F Gets Pissed In His Sleep

"God Damn it Woman! Shut the FUCK up Already!!!!!!"


He can't remember if it was directed at me or not, "But it probably was."

Really Pushing the Line

Spirit Airlines. They keep pushing it with their nasty and inappropriate ads. Seriously, I would block them if they didn't have such great deals. I do have a sense of humour, don't get me wrong, but they need to know when too much is just too much. And I am just totally done hearing about this.

Red Means Go is much better at expressing the disappointment though.

I wish I had thought faster when I took their "survey" this morning, which was so totally slanted about paying more for checking in at the airport, it was totally worthless.  Ah well.

Time Line Spiral

Easter Weekend



F leaves to go Back East to visit the Outlaws for Easter. I am left home alone to fend for myself. Our very expensive Anderson Screen door has been trouble since day one. The door closer hydraulic thingie comes unscrewed and the door commences to slamming shut. I find the screws and reattach it, fixing the issue. It took me maybe 15 minutes.



- - - - A WEEK LATER- - - - -

The door closer hydraulic thingie comes unscrewed AGAIN. F swears and curses the name of Very Expensive Anderson Screen Door Company. I inform him of my fixing it while he was gone. He blinks at me. The door closer hydraulic thingie remains hanging from the door for at least a week. I ask when he’s going to fix when it stabs me in the foot. He removes it and places the door closer hydraulic thingie on the couch where it remains for a few weeks. I complain of the placement and he moves it to the kitchen shelving unit. More days, weeks pass and I am cleaning and tell F that he needs to fix the door closer hydraulic thingie. He blinks at me. I sigh heavily.
“Do you know where the mount for it is? I can’t find it.” I blink at him confused while my brain processes his question. I turn in a semi-circle looking for it because I KNEW I had seen it somewhere. And then my eyes fall upon it, attached to the door. “It’s still attached to the door.” F blinks at me. “It is?”  (we use this door EVERYDAY to exit and enter our home)

“Yes.”

- - - MORE TIME PASSES - - -



Memorial Day

I suit up and attempt to mow the lawn. The mower won’t start. Deciding it was already hot and way too humid anyway, I would skip the mowing and call Mom to come over and hangout for the day. Mom arrives on the scene and informs me that the spark plug on said mower just needs to be changed. I agree, but go with the notion that fixing that is F’s job and we sit down and commence gossiping. A few hours later F arrives home. I inform him of the situation and Mom once again pipes up and tells him he needs to change the spark plug. He fiddles with it, and then puts it away for another day. He calls buddy to ask him if his brother in law still fixes mowers.

Now mind you, it has been RAINING pretty much NON STOP here in the Midwest for the past month. The grass is crazy thick and desperately needs to be mowed. We look like the white trash neighbors because you know, we WORK during the day and so when it would rain EVERY FREAKING night as I started to come home, I was unable to mow like my neighbors did during the day in the non-rain window. So the mowing needs to get done ASAP before the rain comes again.



May 31st

I tell F he needs either get our mower fixed or ask a neighbor to borrow theirs. He blinks at me.

The evening of June 2nd I arrive home late. F GLEEFULLY informs me that he FIXED the mower!!!!!

“Really? That is great.”

“Yes, I rode my bike up to the mower place (where I told him to take it to get serviced in MARCH to get ready for the mowing season.Obvs, he didn't.) and bought a spark plug. And then I used some tools ( he named the sizes of wrenches and what-not) and popped the old one out, put in the new and it fired right up!!!!”

The PRIDE in his voice, like he had replaced his own kidney with a plastic spork or something.

“The spark plug eh?”

“Yep.”

“The spark plug mom and I both told you was the issue?”

“I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF. It had nothing to do with you.”

“Riiiiiiiight.”



An Hour Later…………

“Did you notice what ELSE I fixed??” F asks excitedly.

“You mean the screen door?”

“YES YES!! I had to put new bolts in it because the crap screws were stripped. So you better not break it again.”

*Eyebrow raise from me* “Emmm. And here I was getting used to closing it by hand.”

“Whatever.”



The point of this post? My husband takes FOREVER to fix things that are simple to fix, that I have either fixed before or have told him how to fix and then he EXPECTS extremely high praise for something that really is not that big of a deal. Is my husband the only one who does this? Is he the only one who wants praise for doing something he is supposed to do anyway? I mean, you know, I NEVER rush home and tell him, “F! F! I PAID THE BILLS!!! How AWESOME am I?!!?!?!? Right!? RIGHT!?”





Right.

F Sleep Speaks

"'Cause I'm gonna get SWEATY, you ASSHOLES."

Look Into My Not So Crystal Clear Ball........

F's parents called.  Apparently when F went to visit them over Easter weekend; the night F left to come home, FIL had an earth shattering prophetic dream.  F was actually misty eyed when he got off the phone.

