Shoulders Back, Chest Out

I was talking to my mother the other night on the phone. She likes to update me on all things that go on in her little snowbird community. I was listening half heartedly when she started ranting about t-shirts. She and her "Gentleman friend" (because "DH, he's NOT a BOY!!"), were at some function where they were selling t-shirts. I'd say it's safe to assume the event t-shirts, like many event t-shirt, were unisex. This in no way was acceptable to my almost 70 yr old mother. She apparently expressed her displeasure to the poor woman volunteer who was manning the shirt sales.


My Mom: "Why don't you sell V-neck shirts for the women?"

Woman Volunteer: "I don't know."

My Mom: "Well you should! Most women (she means her age) don’t like things up around their necks."

Woman Volunteer: "Oh? Is that so?"

My Mom: "YES! Plus women look better in V-necks! It shows off your chest better. I bet you'd sell more if they were V-necks."

Woman Volunteer: "That could be."

Not at all satisfied that she'd convinced the woman, my mom left. She went on to tell me that it was the stupid men who probably ordered the shirts in the first place and hence the total lack of a V-neck choice.

She also told me she'd be shopping for a V-neck sweater/sweatshirt while home. (she came home for the holidays.) Because "Your chest just LOOKS better in a V-neck DH, you know this."

Yes mom, yes I do.

I spit in the wind too bitches!!!

On my drive to work I take roads that are main through fairs. 4 lanes all the way.
My commute takes me through neighborhoods. So you can imagine my shock and surprise when I was stopped at a light and caught movement out of the corner of my eye. (I was not shocked by the movement, even if i was half asleep still.)  I looked and had to do a double take. There was a woman, in PLAIN view of the morning rush hour traffic, letting her dog out while sucking on a cancer stick. No big right? Except all she had on was a jacket. That BARELY covered her ass. No pants, no shoes. It was 37 degrees out. BARE legs and feet. She stared us down. Doing that smokers squint, "Yeah, I'm half naked in my driveway, so what??"
So what indeed.

More Proof My Husband is a 13 yr old Girl

F singing aloud, "GA GA GA GA".

F: "DH, why do women hate Lady Gaga??"

Me: "Um, I don't know.......she's kinda a freak???"

F: "Some people say she's awesome. They also say Michael Jackson is awesome. He's a freak."

Me: "Was."

F: "Was. I think she's good, but I'm not sure she's awesome. GAGAGAGGAAAAAAAAAAA" (which after sampling the tracks is actually suppose to be looove looove looove, i think) he sings as he leaves the room to go shut down the computer before coming to bed.

For the next 20 mins I hear him listening to Lady Gaga on his computer. When he finally comes to bed I am regaled for the next FIFTEEN MINUTES about fun fact of Lady Gaga. Did I know she's only like 23? Did I know that she is not ONLY AMERICAN she's actually a NEW YORKER??? The Bronx or something???

And on and on it goes.

Seriously.

Thirteen. Year. Old. Girl.

I have ESP

How is this for weird?? Someone from my past popped into my head last night. OUT OF THE BLUE. And I wondered to myself, "I wonder how she's doing? What happened with the kid she had in high school??"

And low and behold, this morning, Face Book tells me she wants to be friends!!!!!
I have to say, this isn't the first time something like this has happened to me. It apparently runs in the family. My grandmother would have a very specific dream right before someone was going to die.
I need to harness this power. Take it to a new level. Love it and feed it and make it grow.

'Cause the Lotto ain't gonna win itself.

To MIL's house we go....

It's that time of year again my digital friends. Yes, F and I will be packing up the vehicle and traveling back EAST for 8 days of Out-Law togetherness. I've stocked the posts to keep you company while I'm away. Only time will tell if this visit will stand the test of time and be like all the others, or if a new trend will start with where we left off this summer.
Have a great Holiday my digital friends!  Have a fabulous time ringing in the New Year!! I'll see you in 2010!!!

No Thanks, Thanksgiving

Has anybody else seen this? It is from AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com.  First, with all these dishes that everyone else is bringing, what the hell is this woman making? And second, if I were these people I'd put all my required dishes in Tupperware and dare her to say something. I would LOVE to see a follow up on how this dinner went down. Oh to be a fly on all the many walls involved in this!!!!


The Thanksgiving Letter (back by popular demand)



November 26th, 2009

From: Marney

As you all know a fabulous Thanksgiving Dinner does not make itself. I need to ask each of you to help by bringing something to complete the meal. I truly appreciate your offers to assist with the meal preparation.

Now, while I do have quite a sense of humor and joke around all the time, I COULD NOT BE MORE SERIOUS when I am providing you with your Thanksgiving instructions and orders(who does this woman think she is???). I am very particular, so please perform your task EXACTLY as I have requested and read your portion very carefully. If I ask you to bring your offering in a container that has a lid, bring your offering in a container WITH A LID, NOT ALUMINUM FOIL!(why the foil hate?) If I ask you to bring a serving spoon for your dish, BRING A SERVING SPOON, NOT A SOUP SPOON! (seriously? If they both scoop, what difference does it make? even for an OCDer such as myself this is a bit much)And please do not forget anything.


All food that is to be cooked should already be prepared, bring it hot and ready to serve, warm or room temp. (so, um, you expect to eat the minute people hit the door? i mean how are you going to keep everything HOT??)These are your ONLY THREE options. Anything meant to be served cold should, of course, already be cold.



HJB—Dinner wine (why is this person getting off so easy?)

The Mike Byron Family


1. Turnips in a casserole with a lid and a serving spoon. Please do not fill the casserole all the way up to the top, it gets too messy. I know this may come as a bit of a surprise to you, but most of us hate turnips so don’t feel like you a have to feed an army.(um so why have them?)


2. Two half gallons of ice cream, one must be VANILLA, I don’t care what the other one is. No store brands please. (what??????? dude.)I did see an ad this morning for Hagan Daz Peppermint Bark Ice Cream, yum!! (no pressure here, though).


3. Toppings for the ice cream.


4. A case of bottled water, NOT gallons, any brand is ok.(um, why do you care? water is water. they take home the leftovers.)



The Bob Byron Family


1. Green beans or asparagus (not both) in a casserole with a lid and a serving spoon. If you are making the green beans, please prepare FOUR pounds, if you are making asparagus please prepare FIVE pounds. It is up to you how you wish to prepare them, no soupy sauces, no cheese(didn't she just say it was up to BBF on how to make them?) (you know how Mike is), a light sprinkling of toasted nuts, or pancetta, or some EVOO would be a nice way to jazz them up.


2. A case of beer of your choice (I have Coors Light and Corona) or a bottle of clos du bois chardonnay (you will have to let me know which you will bring prior to 11/22). (again,why does it matter?)



The Lisa Byron Chesterford Family


1. Lisa as a married woman you are now required to contribute at the adult level.(wow, sounds like someone is bitter about lisa not carrying her fair share in th past.) You can bring an hors d’ouvres. A few helpful hints/suggestions. Keep it very light, and non-filling, NO COCKTAIL SAUCE, no beans of any kind. I think your best bet would be a platter of fresh veggies and dip. Not a huge platter mind you (i.e., not the plastic platter from the supermarket).(they do make small ones ya know)


The Michelle Bobble Family


1. Stuffing in a casserole with a serving spoon. Please make the stuffing sans meat.


2. 2.5-3 qts. of mashed squash in a casserole with a lid and serving spoon


3. Proscuitto pin wheel – please stick to the recipe, no need to bring a plate.


4. A pie knife(why is the person who is not bringing a pie, bringing the pie knife???)



The June Davis Family


1. 15 LBS of mashed potatoes in a casserole with a serving spoon. Please do not use the over-size blue serving dish you used last year. Because you are making such a large batch you can do one of two things: put half the mash in a regulation size (which would be what exactly?)casserole with lid and put the other half in a plastic container (this breaks the no plastic rule!!)and we can just replenish with that or use two regulation size casserole dishes with lids. Only one serving spoon is needed.


2. A bottle of clos du bois chardonnay


The Amy Misto Family (why do I even bother she will never read this)


1. A pumpkin pie in a pie dish (please use my silver palate recipe)(how do you know everyone likes that recipe???) no knife needed.


