Shit Still Be Happenin'

Ok. Anybody still out there? I know, Where the HELL have I been! Um, sorry folks, the work load has really been a brute. I really shouldn't even be writing this now. But I thought I should check in. Especially since Little Man is now OVER A YEAR OLD. Holy shit where has the time gone? I actually took a few minutes to read one of my regular Blogs today and felt bad because I'm not sitting down writing Little Man long letters chronicling what has been going on in his life thus far like apparently all mom bloggers do. In fact, often times I feel like I am letting him down, or not doing enough. He is old enough now that I feel over the weekends he is BORED. There is so much going on during the day at daycare, I don't know how we can possibly compete and still have food and clothing available to us.
But I digress. So many things have happened since Little Man came into our lives. He turned one! And we had a party. No one from Back East came. Per F's orders.  There were many, MANY ear infections. I believe last count had us at 8.  They started when we enrolled him into daycare after my mom said she just couldn't do it any more. At four months old I handed my sweet little man over to someone else to care for. NOT. EASY.
Because of the ear infections we had tubes installed, just after his first birthday.  A month later, another infection. The ENT that did the surgery pretty much blew us off, and every doctor at our pediatrician's office had a different opinion about the effectiveness of tubes.  Needless to say, we've switched care providers on both fronts. So far, so good.
  F took Little Man BY HIMSELF Back East. Because I continue to refuse to stay with the out-laws, F decided that the cost of staying in a hotel was too much and given several options, chose the one where I stayed home. I can't say I was thrilled to have Little Man out of my line of sight for several days considering where he was going, but they both came back none the worse for wear and Little Man's bedtime routine was still the same. NO RETRAINING required. Bless us Lord. Amen.
After coming back from said trip F was already talking about the next one for this summer. *heavy sigh*
Things with the outlaws are still contentious. I suppose I am so used to my own mom's hands-off approach that when they start questioning, poking, nagging, I get annoyed and shut down.  My own problem I know.

Anyway, happier note! Little Man has hit all his milestones. I cannot tell you how relieved that makes me feel. He is a little on the small, side, but he makes up for it with his massive amounts of personality and mischief making.
We just took him for his 18 month check up, all is well!!! My ears and heart delight each and every time he says "Mom-mah" and I hope that is how he will always say it. He and Puppy have their moments. Sometimes she'll play with him, most times she runs from him though. He loves to read and knows exactly where his books are kept, or "boo(k silent)".  He has my heart he does.
 There is so much to share, I can't tell you all of it because I can't remember all of it! I can't say I will do better about keeping you informed, but I will try. Often times I forget I even have a blog.

I hope you all are well! I wish you a fabulous long Memorial Day weekend! God Bless our Troops!!!