But here is my question, If it was so earth shattering and prophetic, why did it take an ENTIRE month for FIL to pass it along?

Mrs Nosey; It Never Ends

A new story concerning Mrs. Nosey. We have a small building, but we still require a Building Manager. Our Building Manager is currently out for several months because of some SUPER SECRET Surgery/Medical Issue. In Building Manager's absence, people were handpicked by said Building Manager to handle all building related duties. Building Manager mistakenly assigned Mrs. Nosey some duties. Building Manager also mistakenly told Mrs. Nosey what the SUPER SECRET Surgery/Medical Issue was. Of course because it is a SUPER SECRET Surgery/Medical Issue, Mrs. Nosey was sworn to SECRECY. Such an Oxymoron that statement. Anyway, after Building Manager told Mrs. Nosey about her assigned duties and the SUPER SECRET Surgery/Medical Issue, Building Manager walked in on Mrs. Nosey telling an; as of this posting, undisclosed co-worker EXACTLY what the SUPER SECRET Surgery/Medical Issue was/is. Yes, that is right. She was BUSTED red handed. From what I am told Building Manager did not put the smack down on Mrs. Nosey even though she was; and rightly so, livid. Which, I really don't understand how she managed to control herself, but she is a less violent person than me apparently.


I swear this woman NEVER learns. Days later, she shouts out a question to Building Manager about when the SUPER SECRET Surgery/Medical Issue is supposed to take place. From down the hall. Where there are many offices located.

Really???????????????????????

OMFG. How has she not been written up? I do not comprehend this AT ALL. Unpaid leave maybe? SOMETHING to get through her thick ass skull.

As F would say “How about a FIST to her FACE???”

Do you think HR would do something then?

You Smell Like Roses Dharling........

7:10ish AM interior of a dark house................

I have just exited the shower and am starting to get dressed when I hear my cell ring.

Me: "Hello? What's up?"

F: "OH. I wasn't expecting you to answer."

Me: "um,ok, what's up??"

F: "Well I was wondering if you could bring me my cologne on your way to work??"

Me: "Uh, NO. I have to go to my mom's this morning before work(she's coming home from the south for the summer and I turn all her stuff back on for her before she gets here.), I can't come to your work AND go to my mom's. I guess you'll just have to smell like soap."

F: "Well, but my shirt smells musty." (our basement and closets get this musty smell during the summer despite the dehumidifier we have. If you know of a way to fix this please let me know.)

Me: "Oh, I'm sorry babe. Go to the store and buy some Frebreze."

F: " Gee, thanks a lot hon."

Me: "Sorry."

Does this remind you of the time he wanted me to go to Target for him to get mouthwash and shaving cream? Yeah, me too.
Mothers of young boys, please do your future daughter in law a favor and teach your sons how to Man up and go to the store by themselves. Seriously.  I have a bottle of Frebreze at my office for just such occasions. Also a Tide pen, which would have spot treated the "Lunch mishap" on his pants yesterday as well.

*insert eye roll and sigh here.*

Sh*t F Says In His Sleep

"You STUPID, FUCKING Bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Are you STILL looking at that??" *giggle"

"I just want to go back to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.........."

This was all said in one night, this was actually a SLOW evening.
Do you know how hard it is to remember what someone says in their sleep when you are half asleep yourself? Not easy digital folks, not easy at all.

Mrs Nosey: The After Math

Remember this post from the other day about outing co-workers' pregnancies? Our direct boss decided that we needed a refresher about respecting others. So in our monthly meeting within my group she told us we needed to respect others and not share information that would otherwise be private. I was watching Mrs Nosey to see what her reaction would be, there was no reaction. She was completely clueless that the incident we were referring to was hers. After about 5 minutes Mrs Nosey finally says, "Wait, are you talking about the Big Monthly meeting??? The one where I told about the gals' (everyone is a gal, no matter how old) being pregnant??"
Boss: "Yes, actually I am."
Mrs Nosey: "Did someone say something??? Was someone offended???????????"
Then followed a 10 minute discussion where in she kept saying, "But everyone already knew!!!!!!!"
Our Boss finally said, " I didn't know."
"Well, EVERYONE besides you knew. *giggle*"
"People knew indirectly, but no formal announcement was made."
COMPLETELY DUMBSTRUCK. She just could NOT understand why what she did was wrong because EVERYONE already knew. I managed to keep silent for the most part. Others, who normally keep silent actually spoke up.  I wanted to scream at her, "HOW STUPID ARE YOU???? If they didn't  SPEAK UP when the Big Boss asked, what makes you think it was OK FOR YOU TO DO IT FOR THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????" But I did not. I sat and ground my teeth instead.  After our meeting, I heard her whispering madly to one of our co-workers who told me later that she still just couldn't understand what the big deal was? Why would they care? SHE wouldn't care. She's very open about EVERYTHING. Yes, we all know you are unhappy in your marriage and are envious of your divorced friends and their carefree life. I would prefer NOT to know that about you. Seriously. The "talking to" she got, in my opinion, was not severe enough. I would have written her up and sent her to sensitivity training. Alas, I am not the Boss. Which for several people here is a VERY good thing.


