I realize this is OLD NEWS, to be honest, this little letter has been sitting in my draft folder ever since I got it from Spirit. And seriously, who the frack do you think you're kidding Spirit??
To our valued customers,
We have all seen how carry-on baggage has gotten out of control.(um, not really.) Longer security lines and boarding process, injuries due to overcrowded overhead bins (say what??? i haven't heard anything), delayed flights and passenger frustration has become commonplace.(because you don't enforce the rules you already have in place, oh and prices are CRAZY.)
At Spirit, we are always looking for new ways to save you money and improve the customer experience. We recently announced our latest innovation(per Webster: "A creation (a new device or process) resulting from study and experimentation." charging people money is not new, fyi.), which is designed to relieve the carry-on crisis(again from Webster:"An unstable situation of extreme danger or difficulty") , saving you time and money.
Our solution to the carry-on crisis(TONIGHT ON 20/20 THE DANGER OF CARRY-ONS):
Lower checked bag fees(so basically, they are charging you for wanting to have clean clothes during your travels. how self involved of you.)
Give everyone a free personal item allowance(one tampon per?)
Allow customers to carry on an additional bag for a fee and give them
priority boarding so they have time and space to stow their extra bag(so if you bring a carry-on and pay extra, you get to board first. hmmm, is that really fair? Isn't the fee suppose to be a deterrent? I always thought they should board the plane starting in the back and working their way to the front, makes more sense anyway.)
Everyone(who owns stock in Spirit) Wins!
We expect (expect, not guarantee)total prices to be lower
Security lines will move faster(seriously? come on, not everyone is flying Spirit)
The boarding process will be smoother
Deplaning will be faster
Passenger and employee safety is improved with less over-stuffed bins(please, i can't take anymore.)
What to expect for travel after August 1st:
We have introduced PENNY PLUS™ fares available to our $9 Fare Club members** that are 1¢ each way plus fuel, taxes and fees*. If you are not already a member, click here to join.(give us more money)
We have lowered checked bag fees for $9 Fare Club members. A family of four checking four bags round-trip will save $80. Double the cost of being a $9 Fare Club member. Another reason to join now. Click here to join.(give us your money)
You can bring a FREE personal item onboard, such as a purse, briefcase, backpack or laptop computer.(which is different from now, HOW exactly???) Other exceptions are: assistive devices, medicine, umbrella, outer garments (coats, hats, wraps), camera, car seat/stroller, infant diaper bag, reading material for the flight, or food for immediate consumption(not for later! no way jose`).
If you choose to bring an extra carry-on bag, you may do so for $20 if purchased online as a $9 Fare Club member or $30 online, at the airport ticket counter or kiosk for non-members. If you choose to wait until the gate to pay, the fee will be $45 which is not preferred since it will slow the boarding process.( i don't see this going well)
Shorter, faster security and boarding lines. Less frustration while boarding and deplaning. Fewer delays.
Happier customers that pay less!(let me do the math for myself thankyouverymuch)
See you on board soon! We’ll keep working to improve your experience and lower your fare.