Bra Venting

So, I am one of those women have has a naturally large chest. This has been an issue for YEARS people, and I mean YEARS.  As a young girl, and I do mean YOUNG, child like even, I was the only one with a chest, you can only imagine the horror of that where the boys were concerned. HORROR. Throughout my middle school and high school years I was always leery of boys' interest in me. Did they like me for ME? or for my boobs?? This could be part of the reason why I never dated in high school. I just didn't trust the males. Of course SES telling me boys would only be interested in my boobs probably didn't help either. Anyway, buying bras has always been a trip down Painful and Boring Ave. Painful because finding a bra that would fit and HOLD me properly was kind of non-existent for a very long time. Boring because once you get beyond a  certain size all you find for color is Beige, or Nude, or White, or Off-White and on a really lucky day, Black.  Enter my discovery of Lane Bryant. COLOR! SIZES! SELECTION! PATTERNS! MATCHING PANTIES!! HEAVEN.  It is great.  In the beginning though LB's bra's were constantly giving me issue with the under wire. Without fail, the under wire would eventually pop out of the bra. In the front, on the side. And if you've ever had to go an entire day with a metal wire poking you in the chest or arm pit, you know this was far from fun. After a few years, they greatly improved, and I ceased to have a wire poking issue. Until recently. One of my newer bras popped through and started poking my arm pit. NOT COOL. So today I spent 15 minutes untangling the thread so that I could patch up the hole and wear the bra. 10 minutes after I got to work, the damn thing broke through the patch job and is currently making its presence known in my pit. WTF bra? WTF?
On a similar note I saw this article well, actually one similar, about the company making size L. I immediately went to their site, they are a U.K. company. I was greatly saddened to see that they only carry up to a certain "girth" size. I e-mailed them and asked if they made bigger sizes, because seriously, their bras were so PRETTY.  Basically, I was told that there was no demand for them, and until there was, they wouldn't be making them. Seriously???? I think they are missing a serious demographic here.  I would totally be willing to pay extra for their pretty SUPPORTIVE bras.
*la sigh*
If you are with me on this ladies, please e-mail the company and tell them there IS a demand!!!

MEN! GAH!!!

This morning while getting ready for work:

F: "DH?? DH where are you??"

Me: "I'm in the bathroom."

F:"Oh, well, I need to shave, so hurry up."

Me: "*sigh* fine."

I exit the "main" bathroom to allow F to shave and I head to the half bathroom to, ahem, finish my business.

TEN SECONDS later.................

F: "DH!!! DH!! Where ARE you???"

Me: *annoyed* "In.The.Bathroom."

F: "Well I'm out of shaving cream and mouthwash."

Me: "Fine. You know where the grocery list is." (it is located on the fridge, has been for the 5.5 years we've been together.)

F: "Oh.Well I was hoping you could go to Target."

Mind you, there is a Target 4.1 miles from HIS office. But I understand since it IS a WHOLE MILE further away than the one by my work (3.1 miles).
Now for the last 3 nights I've been getting home from work after 7pm. Last night I LEFT the office at 6:40pm. He knows this. He KNOWS I've been working on a huge project, AND YET, surely I can still go to Target to get shaving cream and mouthwash, mouthwash I might add that he didn't even WANT me to buy to begin with.
Why are boys so lazy when it comes to shopping? Why do boys always just assume that the job you have is wishy washy and SURELY you can go shopping on your lunch???

WTF dudes????
W.T.F.??

Unconscious Convos

In the wee hours of the morning F says to me: "DH? You awake?" as he reaches over and starts rubbing my breast.
Me: "Emph." (i was still half asleep)
F: "DH,You awake? Come over here so I can tell you something funny."
Me: "Wha?"
As he continues to rub my breast: "Come on over here so I can tell you something funny!!"

It is at this point where my sleep fogged brain starts to register that he's probably talking in his sleep. It also registers that it is not happy about being awake.

Me: "Are you even FUCKING AWAKE???"

F: "Yeah! Come on, come here so I can tell you something funny." He squeezes my breast.
Me: "F. Go back to SLEEP."
F: "Fine."

2 seconds later he is giggling in his sleep.

The next morning when I ask him and recount the conversation to him, he tells me I am crazy, that didn't happen. And if it DID then he was acting out his dream and I should have went along with it.

Yes, every girl's dream, to have unmemorable sex.

Traps Ahoy!

This morning F yells for me from the kitchen where he is  making breakfast. "DH!!!!!! GET HERE QUICK!!!!"
Considering the tone I hightail it across the house expecting to see blood. Instead? F hands me a half loaf of bread : "Look."
I stared at it for a moment before it sunk in. There were several large chunks missing from the tail end of the loaf.  I had to really focus in order to notice the large hole in the bag.
Me: "Motherfucker."
The damn mouse has made its way on to the counter top and has boldly taken to eating our bread. That means that the silverware I moved out of the drawer because it was pooping all over it, is still getting ran over by the damn mouse. The damn mouse who still pooped all over the silverware drawer even though there isn't any silverware or crumbs in it. F and I decided we would put all the non-eat-through proof food in a plastic container until this is resolved.
F has gone to get mouse traps.

Let's Recap The Last Week, Shall We??

