Quiet as a Dishwasher Mouse

A few months ago BF opened a drawer in the kitchen and asked me if I thought the little things in there were mouse droppings. I, far from an expert in this area, said I thought they were too small, and so we both concluded that they must be seeds from one of his fancy whole grain/whole wheat breads. The other night while putting a dish in the dishwasher I met the fancy whole grain/whole wheat bread seed dropper, except it had 4 legs and a cute little nose. I was of course stunned at finding a mouse in the dishwasher, THE DISHWASHER. My mind can not comprehend how said mouse found it's way into the dishwasher. The thing is sealed up pretty good because of the water usage and what-not, so how did our furry little friend squeeze his body between the door and the wall? Or, as BF claims, squeeze his body up the water pipe, through the slits in the strainer at the bottom, in order to feast on our un-rinsed dishes????? All I could then think of was, how can we EVER be sure of clean dishes again?? Seriously? I mean even if we don't see anymore droppings around the freshly washed silverware, how can we be certain that our little house guest hasn't tread across them? Or had his friends in for a fork and spoon party??? How can I ever invite people over again? What if someone spies a whisker? Or a nose print on their steak knife?

The only good thing to come out of this was the comical way in which BF came racing out of the bedroom in his boxers after I yelled ( he claims I screamed as if I was being attacked by an intruder, hardly) his name. It was truly comic gold. He says it's not funny, and I set his heart to racing beyond belief.

I can't stop giggling.

You're Gonna WhAAAAAAT?????

I was one of several women BF was dating before we decided we wanted to be exclusive. Actually, I told BF no nookie unless he was dating just me, and amazingly he agreed. Anyway, one of the women he saw briefly happens to be an accountant. Last year, and again this year, he paid her to do his taxes. I wasn't too keen on it, but since he was completely up front about it, I didn't fuss. However, this year he informs me that she is going under the knife and he offered to go visit her. AT. Her. HOUSE. while she's recovering. That, I am so NOT keen on. He thinks I'm being crazy, telling me it's a "cultural thing". That if someone you know is ill, you go visit them. I tried to rein in my irrational female while I tried to form a logical argument to make him see my point. As my shrink cousin enlightened me a few weeks ago, you have to think like a man in order to communicate with them, which means being "logical" as opposed to "emotional", and in BF's case I have to be not only logical but have point by point arguments to back-up my logic because he's an engineer. Now, I never thought myself to be overtly emotional when came to making decisions and arguments, but having a full time BF, I'm more a female than I ever imagined. Not that there's anything wrong with that. So I formed my argument from the stand point that if his dentist went under the knife, would he then visit that person at home? Because after all, you are paying them for a service at least twice a year as opposed to once a year such as you do a tax accountant. The answer was of course No. So hence, I concluded, if you are claiming to have the same relationship with this woman (as a paid employee) as you do with your dentist, then it stands to reason that you would in fact NOT go visit her.

He accused me of playing the guilt card.

I countered with it actually being the logic card.

He's not visiting her, at least to my knowledge.

COPS.......Coming to your Street

BF thinks I live in a bad neighborhood. He thinks this to the point that, " I don't feel comfortable leaving you here alone." The house was empty for a year before I moved in. The garage side door was left unlocked where the very nice mower was stored. The Fridge, Stove and Microwave are all visible from the kitchen window and from the side door. And yet, nothing was taken. Granted, I live a block from the not so nice neighborhood, but in the year I've lived there, I've never had a problem. There are several elderly couples living in my neighborhood as well. The woman I bought the house from was a single woman just like me, and she said she loved it. It kind of irritates me because he makes me doubt my safety and then I can't sleep at night which only succeeds in making his life miserable because I'm miserable. It's not the first neighborhood I chose, but it's my hood damn it, and I like it. It's quiet, despite the white trash neighbors. The kids are always running about in the summer. People are out walking. Do they do that in bad hoods? I think not. But I can't seem to convince him that I'm ok. I never would've moved into a hood I left wasn't safe. It's a blue collar hood and I'm ok with that because I'm blue collar. I feel like his hood is kind of snobby. I don't feel comfortable there.
The battle will continue until, well until I move into his house. Which at this point, as he told me last weekend is, ".....[o]nly a suggestion."

Can You Hear Me Now?