2. An apple pie in a pie dish, you can use your own recipe, no knife needed.


Looking forward to the 28th!!

Marney






(kindly submitted by Kara at http://californiakara.blogspot.com)

The Blame Game, Governmet Style

You know, I try not to get too political on my Blog, but my totally anti-government Aunt sent me this, and although is it a bit too "the public's not to blame"  it does have some good points, plus a kicky little rhyme at the end.


Basically, it says we need to sign Congress up for that TV show, The Bank of Mom and Dad.



545 vs. 300,000,000


545 PEOPLE


By Charlie Reese

Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.
Have you ever wondered, if both the Democrats and the Republicans are against deficits, WHY do we have deficits?

Have you ever wondered, if all the politicians are against inflation and high taxes, WHY do we have inflation and high taxes?
You and I don't propose a federal budget. The president does.
You and I don't have the Constitutional authority to vote on appropriations. The House of Representatives does.
You and I don't write the tax code, Congress does.
You and I don't set fiscal policy, Congress does.
You and I don't control monetary policy, the Federal Reserve Bank does.

One hundred senators, 435 congressmen, one president, and nine Supreme Court justices equates to 545 human beings out of the 300 million are directly, legally, morally, and individually responsible for the domestic problems that plague this country.
I excluded the members of the Federal Reserve Board because that problem was created by the Congress. In 1913, Congress delegated its Constitutional duty to provide a sound currency to a federally chartered, but private, central bank.
I excluded all the special interests and lobbyists for a sound reason. They have no legal authority. They have no ability to coerce a senator, a congressman, or a president to do one cotton-picking thing. I don't care if they offer a politician $1 million dollars in cash. The politician has the power to accept or reject it. No matter what the lobbyist promises, it is the legislator's responsibility to determine how he votes.
Those 545 human beings spend much of their energy convincing you that what they did is not their fault. They cooperate in this common con regardless of party.
What separates a politician from a normal human being is an excessive amount of gall.

No normal human being would have the gall of a Speaker, who stood up and criticized the President for creating deficits. The president can only propose a budget. He cannot force the Congress to accept it.


The Constitution, which is the supreme law of the land, gives sole responsibility to the House of Representatives for originating and approving appropriations and taxes. Who is the speaker of the House? Nancy Pelosi. She is the leader of the majority party. She and fellow House members, not the president, can approve any budget they want. If the president vetoes it, they can pass it over his veto if they agree to.

It seems inconceivable to me that a nation of 300 million can not replace 545 people who stand convicted -- by present facts -- of incompetence and irresponsibility. I can't think of a single domestic problem that is not traceable directly to those 545 people. When you fully grasp the plain truth that 545 people exercise the power of the federal government, then it must follow that what exists is what they want to exist.
If the tax code is unfair, it's because they want it unfair.
If the budget is in the red, it's because they want it in the red.
If the Army & Marines are in IRAQ , it's because they want them in IRAQ
If they do not receive social security but are on an elite retirement plan not available to the people, it's because they want it that way.
There are no insoluble government problems.

Do not let these 545 people shift the blame to bureaucrats, whom they hire and whose jobs they can abolish; to lobbyists, whose gifts and advice they can reject; to regulators, to whom they give the power to regulate and from whom they can take this power. Above all, do not let them con you into the belief that there exists disembodied mystical forces like "the economy," "inflation," or "politics" that prevent them from doing what they take an oath to do.
Those 545 people and they alone, are responsible.
They and they alone, have the power.
They and they alone, should be held accountable by the people who are their bosses..

Provided the voters have the gumption to manage their own employees.
We should vote all of them out of office and clean up their mess!

Charlie Reese is a former columnist of the Orlando Sentinel Newspaper.


Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.
Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.
Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.
Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries
Tax his tears.
Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass.
Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.
Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid..
Put these words
Upon his tomb,
Taxes drove me
to my doom...'
When he's gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.

Christmas Came EARLY!!!!!

My shoes are WAITING for me at HOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

Your package has been delivered. To view Proof of Delivery, please select the link.





Tracking Information


Tracking Number: [redacted]  Status: Delivered


UPS has delivered the shipment.
Residential deliveries that do not require a signature may be left in a safe place, out of sight and out of weather, at the driver's discretion. This could include the front porch, side door, back porch, or garage area. If you have instructed the driver to leave the shipment with a neighbor or leasing office, this would be noted on a yellow UPS InfoNotice left by the driver.


Delivered On: 12/17/2009 2:23 P.M.
Location: PORCH
Delivered To: [MY HOUSE]
 

My new babies!!!

 

 

In Dark Brown

When the Truth REALLY Hurts

CBF and I got together awhile ago in Las Vegas for a girls' weekend.  I collect shot glasses and wanted one from Hard Rock Cafe.  CBF and I ended up at the Hard Rock Cafe Hotel and Casino, which is at a completely different end of the strip than just the plain old Hard Rock Cafe.  The Hotel and Casino is like walking through the ultimate FRAT house. One of the pools, Rehab, even has it's OWN show on TruTV. Yes, a show about all the nakedness and shenanigans that go on AT A POOL.  As we walked through the halls all we saw were 20something males in their cargo shorts and polo shirts, adult beverage in hand, talking excitedly about some HOTT waitress who just hit on their buddy!!! They were followed by, well, HOTT waitresses. But the men way out numbered the "ladies" who were in their short shorts, or micro minis, and tissue thin tank tops with fake bake tans tittering on amazingly high heeled sandals.  I, in my crop pants, bike shoes (mine have pink in them) and T-Shirt felt old and frumpy. Feeling like a moment of camaraderie was upon us, I whispered to CBF, "GAWD, I feel like a suburban housewife!!!"
She gave me a withering look and replied, "That's because you ARE a suburban housewife."

And that my digital friends, is when I finally felt the true weight of my 35 yrs and sensible (WAY CUTE!) shoes(which had given me blisters. the strip is no where to break in new shoes). That is also when I was DONE with Vegas. That realization killed all the hype of "What Happens in Vegas, STAYS in Vegas" because I knew at that moment, NOTHING was going to be happening in Vegas for me.

And no, I wasn't looking for a "hook-up". I am, after all, A WIFE, house or no. I just wanted some of the HYPE and SENSATIONALISM of VEGAS BABY!!!

*la sigh*

Is that ALL?

I made a Christmas list for F, it had 6 things on it. All reasonable. I gave him this list shortly after Thanksgiving.
He has told me nothing. Has created no list.  We are 10 days away from Christmas.

This is the e-mail he just sent me:

"snuggie (as the header)........for my xmas list... I am 6 feet talll (72 inches)... "

No Thumb Blisters here!

I have a friend. In fact, you've read about her before. We've been friends since 2nd grade. She is an elementary teacher. She NEVER reads her e-mail. She joined Facebook because "I hear you put all your updates on there now." (i don't. I'm hardly ever on there.) She never updates her own page.


I don't see her as being very tech orientated. Maybe she is, in her own home, I don't know. What I DO know is that she got a Crackberry after I told her how much F loved and misses the one he had for like a week. So now? Instead of sending me e-mails or updating her Facebook from her Crackberry, she sends me texts. And then signs them, like you would a letter or an e-mail.

CRACKS ME UP.

Like the one she sent me last night:

"HEY! Wondering about our annual girls night out get together over the holidays. Let me know. R"

So I immediately sent her one back. Which is how text is supposed to work, right??

Have not heard another word from her!

Ah R. You do delight me.

