Monday, December 18, 2006
Flash to present where I forcefully inform BF that our personal life is a restricted topic and he is to inform New Priest that he needs to M.Y.O.B.
Which I'm sure won't happen and I'll once again be blamed for BF's decent into a morally corrupt life.
"Damn American girl!!!"
P.S. Props to [redacted] who inspired me to learn to add pics and just now, how to add a link!
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
To top that off, our fabulously spineless boss has committed the faux pau of promising us our raises before the Christmas break and then reneged by telling us that really might not actually happen.
I'm going to have to prostitute myself in order to buy eggs.
Which in my case, means I'll starve.
Friday, December 01, 2006
Stress and I do not compliment each other.
Monday, October 30, 2006
In other news, BF won out in the bedding battle by complaining that my comforter, which I love dearly, is too heavy, "it chokes" him (which I couldn't help but picture oversized comforter hands wrapping around his throat attempting to choke him in great cartoon style) and too small for the bed. It was the size issue that won me over, and I have added to my credit card debt even more by purchasing a new "quilt" that is almost the exact color of my walls and therefore finding the bed has become a new fun challenge.
Monday, October 23, 2006
I've been ordered to inform her promptly when the event occurs so that she may book the appropriate flights and arrival time so that we may once again discover why aspirin isn't enough, and most likely, why you don't do the bachelorette party the night before the wedding.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
My faith in the human race took a blow that day, it truly did.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Now, I can't help but point out that her bringing the paper around cuts out the possibility of ME wasting time by going and GETTING the paper myself. Who is she to deny me my own time wasting time? Who, I ask, Does she THINK SHE IS???!!!!!!????!!!! Only the evil use their time wasting time to deny others their own time wasting time.
Friday, September 29, 2006
I think he is stockpiling down payment money, but I'm not letting him know that I know.
Monday, September 18, 2006
In the past week I've heard and read much about the Pope's "comment" that was made whilst addressing the German populous. The Islamic Leaders are outraged and upset about a piece of text written a few centuries ago. You have to ask, or at least I do, If this "letter" was so damning to Islam, why was it never publicly denounced by them before now? They are demanding an apology from the Pope, and even THAT won't be enough they claim.
Now the Islam followers are all up in arms, burning churches. I can't help but notice, as should you, that burning a church, of any domination, pretty much makes you a bad person. Which, um, is exactly what the letter from the 1400 said to begin with, is it not?
Say it with me people, Actions Speaker Louder than words. So go ahead and SAY you are a peace loving religion as you launch a fire bomb at the local church, we'll all understand. And I'm sure a Public Apology will certainly be enough to cover the damage of the burned churches by your peace loving followers.
Islamic militants vow war after pope comments
“We shall break the cross and spill the wine ... God will (help) Muslims to conquer Rome ... (May) God enable us to slit their throats, and make their money and descendants the bounty of the mujahideen,” said the statement, posted on Sunday on an Internet site often used by al-Qaida and other militant groups.
Yes, Peaceful, so very peaceful.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
BF fessed up that Momma has been harking on the whole wedding issue.
"If she was from The Homeland, you'd be married by now." She informed him last week.
So I asked, "Does she really like me, or does she just want you to get married for the sake of being married??"
"For the sake of being married." Came his too quick reply. Ok, so I'm not getting the Daughter-in-law of the year award.
"Does she understand that we're not from some small village where your parents know my parents and we grew-up together and have known each other forever? We haven't known each other forever you know, not even a year yet."
"No, they don't get it."
"They need to get it."
"I know. I told her if she asks again I won't call her anymore, and if and when it does happen, I'll call her and tell her."
I'm telling you, the woman has my "Good China" picked out and the children named already, I swear.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Seriously, I love him, and I'm sure it'll all work out the way it's suppose to.
And here I was just last month complaining of the Momma Push down the aisle. Oh how times have changed.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Lesson learned: Drinking the entire contents of your "liquor cabinet" not only makes you horribly, horribly ill, but it also leaves you nothing to drink when you return to work on Monday, and realize that everyone is a complete dolt and hence you will need a drink when the day ends, but you have nothing, because you drank it all, and are too "house poor" to replenish your supply.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
People in this world are overtly stupid. People in this world lack basic, common sense, or, in the words of my mother, "You don't use the good sense God gave ya." And yes, it was directed at me, but I've since stood in the "Common Sense" line and had my card re-stamped. So it is with my stamp that I make the list of just how stupid people are.
