Deadline

Today my digital friends, is our RSVP deadline. I mailed them out at the end of August. Everyone has had more than a month to find and secure babysitters and whatnot, if that is the case. Here is the math so far:

Invited = 190
RSVPed = 136 (Yes =83 No=53)
Not Responded = 54

That's almost 1/3 of our people who have not responded.

I just nailed a co-worker about not responding, "Oh, it's in my bag. My husband and I have to discuss about the babysitter."

Um, hi, you HELPED me pick out the BM dresses! You knew WAY in advance what time everything was going down and on the DAY of the deadline, you are just starting to discuss a BABYSITTER?!?!?!?
Seriously. People have no manners anymore!!! What is the deal? It was addressed for you! And Stamped! All you had to do was write your name and a little check mark!! A kindergartner could do it!
We're turning our moms loose on Sunday to start making calls.

BEWARE.

What You Learn

I am learning a lot about the people in my life, my friends, my family, during this wedding time. For example, Sailor Mouth? Is turning my world upside down with her issues. First there was the bad blood with the dress shop lady. Then the issue with the dress being tight. Then we moved on to her shoe choices. And now? Now I'm finding that she has a metal allergy or something, but only in her ears. This means my plan for all the girls to have matching jewelry sets? Kinda out the window. Why? Because I prefer white gold and silver, but she can only wear YELLOW gold. One simple little e-mail question has turned into a bit of a jewelry war. I'm also finding I'm way more demanding and WAY less easy going than I had thought of myself.

To All BM's:
"Does everyone have pierced ears?"

Sailor Mouth: "I do, I can wear my grandmothers diamonds if you want me too." (um, I'm not even wearing diamonds that day, well besides the studs that never come out of my ears. maybe grandma's are just studs too, but of course my imagination went wild.)

Me: "I'll be purchasing all of you something, I just wanted to make sure everyone could wear them." (conformity is apparently extremely important to me.)

Sailor Mouth: "yea but i have really weird ears and they can only take a certain kind of material. Had a bad experience once and almost had to have the earrings cut out. I have plain gold hoops if that works." (seriously, can I not catch a break here? my accent color is silver/white gold.) (i don't know when i decided on an accent color either, so back off.)

Me: "You have a metal allergy? Clear nail polish works, creates a barrier between your skin and the metal. Do you have silver or white gold? That is the color I'm going for. Does this mean you can't wear a necklace either?" (see? i'm giving her options.)

Sailor Mouth: "I can wear a necklace just fine. Its just something with my ears. They are just gold no white gold. I still haven't even decided what to do with my hair that day so you may not even see my ears."

Me: "I will buy you a set anyway. We can test the clear nail polish thing out on Wednesday night and the SECOND they start to bother you, we'll take them out. You can pass them onto your daughter if they bother you.
Do you want me to make an appoint for you at the stylist after all?" (ok, so I am a total bitch who will not be happy until her best friend's ears swell up and explode just so everyone can wear the same damned earrings.)

Ok so the guilt just set in as I was writing this post so I just sent her this e-mail:

Me: "Or you can just wear the necklace, I don't want your ears exploding or something."

A Lesson For All

I got a slightly concerned called from The Tenant. (BTW, he DID paint the door black. And I hate to admit it, but it looks kinda cool.)

"DH, this is Tenant."
"Oh, hey Tenant, what's up?"
"My son just called me, there's 3-4 inches of water in the basement. I'm heading home now, I think the hot water heater let go."
"OMG. I'll come over.'
"Nah, don't worry about, I'll call you around noon to let you know how things are, I don't want you missing work."
"Ok, that's fine, keep me posted."

30mins later.......

"DH, it's Tenant again. It's not the water heater! This is sewage back up! It's black and nasty and it SMELLS. All my stuff is ruined!!!"

"OMG!!!!!!!!!!!"

"I know! What should I do!!!!???? All my stuff is ruined!!!!!"

"Um, call the City and see if there's anything they can do. Maybe a pipe let go."

"Do you want me to call Roto Rooter? God, all my stuff is ruined!!!"

"Oh yeah, that sounds like a good idea."

"I can't afford them. All my stuff is trashed!"

"Ok, you call the city I'll call Roto Rooter. I am so sorry Tenant! Thank god your kid was home!"

"Yeah, no kidding, but still all my stuff....."

By this point, yours truly was having a panic attack and meltdown. I called F. "SERIOUS ISSUE Call me IMMEDIATELY!!!!

Long story short, some IDIOT flushed a DOZEN latex gloves down the toilet which combined with tree roots, blocked the sewage pipes and caused the waste water to flood back up into the basement. In case you missed that, DO NOT FLUSH LATEX DOWN THE TOILET!!!!

$300 dollars later, the pipes are clear and F and I left the Tenant with our carpet cleaner to clean the carpeted stairs and his area rug with the advice to use bleach and disinfectant to clean the floors, walls and his stuff. And his feet! He was down there in flip flops!!!