The couple whose wedding BF and I attended are finding themselves separated...... by distance. Shortly after the wedding, mere days actually, the groom left for the mid-west. He got called-up to serve our country in the war torn Middle East. He is currently in boot camp. So the bride is alone, save for a roommate who has a wandering eye. Her friends and family do not live in the area. Needless to say, she's quite lonely. I certainly feel for her, I myself do not know what I would do placed in the same situation. Fear would become my shadow. This aside, I do not feel as though we are friends. I spent time in her home, I attended her wedding, this however does not put us in a position to spend hours on the phone chatting like old pals. This is however exactly what BF feels I should be doing. I don't spend hours chatting with my own friends let alone the wife of BF's friend. I feel mean about it, yes, however I feel somewhat put upon being forced to be her friend. There are 2 of her bride's maids that live in the same town. But apparently they aren't spending an overert amount of time with her either. I have offered to e-mail her, and IM with her throughout the day. Neither of which she's taken me up on. I have no idea how to handle this with BF. He keeps telling me she wants a woman to talk "woman talk" with. I don't do woman talk. I have no idea what to say to her. We have limited "together" experiences for me to draw from. A total of 2 weeks in all of "together time" in the last year. That's not much conversation foder. It's a hard situation, having to measure every word and sentence for fear of reminding her that her husband may not come back next year. Or that she's living alone. When I mentioned to BF that I don't make him talk to the husbands of my friends, he looked at me like I was completely crazy for even suggesting such a thing.

And yet, the parrell still completely escaped him.

Say What?

Every office has one. The crazy co-worker. We have one, and she is considered my "superior", in title only of course. Over the years she has gotten crazier, and never ceases to amaze myself and a few of my friends with the odd things she comments on, usually completely out of the blue.
For example, yesterday I was wearing a skirt, a rarity to be sure, but the thing came down to my ankles, nothing flashy about it. She stops the conversation she is having with another co-worker in the hallway to comment:

"Well well well, look at her. Whatcha doin' lookin all sexy today? Where ya goin looking that sexy???"

"Uh, to my cube?"

"Does your MAN know you're out lookin like that?"

"Uh, yeah, since I wore this to CHURCH yesterday, he does." The fact that the outfit was Church worthy seemed to throw a wrench in the works. However that didn't stop her today from commenting:

"Is your hair shorter? Did you get it cut?" (Normal enough question, yes, but just wait.)

"Yeah, about a month ago." For most people this is where the conversation would have ended, but she continues.......

"Hmmm, Maybe it's because you styled it differently?"

Nope."

"It's more flippy." (notice, not a question, a statement.)

"Nope."

"No, it's more puffy."(again, statement.)

"Nope."

"Well hmmm, it's something!"

"Not really, no."

"Well fine, I give up then. But it still looks shorter!"

Past conversations have included telling me I'm getting too thin, while she grabs the leg of my pants and tugs. Which also sometimes leads to telling me that if I keep it up I'll "lose my caboose." Telling me my "girls" look really good in my shirt. Or as I've come to think of it as my own Bridget Jones' moment: Your Tits look good in that Top. Insisting an item of clothing is new, and that I've never worn it before, when in fact I've been wearing it for the last 3 yrs. Her comments extend beyond myself. She feels free to give commentary on what people are having for lunch, " Just tomatoes? With pepper? I wouldn't get anywhere near that without some cheese and bread! Hmph."
"Look at you! You dress like a teenager!" To a 30 something co-worker who in fact does NOT dress like a teenager. Backhanded compliment anyone?
She's able to completely confuse our programmer by rattling on about how she would program this and that and our programmer should try this and that. The programmer's eyes completely glaze over the minute Crazy Co-worker approaches her. Being able to confuse the programmer, to me, speaks volumes to her Craziness.

Make mine a Cranberry and Purell

I just read an article stating that a 2 oz thing of hand sanitizer has the same amount of alcohol as several shots of vodka. Some grade schools are pulling the sanitizers because of this. Now really, what kid would have thought to down a hand sanitizer before the big spelling bee to calm his/her nerves? They will now though, won't they? Thank you hard hitting investigative news, thank you.

I'll be trolling the grocery sale ads for a buy one get one sale on Purell, so much cheaper than Vodka.

