find a flavor that I can't remember if it's really as good as it's ingredients sound or not (note to self:not) F approaches.....

Me: "Do you like black cherry?"

F makes 'ick' face.

Me: "These are on sale, but they don't have strawberry, and all you ever order is strawberry, so I really don't know what other flavors you like. I really have a very small pool of knowledge when it comes to your ice cream tastes."

F sticks his head into freezer and examines the choices....

F: "Ok, let's go." he says as he places his choice in the cart.

Me: "What did you get?????"

F flashes the carton at me.

Me: "BUTTER PECAN?!?!?!?!?!"

F nods.

Me: "I love you even more now."

The Check's in the MAIL!!!

You hear about it all the time now. Somehow a magic check appears in your mail for a fabulous amount. All you have to do is cash it, and send back a "fee". Or, you sell something, and you get a check for the item that is written for too much, and Would you Please send us the difference? Thank You so much!!
I never understand how people can think this makes sense. How anyone can think this is legit. Would you, as a normal thinking person trust some Joe blow to cash a check you send them and then send YOU back the difference?? I mean, seriously??? So if you yourself wouldn't do it, why would you assume someone else would?
So you can imagine the shock waves that are going through the office here since someone is using OUR company's name and sending out checks to people. I think within the last 3 days we've gotten 10+ calls. The checks have our company name, an old bank account we actually used at one point, and some even had our CFO's "signature" on them. So far, only two people were stupid enough to attempt to cash it. One actually cashed it, and called us once they realized it was fraud, and wanted us to pay them what they were out! The other person went to a check cashing place and the check place called us to see if it was legit. I just can't believe people are this clueless. This scam has been all over the news. Now I can understand if you are a person who's out for a free ride and are shady yourself that you would think you are screwing someone over, so I guess, you kinda deserve to get screwed yourself. But if you honestly think that some random business is going to send you a fat daddy check, you really need to get your head out of your ass and take a whiff of reality. Do you honestly think a BUSINESS trolls Craig's List(which is where all these people had stuff listed) for sale items? And do you REALLY think a BUSINESS would want to buy your couch? Or your kid's car???? Come on people!!!
I fear for humanity, I really do.

No Lunch For Me, GAG

My co-worker friend and I were on our way to lunch. I was driving. In my peripheral vision I saw a black cat build up speed as it approached the 4 lane road. It made it past the first on coming car and the first lane, but the second car in the next lane over was not paying attention to said cat and it's road crossing attempt, and nailed it in the head/neck area. My co-worker friend and I had front row seats to this gruesome scene as this all occurred a few hundred feet in front of us. We both gagged as we drove by the cat and it's hind legs flopped and spasmed in the last moments of death, I hope, and not in a ditch effort attempt to regain it's footing.

"Oh god, oh god." we both moaned.

"Jesus, don't look back! Oh man, DO NOT look back." I directed her as I made that mistake myself.

"I'm not! God."

"I don't think I can eat lunch now. UGH."

"Me neither."

"I don't even like cats, and god, that just, god that poor cat."

"I know, I don't either. I so DID NOT need to see that."

We drove the rest of the way in silence.

We managed to eat lunch and did not speak of the incident again.



No animal should meet such an end. And I truly hope that the owner of said cat will not lays on it and just assume that it ran away never to be seen again.

This is one of the reasons why I am so against allowing pets to run free. You spare yourself the heartache and spare everyone else the repugnant experience of watching your pet's demise.

There's Been a WHACKING

Update on the RAT situation. After the Neighbor ladies places out massive amounts of RAT poison which required gloves for handling, we noticed that some of it was being eaten. Which, totally good thing. Then, one day after I got home from work, F tells me there was a incident.
The neighbor who lives behind us and Neighbor C, Neighbor P, had a RAT encounter. Actually, her Lawn Dude had the encounter.
Apparently, as the story goes, Lawn Dude was weed whacking the weeds along the shared fence. When he WHACKED a RAT. Apparently Lawn Dude lost his mind. He was very freaked about having WHACKED a RAT. Lawn Dude finished off Whacked RAT which was still alive but in what state is unclear, with a SHOVEL.
It is my belief that the RAT was HIGH on one or many of the various poisons and hence it didn't run when it heard the whirl of the weed whacker nor when it felt the breeze of the blades, and thus met it's end by a dirtied shovel.
One down.
Who knows how many left.