To Bang or Not To Bang....In a non-Sexual Manner

My digital friends, I am getting my hair cut and colored tomorrow evening and I cannot, CAN NOT express to you how truly excited I am!!! It has been, THREE MONTHS, THREE ENTIRE MONTHS since I have had my hair done. The gray is a showing. The roots have probably 3 inches showing which makes them not so rooty anymore, and just more like "natural". And my BANGS are so long that I've already had to cut them myself. Plus, they are doing this weird, thinning thing. Not that my hair has ever been thick, but my bangs have pretty much always made a good showing on my forehead. Now they are whispy and it drives me crazy. Can your hair line change directions as you age? I mean beside moving backwards down the back of your head? Can it move SIDEWAYS??? My bangs are clumping in weird little clumps like they have never done before. So, I'm asking you, my digital friends, should I continue with the bangs or let them grow out al-aha Ugly Betty style?? Go in a new direction?? I have seriously considered going short again, but F freaks out every time I come back from the salon and my hair is shorter. I'm just so tired of having to put the effort in of styling it every morning. I'm feeling a sense of déjà vu, have I asked you this before??? My hair is so thin, or FINE as I was once corrected (again with the déjà vu) that if I try to do the bone straight no frills type of style it just looks flat and boring. There are a few women here in the office that can pull that look off, but I cannot.I would be happy with hair like these women:

But I just can't seem to pull it off. And another thing, I'm a tad clueless as to what my face shape is. Round maybe? Oval? Square? Heartshaped?? How am I to know?

Men have no idea just how easy they have it!!

And Bless you too, my Swine Flu Child..........

Holy Water that despenses itself.

I think that says it all.

Things.....

That I find just odd.....

1. Riding a bike while on a cell phone.
2. Riding a bike while smoking.
3. Slowly strolling across 4 lanes of traffic, either in, but most likely, outside the cross walk.

Not as much of a Hardass as I thought

I just mailed the Tenant a late payment notice, and I'm scared. All of last year we let him slide, he was constantly late. This time around, we told him he had better be on time or we would start assessing the late fees that are outlined in the lease agreement. So far, he's been good. Except for the fact he seems to think we are at his beck and call to come collect said payment. It is clearly stated in the lease agreement that he is to MAIL us the payment. So now, I'm a little freaked. He could destroy the house. He could claim he never got the notice. He could claim that he is withholding payment because the dryer "keeps" breaking. However, I believe on that last one he has to notify us of his intentions via a written letter. We have not received any such notice. And we DID fix the dryer. Well, F fixed the dryer, replaced the motor. But apparently the dyer belt keeps slipping off. We got one call about it, several months ago, but haven't heard anything since.


I am not cut out to be a landlord. Or, maybe it would be easier if I was an unseen landlord? Maybe if he didn't know my first name? I don't know something that would make me more Official. Maybe if I insisted he call me, instead of F. Whom he started calling after we got married. Of course, I don't want to deal with him, so it's probably better that he calls F, who also doesn't want to deal with him.


What makes your landlord seem “Official” my digital friends?? Any tips you can give me??

IF we do this again after his lease is up, things WILL be different. I WILL be a hard ass.

 I promise.

Climb that ladder Bitch!

"You can rise above your family."


Wise words (insert sarcasm here) from the Nutritionists that I went to see because all my "levels are high".
I was trying to explain to her why to me an apple or any piece of fruit is not a "snack" food. In my family a snack was a homemade cookie, or granola square. Not a handful of grapes like it was in F's family.
I was already on the defense as it was, and her comment completely shut me down.
Not very mature, or open minded, I know. But it just rubbed me the wrong way. It is not like I come from a family of tax evaders or insurance defrauders or ponzi schemers. We're cookie eaters for pete's sake! "Rise above" just makes it sound like my family is criminal rather than perhaps maybe having bad snacking habits
Needless to say I canceled my next appointment with theNutritionists.
Besides, she didn't tell me anything I really didn't already know from TV or magazines.
Less red meat and fat. Knew it.
More fruits and veggies. Also, knew it.
More excerise. Who doesn't know it?

It's not the knowing, it is the doing that makes the difference. I have a problem with the doing, not the knowing.
If you can tell me a way to make veggies taste good, I'm all, uh, eyes.

Not a Vampire, but oh so CLOSE!

"I made a Difference Today, I Gave Blood."


That's what my sticker said.

I was totally shocked when the lady told me I'd reached a mile stone, I'd donated an entire GALLON of my blood over the years. I even got a pin. Says "Gallons Donated 1" on the bottom there.

(worst cell pic, dang)

Then I thought about how long I'd been donating, since I was 17, when we'd had a blood drive at our high school. That memory took me back, WAAAAAY back, to the H.S. Gym, where the drive was taking place. I was fearless, unlike I am today. Then, I laughed at all the Jock guys who were paling and passing out left and right. Today, I turn my head and try to practice breathing while they insert that huge ass needle into my arm. I understand that the nurses do this, or something akin to this, every single day, and therefore have become immune to it. But honestly? I have not. I do not, repeat, DO NOT need to see the 3 bags, and 2 vials and one "mini" bag that you are going to use to store my blood. Because at 6 pm at night, having just come from work without eating, those 3 bags, 2 vials and one "mini" bag look like they are going to hold a HECK of a lot more that a pint, or whatever you are taking. Sad right? after 18 yrs of donating I'm not even sure how much they take each time. Wait, I am, because when I got my pin the nurse said,”OH! This is your 8th pint! You get the pin!!!" So, yes, it SEEMS like you are taking more than a pint. Anyway, I don't need to see it. And even more? I don't, REALLY DO NOT, need to FEEL IT. Yes. FEEL the warmth of my own blood as it flows through the tube that is laid over my arm and dangles down to the bags it is connected to. Do. Not. Need. It is in no way comforting.
Recently I've discovered that I am "sensitive" to surgical tape. One time while donating I had a mini-meltdown almost pass-out because the tape over the needle in my arm started to itch. Now this had happened before, but usually right before the nurse declared me A FULL BAG. So I always just wrote it off as an at the end sort of body reaction. However, this one time in question, the nurse did not come to rescue me. Not for quite some time. When she finally did make her way over, "How are you doing?"

"My arm tingles. And itches. A LOT."

"Hmmmm" said her voice, "MEDIC!" said her face.

P.A.N.I.C. sets in.

I start to feel sick and light headed and things just started to escalate. My worst fear is PASSING OUT.

The sweat starts. Oh lord, here we go.

She tried to talk me down, and it helped some. But the SECOND she ripped that tape off, my body started to cool down, my focus came back, and all was right with the world. Except for the lively red 2.5" swollen rectangle on my arm.

"Well, it appears you are SENSITIVE to surgical tape." the nurse informed me, "From now on have them use this....." and for the life me, I can NEVER remember what that stretchy self sticking stuff the coaches used to warp my ankle in. So now, I just tell all medical personal that my "Allergies" include codeine, Sudafed and surgical tape. Which always gets a follow up of; “Latex?" "Nope."

There was a time where I didn't, couldn't donate. My iron was always too low. But I tried, MANY times. After 17 years I should be WAY beyond 1 gallon of blood. But you know what? I bet I'm a gallon further ahead than a lot of people out there.

If you can work out for 30 to 40 mins a day, you can give blood every 56 days. Because that’s about how long it takes, depending on the wait of course. You never know whose loved one you could help save.

PSA ended.

Where's the NUTS??!?!?! (in old lady "Where's the BEEF?!?! voice)

I just ate a Hershey's with Almonds bar. Size: 1.45 oz or 41g for my digital pals across the pond.


Now I thought I remembered the days of Hershey's with Almonds, when they first came out, and it was jammed packed with ALMONDS.

This one? This one had 8 almonds. 5 and 1/2 inches of chocolate contained 8 almonds. In a straight line, down the center of the bar. Roughly 2 almonds in each square, depending on how you break your bar apart.

Seriously Hershey's??? 8 ALMONDS??? I know things are tight for everyone right now, but I would think you'd want to REWARD someone for coughing up the cash to purchase said candy bar with more than 8 measly almonds. I mean what's next? A Take 5 will only have a pretzel in ONE of the two pieces? Or maybe caramel in one of the two pieces?(depending on what package you buy of course, some come with more than 2 pieces of candy in them). Are you going to take ALL the goodness out of our candy fun?? Smaller sizes. Fewer nuts and less caramel. WHAT IS THE CANDY WORLD COMING TO????



It's called good marketing and quality products. Look into it Hershey's!!!

The answer PLEASE!

This is an e-mail I received from a friend. Some of the questions I know the answers to, but mostly this is just silly fun.


If you know the "REAL" answer, please share in the comments!!!


EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? (different vitamins?)