Wedding Planner Lessons

BF and I went back East to attend the wedding of one of his dear friends. The setting was fabulous, the food was divine and the booze were free flowing. That my dear readers, was the first mistake made by the couple who wanted nothing more than their friends and family to co-mingle and have a wonderful time.

Things I learned attending a wedding

1) Free booze +empty stomach=Trouble(for me especially).

2)Those that arrive with "Sex hair", have had sex before the wedding, have sex at the dinner table, and have sex at the top of the stairs for all to see.

3)Booze + pretty girls=inappropriate touching by various groomsmen.

4)Sibling rivalry = partner swapping.

5)Booze = the expression of latten lesbian feelings( not by me, but maybe for me).

6)Making friends with the foreign bartender is the way to happiness.

7)Being a "Cast-off", or the date of a bridal party member, is a lonely night made better by #6, but worse by #8.

8)Having your BF mention how great every other guy thought your boobs look is NOT a confidence booster.

Deep Thoughts...........

A day in the life of me and Instant Messaging........

Adult:(......) and uh, guys scratch their balls 24/7, be they droolers or not. just a heads up

Adult: or as BF says, "I'm ADJUSTING, ok!?!?!"

CBF: Men are really quite disgusting. Yet, I like sex. Go figure.

Adult: isn't it just the oddest? really, do you think if God is a man, he's a scratcher as well?

CBF: Sure, because he's probably got a huge set of stones.

Adult: that being the case, don't you think he'd of made us more accepting of said ball scratching?

CBF: This is the guy who gave us periods.

Adult: as punishment for the whole apple thing. maybe the ball scratching “ew” factor was an add on to the whole punishment thing

CBF: I totally want my money back.

Adult: I didn't offer anyone a stupid apple. hell, I’m allergic!

CBF: It sucks being a woman, but it's better than being a man any day-- because they never wash after they scratch, and who the heck wants hands that smell like sweaty balls?

Adult: ew, so totally

Adult: and they don't wipe after they pee

Adult: and i'm sorry, but the whole "shake it dry" thing, really just flings the pee to other places.

CBF: That's like blowing your nose without a Kleenex!

Adult: So totally! You know, they don't even give them the option of TP at the urinals! So you HAVE to fling.

CBF: Or tap-- tapping is better, but still. It leaves pee droplets in the underwear-- don't men understand that women don't mind being around the twig and berries, as long as pee is not involved or in the vicinity, or stained to the tighty whities???!!!!!

Adult: they do not. mothers can not intervene and teach their boys because that kind of peeing is a man thing. So they teach each other, hence passing on the bad habit.

CBF: No wonder grown men still have skid marks.

Adult: EW!

Adult: and wear holey undies

CBF: Yeah-- what is the deal with that, or should I not get you started?

Adult: even my brother who was properly raised by women, wears it that way. when my mom was living there, she'd steal it, take it home and throw it out.

CBF: That's whack.

Adult: totally.

Somebody........farted

Yes, I'll admit it, I was the Farter, BF was the Fartee. It isn't just that I farted in his presence. Oh, no, no cute Carrie Bradshaw moment here. We were, hmm, let's say, the BF and I were engaged in some foreplay, and he was doing his best to rev my engine manually(with his hands) when suddenly I farted. This is the exchange that followed:

"OMG! You just farted!"

"I'm so sorry! Oh God, I'm sorry!" I managed to choke out between laughs.

"You really know how to kill the moment, don't you?" he asked laughing.

More laughing from me.

"God, I felt that on my hand."

"Here, smell my hand, it stinks!"

"Oh stop! It does not!"

"I can't believe you. I have to go wash my hand. Here smell it!"

"You are such a dork!"

We both die laughing. Thank god BF isn't an uptight guy.





But I must pose this question, What is it with guys insisting that you smell something that smells nasty? The nastier the better?


And yet, he refuses to smell the spoiled milk.











P.S. I found this handy device while searching for a pic. Are we REALLY suppose to believe that stainless steel makes you not be smelly anymore? Couldn't you just rub the good sliver under your arm? I'm just sayin.

Home Again Home Again, Jiggity Jig

BF and I made it home from his parents, in one piece and are still dating. We agreed that our families are completely different from each other and that we need to just deal with that fact.