• Friday the 21st, F's car begins to die while he's on his way home from work.
• Saturday the 22nd, we drop F's car off to be looked at. Later that afternoon they call us, $3,000 in repairs. We paid $3,600 for it not even 2 years ago. We call my mom who agrees to let us drive her car while she winters in the south. We can drive it just as soon as she re-instates the insurance on it.
• Monday the 24th. Mom instates the insurance. We pick the car up Monday night.
• Tuesday the 25th. I drive mom's car to work.
• Wednesday the 26th I drive mom's car to an appointment in the early morning and rear-end someone. I exchange information with the man involved(GIH=Guy I Hit). We agree to go to the police station separately. I call  my mother who assures me despite smashing her car, she still loves me. We take mom's car to the dealer where we are informed of my mother's $500 deductible. Great.
• Thursday morning I drive F to work. It is dark out and I am still rather skittish. That evening F gets a ride home from a co-worker. Where upon I am informed that his boss told him to take the company car and he refused despite the fact that I have a 7:40 AM appointment Friday morning. Bad planning F.
• Friday the 28th.  I get up at 5:30 AM in order to have time to take F to work and still make it to my appointment.  F drags his feet while reading Maxim in the bathroom. I barely make it my appointment. Brake lights continue to make me nervous.
• Saturday the 29th. F and I agree that after yet another appointment we would hit a home show. While leaving my appointment the GIH calls, says police says we must file report together. F and I ditch home show plans to go to station. GIH informs me that he Googled me and now knows where I work. WTF?   I received no ticket, am waiting for it to come in the mail.
• Sunday the 30th F and I are lazy and do not leave the house. F starts to empty the dishwasher and notices, MOUSE DROPPINGS. Really? AGAIN????????????????? F said he thought he had seen it on a late night water drinking trip, but couldn't be sure because he was half asleep.  We now we are sure. And the damn thing ate our BBQ brush AND the rubber wine cork stoppers. We re-washed everything. This just ticks me off. That night I notice that our "new" ceiling has a crack in it, and it's leaking.  Will this never end???
• Monday the 31st. It is mid-afternoon as I finally get around to checking my e-mail. I see a weird alert from Face Book saying I have a message titled, "Our Accident" WTF?  So, not only did GIH Google me? He found me on FB and left me this creeptastic message:

"Have a great day, Hope your mom or husband arnt to hard on you about the accident. Those things happen. Im cool with it! I don't know how to say this but I feel like the accident was suppose to happen for a reason! anyway you and "F"  have a great week. I'm praying for you guys. Are you two Christians? If I dont here from you two again I won't keep any further contact except for the accident if needed. You two seem like a great couple! Add me as a friend if you like, if not I understand as we really dont know each other. "

Time stamped? Several hours AFTER we met up at the police station on Saturday. If he's just being nice, fine, but honestly, it creeps me out. Seriously. Needless to say I'm keeping the message, JIC.
F called me. He went to pick up our van and as he was driving away the breaks semi-went out. Really? The place said they could fix them for like a Grand more. Um, not happenin. (I just told F GIH's message, he said, "Oh thank him for his kind words! We can be friends if you want to!" Not the response I was expecting.)
Major snowstorm is hitting the mid-west. Great. Like I need to add snow on top of my driving issues.
2011, What's the deal with the sucking? A month in, and you're killin me already. NOT COOL.

My Streak Has Ended

For the first time ever in my life, I dialed 9-1-1. Yep, that's right. 911.  This is something I think all of us hope they never have to do. Or least hope you never have to do on your own behalf or the behalf of someone you know.  I dialed on my own behalf. 
Fender Bender. Well, actually, more like Rear Ender. And I hate to say it, but I was the rear-er, not the rear-ee.
No I was NOT on my cell.
However, just as pathetic, I was on my GPS. To a location I know only too well. Honestly, people, I feel like such a dolt. My GPS was "Recalculating" and it threw me, because there was no need to recalculate. I knew this route. GPS knew this route. So I was messing with it and when I looked up 2 seconds later, traffic had come to a STANDSTILL. I saw the ever looming back end of the car in front of me and I knew, at my speed I wasn't going to be able to stop in time. I slammed on the breaks, which lessened the impact, the airbags didn't deploy. The person I hit pulled into a parking lot. I followed. Everything was so surreal.
Me:"OMG. Are you ok??"
Guy I Hit: "Yes, you?"
Me: "Just a heart attack."
He chuckled.
My Van's front end was mushed all to heck and back.
GIH: "I guess the handicap mount for the wheel chair took most of the hit." (i saw no wheel chair mount, but ok) Do you have a cell phone?"
Me: "Do you know the number to the police? Or should I just dial 9-1-1??"
GIH: "Um just dial 9-1-1."