Pinch Hitter

We are closing in on the end of the whole I'm PREGNANT phase and approaching the I'M A NEW MOM phase. And honestly, I am a little sad to see the end of the pregnancy. I've had a really good one with few problems and I'm not going to lie, I enjoy the special treatment. Who wouldn't? I get to sit and watch Ghost Hunters while F cleans the house? Um, YES PLEASE. I get to nap instead of doing laundry? Where's the pillow??? Seriously, I could really get used to the pampered lifestyle.
But I know it is coming to a close. And I am ready to meet this Little Man who loves to punch his mommy in her bladder making her stop in her tracks while the ringing vibration of the hit subsides. I am ready to be done with the swollen feet. The end of October and I am still wearing flip flops because it is the only thing that fits. I am also ready to be done hearing F say, "Well how can you TELL your feet are swollen??" When CLEARLY they are 4X their normal size and there are strap marks from your flip flops still cutting across your foot an hour after you've removed your shoes and propped your feet up. When the doctor looks at you at during your appointment and says, "So, how's the swelling?" as he hitches up  your pant leg to take a look at your "elephantinus" (Sailor Mouth's husband's assessment) ankles. And then proceeds to tell you that you better remove your wedding ring while you still can and put it on a chain to wear.  When I told F this new development that would require the purchase of a chain? "Just don't wear it."
Um, yeah. Cause the stigma of a pregnant lady without a ring is non-existent. I received no chain and have been "just not wearing it" and feel completely judged every time I go out. This brings us to the newest phase of being pregnant. The Birth Class phase. When I realized there were various classes offered I signed us up for as many as I dared before I thought F would start refusing to attend. F claims to not be a novice with this whole baby thing, but seriously, he so is. Some of his comments over the last 7 months has really made me wonder about his knowledge of the birthing process. It is minimal ya'll. We had our first class together this weekend. I was concerned about how he would take the 7.5 hours of birth Birth BIRTH!!!! But he did remarkably well. Half way through he said he was learning all manner of things. I was surprised but very glad that this was the case.  His interest began to wane at the end of the class when it was focused on making your baby momma more comfortable during labor. He was not pleased about being my pillow, but I did get a half hearted attempt at a back massage later that night, so something appeared to have sunk in.
What I'm finding "sunk in" was bits and pieces, not the full scheme of the "L&D" process.  I think we've discussed that  F is an engineer?  And hence has a VERY different thought process, very linear. When the instructor informed the class that at 35 weeks you are considered full term and can deliver safely anytime thereafter,  F heard "DELIVER ANYTIME, IMMEDIATELY." On the way home from picking up the crib mattress he queried as to how far, exactly, was I along?
"Just the start of 35 weeks."
"When do you start counting?"
"Well, on Wednesday I will be 35 weeks, 5 days."
"So the 35th week started.......?"
"Friday?"
"Yes, FRIDAY. So you could go into labor ANY MINUTE."
"Well, yes, I suppose."
"ANY DAY, ANY TIME!"
"Um, yeah?"
"We have to be ready, we HAVE TO GET THE CRIB!!!!"
"ooook."
When we got home he fixated on the crib and the need for it to be in the house RIGHT NOW.
This discussion brought me almost to tears because my feet were swollen, my back hurt, I'd just spent 7.5 hours in a class I really didn't need to attend and then was dragged to a sketchy Toys-R-Us to pick up the crib mattress. I was SPENT and just wanted to be done for the day.
We agreed that the next day we would go order the crib. Thankfully they had one in stock and there was no need to wait 6-8 weeks for delivery because I was due NOW NOW, ANYTIME NOW!!!!!
I thought after procuring said crib we'd moved on into safer, calmer waters of understanding.
I was wrong.
While at dinner at my mom's later that night the topic turned towards her readiness for the impending day and the need to put together her own hospital bag since I asked her to be part of my L&D team. And by "Team" I meant her, F and anyone with a medical background and a hospital ID badge. I made her a list as we discussed what she might need clothes wise F chimes in with, "You know, you really should line up some other (birthing) coaches. Like maybe call S_E_S."
"What?"
"Well, if labor really does last 20 hours (a factoid from class, 20 hours is the average from the very start to finish) then I'm going to need someone to relieve me."
My mom stopped mid task and stared at him.
My mouth was stopped from hitting the floor only because the kitchen table was in the way.
"WHAT?!" my mom and I said together.
"That's a long time, someone will need to relieve me."
"REALLY? And just WHO will I get to relieve ME and take over having the baby?"
"Well, no one."
"EXACTLY. If I have to be there the whole time, YOU have to be there
THE. WHOLE. TIME."
"Nuh nuh."
"Yuh Huh."

Yep, complete and total understanding.

Where We Are With The Pregnancy Thing

I've cut my possible baby name list in half. I've traded my visions of dresses and pig tails for vests and frog tails. And you know what? I love him already. I talk to him more, I smile when he tickles my belly from the inside, and I look forward to my little man's arrival. My little man. He has ten fingers, ten toes, two eyes and one strong little beating heart. I can't tell if he loves or hates the spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy's, but I know it makes him do baby gymnastics in there. He's growing right on schedule. I have finally relaxed about most of it. I am avoiding some things still, like research, and classes, which I know I need to do, but I have this fear in my heart and mind of jinxing his arrival if I get ahead of myself. Which in reality is probably making me be behind. But I think I'm ok with that.
I am not OK with the gestational diabetes. Because of my age and weight and "sugar history", they tested me super early, like week 8. It has been a constant battle of numbers since. Testing four times a day. Testing within an hour of eating; which can really take a toll on your personal life and vacation plans. Shooting up with insulin at the same time every night. I never thought I would be packing an insulin pen in my clutch at a recent wedding so I could stab myself in a stall in the lady's room. Counting, counting, COUNTING CARBS. Goodbye cheesy bread sticks! Hello STEAK. I have been doing quite well with this, I admit. I've "cheated" a few times. I had a scoop of ice cream for my birthday. But it has turned out to be much easier than I thought. Because I want to give this Little Man a chance. After everything to get him here, I want him to know happiness. So I have a bite or two of F's pizza before finishing off my salad. I've actually LOST WEIGHT. I can not tell you how many people have asked me if I'm really pregnant or not. As I type this in week 21? I am STILL wearing my regular pants! Who knew?!?!?!
So there you have it. A BOY. A Boy who has already stolen his momma's heart.

What DO You Know Costco?

So, what are you telling us about Mother's Day Costco?
Arrive with flowers AND a survival kit?
What if you have more than 4 people in your family?
If you buy 2, do you get a discount?

Do People Really Fall for This Crap?

Some how, I don't think the FBI is using Yahoo! for their email server.
I could be wrong.