*** I just found out that she actually may have seen the light. She apologized to one of the women. I was not expecting that AT ALL. But I'm sure she still doesn't completely understand what she did wrong.****

How Men Read

E-Mail I sent to F: "I made an eye dr appt for you for Wednesday @ 2:30. If that won't work for you, you need to call them and change it: [redacted phone #]. ( i added the bold and underline for you digital reader, it is important)

F's response: "Sorry DH but the next 2 weeks I am busy well beyond 5 please change."



I read this and was all W.T.F????? Seriously, I am not your secretary. I was doing him a solid by making the appointment to begin with. It is not like I ask him to make my Gyno appointment for me, ya know????

But before I could fashion this from mental thought to written word, I see a second e-mail from F which was sent 10 minutes after the first one: "I will call them."

Ahhh, he CAN read!!! A little slow on the comprehension, but still; I am so proud.

Bold Rudness

Remember how just a few days ago I told you that Mrs. Nosey took it upon herself to announce pregnancies for two of our co-workers? The woman has no boundaries, I swear to God.  This morning before our Boss got in, flowers were delivered to her office. Mrs Nosey went in to said office, exclaimed, "OH! She got flowers! Is it her birthday???"  Our boss's birthday was 2 weeks ago, which one of our co-workers reminded her. "Oh, well. OH!!!! It is her ANNIVERSARY!!!! HHHHmmmmm "To the love of my life (something else I couldn't quite make out)" " "Hmph, if my husband wrote something like THAT(something else I couldn't make out but it was clearly sarcastic)....."

Do you see what just happened there?? She READ the card on our BOSS'S FLOWERS before our Boss even got to see them and then, THEN she criticized what  her husband had written!!!!!!!
The out and out audacity of it all!!!!! It just blows my mind. I almost said something, but I keep biting my tongue. I would  have a very hard time not calling this woman  the "C" word if we ever got into it.
She is so beyond rude I just don't even know how to handle it.

I've Got a Whole Bag of ZIP IT With Your Name On It

We have a meeting each month that encompasses all departments in our building. Since our last meeting two women have semi-announced (read word of mouth) that they are expecting. When the big boss asked if there was any other news that needed to be shared, NEITHER of these women spoke up. The meeting moved on to a few other things and then he asked again, again both women reminded silent. So, our office busybody, Mrs Nosey took it upon herself to announce it FOR THEM. FORCING them to speak up. I cannot tell you how badly I wanted to reach across the table and smack that self-satisfied smile off her face. The one woman even said quietly, “I really didn’t want it announced.”


I just do not understand how she came to the decision that it was upon her to announce something so incredibly personal. I realize that pretty much everyone already knew, but there is certainly an unwritten rule concerning something like this. Isn’t there? Am I crazy? This isn’t an announcement that someone makes for you, unless they are your mother. It goes without saying, she is not their mother.

Is my extreme dislike of this woman coloring my view?? Was it ok for her to “out” these women who were CLEARLY remaining silent during the period in which they could have spoken up for themselves? As much as I would LOVE to put this woman in her place, I realize that that is not MY place. Oh, but how I wish it was. How I wish.

My New Theme Song

Seriously, minus the hand down the pants, the video games, and the sex with a girl (not that there's anything wrong with that) this is my new theme song.

What F Said

I’ve mentioned it before, F talks in his sleep, A LOT. Sometimes he rambles on in the Homeland Language, so I never understand him, but I try to remember how it sounded so I can ask him what it meant in the morning. But other times, when he talks, it is crystal clear English, and I’m all over that. Once, he growled, “God Damn it DH!!” That freaked me out a little bit. He has said other things as well. “Come you guys!!!” “You guys are ASSHOLES!!” “Is that going to work for you?” In most instances when I remember to ask him about it in the morning, he doesn’t remember what he was dreaming about. There are other times when I can’t tell if he is whimpering or giggling.
Last night he hissed, “You’re a FUCKING idiot!” I was pretty sure that even though he was mere inches from my ear that statement was in no way directed at me.

Granted, he’s not as funny as this guy, but I find it entertaining all the same.

