....We learn as Children and Don’t Even Realize It
Over the course of the last few years, I’ve come to realize that many of the rules and habits and well, hot button items I have can be traced directly back to my childhood, and more specifically; my mother. It’s always the mother’s fault, right? I’m not blaming her; I want to make that clear. I recognize now how extremely hard it had to be to be on her own for the first time in her life, left to raise 4 children after my father passed away at the age of 46. As I spend time with F, I can’t possibly imagine losing him at 46. It really scares me.
However, that is not today’s topic. Today is about me, and my Crazy, and how I’m coming to recognize where it stems from. She was a, no, IS good mother, and I love her dearly, especially now, with the wedding. God bless her and her non-meddling self. There are things that drive me nuts, pull my hair out crazy. Things I learned from my mom, rules, house rules, life rules, that if broken; send me over the edge. You use a knife to spread butter, jelly, or what have you on your bread. Not a spoon. You do not place cold water in a hot pan, or a hot pan in cold water, it will warp it. You do not pour hot grease down the sink. It’ll plug it. You do not use a baking spatula to fry eggs, or turn meat in a hot pan; you use a flipper, or a pancake turner, as some call it. A baking spatula will melt from the heat. You use a step out towel for the shower so the floor doesn’t get wet. Everything must be put away in Tupperware or baggies, after a meal. Nothing is left in the pan it was made it, and then placed in the fridge. If you take something out, put it back where you got it. (This one actually comes from my dad and his tools.) When I tell you not to do something, you don’t continue to do it, especially if it’s something you are doing to me. I should not have to explain myself, No means No. This last one, oh how I remember the frustration and hurt and anger in my mother’s voice when my father would continue to torment her after she told him to stop. I’m not stupid because I am a woman. Do not treat me like a child. This one is more recent. This one stems from the relationship my mother has with her current boyfriend, of 20+yrs. I could see it in her face before she would even say it, I can still see it in her face sometimes when F and I are bickering. She thinks that he thinks we don’t know what we are talking about because we are women.
It’s an odd realization to discover your feelings are that of your mother. To stop and say, I feel this way because I saw how my mother felt when XYZ happened to her. I was talking to my cousin about relationships last year, she’s a psychologist. And I told her how crazy it makes me when F does things “wrong” i.e. using a spoon as opposed to a knife.
She laughed, “I do that too. It’s the Family Crazy. We get it from our mothers. So when I feel the Family Crazy coming on, I try to say to myself, ‘this is the Family Crazy that’s making me feel this way, using a spoon really isn’t going to hurt anything.’”
I was amazed. She knew exactly what I was talking about. When I mentioned it to my mother? “Yes, I can see that.”
So now, I try to get a hold on the Family Crazy. It’s not easy. Many times I just can’t understand why F doesn’t just follow the “rules”. To me, it makes sense. Makes things ordered and easier, especially when/if there are kids.
Seriously, he’d be able to find his wallet if he just put back where he got it from!