Stress anyone!?!?! I have plenty to share.

And I kinda feel bad, because being new to this whole land lord thing, I don't know what is expected of me. Should I have stayed and helped clean up? (if the roles were reversed I would have been screaming for that) Or even paid someone to do it? We did spend all day there with him. Even bought pizza. I just don't know. What are the rules? Guidelines?

I never wanted to be a landlord!

A Modest Woman’s Anger

My mother raised me to be modest. And for the majority of my life I have lived as such. I’m not saying I haven’t hefted up the girls and pulled down the shirt in a meek attempt to score a free adult beverage (didn’t always work.) but I never over do it. And I know there are certain times and places for certain outfits.
I have told you in the past that I am not a girlie girl. I don’t do lace and poof. However, I was over come with an urge, a deep seeded (seated?) need to wear a dress for my wedding shower. I wanted to be all woman. All feminine. And so my hunt began. When a week before said shower the fabulous red dress arrived I knew immediately that it would require a slip.

(i'm thinking of getting it in navy too, what say you?)

And not just a half slip, but a FULL slip, or else everyone would have been able to trace the lace pattern of my bra through the fabric. I went to my normal stomping grounds, Lane Bryant: “We don’t carry slips.” Sorry? You make dresses and skirts that REQUIRE a slip, and yet you don’t carry even plain old half slips??? All they had was “shape wear.” Don’t get me wrong, I could use some serious shape wear, but that wasn’t what I was in need of. “Try Khol’s.” she told me.
Khol’s? Had an entire section of slips! YAY KHOL’S! You champion of decency! However, you were severally lacking in the “Plus Size” selection. I bought one though, a full slip that also happens to be reversible, cool. And just wish it was a size larger for a bit less cling and a bit more swing. The section of “shape wear”? Blew the slip section out of the water! Did you know there is “shape wear” out there that will slim your upper arms?!?!?!? Nor did I!!! I was going to try it on, but was afraid I’d get stuck in it and then security would be called in and they’d have to cut me out of it and all kinds and levels of embarrassment would ensue.
Determined that there was a plus sized full slip out there to be had I went to the store of every girl’s first bra buying experience, JC Penney’s. JC Penney’s throughout my life has been known as THE PLACE to go for modest under garments of all types and manner. That no longer holds true. They had plenty of bras and panties, modest and sexy, but not a slip, NOT A SLIP to be had. Frazzled I approached the clerk; “Do you have any full slips?”
“I’m sorry we don’t carry them anymore. You can’t find one, can you?”
“no. I don’t mind the shape wear, you know, I could use a little shaping, but that’s not what I need right now.”
“I know, no one seems to make anything other than shape wear now.”
“Thanks.”
“Try Khol’s.”
Oh I tried Khol’s, 5 of them. 3 JC Penney’s, and 2 Sears.
My sweet amazing F, seeing me near tears over this whole experience, spent his lunch hour in JC Penney’s, Macy’s, Von Maur and Sears, searching for a slip for me. He came up with nothing as well.
So on Saturday, the DAY BEFORE my shower, F drove with me for an hour to the Playtex outlet, and some other name brand underwear outlet. Nothing!!!!!

One clerk told me “We get request for those 3 to 4 times a day, but we don’t carry them.” You have no idea how hard it was for me to not use the F word at this stupid woman. I had all I could do to not scream at her “Are you FUCKING kidding me???? You get 3 to 4 requests for them A DAY and you don’t FUCKING CARRY THEM?? Have you EVER heard of SUPPLY AND DEMAND?!?!?!!?”
Ahem, excuse me, but by this point I had been to like 12 stores, not counting the ones F had gone to and was near tears. (yet again, I know, annoying.)
Defeated we headed home.
Sunday, I wore the slightly too tight slip and it worked out well.
The other night, F shows me his mail, a magazine from “Woman Within” and low and behold, A FULL SLIP! In PLUS SIZE!
A full week LATE, but I’m still ordering it! I still have the rehearsal to get through!
Bless you F for flipping through the woman’s clothing magazine and telling me, “This is better than a Victoria Secret catalog! But you’ll have to order it; I’m not talking to those women again!”

I have placed the order, via the net. And don't think I didn't look online to begin with, because I DID! But I was working under a serious deadline here people, and I knew anything I found wouldn't make it here in a week. This time however, we have 3 weeks to work with, plenty of time!

Hair Emergency!!!!!

I NNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDD You my digital friends!!! I have "dark blond" hair that I have been dying myself for quite sometime now. And without fail the "dark blond" turns RED, or BRONZE, or RUST colored after several colorings. At one point I had a FABU stylist who was able to correct this by applying something that was green to my hair that KILLED the red. However, due to his unreliability (he'd been at 3 different shops in one year and failed to tell me of the move at least once) and the fact that he coughed his bronchitis on me for an hour while doing my hair, we had to break up. Not an easy task, because he was GOOOOD, but not cheap, another factor in our break-up. My new stylist looked at me like my hair WAS green when I told her of the de-reddening green goo that my old stylist had used. "Um, no, I've never heard of that. We'll just have to use more of an "ash" color." And don't get me wrong, it looked pretty good, except there was a tad too much root, but it still was nice. But I need to fix this red issue myself, like, before next weekend. When we have our "engagement" session with our photographer. I don't want flame on red hair, which is what has been showing in recent pictures. And I can't afford to have my hair done now, and then touched up in 3 weeks for the wedding. I just can't.
So, if any of you, my digital friends are hair dressers/stylists, or KNOW a hair dresser/stylist that has an answer as to where and or what the green goo is, PLEASE tell me!!!!! I beg of you! Now is NOT the time to be a lurker!!! Speak out! SAVE MY HAIR!

Thank you in advance for your assistance.

What I Got For My Bridal Shower......

Was a lovely matching trio of ZITS. Oh yes, the type of gift you can not return. The type of gift you NEVER ask for. The type of gift you can't fake smile that you were happy to get.
In a midnight trip to the bathroom I rubbed my nose and felt a bump. I immediately slammed on the light to better examine it. Oh yes, there it was in all it's glory. So I applied the appropriate medication and stumbled back into bed.
The next morning, THE morning of my Bridal Shower I received the other two gifts to match the first one. The first still glared at me from my nose. The second snicker down at me from next to my right eyebrow and the third laughed up at me from my chin. I exfoliated in the shower, applied several layers of different types of zit zapping medicine but they reminded! Shrinking, perhaps, but visible still! Make-up hide nothing! HORRORS of horrors I tell you! Is this a glimpse of the doom to come on Oct 24th?? Will they return and bring re-enforcements? Sweet goodness what can I do to prevent such another delivery?
Return to Sender I say, RETURN TO SENDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Give Up

Sailor Mouth called.

SM: " Can I wear boots?"

Me: "Uh, you don't mean combat boots do you?"

SM: "NO! I won't bring those." (but she HAS some.)

Me: "Well, I guess since your dress is long enough, it doesn't matter."

SM: "Ok, good. The last time I smashed my foot I was in a wedding and I had to wear wide toed boots that came up to my knees. And the dress was short."

Me: "Oh my, haahahaha. I'd love to see those pictures." (sweet jesus, knee high boots? the dress is long the dress is long thedressislong.)

SM: " Yeah, those people at that wedding they were just happy I was there, and able to walk down the aisle." (anyone else detect a bit of a jab there? no? yes? hmmm?)

Me: "Right."

SM: "Well, good I just wanted to check on you and see if that was ok."

Me: "Yes, that's fine. As long as you can walk down the aisle and aren't tripping we're cool."

SM: "Oh yes! I'll be there! And I'll be WALKING down that aisle."

Me: " Ok, good!"

I think I know what boots she's referring to. They are knee high pirate boots. For a costume. I believe I've seen the picture.
Or are they for her Renaissance Festival costume? I'm not sure.

The dress is floor length. It is not a problem.

IT IS NOT A PROBLEM.

Arrival Time Overload

Awhile ago I booked flights for MIL, FIL and Uncle. They arrive at 8 am two days before the wedding. Fine. I would stay home and make breakfast(and medicate) while F went and collected them all.
Now? Now F has booked flights for W(yes, he's coming again, but we're still a month out so that could change.) and T and their 2 kids. All. On. The. Same. Flight.
Oh, and he wants his two best men, M and L and L's fiancee' (LT) on the same flight as well.
So let's do some math shall we?

FIL+MIL+UNCLE+W+T+C+J+M+L+LT=10 arriving @ 8 am
+
A hotel check-in time of 3pm

=
ME having a mental and emotional breakdown and crying myself to sleep under the stairs in the basement.

F said we'd all go out to breakfast, I said I'd make it for everyone.

Seriously, I apparently love stabbing myself in the eye with a dull lead pencil.

I begged F to PLEASE call the hotel and get everyone an extra early check in time!! 12 people, 2 bathrooms.
One stressed out Bride.

MOMMA!