People, I have never, EVER had to do this before. 36.5 years old and I have never had to call the cops. I think that is pretty amazing. Have I been in accidents before? Yes. Twice I was clipped on the back. The first time it was not my fault and since I was young, and he was young, we agreed to not call the cops. The second time I was clipped, I felt it wasn't my fault, but the other guy said I pulled out in front of him. I swear to God the guy was not there when I pulled out and considering where he hit me, the very back tail of my truck, it was his fault. That time the cops were called, I'm not sure by who since I didn't have a cell then. I don't even remember if my insurance went up. I don't even remember if I got points on my license. I do remember paying the $270 ticket. Since the police didn't come this time, it is up to me and GIH to go to the station and file a report. The cops said since no one was injured, they didn't have to come. Filing this report is the last thing I'm looking forward to doing.
The absolute WORST part of it? It was my mom's car.  My mom's car that I wouldn't let F drive because he backed it into the house with it and then thought because it was my mom, we didn't need to have it fixed. Uh, no. So I was driving it. We were borrowing it because our van began to die and since my mom is wintering in the south, she didn't need it.  It was the second day I was driving it. TWO DAYS after my mom, great woman that she is, put the insurance back on it, I get in an accident. I feel so incredibly low about it. As though I can't be trusted with the family car.  It is even worse because it was totally preventable. I didn't slide on black ice, or in the snow, I allowed myself to be distracted.  I would like to point out however, that part of the problem is that F won't let me mount the GPS on the window like you are suppose to. Instead, it is propped up down in the ashtry. So I have to looke DOWN at it. If I had been looking UP at it, I think I may have seen this coming and been able to react better. (moving past me being petty..........NOW.)
My body is starting to complain. I am especially tender where the seat belt crossed my chest. Where I also happened to have a hair clip attached to my shirt.  No bruising, yet.  Just real achy. It is my punishment for my bad behavior. I deserve this. The second her car is fixed, it is going back into her garage, where it belongs. This accident has propelled F and I to the decision to go ahead and get our van fixed and hope to hell it last for at least a few more years.
Like I told my mom, who assured me via e-mail that she "still loves" me, this makes up for me not wrecking the family car when I was teen. Right?  RIGHT??

This ad isn't so funny anymore. Let me tell ya.

Hotel, Motel, Holiday Inn……….

We made it back with our marriage intact. Can someone please tell me, and I know I’ve asked this before, but what in HELL is it with men wanting to have sex EVERYWHERE??? Seriously, your parent’s house, in your mom’s bed = CREEPY & GROSS. And when I tell you that in order to have sex we must go to a hotel, that DOES NOT mean going over to one of your buddies’ houses. END OF DISCUSSION. Oh, and telling them I put in place a condition concerning where we can have sex? NOT COOL.


Anyway, FIL was, well, FIL. Day One brought a comment to F about a friend of his that has been unemployed since just before his wedding 8 months ago, “Yes, he is FAT now, just like YOU.” Aww, can you feel the love yet people???

Honestly, that was pretty much it for the comments; that I heard anyway. Who knows what was said in the Homeland language. FIL is apparently disgruntled that F has not lived in the house for ten years now, reminding F of this when telling him to shut up about the fact that there was a plumbing issue in the downstairs bathroom. FIL was livid that F took it upon himself to contact a plumber to take care of the problem and the cost. SHAME ON HIM. Especially when said problem can be fixed by adding a mixture of baking soda and vinegar!

  And no, we are NOT allowed to buy MIL a new mattress!!! (in case you haven't figured it out, MIL and FIL have separate bedrooms.) FIL will pay for it! And also take off on his own to do so leaving everyone standing in their coats in the living room wondering what just happened. Yes, he drove off without F, or MIL or the friend and the van we borrowed to transport the mattress in. F was so pissed off when he came back that to this day I have not asked him what transpired at Sam's Club. (the place we got the mattress from, sorry, the place FIL got the mattress from.)

FIL also refused, REFUSED to attend Christmas Dinner at W's (F's brother). As MIL and I were putting on our shoes, MIL said something to him in the Homeland language. Oddly enough, he answered her in English;  "I'm not going to that STUPID thing." Yes, Christmas dinner at his son's house, is STUPID.  Baby Jesus really did weep. I swear.  W called F while we were on the way there, I of course only heard one side of the conversation, I'm sure you can closely guess what the other side was:

F: "We're on our way." (we were late, through no fault of mine I'd like to point out!) *pause* "Me, DH and Mom."  *pause*  "I don't know W."   *pause*   "You're asking the wrong person W."  *pause* "Ok, we'll pick that up."   So on Christmas day we stopped to pick up OJ and Lemon juice (which they had none) so F had to call W back.  "W. They don't have lemon juice, do you want me to get two OJ's?   *pause*  "Ok."  *pause*  "I don't know......No, I don't know why he isn't answering his cell phone or the house phone W."  *pause*  "You'll have to ask him that. I'm sorry." 

END



As for MIL. She broke the rule and bought me Christmas presents. Seriously people, I know she means well, but this is crazy. No means no. F had a fit when I told him she got me stuff and then she was all “You Just HAD to tell him, didn’t you???” OMG. She has gotten better at picking stuff, but she just can’t seem to get it through her head that just because it is “my size” doesn’t mean it is going to fit.

Two different pairs of Frilly PJ's, not that bad actually

Wallet, on a string



I may have actually kept this if it wasn't fire engine red

A 3/4 length WINTER robe. Barely came past my knees



With FAUX FUR trim



This is the Pie plate and knife I kept.