Hard Core Yo!

PCH is coming at ya strong !! They be rollin with the BIG DOGS
WOOF WOOF

Really PCH??? This rough and tumble look is a bit much. It makes me think your money is dirty.
Mob ties??

Ed would be so distressed.

2012, Stay in Your Own Decade Please

So, I signed up to received these news letters from these people. Probably because they said if I did I'd have a chance to win something. They presented themselves as  hip e-news for today's women.
But then I got this, and I'm thinking maybe not so much................

TURBAN HEADBANDS. WTF??? NO. Just, NO.

Check THESE Out!!

Crazy Co-Worker has been on a shopping spree and likes to show and discuss with me her new outfits. I am more than happy to talk clothing with people. Hit me up anytime!
However, when you corner me in the bathroom and force me into this conversation, well, I'm not so inclined to chat with you.

"You know DH, these new clothes of mine are great. I even got new underwear."
"Really?"
"Yep. I like the silky ones, you know? And these new ones, you can wear instead of a slip because they are made out of slip material and don't show your panties lines. Have  you heard of them?"
"No?"
"We I really like how they feel. And around the leg they have these ridges, to keep them down."
"Yes, made of rubber, right?"
"YES! Like see these leopard print ones *pulls down her waist band about 4 inches to expose said silky leopard print* Are real nice, feel them."
I of course hesitate. Feeling someone else's underwear while they are wearing it? Odd.

"Go, on."
I gingerly touch said leopard print silky underwear on CCW's exposed hip.

"Right?? Nice!!"

"Yes, very." (please don't let anyone walk in right now!)
"But you see when I wear them with regular stockings they fall down! So I spend all my time hitchin and yankin them back up."

I giggle as she makes the motions in the bathroom mirror of hitchin and yankin up her nylons. I mean really, how could I not relate to that?

"But when I wear these kind of stockings, *exposes her leg to show me tights* They work perfectly!"

"That makes sense."  I say as we both head towards the door. "Just know CCW, that I won't being feeling any new bras you may have gotten."

"*LOL* oh DH, you're the ONLY one I've told about my panties!"


Lucky me.

Change Day

So this is what happens in the Midwest when you go from 70 degrees and sunny one day to 55 cold, windy, rainy and the heat is out in the office.

Yes, those yellow things are baby chicks
And not that you care, but the heels are by Aerosoles, my most favorite brand in all the world.

SOCKS, with DRESS SHOES because the weather changed over night and I haven't had time to change my Wardrobe from "Summer" to "Winter". Also know as changing from "Open Toe" to "Closed Toe". Basically, I haven't washed my knee highs, or as the store calls them so you don't feel like your Grandma, "Trousers Socks" yet. Guess I'll have to dig them out of storage. Fun fun.

Some how I don't see my style making Big Mama's Fashion Friday edition any time soon.

She Survived

Puppy survived her overnight stay at the Vet. She was such a huge hit that when we turned to leave with her all the vet techs came out to say goodbye. "OH!  Is Puppy leaving?!?!?!" "Oh Puppy is soooo cute!!"  "Puppy is so PRECIOUS!!"  When we inquired as to their boarding policy one tech begged us to let her take Puppy home with her to watch!! "Here's my number. I'd LOVE to take Puppy home with me!!! She's so cute!!"

However, Puppy was outfitted with "The Cone of Shame" because she can not leave her incision alone. She shook and quaked this morning as we were getting ready to leave. She looked so sad and forlorn in her cage with The Cone of Shame on. It ended up with us blocking off the entire dining room because she was unable to enter her cage or get to her water with "The Cone of Shame" on.

I Know I haven't Written Lately......

But we got one of these at the end of July and to say the least, our lives are a little bit more busy because of it.

Meet Puppy. She is our new LOVE.

I of course have an update about the insurance thing that was a bit of a cluster,  not just for me, but for others as well. I just need to find time to write it up.

Barbie & Ken

F and I are looking for a puppy.  This in and of it's self is an interesting undertaking because where as I grew up with dogs, F only had one cat; to which he is still deeply attached despite the fact that it has been dead for almost 20 years. Because of this attachment and only experience in the pet owning world he thinks cats are Da'Bomb and is completely ignorant about dogs. 
I am not exaggerating about this even one little iota.  While at an adoption event this weekend we were admiring a litter of 3 puppies 3 families had just adopted; F looks at the adorable pups and then turns to me and quite seriously inquires, "How do you know if it is a boy or a girl?"
"You know, a boy has a 'wee'." I inform him quietly out of the side of my mouth.
"A 'wee' ?" F looks at me confused.

Mind you this is a term we have used in the past to identify certain body parts.