My Good Deed

Many times while in public I have noticed various people with their flys' undone. The barn door wide open. I don't go looking for these things. I am not some pervy crotch looker. I just happen to notice. And I always wonder if I should say something to the person. Like when we were at an air show and Grandpa in the wheel chair was flashing the color of his knickers for all to see. He was surrounded by like 5 family members and yet there the poor old guy was, exposed for the world to see. I said nothing and felt extremely bad about it.
So while in the grocery store with F the other night I noticed a woman with her pants unzipped. And my quandary began. Do I say something to her? How awkward will it be? Will she or her very large male companion cut me for being a crotch pervert?
I took a chance.
As I glided past her I touched her on the shoulder and whispered in her ear, "Your zipper is down." She was at first shocked that a complete stranger touched her, and then I could see the horror cross her face as she heard my words.
"Thanks!" she gasped.
As we passed each other again in the aisle we smiled at each other.
My heart gladdened by the experience, I have decided to become a Public Servant of Modesty and Decency. And I ask you, my digital friends to join me in the fight! See a zipper down? Exclaim to the clueless person "X.Y.Z., P.D.Q.!!!" (examine your zipper, pretty damned quick!)
See a button hole without a button and a boob that is pressing to see the light of day? Tell the person, well, I'm not sure, I have no snappy shorthand for that example. But tell them! Just think how you would feel if several hundred people walked by you and say that you were wearing Tuesday knickers on a Wednesday and didn't bother to point it out to you!
Be a Public Servant my friends! And help someone recover their dignity!!!

Clear is IN

Second Eldest sister and SE-B-I-L (her soon to be husband)both saw the dress and the clear shoes on together and they couldn't understand what my issue was.
SE: "We couldn't even tell they were clear. So you can stop worrying."

Me: "Um, ok, if you say so."

SE: "SE-B-I-L said he's going to wear a wife beater with ripped jeans and flip-flops with socks."

Me: " omg."

So yeah, mom is wearing clear heels to my wedding.
I'm letting it go.
Really, I am.
I swear.

So Wrong

Several months ago I forced F to go to a job fair. He's constantly complaining about his job and wanting to get out of his job. So when I heard that a big company that was still in his field but not in the same area of the field, (i'm sorry if that makes no sense) was coming to town, I told him he HAD to go.
And he did, grudgingly. VERY grudgingly.
We didn't hear back until recently that he didn't get it.
Via Post Card.
Ah, yeah, they sent him a rejection POST CARD. Not a letter, not even an e-mail, but a POST CARD.
I wasn't looking for a phone call, but at least a letter or a e-mail.
A POST CARD is just LAME.
I guess it was better than a post-it-note, right?

It's Never Ending!

My friend in England finally got her dress. Here's what she just told me via chat:

A: my dress arrived today

Me: and??????

A: well I had to pay customs £56

Me: HOLY SHIT
why did you have to pay them?

A: because you insured it for $250. So they see it as me importing a dress from the USA that's worth a lot. So they charge import tax and VAT

Me: OMG, I had no idea, I insured everyone's dress

A: The good thing is that I called customs and explained what was happening and the very nice man on the other end of the phone said that I can call him back two weeks before we leave, and I can export the dress back to the states! They will refund my money at the airport before we take off. I just have to take all the stickers off the box and this form he will send, and I should be ok
You sent in on Sat. August 30 and it arrived on September 8. So not long to get here.

Me: it sat in customs for 3 days?

A: On the other side the dress is long enough, the bottom fits, but the bust is too small

Me: everyone is having issue with the boobs being smashed

A: it's ok. He was so nice and reassuring on the phone, it made it all better.
I can't even get it over my boobs

Me:OMG, that's not good
Is there enough room to let it out?

A: I'm gonna have B start picking it apart. Let's hope a crash diet works.

Me: You need to get a minimizer bra! No Vicki's push up for you!
Otherwise you'll have to go topless

A: HAHA! Topless sounds good

Me: F wouldn't mind at all! lol

A:HAHA

So yeah, cost her a ton of money and her boobs are too big for the dress. Why is this so difficult? Why are these dresses such a thorn in my side?
Why didn't we go to Vegas?

Eye for an Eye

I don't consider myself a violent person. But when I read stories like this? Especially when children and BABIES are involved? I'm all for an eye for an eye type of justice. Make them drink the tainted milk that they sold to the masses. Freaking pisses me off!!! What kind of person does something like that?
Seriously, makes me all for the death penalty. Why pay to feed and cloth someone who endangered and killed BABIES, for the rest of their pathetic lives? I know,we are suppose to be better than they are. I get it. I just don't see how jail is really any justice for someone like that, I just don't.
* stepping off soap box*

I'm "Over reacting"

That's what Second Eldest said when I called her about the clear shoes. She told me I "can't control what everyone is wearing." That "No one will notice mom's feet." That I'm "being ridiculous" and that she "....Can't believe you would say some one's shoes are inappropriate for their age!" And "Mom was really excited about those shoes." (which of course made me feel like crap.)
Seriously, does she not know me at all? All my friends at work agreed with me, clear heels on a grandma, not cool. So SE is having mom bring her dress and said offending shoes when she goes to visit so SE can see for herself.

I know, they look ok in the picture:













They are even starting to grow on me.
But on? On a 68 yr old woman? Not so much.
Am I over reacting? Have I really turned the corner and become a Bridezilla? Am I really making too much out of clear heels?
Chris Rock says no.