  F also got several shirts and a sweater. I think they all got left there, because I don't recall washing them. F made the mistake of mentioning that he wants a new knife set. One magically appeared from the basement, where all sale items are kept until they are doled out.  While I was unpacking his suitcase I found two more. That MIL is sneaky.
 She and I hit the after Christmas sales, where once again she was determined to buy me something. We went to Dress Barn because I knew they would have some sale stuff. I handed her 2 shirts to hold while I continued to look around. When I was ready to go, I asked her for said blouses, "Ok, I'm ready to go" I said reaching out for the hangers.  As I tried to take them, I was meet with resistance. "May I please have my shirts?" I questioned puzzled, and kind of annoyed because I knew what was about to go down.
"No."
"Um, please." I said tugging on them.
"No." she replied flatly as her grip tightened around the hangers.
I quite literally stumbled backwards and tripped and fell over the stool where you sit to try on shoes. She didn't even crack a smile.  Or help me up.
"Fine. let's go then." I said getting up.
"Ok. I'll pay for this, you pay for those."
I tried one last time at the register, " But, see, I have a coupon I want to use."
"Then give it to me. I'll use it."
Seriously, she was so very determined that she was going to BUY ME something. But it wasn't like she was happy about it, you know?? Like she was doing it grudgingly. Which maybe she was. I have no idea.
As we were leaving the store, I looked at her, and said "Thank You, you really do not have to buy me anything."
She did that little head nod of hers in agreement.
"And this is the deal, everything else, EVERYTHING else must go back,understand?"
She blinked at me me from behind her glasses, "Even the pie plate?"
"Well, ok, I'll kept the pie plate(how cute is the pie plate after all?).........And the knife, F wants a new knife."
Head shake.
Then I made the mistake of mentioning that I wanted to get a new coat. This then culminated into yet ANOTHER shopping trip, one on which I dragged F along.  I found a coat but it was a tad tight so I passed on purchasing it. She was determined, yet again, that a coat for me was her new buying mission. I am not joking when I say that she was visibly disgusted with me when I gave up the hunt for a new coat. She even asked me several times through out the rest of our time there if I really was done looking for a coat.  And was disappointed each time I said Yes.  Her disappointment only grew when I pretty much out right refused some jewelry she insisted I take. "What is the point of having girls in the house (T and myself) if I can't buy and give them things?" If I trusted T more, I would ask to see what it is she has gotten over the years. But I fear that would get back to MIL so I'm keeping my peace. People, I'm telling you, this is stuff she dug out of a drawer somewhere. One piece, F even thinks is the one we brought back for her from the Homeland.  They got left in the dresser. A necklace and earring set she gave me last time has stones missing and you can see a rather large glob of glue where the "peril" was glued on the setting.

Things were so stressful for F that several days before we were scheduled to leave, he said he was ready to be back home.  He told me in no uncertain terms that the next time we go Back East, we are NOT staying at his parents' house. That we would in fact being staying at a Hotel (so my vote!) or with one of his buddies (so more likely). I feel bad for him because I can tell he feels horrible about having to make that call about his parents and he feels guilty for not being able to get along with FIL. I suggested that maybe it would be better if we make the trip shorter as well. He agreed.

We will of course see how long his memory is when Christmas comes around again this year.

Ring In Already!!!

We are currently on the road heading Back East to visit with the Outlaws for the holidays.
I'm sure I'll have something to tell when I get back.
10 days can't be completely uneventful, right???
In the mean time, have a great Christmas and a fabulous New Year!!!!
Come on 2011!!!!!!!!!

Um, Yeah

F has placed my present under the tree. Do not be fooled by its size, or anything else for that matter.

So, This box with Painter's tape? My present.

 It could be empty for all I know, or filled with my own clothes.

FedUP *Updated*

I ordered F's Christmas presents online from Franklin Covey. I ordered them back on the 9th. They shipped on the 9th as you can see.  What's killing me is that they've been sitting at the FedEx warehouse TWO TOWNS over for the last FOUR DAYS. They were suppose to be deliver on the 17th to my work, which I figured would be easier, since we are here all day. When I left at 6pm on Friday night, NOTHING.
FEDEX, WTF??? FOUR DAYS to go like 20miles?? SERIOUSLY????



Detailed Results Notifications Tracking no.: [redacted] E-mail notifications



Arrived at FedEx location


FEDEX SMARTPOST [redacted] Shipment Dates


Ship date Dec 9, 2010


Destination


Shipment Facts Help Service typeFedEx SmartPost


Weight1.1 lbs/.5 kg


StatusPieces Date/Time Status



All shipment travel activity is displayed in local time for the location




No entries found
 Date/TimeActivityLocationDetails:
Dec 14, 2010 10:02 PMArrived at FedEx locationFEDEX SMARTPOST [redacted] (TWO TOWNS OVER)
Dec 13, 2010 3:32 PMDeparted FedEx locationFEDEX SMARTPOST NEW BERLIN, WI
Dec 13, 2010 4:23 AMArrived at FedEx locationFEDEX SMARTPOST NEW BERLIN, WI
Dec 11, 2010 2:10 AMDeparted FedEx locationFEDEX SMARTPOST DENVER, CO
Dec 10, 2010 3:37 PMArrived at FedEx locationFEDEX SMARTPOST DENVER, CO
Dec 10, 2010 3:03 AMDeparted FedEx locationFEDEX SMARTPOST SALT LAKE CITY, UT
Dec 10, 2010 12:06 AMArrived at FedEx locationFEDEX SMARTPOST SALT LAKE CITY, UT