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? (opening your mouth makes your eyes more taut)

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

 Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? (obviously, who is going to be the sucker to eat a mouse?)

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I'm a Kid Again

I went to Target, the evil store of extra spending, and ended up leaving with, wait for it..............


EXTRA ITEMS!!!

I always get sucked in by the $1 SPOT! This time, oh the trip down childhood lane!!! Seriously, how could I possibly walk away from SILLY PUDDY?? The ORGINAL???? This was RIGHT NEXT TO SLINKY Jr!!!! Which is METAL, not the crappy plastic! SCORE and SCORE. I can barely wait to show my new items to F. Who I'm sure will say, "We never had that when I was a kid." proceeded of course by an eye roll at my joy followed by a lecture about responsible spending.

Can you really deny me $2 dollars of happiness?

I think not.

I also considered buying one of each for my siblings just so we could play like we used to. Without the fighting of course, since we'd all have our own!

Actually, I should tell my mom so she can pick them up as stocking stuffers!!!

That e-mail will write itself!!

Another 10 minutes, PLEASE mom?!?!?!

This morning as I shuffled about getting ready for work I actually paused in front of clothes hooks and longingly looked at my oversized t-shirt and pj pants. For a fleeting moment I pictured myself dressed in these lovingly comfortable clothes with my hair in a ponytail sitting at my desk doing my work. My body sighed at the prospect of no heels or knee highs or curling iron. Then I gave a heavy sigh as the picture faded away and Adulthood snuck back in.


More and more I understand those crazy kids and their propensity for wearing their pj pants out and about in public. My new favs are a pair of Nautica pj pants from Costco (my pants are light blue and sadly did not come with pictured studly lad in them, *la sigh*). So incredibly SOFT. Seriously, pj pants are this generation's version of the sweat suit, aren't they?  When I was in elementary school I had TWO sweat suits, one in aqua and one in purple that had a dancing Kermit the Frog on them. I was STY-LIN'.

Oh and my LL Bean WICKED Good slippers. Truly, sloth heaven.

Dress code be damned! We need a pj pant and slipper day at work!!!
Who's with me?!?!?!!?!?

Can You Tell Me How to Get, How to Get to Sesame Street????

OMG. I can't believe how talented and patient Bakerella is. Check out her post commemorating Sesame Street's 40 Year celebration!!!!


Here's to 40 more!!! Best kids show, ever!!!
I totally want some of these cake pops!!

I LOOOOOOVED me some Oscar, and Cookie Monster. But I’ll have to say my FAVORITE character is Slimey the Worm. Oscar’s only true friend.

He is a worm of few words.

Who is your favorite???

Sharing is not always Caring

Today I stopped into a co-worker's office to have some candy. I was hoping she wasn't in there because this co-worker is well known for "over sharing" or as the kids like to call it, T.M.I about many things that are of a personal nature.


I was not lucky today.

Me: "I came for some chocolate."

TMI_Co-worker: "OH! Help yourself!!!"

Me: "Thanks."

TMI_Co-worker: "How is DH today?" (it is well known throughout the office that I have been sick because you can hear me coughing where ever I go.)

Me: "Oh, I'm better, sporting a headache, but better."

TMI_Co-worker: "That's good. Unlike me who is on DAY 13 of my period!"

(oh god no, here we go..........)

Me: "OMG, that is not good."

TMI_Co-worker: "I know. And it's not a regular flow either. This is full on OPEN FAUCET GUSH for 13 days!"

Me: "EW." (I do feel bad for her, but seriously??? Did I need to know that detail???)

TMI_Co-worker: "Yeah, I don't have enough, YOU KNOW, SUPPLIES to keep up with it. It's exhausting me, I'm so tired."

Me: "Wow. Have you gone to the doctor?"

TMI_Co-worker: "Oh yeah, it's menopausal stuff. Of course my husband thinks I have cancer. So he's freaking out."

It is at this point in the conversation that I find the opportunity to change the subject. And I do, QUICKLY.

She apparently did not read the same article on MSN I did, about what NOT to share with your co-workers.

Most importantly points 2, 6 and 12.

I rewarded myself with a second piece of candy before I left. I needed something to take my mind off that visual picture she painted for me.

Early Bird Gets the Worm my ASS

I roll over and squint at the clock, 3:30 AM. Why does this always happen? WHY? I get up and go to the bathroom and crawl back into bed. 3:35AM. F rolls over.
“You’re awake aren’t you?” he queries.
“Yes.”
“Why are you awake?”
“Why are YOU?” I challenge back.
“I’m just waking up, I don’t know why.”
“I don’t know either” I sigh in response.
“How long have you been awake?”
“Not long.”
He gets up and stumbles to the bathroom.
He crawls back into bed. 3:40AM.
We both toss and turn trying to get comfortable. I get up and go to the bathroom AGAIN. I look at the clock as I stumble back into bed. 3:55AM.
“Go to sleep DH.”
“I hope so.”
I tell myself that if I’m not asleep by 5AM I’m getting up and going into work.
4:20AM F begins to snore.
5:00AM I’m up. In the shower by 5:15AM musing to myself that the morning show we listen to isn’t even on yet.
5:30AM Morning show starts as I’m listening to our shower radio (wedding present SCORE!) in the shower.
Stagger about in the dark trying to stay quiet so F can at least sleep til the alarm goes off. Realize “morning show” that says it starts at 5:30AM really only plays commercials and music for the first 30 minutes instead of talking. Realize that I will hear their show in its ENTIRETY for the first time ever.
Whimper. 5:55AM
6:00AM come into room and snooze the alarm, F didn’t hear it.
6:10AM go downstairs to discover F didn’t bother hanging up my work clothes, but hung up his. FUME at him through basement floor.
6:11AM Tell F he HAS to get up because I’m leaving.
“What? Why?”
“Because I’ve been up since 5.”
“I’ve been up since 3:30AM” he attempts to trump me.
“*sigh* Fine, I’ve been AWAKE since 3:30, but up and out of bed since 5AM, ok?”
“But, what are you going to do?”
“I’m going to work.”
“But why so early?”
“What would you have me do instead?? I’m awake.”
“But it’s SOOOO early!”
“Yes. I. Know. You need to get up.”
“What time is it EXACTLY.”
“6:13AM.”
Kiss F goodbye.
6:15AM Pull car out of garage. Garage door does annoying blinking-light-something-blocking-senor-blink.
6:16AM Swear. Put car in park. Get out, KICK leaves out of “line of sight” of senor eye. Push button. Light blinking again.
Swear again.
6:18AM Kick more leaves “out of line of sight”. Push button. Garage Door teases me by moving a few inches before retracting back up. Light blinks.
Try pushing and holding button to force door closed. Door moves! BUT NO!!! LIGHT BLINKING!!!
6:20AM SWEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Climb back in car, leave garage door open for F to deal with. Pull out of driveway.
6:30AM driving in the dark SUCKS!!!!
6:35AM Where am I??? Where are all the land marks?? It’s FREAKING DARK!!!
6:40AM Hungry. McDonald’s open????
6:50AM Try to remember how to unlock building. Really dark in here when all alone.
6:51AM Realize that it took 20mins less to get to work at ungodly hour, should maybe consider this a regular thing.
6:55AM Unload office dishwasher and reload office dishwasher. Make cup of tea. Like I never left home.
6:58AM Wonder when other people will begin to arrive at work.
7:05AM Jump as first co-worker arrives.
7:10AM Begin working again after morning “why are you here so early chat?” with said co-worker.
8:00AM WOW! An hour gone already??? Some people who say they get here at 7:30 SO DO NOT.
9:00AM!!!! DUDE!! TIME IS FLYING!!!!
9:20AM Breakfast!!!
10:35AM OMG. Are you serious??? It’s only 10:30??? I’ve only been here for 3 hours????
10:40AM Start this Blog entry to keep sanity.
11:17AM 45 MINS til LUNCH!!!!!!!
11:34AM omg, kill me now, it’s only been 15mins???
1:08PM Lunch is over already?? OMG. I have how much longer??????????
1:30PM????? REALLY?!?!!?!?!? FREAKING REALLY?!!?!?!?!?! AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH
2:18PM It hasn’t even be an HOUR YET???????????????
2:31PM FINALLY, an hour has gone by. Wishing I’d bought Chocolate during lunch.
4:36PM SWEET JESUS 20 mins to go!!!!!