"Yes, a wee. You know, the 'boy' part." If you are thinking that at this point I should have just said, PENIS I would have, were we not in the company of small children who yes, probably knew the proper word but I just felt odd saying it out loud in a public place of mixed company.

"Oh............WHERE?"

Um, That Doesn't Go There

When F bought the house that we now call "ours", we were still just dating. Therefore, when he requested that the green and pink paisley couch come with the house, I didn't object all too much. What did I care? I had my house with it's own furniture.  Then we got engaged and I moved in.  It was shortly there after that I purchased the first "our house" item; a cover for said green and pink paisley couch.  With the cover the couch wasn't all that bad. But it had seen many a tushy and needed to be replaced. Thus began my campaign for leather recliners. F fought on this stating the couch was still fine. But then he sat in it for more than 30 minutes and SUDDENLY the need for recliners was a grand idea. This only took me a year to accomplish.
 Next came the part of trying to both agree on a pair of recliners we liked. I kid you not when I tell you this process took 6 months. Finally, Costco came to my rescue. We bought the recliners featured in their Connection Magazine, and the green and pink paisley couch made it's way to the Salvation Army.  This brought us back full circle to the question of where to place the desk top computer I'd finally gotten from work(after a 5 year wait, another story).  I have always wanted to place it in the "dining room" (really the 3rd bedroom in our house) which has a dead space corner, but F has always wavered between there and the other corner in the family room. Now with the couch gone, he feels there is enough room to place the computer in family room. Now starts our next debate.
One in which F made his argument against the dining room by saying, "But, I've always wanted that room to be a dining room with a daybed!"

*Mystified pause* "What???? Uh, you CAN NOT put a daybed in the dining room!!!"

*Blank stare* "I just don't have the mental power to have this conversation."

"Obviously."

A bed, in the dining room. A BED in the DINING ROOM. A room which is maybe 8x8 containing a table that seats 10. The dead space corner could not handle an entire daybed.
A BED. I just, how? The mental picture in my head. We have a spare room, with a queen sized bed and an extra queen mattress in the basement, plus a pull out queen sized couch in the living room. We do not need another bed. Let alone a BED in the DINING ROOM.
As for another "couch", we have 3, who needs another couch/daybed???
Really, where does he get these ideas??

F Gets Pissed In His Sleep

"God Damn it Woman! Shut the FUCK up Already!!!!!!"


He can't remember if it was directed at me or not, "But it probably was."

F Sleep Speaks

"'Cause I'm gonna get SWEATY, you ASSHOLES."

Sh*t F Says In His Sleep

"You STUPID, FUCKING Bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Are you STILL looking at that??" *giggle"

"I just want to go back to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.........."

This was all said in one night, this was actually a SLOW evening.
Do you know how hard it is to remember what someone says in their sleep when you are half asleep yourself? Not easy digital folks, not easy at all.

How Men Read

E-Mail I sent to F: "I made an eye dr appt for you for Wednesday @ 2:30. If that won't work for you, you need to call them and change it: [redacted phone #]. ( i added the bold and underline for you digital reader, it is important)

F's response: "Sorry DH but the next 2 weeks I am busy well beyond 5 please change."



I read this and was all W.T.F????? Seriously, I am not your secretary. I was doing him a solid by making the appointment to begin with. It is not like I ask him to make my Gyno appointment for me, ya know????

But before I could fashion this from mental thought to written word, I see a second e-mail from F which was sent 10 minutes after the first one: "I will call them."

Ahhh, he CAN read!!! A little slow on the comprehension, but still; I am so proud.

My New Theme Song

Seriously, minus the hand down the pants, the video games, and the sex with a girl (not that there's anything wrong with that) this is my new theme song.

What F Said

I’ve mentioned it before, F talks in his sleep, A LOT. Sometimes he rambles on in the Homeland Language, so I never understand him, but I try to remember how it sounded so I can ask him what it meant in the morning. But other times, when he talks, it is crystal clear English, and I’m all over that. Once, he growled, “God Damn it DH!!” That freaked me out a little bit. He has said other things as well. “Come you guys!!!” “You guys are ASSHOLES!!” “Is that going to work for you?” In most instances when I remember to ask him about it in the morning, he doesn’t remember what he was dreaming about. There are other times when I can’t tell if he is whimpering or giggling.
Last night he hissed, “You’re a FUCKING idiot!” I was pretty sure that even though he was mere inches from my ear that statement was in no way directed at me.

Granted, he’s not as funny as this guy, but I find it entertaining all the same.

Potty Time Made More Fun!!!

F and I went out to dinner. Several lemonades later, and I had to visit the restroom.


I was greatly amused at what I saw contained within my stall:



The Grandma Face seals the deal on this one



Double take, then giggle

So yeah, it appears I was drinking when I took this.
"Still Standing, Unlike Those We Serve."