*****I put in the WRONG ADDRESS people!!! FedEx sent it back to the post office (huh?) on the 18th. The Post Office is so on top of things, they sent it back THIS MORNING. So If I had figured this out earlier, I may have saved it and myself.  They are canceling the order, re-ordering and now, because I'm a butt head, instead of the deal I originally was getting, FREE SHIPPING, I'm now paying $8 to have it expedited!! It should be here by Wednesday. Keep your fingers crossed!!!**********

Thanks-giving Me a Stress Twitch

I opted to Adult Up and host Thanksgiving this year. After the first year I did it, and almost killed my then BF (now hubs) my family was a little skittish. I assured them that there would be no repeat of a death match. All would be well, I had it all under control. Turkey? BAG, no basting required, painless.  Martha Stewart was providing the mashed potato recipe(somewhat doctored by me). Real Simple was providing a REAL SIMPLE green bean with bacon vinaigrette recipe. Mom provided the stuffing recipe, and the apple pie recipe. The grocery store provided the brown and serve rolls. "I GOT THIS" was my mantra. F insisted on coming along to do the grocery shopping. It is times like these that I wish he was as uninvolved in the kitchen as most husbands are.  I had a list that he keep wanting to deviate from, annoying. Then he insisted that he would go get all the fruit and vegetables because he a) knows better and more importantly (to him) b) he could get it cheaper at the fruit market. FINE.
I had the day before thanksgiving off. My PREP Day. I had at least 4 items I planned on checking off my list that day.  And that went downhill the minute I over slept. Until 11:30am. Yeah. Guess I needed it. I got up, showered and strapped on my "apron". One of F's old dress shirts with the sleeves removed. Hey, what can I say? When you've got the boobs I've got, you need more coverage that the average apron.  And I was OFF! to the couch to watch TV while I peeled and cored apples for the pie. If you bake apple stuff? Or any good sized fruit that requires peeling; You NEED one of these:

Time Saver!!

Then I went on to make the pie crusts, my second attempt only at making pie crust, ever! My brother laughed at me when I called about the crumb topping recipe, "Aren't you like 36? and you've never made pie crust before?"  Apple pie crust came out pretty well! I filled it with the apples and placed it in the freezer downstairs since the fridge was FULL. I moved on to the chocolate pie. At the rate I was going I knew I could still get the potatoes done and in the crock pot for the next day where they would just be warmed up through out the day. SCORE! Less stress baby!!!
Um, yeah. Not so much.
Being my mother's daughter I was all about making everything possible from scratch. The pie crusts, the potatoes, etc. I placed the second pie crust in the oven and while that baked I started the COOKED pudding, not INSTANT. My timing was near on PREFECT! Pudding finished just moments before the crust! Another SCORE! I was in my happy place! I could do it all bitches!! I was contemplating making dinner before F got home from work as well! I was feeling that good about my progress.
Pudding was cooling on the back of the stove. Pie crust was removed and placed on top of the stove.
And that is when it all fell apart.



PING! PING! PING! Yes, those are the sounds of glass pie plate hitting glass top stove

 



Amazingly I had the presence of mind to take pictures for you

 

My mother insisted I could NOT just place the crust in a new pie plate

Apparently, from what SIL who works for a glass company told me later at Christmas dinner, the minuscule drop of milk that was on the stove top created a vacuum with the glass pie plate which caused it to break. (yes I saw the milk droplet and thought nothing of it). At 4:30pm the night before Thanksgiving I found myself at the grocery store. OMG. What a crazy place!!! I raced down the aisle picking up things I had forgotten. I almost cried when the shelf where I purchased the two pie plates two weeks (at TWICE THE COST!!) before were EMPTY.  I had made up my mind to skip it and just use the metal pan I had at home when I saw a kindly looking employee. She assured me that there were more pie plates! But just WHERE, now that's the question??????? My heart sank again as she took to the meat section of the store. WHAT?? Who places a pie making display in the meat aisle!!!???
I stood in line with everyone else in town, the express lane was not so express.  I rushed home to start again on the crust. By now it was after 5.  The crust? Went in the trash. The two recipes are right next to each, one for two 8in pies and one for two 10in pies. I got them crossed and didn't add enough Crisco. TRASHED.
Things were going downhill fast. I still hadn't riped up and seasoned the bread so it could stale overnight. The potatoes were still in the bag. I started a fresh crust. It was super thin, but I was tired and hadn't had any dinner, so I patched it together, literally, and stuck it in the oven. By now the pudding was beyond set and cold. Lovely. Thankfully F had seen the need and started in on the bread for the stuffing.  When it came time to put the pudding in the crust, there wasn't enough pudding. The pudding was a good inch lower then the edge of the pie crust. It looked bad. Luckily I found a box of instant pudding in the cupboard, that however only brought the level up sightly.  I was on the verge of tears as F stated, "Just go to the store and get another one." He apparently has never been to the grocery store the night before Thanksgiving. Or made cooked pudding. I refused to go. I was done. I was giving in. Admitting defeat. I covered the pie and found room in the fridge for it.  I was dead on my feet. I couldn't think. I knew there was no way I could do the potatoes without staying up until midnight. It was already nine.  I cleaned up the kitchen, threw a few decoration up and called it night.
I figured getting up at 8 would give me plenty of time to do the potatoes, and green beans and get the turkey in the oven. I got up at 7:30. I should have gotten up at 6. Maybe even earlier.  I had read my mom's directions as closely as I should have, because I COMPLETELY missed the time line for making the stock.