All in the Family

The family that tokes together sits in jail together.
Way to go Dad O'Neal! You've done raised a right chip off the ole' block!
I'm gettin misty.

No, Seriously.

My mom. My dear, loving, sweet 68 yr old mother. Has gotten her shoes for the wedding. She has very narrow feet, so finding narrow shoes has always been a challenge. So when she told me she found some, alas not narrow, I was still happy for her. Until I saw them.

















Yes, that's right, a CLEAR HEEL with a CLEAR toe strap.

She's 68.

They're clear.

She told the woman at the store that I told her she couldn't have any "hoochy" shoes. The shoe lady thought it was funny that my 68 yr old mother knew what "hoochy" was. And yet, she let her walk out of there with these.

Granted, they could be worse. But why couldn't they be any of these that I found online, some of which are even NARROW? Because apparently, my mother, love her to death, doesn't want to PAY for a good pair of shoes. *sigh*

See? These are even similar to what she picked out! But NICER! NONE CLEAR! With a FAT Heel! Just like what she wanted! And they're the SAME brand!















I'm gonna have to sic my sister on her. I just, CLEAR, people, CLEAR HEELS AND TOE STRAP!

Bridal Bag

I know I need to have an "emergency" bag/kit for the day of the wedding, so I am compiling a list of things to put in what I am calling the "Bridal Bag". Below is the list:

1) Anti-Anxiety meds
2) Massive amounts of Ibuprofen( a co-worker told me to take one first thing in the morning before going to get my hair done.)
3) Tums / pepcid
4) Hair spray
5) Make-up
6) spray on deodorant (for sharing)
7) Clear nail polish
8) Safety pins
9) Extra hair pins
10) Baby powder
11) anti-poo pills (jic)

12) Kleenex

So I'm asking, am I missing anything important? What did you former brides wish you'd packed in your "bridal bag"? What have you future brides set aside to pack in your "bridal bag" or what have people told you to make sure you have?

Anything I won't need?

The Bling is BACK-UPDATE

F called me, my ring, wait, my RINGS are here!!!!! YAY!!!!! The band apparently has 17 uber small round diamonds in it. Round, when my engagement ring sports Princess cut ones. I'm a tad apprehensive about how the band will look. I wanted Princess cut diamonds in a channel setting :

But we could not afford that, it would have been like a thousand dollars. So I got round instead, and I'm nervous how they'll look together.

But I can't wait to have my engagement ring back!!!!!!!!!!!

Update:

This is similar to what my band looks like. It is fine and delicate. Which makes it look small and fragile next to the my engagement ring which the jeweler re-did with a wider, thicker band. Which I did not ask for. I am confused.

F said we could upgrade later.

He DOES pay attention!!

Taking a cue from Each and her post about a meme(can someone please explain why it's a "meme" to me please?????) where your man fills it out about you and you about him, I immediately copied it and sent it to F. He did AMAZINGLY well, aced it in fact. It made me all mushy and misty. I found me a good one ya all, I really did. Love ya F!!!!

Answer these about me:
1. She’s sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen? 24, bones, my name is earl, ugly betty, gray's anatomy, ER, desperate house wives (thursdays are off limit on the TV at our house) (you got THAT right buddy!!!)

2. You’re out to eat; what kind of dressing does She get on her salad? ranch(the creamier the better, unless I get a Cesar salad, then it's Cesar dressing)

3. What’s one food she doesn’t like? FISH (also banana, apple, peach, nectarine, plums, watermelons, a full orange, tomato, cucumbers, broccoli, lam... oh damnit the list is tooooo big)...(wise ass, I do like fruit!)

4. You go out to the bar. What does she order? margarita. (or a long island)

5. Where did she go to high school? [redacted] (but he did get it right, duh)

6. What size shoe does she wear? 9
7. If she was to collect anything, what would it be? shot glasses(i have an extensive collection, now to just display them!)

8. What is her favorite type of sandwich? roast beef with ketchup (ewwww)

9. What would this person eat every day if she could? butter (it's a family thing)

10. What is her favorite cereal? cheerios ( i love the ones with the yogurt!)

11. What would she never wear? low cut shirts and short shorts

12. What is her favorite sports team? I don't think she has one but maybe the "home state team" (go Yankees)

14. Who is her best friend? some crazy women that now lives in [redacted](can't wait to get my hands on her...)... she also is my BF(F) (he's dying to met CBF and Sailor Mouth)

15. What is something you do that she wishes you wouldn’t do? stink the place up(he made the mistake of telling me it was ok to fart in front of him, a la carrie bradshaw)

