DH Had Her Groove Stolen

So I've started the Zumba! class at the REC center.  Although I sweated my ASS off, I am extremely HORRIFIED to discover that the fabulous booty shakin groove I've had ALL MY LIFE has apparently disappeared. Yes, gone. Gone baby GONE. The only thing I could chalk it up to, Aerobics. Aerobics stole my groove. Aerobics is stiff? I guess you'd say. Where as Aerobics is all LEFT. RIGHT. FRONT. BACK. Zumba! is more LEFT......SWISH!.......RIGHT.......WRIGGLE!....FRONT.....DIP!!!.....DIP!!!!!!!!!!..... BACK....CHA CHA!!!!.....WAVE THOSE HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE!!!!....SWISH! DIP! WRIGGLE!!! HOP!!! I mean seriously, not to boast too much here, but I used to be quite the hip grinding dance freak at Ladies' Night!!! at the local hot spot during college. Now? my hips were all, "DUDE! What the EFF??? That kinda HURTS!"  I've lost my ability to swish my hips. There were moments where it would dawn on me that I needed to feel the music and stop trying so hard to get the steps right, and that did help, a little, until I found myself on the wrong foot, facing the wrong way, shakin my booty when I was suppose to be tapping my heel. I realize this was only the first class, and that by the time it is over, I should be doing better. I HOPE! Seriously, I HAVE TO get my groove back!
When I got home F wanted to know how it went.

"Well, I've lost my groove."
"You had a groove??"
*evil eye* "Yes!"
"Riiight."

I'm not lookin to get the kind of groove back that would land me Ty Diggs, although, BOY HOWDY that would be an AWESOME groove to have, just the kind of groove where I wouldn't get laughed at on the dance floor during ladies night at the local watering hole. Is that so much to ask?


Oh, and to the ONE guy that was in the class with his, girlfriend(?), that fart you ripped was nasty, and she had every right to be holy embarrassed by it, and to laugh at you. Seriously, GROSS.

Me Needs Some Pants

As I said before, I've started going back to the gym by taking the fitness classes they offer. A new round of classes will start soon and since it is summer, I need some cooler (heat wise, not style wise) workout pants. The ones I have now I LOVE. They are super comfy and stylish. But with the temps already topping out over the 70's, I will need something with less fabric. Crops, or Capris, something along those lines. Especially since I've signed up for ZUMBA! (i hope my instructor doesn't wear the little hat like the guy on the web page does. CHEESY) I'm hoping for a really great workout and since I am always hot, I don't want to get over heated by wearing the wrong thing. So I've start scouring the web for some cute, yet functional PLUS SIZED Knit Capris. No easy task my friends. They have to be just the right length or I end up looking stumpy, and that is NOT good.

Here is what I've found so far:

Lane Bryant wants $50 bucks for these!!!! Um, NO. Which makes me sad because they are way cute.

These are cute too, but I think the fabric isn't cotton. I don't that SWISHing sound as I workout.

These are Nike's from Nordstrom's $55!!!!!!! Dude, WTF? They are COTTON.

These are from Old Navy, and you can only order them from online.

The reviews are ok, but the ones with the pockets I'm not so sure about. Potential GAPING issue.

Plus, they're $20.

These are also Old Navy, but on sale for $12.50, maybe worth the try.

These are from Roaman's, and they are my FAVS. The reviews are AMAZING.

But apparently I missed their season, because this color and almost a white tan

are the only ones left in my size.

Now THESE. HELLO DADDY. What girl wouldn't want to stuff her plus sized body into these????

Does anybody know of any good crop/capris yoga pants that aren't crazy expensive and are still available??? I really need to get some!