Itchy

I am itchy to buy some new shoes. Always makes a gal feel better, right?

I WANT THESE, alas, the 4 " heel would be disaster on my maneky ankle.

Damn you aging process!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!!!

Not Ratatouille

So there is a little varmint problem on our street. That weekend when the sibs were over and we were all outside BBQing? Well, we happened to spy with our little eyes a RAT. A good sized RAT who made its way all over our neighbor's yard. It darted from the flowers to the veggies to the driveway to along side the garage and back again. By the end of the night we all had our chairs turned to face the neighbor's yard. The two little ones gripped the chain link fence with equal parts anticipation and fear.
RAT Watch 2009 was in full swing.
"All we need are our shotguns and some beer." I joked.
"I saw it during dinner." shuddered my SIL. "But I didn't want to say anything and upset everyone. It went under the neighbor's house."
We all nodded with understanding and disgust.
"There it is!!!!"
"LOOK!!! OVER THERE!!!!"
"SSSSShhhhh, you have to be quiet or you'll scare it away!"
"There it goes again!!!!!"
"OMG! there's TWO of them!!!"
"See one, count TEN." mused mom.
"It is not a rat." claimed both BILs.
"It IS a rat, trust me, THAT was a RAT." affirmed SIL. All of us women nodded in agreement.
"RAT."
Eventually it became too dark to see so we abandoned our outdoor chairs for indoor couches and forgot the rat until it was time to say goodnight.
"Turn the LIGHTS ON!!!" quivered SES. "I don't want that RAT getting me!!"
The older girls squealed as F made RAT noises as they passed him getting into their cars.
"Here it comes!!!" F called after them. "The RAT wants to come home with you!!!!!"

The next morning while still in our PJs we informed our neighbors.
F: "We saw a RAT in your yards last night."
Neighbor C: "SHIT!!!"
Neighbor M&M: "What? are you KIDDING?"
Me: "Nope, we sat here and watched it run all over your yards."
Neighbor C: "I wondered why the hell your chairs were all turned facing this way. Damn it!"
We spent the next 20 mins telling them the path the RAT took through their two yards. Neighbor C was really pissed off about the whole thing. "That pisses me off! I think it lives in your wood pile! while it eats my bird seed! SHIT!"

I have to say, I do feel like we are getting blamed for harbouring the enemy. However, even though we provide the shelter, Neighbor C is providing the sustenance.
F is all for cutting down all the plantings so it has "No where to hide." The damn thing didn't seemed concerned about hiding as it ran about the neighoring yards while 8 humans sat and watched.
Bold bastards they are.


RAT Watch 2009.....to be continued..............

Poor Bastard

I was working on a list of names today. We have all nationalities that come through here, so it is not uncommon to run across a name where to us, the gender is indeterminable. Today however, I couldn't help but giggle, then feel sorry for the person whose parents named them: French Guy.
Lord help this person, especially if A) It is not a "guy" as in male and B) if they are not French, as in France.
I really do believe there should be name police out there. And I think Pilot Inspektor, Apple, Prince, Princess, Audio Science, Calico, Camera, Diezel and Denim(siblings), Fifi and Peaches and Pixie (all siblings), Moxi Crimefighter and Zolton (siblings) would agree with me.

I want my CABLE TV!!!!!

Oh cable, how I miss thy!!!!
New season of Bridezillas. These women are straight up WHACKED. Watching these nut jobs online just might not get it. Even after my own wedding I'm still addicted.
Is that wrong???

Really, That's Not Much Better

I shared with you, my digital friends, the nastiness that is the pop up ad on my MSN Hotmail account. I could take it no more when they took it a step further and made the person's flab "jiggle". It literally makes me gag. So I found their "Feedback" icon and told them to please remove the disgusting ads.
They listened. Sort of. Now I get to watch a "cartoon" person's fat jiggle.
Who thinks up this crap? I realize this is how they make their money, from pop up ads. But seriously, is there no screening process for this stuff? Does no one sit down with the finished ad and say, "HMMMM, now if I were checking my e-mail during my lunch, would I want to see the cottage cheese on some one's thighs jiggle as I chewed on my PB&J???"
The answer would be NO, in case you were wondering. No one wants to see someone else's fat jiggle. No one wants to see a horribly broken out face as they eat their pizza. Or some one's nasty yellow teeth as I drink my Coke. NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Don't people have to go to marketing school for this type of thing? Is the gross out factor really a selling point?? Is it???????????
Remove it ALL, PLEASE. Cartoon or real, I Don't Want to See It!!!!
We Clear?