Her exact directions: "(...)TURKEY neck, heart, giblets to pot and simmer for 1 hour - DO NOT boil.
you can make it a day ahead or VERY EARLY on Thanksgiving morning; keep simmering on stove ALL day so you can use it to moisten stuffing that's in crock pot while it cooks. may need more water or broth as day goes on."
I completely missed the whole ONE HOUR, and VERY EARLY. Yeah. PANIC. I called on F to help, "I'm SEVERAL hours behind, I need your help!! Please do the potatoes! The directions are on the fridge."
And by " Do the potatoes" I meant mash them and add all the ingredients and put them in the crock pot to keep warm. F started reading the recipe, completely failing to notice that that morning that I had already peeled and cut them. I see him dump the cooked potatoes out and start rinsing them.
 "What are you doing?"
 "It says they need to cool enough so I can rub the peels off (oh Martha, really? REALLY?) and then cut them up."
"F, look at them, they are already peeled and cut. Just mash them and add the stuff."
He looks at me, looks at the recipe, and starts to walk away, leaving the potatoes in the strainer.
"What are you doing NOW?????"
"They can cool, then I'll mash them later."
"No. Mash them, Now Please. They are easier to mash when hot (i have no idea if that is true.)."
"Fine."
"You'll probably have to do them in the crock pot."
Somewhere along the line he had add water to the crock pot. I had no idea how truly clueless he was about making real mashed potatoes.
He mashes the potatoes and starts to walk away again.
"You're done already???"
"Yeah, about 2 I'll add the stuff in and turn them on for dinner."

Mind you, at this point it is probably closing in on noon.

"Um, no. You need to do it now."
"It can wait, Trust me."
"No, it CANNOT wait. Dinner is at 3, do you really think they'll heat all the way back up in an hour??????"
"We can turn it on High." (his answer for any cooking temp, I swear to god.)
"F. PLEASE just do as I ask, OK?"
Grudgingly he complies.
I won't even go into the issues and arguments he gave me about making the stuffing. BREAD stuffing, something he has NEVER made in his life, and yet he KNEW how to do it!! (sarcasm in case you missed it) And then he questioned my brother when he arrived because he refused to believe I knew what I was talking about.
Long story short? I under estimated how long the turkey needed to cook. At 2 o'clock the timer still read 2 hours cooking time left. We were suppose to eat at 3.
At 2 o'clock when family started to arrive I was still in my yoga pants and a Renaissance Festival T-shirt.
At 2 o'clock when SES (martha stewart jr) arrived, I immediately put her to work making the Real Simple Green Beans with Bacon Vinaigrette recipe which was to be served cold, but only the beans, not the vinaigrette. Which was also cold, when we ate 2 hours later.
At 2 o'clock the apple pie was still frozen solid. I forgot to take it out of the freezer in the morning. I had planned to cook it in a HOT oven while we ate dinner. I was of course PETRIFIED that putting an extremely cold glass dish in a hot oven would result in yet another pie plate disaster (see pics above). I realized I could set it on a trivet on top of the hot stove to thaw.  It worked, mostly.
At 3:30 we decided that the turkey meet the temperature requirement and ES_BIL started to carve away. He hit pink meat close to the rib cage. Luckily we had enough cooked meat to feed everyone. The mashed potatoes were watery because I had put the lid on the crock pot to keep the heat in, and the condensation dripped back down into the potatoes. Who knew?
F forgot the salad and had to run out minutes before dinner and buy some.
So let's re-cap shall we?
Broken pie plate setting the schedule back by several hours.
Under cooked turkey.
Frozen apple pie.
Cold veggie dressing that was suppose to  be hot.
Watery potatoes.
Forgotten side dish.
Argumentative husband(when he wasn't being helpful.)
Me on verge of nervous breakdown to the point that ES keep rubbing my back telling it will all be ok and they didn't care if we ate an hour later.
The problem chocolate pudding pie crust? Tasteless.

At least my table was pre-set and looked pretty.



We went to four different stores before we found that table cloth at Khol's
 where we started


Oh, and no one got sick from under cooked food.
Amen.

Commerialism at Its Best

We hosted Thanksgiving, a post unto itself, which I will bore you with later, so we had to clean the house.
As you know, F and I have been caught in a bad dream of home improvement. It is finally finished, although true to his word, you can see the bumping all along the ceiling where he added more drywall compound to cover over the tape. I'm not really sure if I was wrong to insist you aren't suppose to see the tape, or if he was wrong in how he "fixed" it, I just know it is noticeable, and I want to cry every time I look up. Anyway, you can imagine the amount of dust and dirt that had collected on the floor and walls and everywhere.  So this was a massive cleaning project. The Contractor use our floor lamp since there was no light hanging from the ceiling (yes, this was my first red flag). Between what he did and what F had done, this floor lamp was filthy. Because of the type of lamp it is, it captured much debris in its "shade".


Very similar to this, debris catching "shade"

 It was F's job to clean it. 

