Friday, September 25, 2009

Bill Gates, Why Do You Hate Me So?

Dear Mr. Gates,
I desperately need you to explain something to me. You are a great humanitarian. You have given away countless amounts of money. You have your own charitable foundation. And yet, you allow the continued torture of your Microsoft Office customers by your programmers. Why is this? Where is your humanitarian spirit when it comes to us? We have “upgraded” to Office 2007 ( I know, just in time for 2010 to come out, talk to our “fabulous” tech person.) and I can’t say I’m lovin it. In fact, I can’t say ANYONE in our office loves it. The “Ribbons”, even though they sound pretty, are in truth heinous. I’m sorry, but I must be honest with you on this one. In MS 2003 I cursed your name for not allowing more than 65,500+/- records in Excel. In my job I often deal with records upwards of 75K, into the 100K. I HATED having to cut my file into two. I was always afraid I was going to miss someone. When 2007 came around I rejoiced that Excel could now handle 1 MILLION RECORDS!!!!!! SWEET HEAVEN ON HIGH!!!!! And I resolved to remove you from my shit list.
Today however, you have regained your number 1 spot back on my shit list. Today, I needed to export 756K records into Excel from Access. (please forgive me; anyone of you, who are lost at this point) It would be no problem right? ONE MILLION RECORDS, I had several hundred thousand records to play with! No sweat! Alas, Bill, may I call you Bill? Bill, I got an error message. The message told me that “Clipboard” could only handle 65K records and that I should try cutting my list into two. Whaaa? But, but, BUT!!!! This cannot be the case! You promised me ONE MILLION record capacity!!! What is the point of that if I can’t use it??? I tried exporting (I miss my office links -> analysis in excel, must EVERYTHING be exported nowadays?) it as a Text file. Same error. Bill, I don’t like getting errors. It raises my blood pressure and puts me into panic mode. Surely, Bill, you can understand my SHOCK to find that CSV is NO LONGER offered as an Export option. Did CSV offend you somehow Bill? Did CSV fall into the wrong crowd and you felt the need to punish it? Were you tired of it getting confused with CVS? Text just doesn’t do it for me. CSV used to be my work-around to your little 65K record limit. Of course I still couldn’t open it in Excel, but it made me feel like I was somehow beating the system. Bill, you have taken that wee bit of triumph away from me. It seems to me that you have woefully underestimated the usage of your product. It is as though you’ve said, “Eh, I’ll TELL them they can list ONE MILLION records at a time, but goodness me, they’ll never actually USE it!! Hahahahahahaha. HA.”
So I curse you and your tantalizing carrot waving of ONE MILLION (Dr. Evil voice EVERY SINGLE TIME) record capacity in Excel.
As Rep Joe Wilson says: “YOU LIE!”

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Mother Nature Gets Naughty with Father Time....2X

Has anybody else heard about this?? Isn't this CRAZY??? Babies of the same lady. Conceived 2.5 weeks apart!!!

You could pass some of that conception around, I'm just sayin'.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Conversation I JUST had in the office kitchen:

Me: "Hey K!"

K: really gruff "Hey."

Me: "WHOA! You sound really rough."

K: "YEAH! I think I had the swine flu last week. I am FEELIN really rough."

Me: "oh."

Um, HI? Why are you here? GO HOME! We have 2 pregnant ladies in our office! And lots of parents of small children!!!

WTF people? Swine Flu, cold, regular flu, STAY HOME.

Nobody likes you that much anyway.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Over the Weekend.....

I washed my hair 4x in less than a 24hr period. Not the best water saving mission, but that is how things played out this weekend.

My chin exploded in zits like I was 15 again. Despite the massive amounts of EXTREMELY expensive anti-acne cremes, salves, washes and over-night products, the mountain zit in the middle of my chin continues to grow. It is extremely embarrassing to have to be at work and have said zit pulsate at my co-workers while we chat. I feel greasy and nasty and wish to wear a bag over my head until the volcano blows and begins to shrink.