16. How many states has she lived in? ONE
17. What is her heritage? pollock, crout, and drunk (gotta love his humour)

18. You bake her a cake for her birthday; what kind of cake? chocolate

19. Did she play sports in high school? volleyball and softball

20. What could she spend hours doing? sleeping, reading, watching crap on TV...(ah TV he doth not love thee as doith I)

Puzzled

The woman who designed our "Signature item" and when she got our invite said it looked "good"? Yes her. Declined our invitation. I checked the work related vacation calendar, she is not off. So she's just not coming? I'm puzzled. I'm perplexed. Why? She is very religious from what I am told, but we are having a Church wedding, a full on Catholic MASS for crying out loud! She went to a wedding that was non-religious. Maybe she hates Catholics, I don't know.
I am mystified as to why she would decline. I just assumed she'd come, see her handy work in action, but no.
Can you ask? Can you ask someone why they aren't coming to your wedding?
She's not done with all our stuff yet, my fault mostly, but wouldn't asking her make things, well, weird after that?
Color me baffled.

A Moment with Bridezilla

Sailor Mouth. She has been a friend for many years. She makes me laugh. Yet recently, she's making me crazy. The whole fight with the dress shop lady. Wanting to wear tennis shoes under her bridesmaids' dress. And now, telling me she's going to wear jeans and a t-shirt to the rehearsal events. And she tells me this through e-mail:

Me: "I just ordered like $300 worth of dresses to try on for the shower. God, I hope I find at least 2 so I won't have to do this again for the rehearsal!!!" (i'm having serious issues finding a dress for my shower. There'll be no "pick my party dress" ah la sweet miss molly on this blog.)

SM: "what the hell are you doing that for? put on some jeans and a t-shirt. because i won't be super dressed up. sorry traveling, clothes watching how much we pack so we don't pay for all of it" (can you really over pack for a 2 day trip? really?)

Me: "OMG, not jeans! Jeans weigh more than a dress anyway! Slacks at least? Are you and my mother conspiring against me? Do you WANT me to have a meltdown?????????
I want to look pretty damn it! "
(my mother, the dear lady of the era where nylons where worn with EVERYTHING also believes that jeans are ok and in fact wants to wear one of her denim dresses to said rehearsal events. killing. me.)

SM: "um and jeans yes, the only dress pants i own are khaki color and I am sorry but I am on vacation, not at work. besides no one cares what i look like."

Apparently she is missing my freak out above, which clearly indicates that I, in fact, do care what she looks like.
Minor, I know, not even an issue at all when we are looking at W not even attending. I get it. But what you would wear to go shop at Walmart's is NOT acceptable pre-wedding event wear. It's just not.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd END Bridezilla Moment.

On another note, I'm desperate for Bride's Maid gift ideas, HELP DIGITAL FRIENDS, PLEASE HELP ME.

AMEN!!! THANK THE LORD!!!!

E-mail from Second Eldest:

Well, I took a wet cloth to my dress and the stains pretty much came out. There is still one I have to work on more (the largest), but it is slowly disappearing. I didn't want to
oversaturate the thing. All is well.

THANK YOU JESUS!!!! BLESS YOU MOTHER MARY!!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!!!

basically, *phew*

I Know It's Suppose to be Funny

I'm trying to tie up all loose ends as the days count down. Making all the last minute appointments with all our vendors. I called our fabulous photographer and set up our "engagement" session as well as our photo check-list session, it's a all in one appointment. So I e-mailed F about it so he couldn't say I didn't tell him. What follows is our e-mail exchange:

Me: "We have our meeting with our photographer on Oct 4th. We’ll also be doing our engagement session that day so start picking out your outfit now!!!!!!!!!! "

F: "cowboy hat, pink converse all star, blue jeans with holes in the knees and a big bright yellow or green shirt... "

Me: "Um, NO. "

F:"unshaven face for 3 weeks, overalls, wife beater shirt, straw hat and muddy boots... "

Me: "Again, NO. "

F: "white shirt with under arm stains and a pink tie, gray pants that are so tight I think I was hip from the 70's and wing tip shoes "

Me: "Have your cube mate take you out back and shoot you for me please."

F: "she is off for a week... one more suggestion... it will include the best men... we all dress up like mo, larry and curly and chase you around... "

Me: "E will step up then, I’m sure. I’ll be Annie Oakley then, and shot you all in the ass."

F: "E is back from vacation and she is not in the mood to take me out and shoot me... therefore you must deal with me... I am lost for ideas then, I think I will go in my knickers" (as i was relaying this story to a co-worker she giggled and said "like he even OWNS a pair of knickers" i explained to her that knickers = underwear. "oh.")

Me: "You sayin she’s too happy? HA."

F: "something like that"

Me: "Whatever, have C do it then! "

F: "nope... so sad... too bad... I got a great idea... I dress like a shaq and you dress with a barqua (sp?)... it would be a great Halloween spook... " ( and give my entire family a heart attack, his too most likely.)

Me: "Please go out and play in traffic. "

F: "only if you come with me... "

Me: "That would defeat the purpose. "


And people wonder why I need to be medicated.