Rental Reduex

This week our Tenant informed us that his hours have been severely cut at his job and he will no longer be able to rent from us. (I'm not completely sure I believe this because not too long ago Tenant informed F that Tenant's mother was seriously ill and he was hoping to get her house when she died. As far as we know this hasn't happened yet. But that is who Tenant is moving in with.)The end of May will be his last month. F thinks that maybe Tenant was hoping we would offer to reduce the rent. The rent that isn't even covering the full mortgage payment. That is not going to happen. This of course then spurred the discussion between F and I about what to do with said house. I personally am done being a landlord. I am highly concerned about who will end up being the next Tenant. What state the house will be in with current Tenant and what the state could potentially be in with the new Tenant. In other words, I want to sell it. Selling it of course would be taking a MASSIVE hit on it and would mostly result in us "finishing" paying on a house we no longer possess. F is decidedly against this. Which I of course understand. But I currently feel that paying on a mortgage on a house we no longer own is better than the tension and stress caused by being a landlord. To me, being done with that is worth making a monthly payment. I do realize it would be a waste of money. But I also realize that the roof on the rental needs to be replaced. And that the "sewer" backs up EVERY February when the snow starts to melt and the rain starts to come. We've replaced the washer and the dryer. I just, I just don't want to do it anymore. F wants to continue to rent the house out. I want to sell. F thinks that doing background checks and whatnot will insure a better class of renter. I'm not sold on that idea one bit.


I, no, WE do not need the added stress of trying to figure out what to do about this. There are so many other things going on with us right now that we really don't need more.

****NEW INFO****
I called my mortgage company and after 3 transfer was given to Jeremiah in Liquidations.  When I posed my question to Jeremiah; "If I sell my house and don't get the amount that is still owed on it, what will happen then?"
Jeremiah: "That amount will be forgiven."
Me: "I'm sorry? Forgiven?"
Jeremiah: "Yes. It is not your fault after all that the market crashed. Few homeowners know about the Debt Reduction Act that Bush enacted before he left office in 2007."
Jeremiah then went on to tell me to SELL SELL SELL!!! He was amazed that we were getting the amount of rent that we are getting. He was shocked at how "little" of the difference we were making up.  Then he told me again, "Sell now. Put it on the market NOW. I doubt you will get a tenant in there for the same amount you are getting now."
The conversation continued in the same vain for about 20mins, but it that was the gist of it.
So, assuming everything works out the way we hope, F and I will no longer be landlords!!! PRAISE BABY JESUS!!! I can not tell you how happy that will make both of us. F even wants us to sell our house and move somewhere "better". I personally don't think that is necessary, but we'll cross that bridge if we get to it.
SO if you know anyone who has done this, please let me know. I want to know if it is as scott free as it sounds.

Potty Time Made More Fun!!!

F and I went out to dinner. Several lemonades later, and I had to visit the restroom.


I was greatly amused at what I saw contained within my stall:



The Grandma Face seals the deal on this one



Double take, then giggle

So yeah, it appears I was drinking when I took this.
"Still Standing, Unlike Those We Serve."

Don't Look At this While Eating......

DISGUSTING Spirit Air!!!

So yeah, GAG. Why would  you even? Who said this was a good Ad?? Seriously.

Hot off the.......

This fall we kicked our grill to the curb. It had lost both wheels and the side table fell off and the handle was broken. Plus, our own fault totally, it was incredibly FILTHY. All winter long we've been keeping our eye out for a new one. Then F was spurred on by the potential loss of power due to an ice storm.  Apparently the charcoal travel grill we have out in the garage isn't trust worthy enough in the midst of a world stopping ice storm(sarcasm in case you missed it).

So he picked up this little beauty from Home Depot......

Our New Grill

And then assembled it in our family room, but didn't want to go out in the rain to take it outside.

So now......


it is residing in our DINING ROOM

Talk about getting your food hot off of grill.

Did I Just See That?

So this made me do a double take, and then I was really kind of creeped out by it:

A Mini-Van Hearse

Does anyone else think that a vehicle built SPECIFICALLY for Soccer moms to haul live happy bouncing children being used to transport DEAD people, a tad creeptasic? Anyone? Just me?

Pay Up BITCH!

I recently got a new credit card and hadn't made a first payment yet.  Six days before it was due I get this e-mail from them:

Date E-mail sent 03/15/2011:
Your [redacted] card payment due date is approaching and we have not yet received your payment. If you have already scheduled your payment, please disregard this notice. Log In to schedule a payment now.



Minimum Payment Due$149.00



Payment Due Date March 21, 2011
 
 
Needless to say, I was a tad freaked out because then I thought I hadn't scheduled it via my online banking(best invention EVER) to make the payment. I quickly logged in and saw that I had made it for the VERY NEXT DAY. I breathed a sigh of relief and then silently cursed out the credit card company for

 unnecessarily raising my stress level. Apparently, Five days early just isn't early enough.

Friendly reminder? Maybe.
Firing squad intensity? Most decidedly.