I spent a good $80 on splints and support wraps because at 35 and 2 months my manky ankle refuses to be anything but trouble and has convinced my knee that they should work against me in tandem. They sent a telegram to both my hips who won't allow me to sleep on either of them, the muscle group in my upper buttock who have formed a fist sized knot that shoots pain back down my thigh (ha ha knee! backfire!), the RIGHT side of my neck which refuses to play nice with the pillow and my entire back muscle coalition.

F informed me that if I want to go somewhere for our 1 YEAR anniversary that I need to start looking now, and it must have a fireplace to keep us warm. This little task was given to me after he questioned me, "Do I REALLY have to get you something?" and "You mean you REALLY want that cookbook from Pioneer Woman?? Can I buy it in the store, or only from Amazon??"
Apparently giving him the link on Amazon was still too involved for him and I might as well go out and buy it myself and give myself a really romantic card while I'm at it.

My mom got off on her Alaskan cruise just fine, but no one has heard from her since. We are all just assuming that she doesn't have cell service on the water and is too cheap to pay for Internet time on the boat to let us all know she is still afloat. (see what i did there??)

Thursday, September 17, 2009

TV Vortex

Tuesday Night I sat down and found that of the 300 channels we have there was NOTHING on. As I was scrolling through the on-screen-guide The Biggest Loser was playing in the background. As the people began to tell their stories so they could "get to know each other" I began to cry. Seriously. WTF? Some of the stories were truly heart wrenching. Abby? The teacher who lost her husband and 2 little kids in a car accident? OMG. I was sucked in. I have a feeling I'll be watching this show the rest of the season.
The one thing that really annoyed me? Jillian. And to a lesser extent, Bob. And their need to SCREAM at the contestants. And YELL SWEARS at them. Really? When was the last time you felt motivated by someone screaming in your face? Motivated to retaliate, maybe. Jillian is a little self righteous. I don't know if I can handle watching her all season. But I will try.
Did anyone else find themselves crying during this episode???

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Dial me a Dinner

Phone call I received from F:

F: "Hey! I'm on Pioneer Woman and I'm looking for a post for stuffed peppers. Does she have something like that?"

Me: "Um, I don't know. Go to her new website Tasty Kitchen and I'm sure you can find one there."

F: "Her what? Where?"

At this point I had to open her Blog to make sure I wasn't going crazy, and that there is in fact a link for Tasty Kitchen.

Me: "On the left hand side, a link for Tasty Kitchen. You should find something there."

F: "OH Tasty Kitchen!! Got it! Ok, thanks!!!"

Mind you, F has been attempting to make stuffed peppers since day one of us meeting each other. The last time ended in a huge pot of water with saturated saggy peppers that went out in the trash before I could even asses the situation.
I love that he immediately thinks of the Pioneer Woman as a reference for good food. Even if he does complain that it has too much butter or is too rich. She is still his go-to gal.
Thank You Ree.
And I've already put in a Christmas wish list order for her new cookbook. And yes, I'm willing to wait to have it until Christmas even though it becomes available 3 DAYS after our 1 year anniversary.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Just Call me Grandma

I went to the doctor. I told her of my issue with my manky ankle. She prescribed, Compression Stockings.

Just call me Grandma D.H.

Well, at least they come in colors, so I can pass them off as Trouser Socks.

I am only 35!! Not 80!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Where they find the "Guests" For Jerry Springer

Thank You Sassy Two Socks.
This new website has brightened my day.
A whole blog dedicated to the People of Walmart, or as I like to refer to it, White Trash World.

Please shower after exiting.

Monday, September 07, 2009

8 Tracks and LPs

My friends from High School informed F and I this weekend that we are "out of touch" with today's music scene.

We were at a wedding and they would get up and go dance, waving or yanking us out onto the floor with them.

"Who IS this???" I'd yell over the music.

"WHAT???!!! This is POPin Hot Rockin!!!!!"(totally made up that name, because i can't even remember what they said, on any of the several occasions.)


"You gotta get this on your iPod!!!" exclaimed my highly intelligent, highly intoxicated friend.

"We don't have iPods." F and I admitted in unison.

*HORRIFIED GASP!!!!!* from the entire table.

"You guys live under a rock?????????????"