Difference 1) BF's family believes that the "rounds" to all family members need to be made immediately upon arrival. Never mind you've been in the car for 10hrs and are working on 2 hrs of dozing, not proper sleep, just dozing.

My Family hosts a large party where all are invited, and viewing of the far flung relative can be done in one easy pass with beer in hand. If you are unable to attend the viewing, so sad, too bad, your loss.

Difference 2) Present opening is a free for all. Wrapping paper begins to fly once the children hit the door and are able to decipher their names on the tag.



(Granted not kids, but this is the best I could find.)

My Family dictates that the children can look, but not touch, their presents until the appointed time where everyone sits down nicely and presents are passed out and opened one at a time. Perhaps a bit confining, but much easier on the senses of everyone involved.

Difference 3) No matter what physical state you are currently in(the stomach flu for yours truly), you WILL attend the family meal and help mind the children.

My Family(ok, not the entire extended family follows this one, but my immediate family does) adhere to the fact that germs are easily spread, and hence please keep yours AT HOME.

Difference 4) Family feuds are to be heard, and participated in by all. With the climaxing shout of, "It's Christmas for Christ's sake!" with various family members scattering to different parts of the house to sulk.

My Family, that I can ever recall, has NEVER had such an outburst during a family function. Perhaps because the women are well known silent fummers and only explode out of eye/ear shot and are masters of the passive-aggressive tactics of evil eyes, heavy sighs and Catholic Guilt.

The upside to the whole adventure was the trip into the City where I got to see the sun set over skyscrapers and the additional trip to an Outlet mall where my fabulous leather coat and matching handbag were purchased. Merry Christmas!!!!!!

Road Trip

BF and I leave this week to head East to spend the Holiday with his parents and family. I am decidedly concerned about interaction with his father, who is openly racist, even though he is somewhat of a "minority" himself. And his mother, who is openly hot to have her son(BF) marry, ANYONE, so she can have more Grandsons. Note grandSONS, not grandKIDS, hoping for anything as long as it's healthy; no, it's specifically Boys. BF was informed that the New Priest in their Church wants an audience with him; even though he isn't a parishioner because he lives in a different state, but because he's "heard about" BF. Flashbacks from earlier this year shook me from head to toe.

Small recap: Priest visiting from The Homeland requests audience with BF and his new Ladyfriend(me). Conversation is conducted in The Homeland language leaving Ladyfriend(me)completely out of the equation. Ladyfriend(me) finds out later that BF completely exposed the affairs of the bedroom, hence reserving 2 handbaskets to hell. Visiting Priest pushes to have BF announce his engagement to Ladyfriend(me) after four long months of dating. Ladyfriend(me), who is a modern independent woman, is further disgusted and horrified when Visiting Priest inquires via translator (BF's father), "Can you COOK???"
Flash to present where I forcefully inform BF that our personal life is a restricted topic and he is to inform New Priest that he needs to M.Y.O.B.
Which I'm sure won't happen and I'll once again be blamed for BF's decent into a morally corrupt life.
"Damn American girl!!!"


P.S. Props to [redacted] who inspired me to learn to add pics and just now, how to add a link!

Not Good

I've officially maxed out a credit card. Target. Yes, I can no longer be assured of fabulous deals on laundry detergent and shampoo because stepping foot through the electronically opened doors can no longer occur.

To top that off, our fabulously spineless boss has committed the faux pau of promising us our raises before the Christmas break and then reneged by telling us that really might not actually happen.

I'm going to have to prostitute myself in order to buy eggs.

Which in my case, means I'll starve.

Tell Me Again?