- During an unprecedented heat wave in my area recently, the kind where they tell you on the News to drink tons of water and then tell you the tally of those that are deceased because of said heat wave, You, oh stupid one, are out Jogging, in a Sweatshirt.
- We are currently headed towards a "Gas Crisis", which means there are long lines at the Stations whom have gas 5cents cheaper then everyone else. You, oh stupid one, pull into line in such away that you trap those of us already at the pump, at the pump. Hence preventing you and 4 other people from getting gas and creating a massive tie-up.
- I have ordered pizza for everyone for lunch, I've sent out the e-mail stating that I am ordering pizza for everyone for lunch, I have walked the office announcing that the pizza I ordered for everyone for lunch has now arrived. You, oh stupid one, come and tell me that the pizza has arrived.
- I have created a list comprising over 2,000 names of "important" people. You, oh stupid one, having looked at the list of 2,000 plus names, demand to know why 2 random people are missing, and I should know this off the top of my head.
- You are currently entrenched in a huge project with an ever looming deadline. You snap at people who ask for your help, when it's your job to help, saying you haven't the time to help. You constantly complain that you have too much to do and not enough time to do it. You can be spotted throughout the workday leaning in doorways, chatting gaily. You purposely work part-time, instead of full-time. You, oh stupid one, take an entire week off, mid-deadline.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Interestingly enough, I think BF may have proposed twice this weekend. How, you ask, could I not possibly know if it was an actual proposal or not? One was uttered in the post coital cuddle,
"Will you be mine forever?"
I responded simply in the words of Prince, the midget man of music and sexuality, "Forever's a mighty long time."
But my mind was racing: Was that a proposal? Should I say Yes? Do I want to say Yes? Should I ask him if it was a proposal? Could this be any more like Will and Grace when Woody Harrison asked Grace to marry him during sex?The second, in response to my quiet rant about not having kids and a husband,
"You could have both those things quite easily."
I called him out on this last one:
"Is that a proposal BF?"
"No, I'm just sayin."
Emhm, and I'm just not buyin it.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
"But, I don't know where any of your stuff goes. Or what I could and couldn't throw out." "I'll tell you. Please Adult, I really need your help. And I helped you." Ok, now let me clarify his statement of "I helped you." When I bought my house everyone I knew was asking me to have a party, so I did, but I needed help with certain BF-related things, like hanging a bathroom mirror, and shelves and a little plumbing. This is what he "helped" me do. When I declared the night before the party at 8pm that I would be pulling an all nighter to clean, he disappeared at 10pm, I was up til midnight and still didn't finish. Since he has bought his home, which I went with him to see almost all 70+ homes, I rounded up the people to help him move and moved him, I helped him pick out paint, a mattress, a bedroom set, and am currently on the lookout for a new dining-room set. I also actually painted with said paint, which I got him a discount on. I helped him do the initial cleaning, which we never finished because the painting needed to be done. (Totally backwards from my female point of view.) He also lived with me through all this. And, he continues to borrow my mower, weed wacker and leaf blower instead of buying the one that he saw that "...was a really great deal." I guess, what I'm getting at is, my debt has been paid. Ok, yes, as a GF I shouldn't be keeping track, but really, the give and take is becoming more take than give here people. However, knowing the hurt feelings and fight that would ensue if I did indeed head for the hills, I stayed, and cleaned. You have no idea how hard it was to do this. I mean really, people who clean for a living, how DO you know where to put stuff??? I know at one point I was throwing "clean" clothes down the basement stairs into the laundry, but they had been on the floor for so long, they certainly qualified as being dirty again. All the papers and mail, where was that to be placed?? The confusion was only made worse by the swirling tornado of dust that was created from disturbing the "order" of things.
Somehow, I managed to finish, sweaty and dirty, but you can now actually SEE the floor, instead of just trusting that it is there as you take a precarious step.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
"I miss this. Us being together. I've felt like we've been so distant with each other the last few weeks."
My heart skipped a beat. Distant? First off, where does my BF get off using Female Speak? When have you EVER heard a Male say, without prompting from Dr. Ruth, that the woman in his life has been Distant??? Secondly, how did I, a woman who feels Sheryl Crow's song "Strong Enough" and Meredith Brooks' "Bitch" were written specifically about her, find a man who is actually, SENSITIVE??
"Distant? We've been together everyday." I said while racking my brain to see if I had been a horrid bitch without realizing it.
"I know, but it just seems like things have been, different. "
Dear lord, he was right, my heart sank. I HAD been feeling the need to pull away from him, sometimes he can be a tad suffocating. And here he was, telling me that he noticed and all I could do was make stupid Male comments.