The HULK, at Age 3

The Siblings and their families were at our house this weekend for a BBQ. My brother's son is going on 3 and his is alllllll BOY. Everything becomes a weapon of some sort. So when he began whacking his older cousin with the plastic sticks that were supposed to be used for the horseshoe game, I yelled at him. Talk about if looks could kill!!! The face that child made, holy crap. I swear if he had been close by, we would have heard him growl. It was more than a scowl. It was this scrunched up face, teeth baring, growl. That is all I can say, GROWL. SNARL. I can only imagine what was going through his little head. He stared back at all of us, daring us to come and try and take his weapons. To tell him he can't do something.
But then 20 mins later in the sweet as sugar cuteness that is 3, he giggled and danced with anticipation as they played hide and seek.
"You play with me?"
It's like being asked to tea by the President.
You can't say no.

I Must Have This T-Shirt

I said something similar to this ALL flipping season:

That and, "That stupid bitch FBI chick has GOT TO GO!!!!!!"

Those Shoes, So Do Not Go With That Outfit

I made it all the way to the car before I realized that I'd put my blue heels on to wear to work.


I am wearing a brown outfit today.
It has NO blue in it what so ever.

Mental fog anyone???

Avert Your Eyes

Dear MSN Web Master,

Please remove this pop-up ad from Hotmail. I really don't need to see it as I read my e-mail. It is bad enough I have to look at my own nasty flab without having to see some else's several times a day.

Trust me, it is much worse in color.

Thank You.

Cha-Ching!!!!

Couple withdraws money, flees after bank error
New Zealand institution mistakenly deposited $6.1 million into account

WELLINGTON, New Zealand - Police are looking for a New Zealand couple who disappeared after a bank mistakenly put 10 million New Zealand dollars ($6.1 million) into their account.
The couple, who ran a gas station in the northern city of Rotorua, applied to Westpac Bank for a NZ$10,000 ($6,000) overdraft and had 1000 times that amount paid into their account. The two then withdrew some of the money and disappeared, Detective Senior Sgt. David Harvey said.
Harvey said Interpol has been contacted for help, suggesting authorities believe they may have fled abroad with the cash.

"We are currently conducting an investigation into the individuals that may have been involved in the withdrawal of that money," Harvey said.
‘Vigorous’ legal action pursued Westpac Bank said in a statement it was "pursing vigorous criminal and civil action to recover the sum of money stolen," but declined further comment.
Massey University banking lecturer Claire Matthews said the "lucky" recipients likely would not get away with the cash.
"They've effectively, I guess, become thieves — but it is only going to be a matter of time" before they are found, she told the NewstalkZB radio network.
The pair would be hard pressed to argue they honestly believed they were entitled to such a huge sum of money, she added.

Oh, but when the BANK makes a mistake, well, that takes FOREVER to correct. How does the Bank go about proving this money Doesn't belong to the couple? Or the other way around for that matter??? I know morally that these people should not have taken the money. But somehow, I can't really blame them.

I've Got the Double Blues

I have a love of shoes. I did after all order and return 52 pairs trying to find just the right pair for my wedding.
It took me a very long time, two years I believe, to find a pair of blue sandals I could wear to work during the summer months. I love the ones I have from Aerosoles, my favorite shoe haven. However, I just now noticed that they squawk when I walk. Is it wrong to buy new shoes when the only thing wrong with the old ones is that they are noisy? Do I really want to start a new search that could end badly? Even though I have a line on a new pair? Granted, not as sexy as the ones they'd be replacing, but very similar.
What is a girl to do??????

P.S. I heart THESE shoes and almost bought them for my sister's wedding. God help me if they go on sale!

To Be A Woman

SES and SES_B-i-L got married over the weekend. We are all VERY excited to have SES_B-i-L be OFFICIAL. He is a wonderful guy and fits in rather well I think. Welcome SES_B–i-L.