Someone please tell me again why, WHY, it is considered a right of passage as an adult to be a homeowner? I don't do anything differently in my home that I couldn't have done in a maintenance free apartment, other than paint the walls and tear up the carpet. But I'm speaking more on a daily basis type of thing. I'm certain walking about the home in my panties would have been just as easily accomplished in an apartment. And when the rains of the last few days started running down the walls in the basement, I would have simply called the apartment manager to get someone out to fix it, instead of wailing to my mother at 7am that " I don't want to do this anymore!!!" i.e. be an adult and "own" a home. I am poorer than I have ever been in my life. I've actually almost maxed out a credit card, another first, albeit it's a clothing store card, I tend to spend when I'm at my wits' end(good shirt slogan!), and I've gone over on my miles on my lease for this year, and I still have the rest of the month to go. I blame the mileage issue squarely on BF's shoulders since driving to and fro from his place adds an extra 8 miles each round trip. This may seem trite, except when you do the math. 8x6=48 extra miles a week. 48x4=192 extra miles a month. That of course doesn't add in the trips to the grocery store or out to dinner because I'm the last one in driveway, so we might as well take my car. Then there's the added expense of trips. Home for the holidays to mom and dad’s (I'm still trying to get out of that one) and the best friend's wedding that just HAD TO BE held at a tropical destination during high season. Trying finding reasonable airfare for THAT!
Stress and I do not compliment each other.
Adulthood Sucks.

Hot Cheese!

Today at work I was reheating a PMS related snack, Cheese Bread(a leftover), when a small drop of the melted gold fell onto the pan. I took my fork and speared the cheese glob, or at least thought I did, when moments from my watering lips the glob fell from the fork onto my slightly exposed breast(read low cut top). It took mere seconds to register that the glob was burning my breast. So while standing the in the highest traffic area of the office, the kitchen, I'm fishing around my in my top for a burning glob of cheese. Just around the corner I hear two male co-workers chatting. Myself feel-up becomes more frantic. Convinced that the burning glob is not lodged between the underwire and my skin I do the "shake it lose dance" and am immediately gladdened when said glob falls to the floor, now a cold lump of artery clogging fat. I am left with a small amount of dignity because I was not discovered feeling myself up, however that was slightly tarnished by the grease stains left on my blouse, right over my breast, by the heartless melted gold.





In other news, BF won out in the bedding battle by complaining that my comforter, which I love dearly, is too heavy, "it chokes" him (which I couldn't help but picture oversized comforter hands wrapping around his throat attempting to choke him in great cartoon style) and too small for the bed. It was the size issue that won me over, and I have added to my credit card debt even more by purchasing a new "quilt" that is almost the exact color of my walls and therefore finding the bed has become a new fun challenge.

International Drunk Dialing

My very good friend with whom I got exceptionally drunk with in "When aspirin isn't Enough" drunk dialed me from across the pond. Needless to say, she was drunk, as was her husband whom encouraged her to do the dialing. We haven't had a full on conversation since they were here a few months ago, so I was surprised when she casually asked, "So, when's the wedding?" I said I didn't know, but does this mean you approve??? In her Britishized American accent she informed me, "Oh Adult, he's Lovely." The conversation of course went on to dresses and what-not that I'm already semi-planning to do. Thankfully BF was in the other room engrossed in Dateline or something and was unable to hear that her future dieting plans are dependent on his future(hopefully) proposal.

I've been ordered to inform her promptly when the event occurs so that she may book the appropriate flights and arrival time so that we may once again discover why aspirin isn't enough, and most likely, why you don't do the bachelorette party the night before the wedding.

Pluck that Again

The other day I discovered a very long dark hair on my chinny-chin-chin. I know that this wayward hair often sprouts it's manly head, but I usually catch it long before it's long enough to braid. For some reason( read: too busy with BF to do proper grooming) I completely blanked on it this time around and was horrified to find it waving back at me in the mirror one evening. I promptly plucked it, as a girl is wont to do, all the time wondering why none of my female friends or BF pointed it out to me. Surely, at least BF was close enough to notice it. And nothing was said.

My faith in the human race took a blow that day, it truly did.

Corporate Conehead

I have a co-worker. She took over my old position. A few years after we hired her, we hired someone else to 'help' her because of the 'massive amount of work.' It is common knowledge that my replacement does nothing much. To the point that her 'helper' now assigns the tasks that need to be done. My replacement ducks works to the point that she walks the office giving everyone a copy of the daily newspaper. I wish I had that kind of free time(ok yes I Blog instead. whatever.) Today, when she came around I got snippy with her, to which she replied, "meee-oow". She's 50.

Now, I can't help but point out that her bringing the paper around cuts out the possibility of ME wasting time by going and GETTING the paper myself. Who is she to deny me my own time wasting time? Who, I ask, Does she THINK SHE IS???!!!!!!????!!!! Only the evil use their time wasting time to deny others their own time wasting time.