Re-do

I've decided to change my wedding dress.

From this:

To This:

What do you think? With these shoes?

Steam

I know my entry the other day was rather harsh. Lots of swearing. I really just needed to vent and since I couldn't even dream of picking up the phone and letting loose at the person in question, I knew you all, my digital friends, wouldn't be running back to F or threatening to be miserable during the wedding or threaten that you're not to coming to the wedding (which, um, in case you were waiting for your pearl lined envelope to arrive in the mail, ah, it's not going to.) so I told you how I felt. I just think that was one of the lowest things his brother could have done and as you can tell it really got my blood up as my mom would say. So I apologize if any one was offended. We (ok, I) still have not heard if W has changed his story or not. F and I are moving forward with everything as though the call never happened.
I'm hoping the guilt of what he has done is eating away at his rotten heart and keeping him up at night.
I didn't say I wasn't still angry.
I know it's said we have to turn the other cheek, I just don't remember reading a time line for when, exactly, that had to happen.
Splitting hairs, I know.

Dress Reports

I mailed out the Bride's Maids' dresses a few days ago, and I am starting to hear back from my gals.



CBF: "I tired it on, and I was surprised that it fit-- but it was a really tight fit putting it on. Then after some seriously comic attempts at getting it off... I realized that I had the zipper only half way down. Makes it a lot easier to get it on and off if you actually have the zipper, ya know, down.

I did try it on with my shoes, and I must say, it looks uber cute. I heart shoes! And pretty dresses-- it's such a pretty color. "



Sailor Mouth: "Well I got the dress. Can get it on, can zip it until it hits my back. Fine at hips, stomach, but it hits right above there and under boobs there's an issue. It will zip. Kind of tight. Can't breath too well, might pass out, but its on.

Going to gym later to work on that issue."

I delivered Eldest Sister's dress to her and she immediately tried it on. It was tight under her boobs too. I zipped her up, as this is our exchange:

ES:"Oh, tell me you aren't doing what I think you are doing." (i was yanking her dress together in the back in order to zip it.)
Me: "I am."
ES: "Oh no."
Me: "Oh Yes. DANG! I don't know if this is going to work."
ES: "It has to. I guess I put on some weight recently."
Me: "Ok, I'm not trying to grab your ass or anything, but I have to hold the dress taut."
ES: "You can get it."
Me: "CRAP! OK, how's that?"
ES: " I can't breath, not really anyway."
Me: "WOW, it looks awesome!"

As for Second Eldest? She tried it on later in the day and called me with an update:

SE: "I tired my dress on."
Me: "And?"
SE: " I'll have to lose 35 lbs before the wedding, but I got it on." ( mind you, she's a size 6)
Me: "It's tight? Under the boobs?"
SE: "Yes, exactly."
Me: "Same thing with everyone else so far, it must be how the dress is made."
SE: "That's stupid. They had our measurements."
Me: " I agree."
SE: "The other thing is............."
Me: "oh, what?"
SE: "There are spots on it."
Me: "are you serious?" (you have no idea how much I was hoping she was yankin my chain, she was not.)
SE: "I'm serious."
Me: "Oh god. What is it?"
SE: "I don't know. It looks like grease."
Me: "I only had it out of the bag like once, on the couch, I don't know how that could have happened."
SE: "I'm not saying you did it, I'm just telling you it's there."
Me: "I know. How bad is it?"
SE: "The biggest one is the size of a half dollar."
Me: "oh god."
SE: " I thought I'd call ya and see what you thought."
Me: " I don't know."
SE: " I'll call the place tomorrow and see what she says."
Me: " I can tell you, she won't be helpful."
SE: " I know, she was kind of rude to begin with."
Me: " Maybe get it dry cleaned?"
SE: "No, that might make it worse, at least until I know what it is."
Me: "I doubt there's time to re-order."
SE: " I'll call and see what she says."
Me: " Ok, man that really sucks."
SE: "I know."

I haven't heard yet. Say a pray for me people that SE's dress is fixable. PLEASE LORD.

Grow The Fuck Up, Please.

I came home to find F, slumped on the couch, staring blankly at the TV.

Me: “What’s wrong?”
F: “nothing.”
Me: “Uh, I’m not buying it.”
F: *heavy sigh* “I just talked to my brother. He’s not coming to the wedding.”
Me: “What? Why?”
F: *mumbling* I’m not sure. Something happened with mom and dad, some fight so now he’s not coming to the wedding.”
Me: “Oh lord F.” as I kiss him on the head.
F: “I’m gonna let him cool down and call him again and see what is going on.”