"Really? You think so? We've been really busy."
"I know." He mumbled unconvinced.
I could tell by the tone of his voice that he knew I was deflecting the real issue. Me, putting distance between us, knowingly.
"You still love me, right?" he asked quietly.
OH! I've become the man in the relationship! That is so wrong, so very wrong. And a cold emotionally stunted man at that.
I practically dislocated a vertebrate because I tried to turn over too fast, I didn't quite make it since he was spooning me.
"OF COURSE I DO! What in the world made you ask that?"
"I was just checking." came the child like reply.
I don't deserve this man, I honestly don't think I do.
My crazy is going to break his sweet heart.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
"Who's turn is it to buy the card?"
"Who's turn is it to "make" the cake?"
"Where are we going to lunch and who's turn is it to make the reservations?"
And that of course leads us to, "Well I MADE a cake when it was MY turn, she just went to the store."
"That cake, card, lunch was better than what I got."
"I drove to lunch LAST time, remember?"
None of these exchanges are said in all the sugary sweetness of those sugar cake decorations either, may I remind you.
When I made the ULTIMATE mistake of suggesting that we no longer celebrate these sexual faux pas that caused births, I was told in no uncertain terms that, "Not everyone has a family like yours or mine where they get together to celebrate birthdays."
So yes World, you are responsible for the happiness, mental and emotional well being of your Co-Workers, for whom you fill the void left by uncaring and cold family members.
You know, if their own family doesn't like them, why should I?
Thursday, June 29, 2006
I tried to listen to what he said the best I could while keeping one eye and ear tuned into The King of Queens.
"Ha hahahaha, Momma. pause It is too funny. pause It'll happen when it happens Momma."
It is at this point I realize that once again she is questioning him as to when we'll be getting married. Apparently the Rents don't hate me for being mouthy. Apparently, even though we've been dating less time then it takes to gestate a human baby, we're ready to be wed. Our eyes meet and he immediately covers my mouth with his hand. I started yelling my protests and flailing my arms, which only makes my muffled ranting seem all the more crazy.
"Yes Momma I know. pause There's no sense in talking about that right now, it's done. It'll make me mad. pause Ok, yes, bye Momma."
I'd begun to gnaw at his hand shortly before the conversation was over. He finally released me and I began firing questions at him.
"What did she want to know now that'll happen when it happens?"
"When we're getting married. 'We're not getting any younger' you know."
"Why won't you let me speak for myself? Let me tell her to back off."
"You want me to hand you the phone next time?"
Ah, there it is, he catches me in my fear of confrontation. I consider before answering, " No, I have a hard time understanding your mom with her accent. It's really heavy sometimes."
"She speaks fine. This is just how things are done in "The Homeland." "
"We're not IN the "Homeland." " I replied weakly.
"I know we're not."
And yet, as we sat there silently watching the commercials, we both felt ourselves booking a reservation for "The Homeland" and all it's cultural pitfalls.
I won't even get a cool stamp on my Passport if I go the way of "The Homeland".
How is that fair I ask? How is it?????
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
I considered her statement, wondering if the mean was going to be directed at me or not, "LOL, like you have to ask!" I'd decided to take a chance.
"Ok, so like when you are at work and you have to go "#2", don't you use the handicap stall?"
Let me explain about the female office restroom. We actually have a nice Ladiesroom, with a cupboard where each female has her own cubie to keep certain feminine products. There are 2 stalls like in any other public restroom, where you can go shoe-peeping without reprocusions, but we also have a handicaped "stall" which is like a real bathroom with real walls and a real door, there's no shoe-peeping going on here. What makes it the "Handicap" stall is that is has metal supports bolted to the walls. Because of it's Real Bathroom like set-up, and the obivous lack of a handicaped co-worker, this "stall" has the unwritten distinction of being the one to use for "#2".
"Well yes, of course."
"OK, so why doesn't GC use it? I mean, really."
"Yes, I know, it gives more..... containment, so everyone else doesn't have to, experience it."
"Right. Or use the one upfront."
"I don't think she's a washer either, I think she's just a wetter."
(Washer=Someone who uses soap & water after using the bathroom. Wetter=Someone who only rinses their hands, no soap is used. Walker=someone who just walks out, not a washer and not a wetter.)
"Oh! Don't say she's not a washer!" Insert grossed out face here.
I nod my head grimly.
I mean really, how can you sit across from someone at the meeting when you've just had a containmentless, walker experience with them?