During my outfit prep for said outdoor southern (read hot and sweaty) nuptials, I remembered that I’d left my new age “girdle” back in The Homeland by mistake. I looked on line to see if there was something for less than $50 that I could procure on my lunch hour. We’ve (and by ‘we’ I mean my female digital friends) have heard of Spanx and the mircle they are. They’ve been on Oprah and everything! I’d tried a pair of Spanx nylons and was in no way impressed. I ran across this and was won over by the fact that it hooked on to my bra which would help in holding off the dreaded nylon roll down. Alas, $80??? Without a coupon? I wasn’t sure. But I went to the store anyway. They had the item, but not in my size. So I continued to pursue the Spanx display. And found these. Remembering my run in with Spanx in the past, I bought a size smaller, because the size they recommended last time, really didn’t make any difference. Fast forward several days to a hotel room. I am a Northern gal. I don’t do heat well. And as any woman will tell you, humidity is not your hair’s best friend. I have the a/c CRANKED up as I am holed up in the bathroom, far FAAAAR from said a/c trying to make my hair curl. F is sitting on the bed whimpering that it is too cold and can’t he turn the a/c down????? Finally he says he is going for a walk. After several more attempted I give up and pull my hair back in a clip. I am hot, sweaty, and cranky that my hair is flat and boring. F returns and we both begin to get dressed. 2 seconds later he’s done and I’m still gingerly removing the Spanx from the packaging.
F: “What IS that???”
Me: “A girdle type thing.”
F: “Are you sure you want to wear that? Won’t you be hot?”
Me: “I have NO choice!!! God, being a woman really sucks!”

F stands back and watches me intently as I slip the contraption over my feet, and then my calves. So far, very good. But then comes the thighs of thunder and the ass of outsized.

Me: “Oh god. I don’t know if this is going to WORK!!!!”

F: “What happens if it doesn’t?”

Me: “Then I’m SCREWED!! I have nothing else to wear.”

I can feel the circulation in my thighs begin to slow as the bunched up whole of the super strength spandex holds its shape, not giving a millimeter of room. More sweat pops out on my forehead. I wobble as I begin to lose my balance because my legs are held tightly together at an unusual point just above my knee caps. F watches in horror as I hop closer to the a/c unit.
Me: “I have to cool down. I have to relax .” I begin to slow my breathing as I mutter “I can do this, I can do this” as I try to keep my nails from ripping a hole into the delicate fabricate of bondage.
After a tournament of twisting and turning, the thighs are sausaged and enveloped into the Spanx. I stop to catch my breath and turn the a/c blower onto High. I let the air blow against my face as I steel myself for the second half. Because these are HIGH RISE I still have 50% more body to bond with the “Shape wear”. I heft, and tug and wiggle and swear, certain I'll ripe the fabric, or pass out from the effort, but then, FINALLY the generous gut has been tamed. I turn and look at the fruits of my labor in the mirror. As I inspect the finished product I notice that I have at least a ½ inch of exposed skin between my bra and the waist band of the Spanx.
Me: “DAMN IT!”
At this point F has turned from the spectacle and is chatting on his cell phone.
Me: “F!” I whimper “You HAVE to pull this up further for me!!!!”
With the phone tucked snugly between his ear and shoulder F takes both hands and gives the Spanx waist band a MIGHTY TUG which brings me up on tip toe.
F hangs up the phone, “How’s that? Better?” he looks at me concerned.
Me: “Damn. Daaaaaaaaaaaamn, this shit REALLY works!!!! WOW.”
F: “But, um, uh, how will you go to the bathroom?????”
Me: “It has a slit. Otherwise, I won’t.”
This amazing stunt of scar less body shaping took no less than 15 minutes to complete.
It took me a good 30mins at breakfast to realize something wasn’t quite right.
In my fever to get this thing up where it belonged, at my bra line, nay, securely tucked in under my bra, I failed to notice that the seam up the middle was not in a straight line. Rather it is curving off to the side. This is NOT good. All the targeted spandex mushing and squeezing powers are off axis, just a tad. Throughout the ceremony I can feel the Spanx trying to correct itself. I manage to ignore it. The Spanx and I have come to an accord. The battle of the bulge was won.
Ok, maybe not won, but at least artificially tamed.
Bless you Spanx, bless you and your mighty weave of spandex!!!!