That Was Inappropriate...

"You guys leave me a good tip??"

That is what our server asked us today as we were finishing our drinks and she was clearing away the payment folders.
We giggled nervously, and then our jaws dropped as she turned to leave.
"Well, THAT was inappropriate. " I said to my friend.
"I can't believe she asked us that! She was annoying."
"We'd better leave before we say something rude to her."
"Yeah, this place. *sigh*"
"I know."

What outrageous things have been said to you by "the help?"

Anniversary and Stuff

I’ve been experiencing respiratory issues for about a month now. An annoying cough developed into breathing problems and bronchiolar pain. I went to the doctor and he gave me an inhaler to help with the pain and breathing. It was suppose to last an entire month the horrified pharmacist informed F and I when we went to refill it. A WEEK later.
“You could give yourself a heart attack.”
Needless to say we did not get a refill. And I took my less than happy self BACK to the doctor. A new inhaler. Which can give you a yeast infection, IN YOUR MOUTH, if you don’t rinse properly after each use, and some steroids? Problem not so solved. The cough subsided and actually went away for 2 days. But then I made the mistake of going outside in the wind and rain and the cough came back. The steroids made an excellent one-two punch in combination with my PMS. An already PMSing woman whose cravings and emotions are all over the place jacked up with some ‘roids? HELLZ YEA!!! That’ll make for an extra special anniversary weekend!!! Poor F. I wasn’t the best companion for our little get-away. I either left the rest of the steroid meds at the place we stayed at, or they are lost somewhere in F’s car. I still had a few days left of the prescription to take.
We are back now. And my cough has developed into a cold. With a side of voice loss.
F and I have decided that we just aren’t meant to take vacation because no matter where or when we go, we get cold rainy weather. And one of us, usually me, ends up sick.
In spite of all this, we did have a relaxing little get away. The fireplace made it cozy, us against the weather kind of thing. We picked up some art for the living room and several bottles of locally made wine.
It was a nice way for us to spend some time reconnecting with each other without the outside world bumping against us at every turn.
Here’s to the next 365!!!!

Who Needs to See the Play?

Here is a take on the Phantom of the Opera that never would fly in a High School lit class, which is exactly why I LOVE IT!
I always hated having to analyze the goodness out of a story. Hell, Mark Twain even tells you not to in the beginning of his books, and yet there you are, writing a paper about the haves and have nots, the social draw backs of segregation in the south and the horrible ways in which the English language can be butchered. Why can't I just read a good story???
In the above Blog entry, it is simple and to the point. And most certainly, right on. I'm assuming of course, since I've never seen P.o.t.O. But I have no doubt that is it in a nut shell.

Pillow Mind Trip

The night before last I dreamt of demonic cats who refused to leave my home. It was so realistic that when one of the devil's pets bite me, I check my hand the next morning for bite marks.

Then last night I dreamt of thick cut bacon.

Shoe Daddy

CBF and I have decided that instead of a Sugar Daddy, I need a SHOE Daddy. Someone who will give me free range to purchase any and all kinds of shoes that I may or may not be able to actually wear while standing up let alone be able to walk in.

I bought these shoes in black 2 yrs ago? And the heel cap thingie came off last winter.

I know it would be much more fiscally responsible if I took them and got them fixed, because I still love them.

But wouldn't it be way more fun to add these to my closet?

I own another pair that is very similar, but in navy blue:

And now I'm kind of in love with them in this color as well.

Or how about these?

This red is SASSY. But I have nothing to wear red sassy shoes with, so I would get them in black.

And remember these boots I bought in brown from Sears?

The buckle keeps coming off and the toe area rubber has completely eaten away so it is right down to cardboard and cloth. And I have NO IDEA how that happened since I don't scuff my feet when I walk or walk about on tip-toe. Again, I STILL Love them, but would be happy to love these as well:

Or love these.....

And how cute are these?

I have no idea why this picture is so small.

Purple. Sexy. Sassy. Who knew?

For some reason these speak to me as a Corporate Sexy cut-throat woman CEO. Amanda Woodward anyone? RRRAAAAOOOOOW.

Or you know, pretty much anything from Aerosoles.com would make me happy.

O.M.G., how stupid are you?

Pirates held after mistakenly targeting warship
French navy chases skiff for an hour in wake of attack off Somalia’s coast

This photo released by the French navy shows pirates surrendering after allegedly opening fire on a warship off Somalia's coast on Wednesday.
View related photos

PARIS - Somali pirates in two skiffs fired on a French navy vessel early Wednesday after apparently mistaking it for a commercial boat, the French military said.
The French ship gave chase and captured five suspected pirates.
No one was wounded by the volleys from the Kalashnikov rifles directed at La Somme, a 3,800-ton refueling ship, French military spokesman Rear Adm. Christophe Prazuck said.
La Somme "was probably taken for a commercial ship by the two small skiffs" about 250 nautical miles off Somalia's coast, Prazuck said.
"They understood their mistake too late," he said.
One skiff fled, and La Somme pursued the second one in an hour-long chase.
"There were five suspected pirates on board. No arms, no water, no food," Prazuck said.
France is a key member of the EU's naval mission, Operation Atalanta, fighting Somali pirates in the Gulf of Aden.
It has aggressively tracked and caught suspected pirates and handed over at least 22 to Kenya.
An additional 15 suspects were brought to France for prosecution after allegedly seizing boats belonging to French nationals.
President Nicolas Sarkozy called for tougher action against piracy last year after dozens of attacks.

HELLO!!! You can't tell the difference between a Navy ship and a cruise liner?? Seriously, these pirates have GOT to be stopped. I still don't understand how a bunch of guys in a ratty skiff out run a Navy ship for an hour. And I also don't understand how a bunch of guys in a ratty skiff can be intimidating to the point that you pull your boat over and surrender. Why aren't they being stopped? Why don't more ships carry weapons if this is such a problem??
Where is Captain Jack Sparrow???

Dash Cam

I have decided that I need one of those dash cams like the cops have, because I have to tell you, I miss many a great Blog worthy shots while driving in the car. I am never fast enough with the cell phone camera to get the pics that tell a thousand stories.

Like this one:

Queen of the "Bitch" Seat World

You go girl.

Does anyone know where I can get a dash cam? I would prefer one that took stills instead of video, because video would just take us into a whole new realm of figuring out how to get a still out of video and I can barely put this blog together.

But I can put this Blog together better than this sign is advertising some one's business.



In case you are having a hard time reading what it says:

LAWN CORING

DETHATCHING

YARD WORK

Um, HUH??? Is this landscaper speak and I'm just not hip to the lingo??

It was raining, and these young ladies found themselves without an umbrella. So they covered their coifs......





With plastic bags from 7 Eleven....

Emhmm, very inventive. I do have to give them props for quick thinking.

And these are only the pics I was quick enough to capture with my cell phone. Ah, the ones I've missed, yes yes, you are being greatly deprived.

Dream Weaver....I Need a New Weave

What does it mean when you have a dream where you preform a Britney and shave your head???

Anybody??

Bill Gates, Why Do You Hate Me So?