Um, can we say Oxymoron? I realize the "Don't Ever Change" was meant along the same lines as "BFF" and "Stay Cool 4 Ever" yearbook type sayings, but, Seriously?
Upon my arrival home BF tells me he confronted his Rents about their lack of initiative when it comes to their visiting their out of state son.
"I talked to my Rents about coming out here. I dropped the F-Bomb on my mom I was so mad."
"Oh, ouch, how'd it go?"
"They're coming. I told them what you said about not going to visit them again until they come out here."
OMG! OMFG!!!!!!! HE DID WHAT!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!? I could feel the Rent hate vibing towards me across the thousands of miles. Mind you I imparted this bit of girlfriend advance after the visit out to see them and was dragged kicking and screaming to see countless, faceless, relatives to which I had barely 20 words to speak. They quite literally speak a different language, and I'm not talking one that would be covered by High School Spanish either. Upon listening to one of his many rants about the Rents and their non-visiting status I laid down the threat of all threats, We don't visit until they do. This threat of course was never to be linked to me. I was to be Kevin Spacey in The Usual Suspects, just limpin along to the music, smiling like the good girlfriend completely in the dark about how or why they finally decided to visit. Instead, he makes me Stephen Baldwin, and you know Stephen NEVER gets out alive.
"You did what???? You told who WHAT?!?!?! Are you crazy??!?!!?! Shit! Now I'm just not the wrong color(culture) I'm mouthy and opinionated to boot!!!!!!! "
My horror at my new label was met with laughter, and then he got out the macaroni and cheese to make for dinner.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
When morning broke I poised the inquiry, "So what was the deal with you last night?"
"In the middle of the night you snaked your hand into my panties and
rubbed my tushy."
"I DID? Seriously?"
"Oh yeah you did. You don't remember it?"
"You didn't do it on purpose?"
"Ha, no I didn't."
We both laughed it off. Little did I know.
A week passes. Once again, hugging the edge of BF's King sized bed, I felt the sheet begin to move. And there it was, another Midnight Manhandling was occurring! This time I think my left cheek was squeezed.
Again as daylight shone through the window I say to him, "You did it again last
"Rubbed my tushy."
"Again???? Wow, I just don't remember doing it." He shook his head puzzled.
I smiled and kissed his nose.
The next night I was Manhandled twice. I'm beginning to grow suspicious of his memory loss.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Monday, June 19, 2006
Upon inquiries about past Diaries I hauled them out, about 12 in all, so that he might discover the "juicy stuff" about my life before he came along. I figured that reading items of my life B.B. (before bf) wouldn't harm anything. Since I barely have enough juice in my life time to flesh out a small mandarin orange. Ah, how wrong I was. He cracked open the first Diary and "Love Letters" began falling out. Do you feel the room beginning to spin?
Oh, but wait, grab a wall, it gets better. There was an actual stack of love letters and cards from the most recent Ex stacked neatly between the Diaries, and they screamed for his attention:
(Insert Bridget Jones' : FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK subtitle here)
I shove them farther away and cozy up with BF and the shiny Diary.... "Let's see what kinda juice we have here."
He seemed to be deterred, for the moment. How do you explain to BF that ExBF was the first man who not only Told you he Loved you but also put it in Writing? That's something I just can't seem to let go, am I wrong here? Am I tempting fate by keeping proof that someone outside my bloodline loved me at one time?
So let's reflect on the mistakes: 1) Left Diary out in the open for BF to discover.
2) In order to distract BF from current Diary containing info about him, old Diaries are unearthed, along with Love Letters from Ex.
3) Telling BF that said Love Letters are from the Ex.
What we shall NOT do is tell BF about Blog. No No No NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
1) Being a “blonde” is not cost effective. I have been demoted to a lemon juice blonde, and that only works during the summer. Forgive me my roots in the dead of winter.
2) Using a credit card to buy groceries is as sad a state of affairs as I thought it was when I was in my 20’s and all I EVER needed to get chips and Vodka was my Debt card.
3) Living in the “Burbs” means parking in the street so that your neighbor is completely cluster fucked when trying to back out of her extremely narrow new driveway onto an even narrower street.
4) Having school aged (high school that is) kids in the neighbor is a complete bitch when you are grasping the last bits of sleep before dragging yourself to work, and their carpool buddies thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to lay on the horn at 7am. *Clue* It’s not acceptable.
5) Having “Shade Trees” in my yard is great in the summer, a complete raking horror in the fall.
6) Being an “Independent woman” means cleaning out your own gutters because you can’t afford to have someone do it for you.