F: "Where are the Clorox wipes?"
Me: "What do you need those for? Its a lamp."
F: "Because! It Cleans AND Sanitizes!!!!"

Yep, that marketing team sure hit home with my spouse.

Checkin' It Twice.....

Since so many men say they can’t read minds, including my husband, I put together a list of potential Christmas presents. I was trying to be helpful, especially because he told me rather recently that he never knows what to get me. (Despite the fact that I supply him a list each year.)


Here is the e-mail exchange AFTER he received and reviewed my list:

E-mail from F: “Subject: I take it that this is your xmas list?”

My response: “Yes”

His response: “Wow that is some list… not too sure about #1… nope to #2… maybe to #3…. Yes to #4, #5, #6 and absolutely surprised about #7… what if I already bought you something, should I take it back???”

Here is the list he is referring to:

1) A puppy(seriously, I am ready for a dog.)

2) Steak Dinner at [redacted] Steak House (high end steak place I’ve been dying to try)

3) Go see the Mary Poppin’s play in [redacted]

4) Go see The Nut Cracker somewhere

5) Adaptor for my CD player

6) A new bathrobe (I also asked for this last year, I got a digital camera instead)

7) Digital Video camera (if he is willing to buy a regular camera, why not a video camera??)


My response: “Why NO to #2?????

Of course you don't have to take it back. Of course you can use the list to ADD to it.....................”

His response: “#2 is not a gift… it’s something we can do as a dinner for ourselves…(ok, sweet, I’ll give him that. Now if it actually happens, that will be monumental) Will think about it…”



Ok, cool, that he thinks it is a dinner we can do together, but I’ve been telling him I want to go there for a year now. We still have not gone. Now I’m dying to see what I get. Did he really already get me something?? The suspense is going to kill me!

Last year in order to throw me off, he wrapped up two of his dirty t-shirts and placed them under the tree. You can imagine my surprise and confusion when I opened those.
He thought it was a great joke.

His mother, however, did not.

Is This For Real???

"Adulthood sucks...why, yes, yes it does. DH, that's why we'd like to invite you to become one of our Authors in Alexandria. You may mirror your existing posts from here or elsewhere or produce original posts there, on anything you wish, as you desire. For your contributions and participation we will blogroll you with no reciprocation required. See our Guidelines for Authors for full details. Come contribute your perspectives and opinions to the ongoing conversations there or, even better, start some new - and different - ones of your own. Contact us through the site for full invitations and instructions."

Really? I have 30 followers (love everyone of you!!) but I really don't see how that qualifies as mass appeal. I could be wrong. They may be in dire need of something to pass the time in Alexandria. Where I am not located????? I, well, hmmm. I'm tempted to be like The Bloggess and mess with them. (see Thief? that's how you give someone credit for their work.) But I just don't have it in me at the moment.

I've Been Stolen!!!!

So, um, yeah. I was just looking through some of the Blogger Dashboard stuff and they have all kinds of stats. One thing tells you where you've been "reference". Except, I wasn't referenced, I was stolen. My Post. Almost WORD FOR FREAKING WORD. Can you believe it?? Seriously?? The Thief couldn't even be bothered to give me a little credit for my cut and paste skillz!!!??? He even used MY TITLE for the post.
Dude, you know who you are, and you know it isn't cool. I don't care if you leave it up, just give me credit for my "work".

An Open Letter

Dear Target,

You used to be my Mecca, my Nirvana, my haven of easy finds and great sales. That has come to an end. At first, it was just one or two things that disappeared. I could no longer find a great purse that someone my age could get away with. Then all your shoes grew their heels super high and I could no longer wear them. These things I found elsewhere, while I would still glance through those aisle in hopes that maybe things had gone back to what they were. To no avail. Then other thing started disappearing from your shelves. Curling irons, this didn’t matter until I needed one. Then my face powder, then my eyeliner. And hairspray. And shampoo. And gel. I was forced to find these items from other merchants. This brought me no joy. My complete beauty routine had vanished from your well lite aisles. Save for one last piece, my hair coloring product. I could easily pluck my new found color from the bright aisle of yellow and green boxes. Until now. Now, nothing. Every color BUT mine. I check the manufacture’s website, they still make my Sweet Latte’, Dark Beige Blonde. #72. You just don’t seem to carry it.

What is the deal Target?? Why have all my shades and colorings gone from your walls? F thinks I’m crazy when once in a while I actually FIND my shade of face powder and I BUY THEM ALL. Yes, 3 or 4 of them at a time. This is how extremely rare these finds are. I’ve completely given up on my eyeliner.

Why do you deny me? Do you want me to not feel somewhat pretty? Or is my coloring just that popular that you can’t keep it stocked?? Small thing I actually remember from my horrid semester in Econ, SUPPLY and DEMAND. Your supply is not meeting my DEMAND.

Please rectify this IMEDIATELY.

I miss you.

But I am terribly upset and disappointed with you.