EVIL.

Hearts and Flowers

Last night I confessed to my Mom that BF loves me. Oddly enough, she seemed happy to hear the news. Every time we have a conversation involving BF she gets defensive on my behalf. I always feel that I must defend him and clear up the misunderstanding that he is an evil foreigner (foreigner yes, evil no). I think she may becoming around to my side. This is good, because everyone who is not related to me (read co-workers) keeps asking if I expect a ring this year. Yes, Yes I do expect a ring this year, or at least soon.

I think he is stockpiling down payment money, but I'm not letting him know that I know.

Actions Speak Louder

Brace yourself, I'm going to get political.
In the past week I've heard and read much about the Pope's "comment" that was made whilst addressing the German populous. The Islamic Leaders are outraged and upset about a piece of text written a few centuries ago. You have to ask, or at least I do, If this "letter" was so damning to Islam, why was it never publicly denounced by them before now? They are demanding an apology from the Pope, and even THAT won't be enough they claim.
Now the Islam followers are all up in arms, burning churches. I can't help but notice, as should you, that burning a church, of any domination, pretty much makes you a bad person. Which, um, is exactly what the letter from the 1400 said to begin with, is it not?
Say it with me people, Actions Speaker Louder than words. So go ahead and SAY you are a peace loving religion as you launch a fire bomb at the local church, we'll all understand. And I'm sure a Public Apology will certainly be enough to cover the damage of the burned churches by your peace loving followers.

Islamic militants vow war after pope comments

“We shall break the cross and spill the wine ... God will (help) Muslims to conquer Rome ... (May) God enable us to slit their throats, and make their money and descendants the bounty of the mujahideen,” said the statement, posted on Sunday on an Internet site often used by al-Qaida and other militant groups.

Yes, Peaceful, so very peaceful.

Bedding Battles

BF and I have vastly different ideas about what type of bedding should be placed on the bed. Growing up poor, ok, semi-poor, my parents turned the heat WAY down at night in the winter, so in order not to wake-up an icilce, the blankets were piled high. To this day I love the house cold and the bed heavy with the warmth and comfort of many blankets. Plus, being a Mortgage Owner, keeping the house cold cuts down on the heating bill. BF, for whatever reason, I have yet to get a straight answer out of him, is anti-top sheet in the winter. He sleeps directly under the comforter, with the heat still up. Needless to say I don't sleep very well at his place being too hot and the blankets are not heavy enough. As the nights have gotten colder I went out and purchased a light blanket to place on his King Sized Bed in order to cut down on his complaints of "I'm freezing!!" How you can be freezing when the house is at 72 degrees is beyond me, but anyway. The other day he informs me that this winter we will have to have separate blankets because he likes to cocoon himself in the bedding. Yes, I discovered that everytime I got up to go the bathroom, and came back to find there were no blankets left to cover me because he had made himself into a boyfriend burrito. When spending the night at my house, he kicks off the top sheet, but complains of being cold, so I give him an extra blanket. I'm really stuck on the whole top sheet thing. Where in the world do you learn to sleep without a top sheet? If you get even slightly sweaty during the night the top sheet is a barrier between you and the "Dry Clean Only" comforter. Without said barrier you are constantly shelling out for the "Dry Clean Only" comforter to be cleaned because it, well, stinks after having 2 people sleep under it. I've gotten used to not having everything tucked in, but the sheet thing, I don't wanna have to do extra loads of laundry just because he has top sheet issues. This may seem trivial, but think back to the last time you got all hacked off because someone replaced the TP "upside down". Hmmmmm????

BF fessed up that Momma has been harking on the whole wedding issue.

"If she was from The Homeland, you'd be married by now." She informed him last week.

So I asked, "Does she really like me, or does she just want you to get married for the sake of being married??"

"For the sake of being married." Came his too quick reply. Ok, so I'm not getting the Daughter-in-law of the year award.

"Does she understand that we're not from some small village where your parents know my parents and we grew-up together and have known each other forever? We haven't known each other forever you know, not even a year yet."

"No, they don't get it."

"They need to get it."

"I know. I told her if she asks again I won't call her anymore, and if and when it does happen, I'll call her and tell her."

I'm telling you, the woman has my "Good China" picked out and the children named already, I swear.