Connecting with Today's Uet (youth)

My brother's eldest daughter is 14. I have just found a new way to connect with her, TEXTING. She is jealous of my full qwerty keyboard, and awesome purple colored phone.
Getting close to her is a fair trade off for her calling me a "sucker" and "weird" I suppose.
At least she's talking to me. Right???

C is for COOKIE dang it!

I went to the grocery store on my lunch hour to purchase some hair gel. I was also in need of some chocolate. Our New large chain grocery store (they built it like maybe 5 yrs ago?) has under gone a massive face lift. They have updated, moved aisles and enlarged the store. It all looks very trendy, with the Starbucks stand and the Sushi stand. Except the fact that I couldn't find the damned candy aisle in order to get my chocolate fix. I was looking to get some Pretzel Flipz . Sweet, salty. PREFECT.
Could. Not. Find. Candy. AISLE!!!!!
WTF?!?!?!!?
Who hides the CANDY aisle????
Do NOT stand between a woman and her candy!
They actually put the name brand of the product in the aisle name, who does that? Fritos? Lays? I'm not kidding!
I had to settle for the candy that they put in the checkout aisle.
I love me some Reese's, don't get me wrong. But they are NOT Pretzel Flipz!!!!!

I have to do What?

SES and I were watching our niece and nephew over the weekend. SES took them outside to play when my 4 yr old niece rings the doorbell to be let back in. This is the conversation she and I had:

Me: "Are you done playing with Aunt SES already??"

4yr old niece: "Yes, I am ready to come in."

Me: "Well ok."

4yr old niece:(very matter of factly) "Actually. I came in because I have to poop. And then you will wipe my butt."

Me: (completely stunned) "WHAT??? You're 4, can't you wipe your own butt???"

4yr old: "No I can't. I can't wipe my own butt."

Me: "Well, Um, really??"

SES who is now standing on the porch: "No, really, she can't."

Me: "Well, ok."

The 4 yr old skips off to the bathroom. A few minutes later from the other side of the bathroom door a small sing-songie voice calls out. " Aunt DddddddHhhhhhh.......I'm dddddoooooooooooooooooonne."

Me: "Ok, let's wipe your stinky butt."

4yr old: "You're silly."

These are the moments that make my ovaries wiggle with delight.............. and anticipation.

If You Can't Play Nice, Stay Home

Here in my office we try to do things that will make people feel better about having to come to work everyday. We have little parties and get togethers. And once in awhile, we have a potluck.
Today, we are having a Cinco de Mayo themed potluck. And the usual suspect are bitching, as, well, per usual.
No one is MAKING you participate.
It is not required.
If you don't want to join in with everyone, then don't. Eat at your desk. Or bring your lunch and eat with everyone else, that's fine too.
But DO NOT sign up to bring a food item then bitch and moan about having to do it.
Seriously.
Party poopers.

Ewww

I think that there is either a dead and decomposing worm like creature in my bottle of clear nail polish or a boogie. I have no idea how it could have gotten in there. And it totally grossed me out.
But not enough to not use the polish.
Just enough to make keep turning the bottle in order to get a good look at it as I painted my nails.
Is that wrong?

MOVE IT!!!

I'd like to say HI!!!!! to two people who were on the road last night with me. You know who you are. We all were heading Eastbound on a major roadway during rush hour. Remember? It was after a long day. I had attended a funeral for a co-worker's parent, had a heart attack because my Boss called me into her office and after a very long pause of staring down at her desk said, "I just don't want to have this conversation." Luckily it was about a mistake that wasn't really a mistake.
Surely you remember. You were both doing 10 miles BELOW the speed limit. Each in your own lane, one a little ahead of the other, effectively blocking me and tens of others in. 'Member? You drove this way for a good 15 miles.
Yes, 10 miles below the speed limit.
During Rush Hour.

I'd like to say HI!!!! and to Thank You for making a vein burst in my head from the frustration of it all.
If we meet again tonight, I'll be honking and waving, just to say HI!!! Don't mind the fact that out of my five fingers on my waving hand, you'll only see one.
It'll just be cause I'm waving so fast!!!