So W? Here’s an open letter to you. Everything I would love to call and tell you, but know I can not.
GROW THE FUCK UP you self centered DICKLESS WONDER!
Telling your brother you are not attending his wedding is complete bullshit. I’m sorry you had a fight with your parents, but what in HELL does that have to do with our wedding? You aren’t just attending; you are A GROOM’S MAN!!!
Think you can’t stand to be in the same room with your parents? Go stand on the other side. Ignore them out right. I don’t care! I in fact would have absolutely no problem at all with not having you at the wedding at all. I know the stress level would be so much lower. Especially since we wouldn’t have to worry about you and your wife having a screaming match in the middle of the reception. But F? You are KILLING F. He his CRUSHED that his very own brother is purposely not attending his wedding. You think F will call and mediate between all of you? He probably will, but only if I don’t have anything to say about it. Which I KNOW is why you called and told him this, so he would step in and “handle” it. All of you need to grow up! You all need counseling. How could you treat F this way? How could you do this to him? Why can’t you man up and deal with whatever this and not threaten to not attend? F is so sad. So hurt. So STRESSED because of you. Do you have ANY FUCKING IDEA what you are doing to him? He’s even buying your freaking airline ticket! I so want to bash your stupid ignorant head in. You are such a fucking dick.
Also?
Stop cheating on your wife (allegedly).
Stop screaming, yelling and fighting with her during every holiday dinner. You are setting a horrid example for your sons.
Stop pouting. You are 36 years old and you pout better than your 7 year old son.
You are not a “hommie” stop “frontin”.
If you hate being married that much, get an actual divorce instead of threatening to.
Threatening to do things seems to be your M.O. So man up and FOLLOW THROUGH and actually FINISH something for fuck’s sake.
You disgust me.
And FIL? Since I’m almost positive you are at the center of this, shut your mouth. Keep all your mean hateful words to yourself. You are never going to get into Heaven at this rate. You take joy in making others miserable and feel like crap about themselves, and that is just plain sick and demented.
MIL? Tell FIL to shut his evil childish mouth and mind his own damn business.

Thank You for Your Time.

Who's Addicted to What?

This story? About an elephant addicted to heroin? Is just sad. In so many ways. Really? I mean, REALLY???? How much heroin would it take to keep an elephant under control? The people that got him addicted, how do you even begin to punish that? How do you know an elephant is going through withdrawal? Was he paranoid? Did he see pink elephants? How did they know?And they spent a year rehabbing him!
Do you think he'll relapse?

Are You Sure You're A Boy?

F? I love him, I do. But sometimes I wonder if I'm the only girl in our relationship. He didn't want to go shopping for our registry, which is fine, because I don't think he would have lasted the 5 hours. However, now that he knows we are starting to get stuff? He's addicted to checking it. I can't even tell you how many times over the weekend he asked me if we'd gotten anything new.
"I haven't checked."
"Why not??"
"I don't think about it."
"Go check."
I could see the wild in his eyes when the sites kept crashing....
"TRY THE OTHER ONE!"
"I already did, it crashed too."
"TRY AGAIN!"
"It's not going to do any good, it kepts crashing."
"LET ME SEE!!!!.................STUPID THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Here is an e-mail he just sent me after I sent him one telling him I added the sandwich maker thingie we saw on an infomerical the other night:

"do you know if any thing has been purchased over the weekend? how do I get into the [redacted] and [redacted] sites? do I need a password? "

So yes, my man? Is kind of a girl.

P.S. I wanted to added these 2 items as well as the sandwhich thingie:

But that would have only added to Eldest Sister's thought that I'm an alkie.

Help Me Feed My Habit

I'd like to address a certain person, or a small group of people.
See that pie chart? That one down there?




















Yes, that 1% of people or person in Australia? I have a favor to ask. When CBF and I were visiting your lovely country a few years ago, right after 9/11 to be exact, we became addicted to some chips, or crisps, I can't remember what you all call them. Anyway, I bought them on a whim and ended up going to the store and hunting them down before we were shipped off to the jungle, where I knew they wouldn't be. Let me tell you, hauling them across country strapped to my carry-on wasn't easy, but I did it by GOD! I DID IT!!! On our video diary all you can hear is us chomping these chips/crisps and passing the bag back and forth. They are CRACK in a chip/crisp I tell you, CRACK!!! So if you could find it in your heart to please send me a pallet of Sea Salt and Balsamic Vinegar Kettle Chips/Crisps, I will love you forever and ever!!! I have scourged the States looking for these chips/crisps. I have tried every brand of vinegar and salt chips and nothing, NOTHING has even come close. I even tried our brand of Kettle Chips/crisps of salt and vinegar but they didn't even come close to the Sea Salt and Balsamic Vinegar chips/crisps we had in Australia.
I could use a hit of that crack chip/crisp right now, with 52 days left until my wedding. So please, my 1% of Australian readers, send me an early wedding present? Let me know again the high that is Sea Salt and Balsamic Vinegar chips/crisps. I beg of you! PLEASE! Be my dealer and help a gal out! I'm jonesin' man, JONESIN'.