Discolored,



Devil’s Heaven

Minus The Ears

 I went and was fitted for my elephant face, minus the ears of course.  I was a few minutes early to my fitting appointment with David, my own personal on-call-but-please-don't-call-me support tech. I was willing to wait, especially after he made this proclamation to me: "Sorry if my breath smells weird, I just had shrimp for lunch." And oddly enough, I could smell that fishy smell the minute I walked in. So glad to have it explained away. I would have waited for him to get a mint to make it GO AWAY though.  David was very careful to tell me he'd sanitized his hands before he began touching my elephant trunk and nose. Of course I'm not sure that really helped after he said to me: "Sorry about the sniffling, my allergies are really bothering me."

This kid was a barrel of one liners. He was visibly and verbally surprised by my proficiency in placing the nose contraption on my head; "WOW. Most people don't figure it out right away."  Ummm, maybe you need to review the patient/tech privacy handbook there David.

There was a ton of paper work to be filled out, and David ASSURED me that he would call me within "48 to 72 hours to see how you are doing."  It has been over a week now and David has not called to check up on me, or to fill me in on the re-ordering process for the gel nose piece and it's cover. Guess I'll have to do the calling myself.

Anyhoodle, is what I came home with:

The face mask AKA the elephant nose and trunk



The "Machine"



The full contraption, assembled and ready to go



"So Comfortable...You might forget you're wearing it"
 TOTAL LIE.

I forgot to take a picture of the Sporty carrying bag. I'll have to take it out of the closet and snap a pic for ya'll.

Things I Learned From PANDORA.com

THREE WHOLE verses of KNOCK KNOCK KNOCKIN' on HEAVEN'S DOOR
Could this song be any darker and death-y??

Subjugation seems like a mighty big word for a song with THREE WHOLE VERSES of the same FIVE words over and over again.
I'm just sayin........

Just Call Me Babar

I hadn't heard from either my Dr's office or the Sleep Clinic in two weeks, so I called my Dr. They had my results, but were unable to open them, computer related crap, blah blah blah, we'll get back to you.  A few days pass, and they call with the results, SEVERE sleep apnea. And I can tell you it must be VERY severe because the nurse who called paused and then STRESSED the word SEVERE. I think she even said it a few times. For effect. So basically, yeah, I'm close to death when I sleep from lack of breathing. SWEET.

Not an hour later, the sleep clinic was calling to make sure they get my Medically Insured Reimbursed business. I go in the next few days for my training and to pick up my C-PAP machine with its ""very convent and sporty duffel bag for easy transportation."

 YES. SPORTY.  What more can a girl ask for??

The Elephant.....





And it's trunk



And the Nose

This thing can have its own PILLOW??? Oh brother.



Am I wrong here people???



Do you see it? I'll look like I'm wearing an ELEPHANT'S FACE




Forced Air Breathing

Sleep study is done. Surprise! I have Sleep Apnea. I haven't gotten the full diagnosis from my actual doctor, but the Sleep Tech was rather impressed with my lack of breathing.
It took a good hour to fill out all the paper work and for my Sleep Tech to attached all the electrodes to my head. When she was done I kind of looked like the Queen Borg with all the wires coming off my head.

I of course still had my hair

I was completely exhausted when I arrived at the sleep clinic, and so of course I assumed I would have no problem falling asleep in the nice big bed I was going to have all to myself, in the nice dark and quiet room I would also have all to myself. Yeah, not so much. The mass of wires attached to not only my head, but my face and legs as well, was less than easy to sleep with. There was a nose piece in my nose that had another piece hanging from in case I began breathing through my mouth. It kept stabbing my upper lip. The tangling and rolling over and the leds poking me in my face, not so comfortable. I think I finally managed to fall a sleep around midnight only to wake up and become horribly antsy at 1 am.  My legs were spazing out. I couldn't get comfortable, I was about to freak the hell out when I decided it might help if I went to the bathroom.  That of course was no small task. And something I needed help doing.  I lay still in the dark room and timidly called out to my Sleep Tech, "Hello????"
Over the intercom she answers, "Do you need to use the restroom?"
"yes" I responded feeling foolish.
She came to my room and unhooked the mass of wires from the main thing they were plugged into, and slung the mini board around my neck.  Going to the restroom? Not at all graceful. I had wires down my sleep shorts which were connected to my legs, I had all the others from my head and face slung around my neck and an oxygen monitor on one of my fingers. AWK.WARD.
I shuffled back into the room where the Sleep Tech was waiting for me. "I'm going to put the C-PAP mask on you now."

His is too big for his face, but yeah

The head straps there went under all the wires that were coming out of my head.  It forces air in. Making it harder for you to stop breathing.  I thought I might need the full face mask:



This one covers your nose AND your mouth, talk about Darth Vader

 Did I mention that I had taken a sleeping pill after the Sleep Tech tucked me in the first time? Well I did. And then a mere 4 hrs later I took another half of a sleeping pill.  If was after that half that sleep FINALLY over took me. I was zonked out. At 6 AM my Sleep Tech came woke me via intercom. I was so incredibly out of it, I had to use  my GPS to drive to my mom's. A route I take on a DAILY BASIS.  My plan was to maybe nap for an hour or so and then get ready for work. I slept really hard for 2 hours. When I emerged from my old bedroom my mom looked at me and proclaimed, "You look SO MUCH better than when you got here!!!"
Thanks mom.
So, talk about sexy eh?? You know you want one of these too!

Well at least after I get this contraption F and I can sleep in the same room again. ALL NIGHT instead of just part of the night.

YAY BABY.