OOOMMM....Nooooot Reeeelaaaaaxing.....OOOOMMMM

So, I'm back in the gym.  My doctor threatened to put me on meds for my sugar level unless I can get it under control myself. So I joined a couple classes. The first is an intense workout called Butts & Guts. I didn't think I would be able to walk out of the class of my own free will. But I managed. My unused muscles were not happy with me for shocking them back into use. But I enjoyed it, and I know it will be a good 6 week class to help keep me motivated. I was also told that I needed to lower my stress level as well for overall health improvement. So I decided to take a Yoga class. Now, mind you, I have absolutely NOTHING against Yoga. I know it is a practice that has been around for eons and it has many benefits.
But, O.M.G. The Yoga instructor I have? Total FLAKE.  Some of her lines are truly gems. "Breath deep. Feel the FIIIIIIIIRE moving through your body." "Even if you drank a little water, your belly is FULL!!!" I can't remember them all, there have been so many. But the one she said last week had me falling over with disbelief. "Now.........move......into...... the Asian squat." (Her instructions are very slow in coming and usually punctuated with alot of "Ums" and giggles.Sometimes she even reads them off a paper. I don't think teaching is her strong suit.) "The Asian squat is a good one. Now I know they are getting toilet seats over there now, but before, they would just squat over a hole in the ground or floor. Right?? So you have to have a wide stance with the Asian squat. I know they got toilets for the Olympics. Right? Lots of those countries OVER THERE don't use toilets. Right?"
My head whipped up so fast, it was truly a Scooby Doo moment of "RHUUUUUUUH??!!!"
Everyone else was just trying not to make eye contact with her. Um, yeah.
Last week when it still 80 degrees outside with 60% humidity @ 8 PM, we wasted 5 minutes discussing whether or not we should have class, outside. In 80 degree weather. We ended up inside where she told us, "Remember Yoga is the dance, and your breath is your partner."
Her style, and her comments make it hard for me to relax and focus on my breathing. This class has not been the stress reliever I had hoped for. So, I've decided to take Tai Chi next.
Taught by "one of those people" from "over there" who know how to do the "Asian squat".

Namaste.

TV Vortex

Tuesday Night I sat down and found that of the 300 channels we have there was NOTHING on. As I was scrolling through the on-screen-guide The Biggest Loser was playing in the background. As the people began to tell their stories so they could "get to know each other" I began to cry. Seriously. WTF? Some of the stories were truly heart wrenching. Abby? The teacher who lost her husband and 2 little kids in a car accident? OMG. I was sucked in. I have a feeling I'll be watching this show the rest of the season.
The one thing that really annoyed me? Jillian. And to a lesser extent, Bob. And their need to SCREAM at the contestants. And YELL SWEARS at them. Really? When was the last time you felt motivated by someone screaming in your face? Motivated to retaliate, maybe. Jillian is a little self righteous. I don't know if I can handle watching her all season. But I will try.
Did anyone else find themselves crying during this episode???

Isane to Get This??

Have any of you seen this new workout infomerical? I've heard of Jillian's 30 Day Shred. And when I Googled it, I got all kinds of hits about people Blogging their way through it with Jillian. But over the weekend I watched a new infomerical about INSANITY. Where they were all about showing how much these people sweated. Zoomed in on the puddle of sweat on the floor under one person. And the voice over is pretty hilarious because it is all 'no bullshit! if you can't commit, don't bother trying!' Which of course made me want to try it out. And as opposed to 30 days, it is 60 days. With several CD's, a calendar poster telling you which workout to do on which day, (way cool, who couldn't use that kind of help?) and a chart to chart your progress from day 1 to day 60, and a FREE T-Shirt if you send in your before and after photos! This is definitely aimed at people who already are workoutaholics. Those people who spend hours in the gym anyway and just can't seem to lose or tone that last little bit.
As I sat there and watched the hottie Shaun T "push, dig deep!" I wondered if I could commit to 60 days of working out. Many people who try the 30 day shred never finish it in 30 days. But I REALLY wanted to try. What held me back? The price. "Just 3 EASY payments of $39.95!!" The math? Rounded up, $120 bucks, and that didn't include Shipping & Handling.
I already have a lovely, dusty collection of workout videos sitting in the basement under the TV I bought specifically for working out in the basement. Yeah. But as my b-day creeps closer, I can't help but not want to be, flab. We haven't been to the gym in AGES, and boy howdy, I can tell.
Do they have a video out there that can cure lazy?????

How Do You Do That?????

Texting while working out. This was something new. I’d heard about those crazy kids these days, texting while driving. Seriously, that is not a smart thing to do. But there she was, on the elliptical next to me, texting away. On a regular cell. Not one of those full keyboard ones, like what I have now(way cool), but a regular old, 3 letters to a key, cell. She’d get a message, turn down her iPod, spend several minutes sending back a lengthy response, put the phone back, turn the iPod back up and continue working out. All while not breaking her stride. It was mesmerizing. I am completely envious of her abilities. I thought I could multi-task with the best of them, but she truly put me to shame.
The girl next to her had on sound cancelling headphones. They looked so bulky and outdated, even though they were shiny new. Amazing how your perceptions change.
Ah, to be young again and not have to worry about losing your balance on the elliptical.

Please, Can't You Just?

A little note to the Asian woman who doesn't wear a bra while working out, and to the woman who wore a decidedly lacey flowly dressy shirt to workout(huh? thanks for dressing up for us), and to the teenage-ish/20something extremely sweaty girl(s) and guys:


FREAKING WIPE DOWN YOUR EQUIPMENT WHEN YOU ARE DONE SWEATING ON IT!!!!