Dear Mr. Gates,
I desperately need you to explain something to me. You are a great humanitarian. You have given away countless amounts of money. You have your own charitable foundation. And yet, you allow the continued torture of your Microsoft Office customers by your programmers. Why is this? Where is your humanitarian spirit when it comes to us? We have “upgraded” to Office 2007 ( I know, just in time for 2010 to come out, talk to our “fabulous” tech person.) and I can’t say I’m lovin it. In fact, I can’t say ANYONE in our office loves it. The “Ribbons”, even though they sound pretty, are in truth heinous. I’m sorry, but I must be honest with you on this one. In MS 2003 I cursed your name for not allowing more than 65,500+/- records in Excel. In my job I often deal with records upwards of 75K, into the 100K. I HATED having to cut my file into two. I was always afraid I was going to miss someone. When 2007 came around I rejoiced that Excel could now handle 1 MILLION RECORDS!!!!!! SWEET HEAVEN ON HIGH!!!!! And I resolved to remove you from my shit list.
Today however, you have regained your number 1 spot back on my shit list. Today, I needed to export 756K records into Excel from Access. (please forgive me; anyone of you, who are lost at this point) It would be no problem right? ONE MILLION RECORDS, I had several hundred thousand records to play with! No sweat! Alas, Bill, may I call you Bill? Bill, I got an error message. The message told me that “Clipboard” could only handle 65K records and that I should try cutting my list into two. Whaaa? But, but, BUT!!!! This cannot be the case! You promised me ONE MILLION record capacity!!! What is the point of that if I can’t use it??? I tried exporting (I miss my office links -> analysis in excel, must EVERYTHING be exported nowadays?) it as a Text file. Same error. Bill, I don’t like getting errors. It raises my blood pressure and puts me into panic mode. Surely, Bill, you can understand my SHOCK to find that CSV is NO LONGER offered as an Export option. Did CSV offend you somehow Bill? Did CSV fall into the wrong crowd and you felt the need to punish it? Were you tired of it getting confused with CVS? Text just doesn’t do it for me. CSV used to be my work-around to your little 65K record limit. Of course I still couldn’t open it in Excel, but it made me feel like I was somehow beating the system. Bill, you have taken that wee bit of triumph away from me. It seems to me that you have woefully underestimated the usage of your product. It is as though you’ve said, “Eh, I’ll TELL them they can list ONE MILLION records at a time, but goodness me, they’ll never actually USE it!! Hahahahahahaha. HA.”
So I curse you and your tantalizing carrot waving of ONE MILLION (Dr. Evil voice EVERY SINGLE TIME) record capacity in Excel.
As Rep Joe Wilson says: “YOU LIE!”

Mother Nature Gets Naughty with Father Time....2X

Has anybody else heard about this?? Isn't this CRAZY??? Babies of the same lady. Conceived 2.5 weeks apart!!!

You could pass some of that conception around, I'm just sayin'.

OINK OINK

Conversation I JUST had in the office kitchen:


Me: "Hey K!"

K: really gruff "Hey."

Me: "WHOA! You sound really rough."

K: "YEAH! I think I had the swine flu last week. I am FEELIN really rough."

Me: "oh."


Um, HI? Why are you here? GO HOME! We have 2 pregnant ladies in our office! And lots of parents of small children!!!

WTF people? Swine Flu, cold, regular flu, STAY HOME.

Nobody likes you that much anyway.

Over the Weekend.....

I washed my hair 4x in less than a 24hr period. Not the best water saving mission, but that is how things played out this weekend.


My chin exploded in zits like I was 15 again. Despite the massive amounts of EXTREMELY expensive anti-acne cremes, salves, washes and over-night products, the mountain zit in the middle of my chin continues to grow. It is extremely embarrassing to have to be at work and have said zit pulsate at my co-workers while we chat. I feel greasy and nasty and wish to wear a bag over my head until the volcano blows and begins to shrink.


I spent a good $80 on splints and support wraps because at 35 and 2 months my manky ankle refuses to be anything but trouble and has convinced my knee that they should work against me in tandem. They sent a telegram to both my hips who won't allow me to sleep on either of them, the muscle group in my upper buttock who have formed a fist sized knot that shoots pain back down my thigh (ha ha knee! backfire!), the RIGHT side of my neck which refuses to play nice with the pillow and my entire back muscle coalition.

F informed me that if I want to go somewhere for our 1 YEAR anniversary that I need to start looking now, and it must have a fireplace to keep us warm. This little task was given to me after he questioned me, "Do I REALLY have to get you something?" and "You mean you REALLY want that cookbook from Pioneer Woman?? Can I buy it in the store, or only from Amazon??"
Apparently giving him the link on Amazon was still too involved for him and I might as well go out and buy it myself and give myself a really romantic card while I'm at it.

My mom got off on her Alaskan cruise just fine, but no one has heard from her since. We are all just assuming that she doesn't have cell service on the water and is too cheap to pay for Internet time on the boat to let us all know she is still afloat. (see what i did there??)

TV Vortex

Tuesday Night I sat down and found that of the 300 channels we have there was NOTHING on. As I was scrolling through the on-screen-guide The Biggest Loser was playing in the background. As the people began to tell their stories so they could "get to know each other" I began to cry. Seriously. WTF? Some of the stories were truly heart wrenching. Abby? The teacher who lost her husband and 2 little kids in a car accident? OMG. I was sucked in. I have a feeling I'll be watching this show the rest of the season.
The one thing that really annoyed me? Jillian. And to a lesser extent, Bob. And their need to SCREAM at the contestants. And YELL SWEARS at them. Really? When was the last time you felt motivated by someone screaming in your face? Motivated to retaliate, maybe. Jillian is a little self righteous. I don't know if I can handle watching her all season. But I will try.
Did anyone else find themselves crying during this episode???

Dial me a Dinner

Phone call I received from F:

F: "Hey! I'm on Pioneer Woman and I'm looking for a post for stuffed peppers. Does she have something like that?"

Me: "Um, I don't know. Go to her new website Tasty Kitchen and I'm sure you can find one there."

F: "Her what? Where?"

At this point I had to open her Blog to make sure I wasn't going crazy, and that there is in fact a link for Tasty Kitchen.

Me: "On the left hand side, a link for Tasty Kitchen. You should find something there."

F: "OH Tasty Kitchen!! Got it! Ok, thanks!!!"

Mind you, F has been attempting to make stuffed peppers since day one of us meeting each other. The last time ended in a huge pot of water with saturated saggy peppers that went out in the trash before I could even asses the situation.
I love that he immediately thinks of the Pioneer Woman as a reference for good food. Even if he does complain that it has too much butter or is too rich. She is still his go-to gal.
Thank You Ree.
And I've already put in a Christmas wish list order for her new cookbook. And yes, I'm willing to wait to have it until Christmas even though it becomes available 3 DAYS after our 1 year anniversary.

The Gift Card just got BETTER

Best Headline, EVER.

Battling syphilis ... with Wal-Mart gift cards

Just Call me Grandma

I went to the doctor. I told her of my issue with my manky ankle. She prescribed, Compression Stockings.

Just call me Grandma D.H.

Well, at least they come in colors, so I can pass them off as Trouser Socks.

I am only 35!! Not 80!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where they find the "Guests" For Jerry Springer

Thank You Sassy Two Socks.
This new website has brightened my day.
A whole blog dedicated to the People of Walmart, or as I like to refer to it, White Trash World.

Please shower after exiting.

8 Tracks and LPs

My friends from High School informed F and I this weekend that we are "out of touch" with today's music scene.

We were at a wedding and they would get up and go dance, waving or yanking us out onto the floor with them.

"Who IS this???" I'd yell over the music.

"WHAT???!!! This is POPin Hot Rockin!!!!!"(totally made up that name, because i can't even remember what they said, on any of the several occasions.)

"WHO????????????"

"You gotta get this on your iPod!!!" exclaimed my highly intelligent, highly intoxicated friend.

"We don't have iPods." F and I admitted in unison.

*HORRIFIED GASP!!!!!* from the entire table.

"You guys live under a rock?????????????"

F and I are both 80's babies. Throw in some early 90's from when I was in college, and you have my music mix. Well, aside from the stuff I grew up listening to because of my parents, but that's another blog entry. At home, work and in the car I listen to a radio station whose tag line is, "All the music the rap station doesn't play." So there are new songs, new groups, but none that was blaring out of the speakers at the wedding.

So, in the spirit of being more hip, I cued up the "hip hop urban" radio station on my computer at work, the "rap station" my station refers to, and tried to listen. It lasted for 10mins before I muted it. Then I forgot I'd muted it, and turned it back on, only to mute it again in a few seconds. I can't do it, I can not listen to this station. I highly dislike it. I USED to listen to this station, but then their morning show just got out of hand, and the music just got too rappy, and I called it a day several years ago.

I'm afraid I'm classified as "Easy Listening".
What was that song a few years ago about a mom who thinks she's hip but is still living in the 90's? Yeah, that's us.

