Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Not Here

We all have plans in our lives. Things we want to do, people we want to be, but often times we don't end up there because plans change, or just don't happen.
I'm finding myself there now.
"There" as in not where I thought I'd be at this point in my life.
When I started this Blog I intended for it to be about my being a single woman who was a first time homeowner. However, since I met F two weeks after signing the mortgage, it's taken a decidedly different turn. Which is fine, by me anyway. I'm not sure if I fully chronicled my home owning or not. I think there may be a few entries about it in the beginning. I saved up for a down payment when I, in all honesty, should have been paying off credit card debt.
But I didn't.
Now I'm faced with ever mounting debt and no sale of my home in sight. Getting rid of the house would be a huge release of funds each month, as any of you with mortgages can testify to.
After we got engaged, I moved in with F. As it stands now? I'm a kept woman. I pay all the bills related to myself. My mortgage. My gas. My electric. My water. My car. My insurance. My massive amount of credit card debt. We trade off buying groceries, but he pays mortgage on "our" house. The gas. The electric. The water. The taxes. The insurance. The cable. The Internet. The wedding.
I hate it.
I hate every minute of it. Every minute of him paying for the cable. Every minute of him keeping a roof over my head. I hate not having the funds to contribute to the wedding. I hate feeling like I have to ask to turn the a/c on. I hate running the dishwasher because I know it adds to the water bill. Or taking more than one shower a day, because it adds to the water bill. I hate the stupid bickering we do over turning off the lights in the room that you'll be returning to in 2 mins anyway.
This is NOT where I'm suppose to be.
I'm suppose to be self sufficient. Self supporting.
I have a job after all. A good job, with good benefits.
And yet, here I am. In debt. And yes, I KNOW it's my own fault. I know I spent too many weekends buying shoes, and make-up and clothes and whatever else I felt I HAD TO HAVE. And now I'm paying for it. At 11% interest. Or 18%. Or 25%. It all depends on what credit card you're looking at. I know it's my fault. I get it.
I also get that it's become a vicious circle. I have to charge gas in order to get to work. Which just adds to the total. But I have to work in order to pay the credit card. I can't get ahead.
And this weekend, it all came to a head.
F is as hot to get rid of the house as I am. But he's willing to put my credit score in the toilet if need be. As much as I owe, I pay on time, so I still have a good rating. This route he wants to take would kill that in one strike of the pen. I realize he's trying to reduce the debt that will become combined once we get married. But I don't see that this route is the best.
And it makes me sick to my stomach to realize where I've ended up.
And it makes me on the verge of tears every minute of the day.
I screwed up my finances and I know it.
And I hate it.
And I don't know what to do about it.

2 comments:

Dabby said...

Ditto for me. Nothing makes me feel worse than thinking about how I totally managed to screw up my finances and the future implications of that. There's truly nothing more humiliating than asking my boyfriend to borrow $20 for gas because my checking account is already overdrawn and my credit cards are in no-man's land. It feels like a juggling act that I'm always on the verge of dropping. Ugh.

nicole said...

obviously money is a very personal issue, but, married or not, i don't think you should let him ruin the credit score that you've worked so hard to maintain. if (god forbid) something were to happen to F or something, it would be you on your own. And you couldn't apply for anything with his credit score, or any of that. i know it's easy sometimes to fall into that security of having another person to rely on. but, maybe i'm just too rational at times, i feel like as women we also have to remember to be prepared in case something goes wrong. and that we can take care of ourselves. i've also not done so well with my finances. not that i'm in a huge amount of debt necessarily, but i've gotten behind on things. and i HATE that i've been so irresponsible, and that now i have to dig myself out of that.