USING YOUR SWEATY TOWEL DOES NOT COUNT. The gym SUPPLIES disinfectant wipes for crying out loud.
I realize that having to walk 20 ft in either direction to obtain said wipe may hinder your workout, nay! add TO it, but I don't think it's too much to ask, since you're there, to you know, MOVE YOUR BODY anyway.

And to the couple who walked around the gym lobby BARE FOOT, that is disgusting. Put your SHOES on like you made your children do. GROSS.





Thank you.

Stupid People

This is an open Blog letter to the fools, and yes, there appears to be more than one, who think it's acceptable to ride a bike in the dark while wearing, BLACK.

Yes. While driving home 3x now, my headlights glinted off the metal on a bike which was coming at me. You rider, riding into on-coming traffic, was clothed, head to toe in BLACK. You even had your hood up to cover your head. You were riding on the shoulder of the road when nary 4 feet over was the SIDEWALK.

The other night as I turned out of the gym parking lot there you were AGAIN, in the ROAD riding into on coming traffic. WEARING SHORTS, it was 30 degrees out! This simply proves how mental you are. Once again, sidewalk? Four feet away. Why were you not on it? And you turned INTO the gym parking lot. The sidewalk would have lead you DIRECTLY to the BIKE STAND.
Please tell me how your approach is logical? I realize the law in our fair State says you have as much right to the road as a car, HOWEVER, that only applies if you are riding your bike in the same manner as you would drive a car. i.e. WITH TRAFFIC. IN A LANE. NOT on the SHOULDER. With proper lighting and reflective items so that we, the common drivers, don't almost kill you as we exit the gym because we simply CAN NOT SEE YOU. Because seriously, who is looking for a GUY on a BIKE at 8 pm at night, in NOVEMBER in 30 degree weather???
You are mentally deficient and need to be removed from interaction with the public at large.

Thank you, and Good Day.

I said, GOOD DAY!!!!

Sweat

F and I took some of our wedding money and joined the local community rec center. He keeps telling me we'll be doing a lot of walking on our Honeymoon and he doesn't want me whining about needing a nap in the middle of the day. (nice eh?) Since I got sick on our mini-moon, I didn't attend for about a week. When we started going I enjoyed the treadmill on the upper deck walk way and immediately fell in love with it's on board fans. I claimed it as my own. I knew from previous experience that using the incline was an excellent way to change up and vary your workout. So imagine my irritation when one night we went there and MY TREADMILL was occupied. I grudgingly start my workout on the elliptical right next to said treadmill. As I watched the woman, and her son, who very much did NOT meet the 16yr age rule, workout I became incensed. The woman was NOT using the incline AT ALL. All she varied was her speed, something she could have easily done on the TRACK. Then she got off the treadmill and went on, the TRACK. BUT ALAS! I was still blocked from my beloved treadmill by her SON who in no way was using the equipment properly, and still not meeting the age requirement. FINALLY they left and I claimed the treadmill as my own once again. When F came to check on my progress I angrily told him of the mother-son team and their misuse of MY TREADMILL.

F: "DH, it's not YOUR treadmill."
Me: "YES. IT.IS."
F: "You're crazy."
Me: "Whatever."

The next night my upper deck treadmill gave me a bird's eye view of the teenage girl, wrapped only in a towel (she actually had on a bathing suit underneath, but it was the same color as the towel so you really couldn't tell) as she alternately followed/stalked/cornered her boyfriend and tried to convince him to stay with her (i'm assuming that is what she was doing since I couldn't hear, but at one point she was crying and her body language was giving all the right 'break-up' cues.) I was horrified at her behavior. First, in public. Second, wrapped in A TOWEL. A TOWEL!!!!!! I so wanted to go grab her and tell her to have a little PRIDE for Fuck's sake! But I didn't dare leave my treadmill. The more I watched the more I wanted to smack some sense into her, HARD.
As we were leaving F spots her, he had seen bits of it. He does the side mouth talk: "That girl there? She was fighting with her boyfriend."

"YOU MEAN THE GIRL WITH NO PRIDE WHO WALKED AROUND IN PUBLIC IN A TOWEL!?!?!?"

F: "*sigh* Not so loud! Must you be like that? Judge everyone? Do you think you're better than her?"

Me: " I AM better than her! She has no pride! Behaving like that in public! Stupid girl! She needs a lesson in self worth. PA-THET-IC."

F: "You're crazy."

Me:"Whatever. I'm right."