F and I are both 80's babies. Throw in some early 90's from when I was in college, and you have my music mix. Well, aside from the stuff I grew up listening to because of my parents, but that's another blog entry. At home, work and in the car I listen to a radio station whose tag line is, "All the music the rap station doesn't play." So there are new songs, new groups, but none that was blaring out of the speakers at the wedding.

So, in the spirit of being more hip, I cued up the "hip hop urban" radio station on my computer at work, the "rap station" my station refers to, and tried to listen. It lasted for 10mins before I muted it. Then I forgot I'd muted it, and turned it back on, only to mute it again in a few seconds. I can't do it, I can not listen to this station. I highly dislike it. I USED to listen to this station, but then their morning show just got out of hand, and the music just got too rappy, and I called it a day several years ago.

I'm afraid I'm classified as "Easy Listening".
What was that song a few years ago about a mom who thinks she's hip but is still living in the 90's? Yeah, that's us.

Friday, September 04, 2009

Another One Bites the Dust

I haven’t been reading Blogs for very long, but I have become attached to a certain few and in fact have very little time or inclination to find new people to read. Not to say that I haven't. I celebrate the day I found April's Reign and Big Mama. Since I’ve began reading I’ve seen 5 go the way doo-doo bird. Most recently I’d found my way to Wind In Your Vagina, a dad’s prospective of day to day life with the kids. Just as I was getting through his back logs, he went all privatized. The biggest blow to my reading line up was Such Great Heights, known by those who loved her as Clink. Every now and again I’ll cruise over to her site to see if she’s back to posting, and once in awhile I’ll get a small hit, but nothing daily. No dissection of her wedding day. No new from-the-nose-down pictures. Did she start a new Blog? I don’t know. It happened in the past; she changed providers, or URLs. Same thing happened with [redacted] when his life changed via a break-up. He’s been posting on the new Blog for about 3 years now. Hell, I don’t even remember what his old blog was.
And let’s not forget The Company Bitch. She was my first. She just stopped. No warning, like Clink. No clue to the new site, like [redacted]. Just one post that left you wanting more. And now? Now I’ve lost Each of the Two. She was back from “theater camp” one day, promising to tell us all that had gone down and all that was to come with the ever looming wedding, and then:

Blog not found
Sorry, the blog you were looking for does not exist. However, the name eachofthetwo is available to register!

Whaaaaaaaaaa????? Are you kidding me??? I can’t find new ones fast enough to replace the old ones. Blogs are like good books that you never want to end. You want to continue to know how their lives evolve and change. It’s like someone ripped out the last chapter. There have been days when I toy with the idea of stopping. When I have nothing to give. When I want to share, but know it is just too personal to do so.
So I know how they feel. Sometimes, it is just easier to grab your coat and leave when nobody is looking.
Problem is, they ARE looking. Looking and waiting to see you again.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Cash, Check, But Not Money Orders, Please

Did you know that Western Union Money Orders are not considered cash? Did you know that Western Union Money Orders are easily duplicated and forged, thus making them less trust worthy? Especially because you can get them ANYWHERE?
Did you know that because of the forgery risk that your bank/credit union will put a 5 day hold on the funds?
Me either.
This is what my Kindly Credit Union Teller told me on Saturday when I went to deposit the rent from our Tenant. (he’s signed on for another six months, but that’s another blog entry.)
I usually deposit via ATM, so this was the first I’d heard of the 5 day hold. I’d always assumed that since a money order has to be purchased with cash that meant it was as good as money. Not so. Western Union money orders are viewed as checks and must go through a clearing process same as a check. When I told the Kindly Credit Union Teller that I had been making that deposit every month for about a year now, he got flustered and told me he would have to speak to his manager. His manager backed his story. And thusly I was told it would be best to have our tenant pay by Postal Money Order because those are the only REAL money orders and are much less likely to be forged.
Learn something everyday.

However, what I did not like our Kindly Credit Union Teller telling me is that, “I checked your balance and I can’t see where having this on hold would be a problem for you.” Um, sorry? How is that your call? You don’t know what my finical situation is and you should really refrain from commenting on it. I appreciate you explaining the whole reason for the hold, I do. But please, keep your comments about how my current bank balance should cover our finical situation for the next 5 days to yourself; because that is truly not something you should be expressing your views on. It’s just not.