Another One Bites the Dust

I haven’t been reading Blogs for very long, but I have become attached to a certain few and in fact have very little time or inclination to find new people to read. Not to say that I haven't. I celebrate the day I found April's Reign and Big Mama. Since I’ve began reading I’ve seen 5 go the way doo-doo bird. Most recently I’d found my way to Wind In Your Vagina, a dad’s prospective of day to day life with the kids. Just as I was getting through his back logs, he went all privatized. The biggest blow to my reading line up was Such Great Heights, known by those who loved her as Clink. Every now and again I’ll cruise over to her site to see if she’s back to posting, and once in awhile I’ll get a small hit, but nothing daily. No dissection of her wedding day. No new from-the-nose-down pictures. Did she start a new Blog? I don’t know. It happened in the past; she changed providers, or URLs. Same thing happened with [redacted] when his life changed via a break-up. He’s been posting on the new Blog for about 3 years now. Hell, I don’t even remember what his old blog was.
And let’s not forget The Company Bitch. She was my first. She just stopped. No warning, like Clink. No clue to the new site, like [redacted]. Just one post that left you wanting more. And now? Now I’ve lost Each of the Two. She was back from “theater camp” one day, promising to tell us all that had gone down and all that was to come with the ever looming wedding, and then:

Blog not found
Sorry, the blog you were looking for does not exist. However, the name eachofthetwo is available to register!


Whaaaaaaaaaa????? Are you kidding me??? I can’t find new ones fast enough to replace the old ones. Blogs are like good books that you never want to end. You want to continue to know how their lives evolve and change. It’s like someone ripped out the last chapter. There have been days when I toy with the idea of stopping. When I have nothing to give. When I want to share, but know it is just too personal to do so.
So I know how they feel. Sometimes, it is just easier to grab your coat and leave when nobody is looking.
Problem is, they ARE looking. Looking and waiting to see you again.

Cash, Check, But Not Money Orders, Please

Did you know that Western Union Money Orders are not considered cash? Did you know that Western Union Money Orders are easily duplicated and forged, thus making them less trust worthy? Especially because you can get them ANYWHERE?
Did you know that because of the forgery risk that your bank/credit union will put a 5 day hold on the funds?
No?
Me either.
This is what my Kindly Credit Union Teller told me on Saturday when I went to deposit the rent from our Tenant. (he’s signed on for another six months, but that’s another blog entry.)
I usually deposit via ATM, so this was the first I’d heard of the 5 day hold. I’d always assumed that since a money order has to be purchased with cash that meant it was as good as money. Not so. Western Union money orders are viewed as checks and must go through a clearing process same as a check. When I told the Kindly Credit Union Teller that I had been making that deposit every month for about a year now, he got flustered and told me he would have to speak to his manager. His manager backed his story. And thusly I was told it would be best to have our tenant pay by Postal Money Order because those are the only REAL money orders and are much less likely to be forged.
Learn something everyday.

However, what I did not like our Kindly Credit Union Teller telling me is that, “I checked your balance and I can’t see where having this on hold would be a problem for you.” Um, sorry? How is that your call? You don’t know what my finical situation is and you should really refrain from commenting on it. I appreciate you explaining the whole reason for the hold, I do. But please, keep your comments about how my current bank balance should cover our finical situation for the next 5 days to yourself; because that is truly not something you should be expressing your views on. It’s just not.

The French Do It

It was dark out, the rain was misting, I was tired, F was tired, but we still needed to load up some firewood for the camping trip. I slipped on F's tennis shoes and clomped out to the back yard to help. 10 mins later I was back in the kitchen finishing up "pre cooking" the bacon for the coming camp breakfast. It was hot inside the house, and I was glad I had changed into my "wife beater" and shorts earlier. But as hot as I was, something cold was on my leg. I did the "shake it off" leg jiggle, but that didn't help. I did a few more things in the kitchen and realized that the "cold" was moving on my leg. I looked down and saw a................snail, without the shell.

"Don't freak out. Don't freak out. Don't freak out." I told myself as I looked around the disaster area of a kitchen to find something to remove the snail with. I grabbed a used paper towel out of the trash can and plucked said snail from my calf.

Apparently instead of throwing it in the trash I should have rubbed it about my face and neck, who knew???

Fort Knox: The Library of a Teenager

My 14yr old niece is heavily into the Twilight Series. Big shocker right? SES borrowed the books from her and having read them, told me how great they were and that I needed to read them too. Since I love to read, when the mood strikes, I figured what the heck? Maybe it would be a little Anne Rice lite kind of reading.
When I saw my niece recently I poised my query, “Hey, K, can I borrow your Twilight books?”
K without missing a beat: “I don’t lend those out anymore ever since my friend Nicole never gave me the one she borrowed back.”
Completely. Dead. Serious.
ES and I both gasped.
ES: “What? You won’t let your own AUNT borrow your books?”
Me: “Really! Geez.”
K: “Yes. Really.”
ES and I both laughed, “WOW.”
ES: “Dang, your Aunt is like 25 yrs older than your friend! And far more responsible! I can’t believe you said no!!”
Me: “No kidding.”
K: “I might reconsider.”

What the? Cold man. She was cold. And hardcore.
But I was also kind of proud of her. She stuck up for what is hers, and wasn’t going to be bullied.

K: “Ok, you can borrow them. But you better NOT WRECK THEM!!!”

Ok, so maybe it was more the guilt rather than bullying.

Me: “Thank you! I know how to treat books; I grew up in a library after all!”

I left their house without the books.

Or maybe, she just knows how to play the game.

Bad Combo

White Blouse + Bloody Nose = Tide Pen EMERGENCY!!!

I don't understand why the Tide Pen leaves that weird ring after it drys on some fabrics but not on others.

Design flaw.

But still better than a bloody stain on my blouse.

EPT, Not so 'E'

I was watching “I didn’t Know I was Pregnant” because YAY! We finally got cable back and I was flipping through the channels trying to find something to watch out of the 250 channels we have; plus Miss Molly had mentioned watching it and it peaked my interest( i think she did, can't find the post.). The show is truly amazing. How these women have little to no symptoms or weight gain, or any of the things a “normal” pregnancy would experience. Some of it, yeah I think is denial, none of them said the felt the baby move, how is that possible? And I totally felt for them when they went into labor unbeknownst to themselves. How much would you freak the hell out if you were having that kind of pain out of no where? I know I would. Anyway, I was flipping between that and another show when F comes up out of the basement.

F: “You know I’ve been listening to what you’re watching.”
Me: *dazed as I try to refocus my attention on him* “What??”
F: “This show you are watching, about the women.”
Me: *still dazed* “Yeah??”
F: “Are you trying to tell me something???”
Me: *pause* “wha? It’s just a show I’m watching.”
F: “You sure?”
Me: *SIGH*
F chuckles to himself as he turns and goes back down into the basement.

Now, really, would I watch a show about not knowing about being pregnant if I KNEW I was pregnant? (i am not pregnant, trust me on this one)

He seriously likes to just mess with me for the sake of messing with me.

Go AWAY!

I'm having one of THOSE days where everything and everyone one is annoying me. I was out of the office for the afternoon yesterday and came back this morning to a note on my chair. I have no problem with the note on my chair, "Can we talk about this? Thanks B" attached to a work request. The work request is WRONG, as per usual from B. B seems to have problems following directions. And no matter how many times I walk B through the process, it is still wrong. Knowing that my irritation with B was due in part to simply ME, I decided I would wait to go talk to B until I'm come down off the irritation interstate. B however decided that "talking about it" was no longer up to me and pops into my office.
"HEY!!!!!!! You get my note??????!!!!!"
(uh no, is that what this extra padding on my chair is??? your note???)
"Yep, but I'm in the middle of something else right now."
"Oh. Well, when you get a chance, come see me."
(not if i don't have to!)
"Yeah, ok."

Why do people assume that because you leave a note to come see you, it is implied that is HAS to been immediately??? The note did not say ASAP!!! or SOON!!! MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH!!!
You have put the ball in my court and when I am ready to serve it back to you, trust me, you'll know. Next time, don't leave a note. If you must talk to me, then wait, and HAND it to me. With a, "I think we need to go over this." Which will be received much better. No matter how my day is going.

But for now, GO AWAY!

An Open Letter to AmEx

Dear American Express:
Until recently, I never counted myself as one of you card holders. When F and I joined Costco*, part of the deal was getting one of your cards. Since AmEx is the ONLY credit card Costco* will accept. Not too long ago you sent F (the account is in his name) a letter stating that due to the current economic climate, you were reducing our credit limit. In your letter you stated that if we wrote and asked you the reasoning behind why you did this, you would tell us. So I hopped on my computer and fired off a short letter requesting this information. In my rush, I transposed our house number. You sent a letter, to the “new” address, which happened to be our neighbor, confirming the “address change” on the Costco AmEx, but wanted to know if we would also like to “change the address” on the “Blue” AmEx. With absolutely NO mention of the actual reason of my letter, the credit line reduction.
HUH????
Since the 30day window to obtain this information had passed, I filled out the “change of address” box on the next bill and sent it back. I am still waiting to receive a letter confirming the “address change” back to what it was originally.
During this waiting period we receive two identical letters concerning each AmEx card telling us, that once again, due to the “economic climate” you are INCREASING the APR.
I can’t help but see a pattern here concerning your reasoning skills. First, you seem to lack attention to detail. I write you a letter requesting information, and you change my address. You are quick enough (not really) to notice that we have 2 cards with you and want to know if the address for the second card needs to be changed. But you are NOT quick enough to send us ONE copy of a letter increasing our APR. I can see now where that increase is being put to use, mailing and printing costs.
Second, your reasoning behind increasing the APR seems to be decidedly short sighted. It is quite clear across the nation that people are losing jobs, homes, and are barely scraping by, but you decide now, NOW would be an EXCELLENT time to charge these same people more money. I feel it is my duty to point out the obvious, that these people do not have extra money to cover your increased APR.
I can see that I should have stuck with my past avoidance of you. My knowledge of you then was that you charged people a yearly fee for the privilege of paying off their card each month which, contrary to your marketing hype, is not accepted everywhere, and it IS best to leave home without it.
Consider this my first notice that once these cards are paid off, we will in fact be cancelling them. Because I’m sure you’ll take this to mean we want ANOTHER card with you and hence I’ll end up having to cancel 3 cards instead of just 2.

*Costco??? Get your head out of your ass and come to the realization that AmEx has got you (and your customers) over a barrel and they are all out of Vaseline.

Me chatting with my Mom did NOT put your Life in Danger

To the snarky lady who was purposely overtly loud in her query to the gas attendant at Costco the other night about whether or not you are allowed to use your cell phone while pumping gas, as you were eyeing me as I talked to my mom, YES, yes you are allowed. As the attendant, equally loudly answered, "There is NO law against it."as he stood and watched me like I was about to drive off without paying(which you can't do, since you have to pay first).
There is also no danger in doing it.
Brush up on your urban legends missy, Snopes.com.
Plus there was no sign posted telling you to not use your cell while pumping. If there had been, I would have hung up. Just like I make F turn the car off before pumping, because "they" say so.
One other thing, dancing about 3 to 4 feet away while waiting for your gas to pump, is NOT going to save your life in case me and my evil cell phone conversation with my mom goes array and ends up igniting the Costco gas station in an apocalyptic fire ball.
So THERE! nah!

I'm not Techie

I got the e-mail below. Has anyone heard of these people? Is this something I should do? Anyone?

Hello.This is Howard from feedmil.com, a new real-time search engine dedicated for fast feed discovery. I am writing to invite you to submit a short informative description about the feed you publish at http://adulthoodsucks.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default .At feedmil, we provide not only feed search but also individual feed pages so that users can conveniently examine more details about a feed before they decide whether or not to subscribe to it. For instance, your feed page at feedmil can be found at [redacted]. Description about your feed in your own words will be listed under the section titled "Words from the Author(s)" of your feed page at feedmil, and we believe that it will help your potential subscribers better understand what your feed is mainly about and what kind of feedback you want, possibly increasing the number of subscribers to your feed.You can send me any content you like to be displayed under "Words from the Author(s)" for your feed by replying to this email, and any kind of additional materials in the form of attachments in the reply email would be welcome as well.I sincerely thank you for all the great content you publish, which makes the service like ours possible. Your attention would be highly appreciated.
Thanks.
Best wishes,
Howard The Feedmil Team

Monkey in the Middle

Before F arrived on the scene it was just me. Just me and my family. I may have been the go-between, between siblings, but it was rare. Now? Now I find myself caught in the middle often. A sibling will do something that negatively(perceived) affects F and I, and F will go into a tailspin of anger. Over the last few months he has been butting heads with SES. He does not let these "slights" go easily. He will fume about her and the "incident" and I will be caught in the middle defending her to him, or defending him to her. I do not like discord amongst those that I love.
I suppose before F arrived on the scene if there was discord among the family I tended not to notice. Assuming that everything was fine, and everyone got along fine. Once F arrived, my eyes were opened, I guess you could say, or people became more open, and I began to see that everything is not fine, and everyone does not get along.

I do not know what to do about being the monkey in the middle. Be it between F and the sibs or the sibs themselves. I am very concerned about how everyone perceives each other. Does SES think F is a lying loud mouth ass? Does F think SES is a nosey bitch (pretty much, yeah)?
I feel like I have to choose a side. But I can't because that is never a good idea. Someone always ends up hurt. And ususally, both sides have valid points.
How do you, my digital friends handle these kind of conflicts? Because right now, I just want to go home and mix myself a VERY large adult beverage and watch hours and hours of Clean House and Say YES to the DRESS! and pretend that a pretty dress and a shiny new kitchen will make everything all better.

Pants and Protest

Cops beat women protesting Sudan trouser ban

Group supporting female journalist arrested for wearing trousers in public

Sudanese journalist Lubna Hussein, right, who faces 40 lashes on the charge of "indecent dressing," flashes a victory sign to her supporters as she enters the court in Khartoum on Tuesday. She is going on trial for wearing trousers in public, a violation of the country's strict Islamic laws.


Can I just tell you, that as I read this article, I was upset. Granted, I do not understand this, fear? of women wearing slacks, pants, trousers, whatever you may call them. I do understand that not long ago women did not wear "trousers" in the USA. And we've moved past this. I do understand that there are still some places where the dress code requires women to continue to adhere to this thought pattern. Dressing in this manner however is a matter of personal choice. You do not have to work at the place that requires you to wear a skirt and pantyhose. You can choose a religion that allows you to dress as you please. I know a woman, whom I in fact just reconnected with via FB, whose religion mandates that females wear skirts and/or dresses when out in public. She wore a skirt to school EVERY SINGLE DAY. She explained that in her version of the Bible (yes there are different versions, something I didn't know until like my late teens) it says that men and women are to dress differently. I don't remember all the logic behind it, but it made sense at the time. Especially since she stressed it was a choice to follow that dress code. But outside of that, No one is going to arrest you for wearing "trousers" in public. If this were the case, I would be flogged on a daily basis. I own exactly 3 skirts, and 4 dresses. I have never been much of a skirt/dress wearer. Even as a child. In fact, now that I think about it, neither of my sisters are skirt wearers, even though our mother, who is of the skirt & pantyhose era, is very much a skirt/dress wearer. I own at least 10 pairs of jeans, and 9 pairs of dress pants that I wear to work each week. Not all at once of course. I do not feel that because I wear "trousers" that I am less feminine. Wearing trousers does not change the fact that I am a female. That is all DNA, something I can not change. Wearing "trousers" can not now, nor will it ever, change that fact. When there are people in great need of food and clean water and proper housing and health care**, I find it extremely distressing that a government chooses to put resources into policing a dress code("public order police") instead of helping its people. I do not believe I will ever understand the oppression of woman based in religion which is then made into law. Every time I see an article like this I can't help but ask myself, "Why are they afraid of their women???"
Ignorance on my part, perhaps. If someone can explain it to me, I ask that you do. Politely of course. You can maybe make me understand, but you can never convince me.


**I do realize the US is not anywhere near blameless where any of these things are concerned. And I know we, as a nation, need to fix our own problems.