Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Wedding Planner Lessons

BF and I went back East to attend the wedding of one of his dear friends. The setting was fabulous, the food was divine and the booze were free flowing. That my dear readers, was the first mistake made by the couple who wanted nothing more than their friends and family to co-mingle and have a wonderful time.

Things I learned attending a wedding
1) Free booze +empty stomach=Trouble(for me especially).
2)Those that arrive with "Sex hair", have had sex before the wedding, have sex at the dinner table, and have sex at the top of the stairs for all to see.
3)Booze + pretty girls=inappropriate touching by various groomsmen.
4)Sibling rivalry = partner swapping.
5)Booze = the expression of latten lesbian feelings( not by me, but maybe for me).
6)Making friends with the foreign bartender is the way to happiness.
7)Being a "Cast-off", or the date of a bridal party member, is a lonely night made better by #6, but worse by #8.
8)Having your BF mention how great every other guy thought your boobs look is NOT a confidence booster.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Deep Thoughts...........

A day in the life of me and Instant Messaging........

Adult:(......) and uh, guys scratch their balls 24/7, be they droolers or not. just a heads up

Adult: or as BF says, "I'm ADJUSTING, ok!?!?!"

CBF: Men are really quite disgusting. Yet, I like sex. Go figure.

Adult: isn't it just the oddest? really, do you think if God is a man, he's a scratcher as well?

CBF: Sure, because he's probably got a huge set of stones.

Adult: that being the case, don't you think he'd of made us more accepting of said ball scratching?

CBF: This is the guy who gave us periods.

Adult: as punishment for the whole apple thing. maybe the ball scratching “ew” factor was an add on to the whole punishment thing

CBF: I totally want my money back.

Adult: I didn't offer anyone a stupid apple. hell, I’m allergic!

CBF: It sucks being a woman, but it's better than being a man any day-- because they never wash after they scratch, and who the heck wants hands that smell like sweaty balls?

Adult: ew, so totally

Adult: and they don't wipe after they pee

Adult: and i'm sorry, but the whole "shake it dry" thing, really just flings the pee to other places.

CBF: That's like blowing your nose without a Kleenex!

Adult: So totally! You know, they don't even give them the option of TP at the urinals! So you HAVE to fling.

CBF: Or tap-- tapping is better, but still. It leaves pee droplets in the underwear-- don't men understand that women don't mind being around the twig and berries, as long as pee is not involved or in the vicinity, or stained to the tighty whities???!!!!!

Adult: they do not. mothers can not intervene and teach their boys because that kind of peeing is a man thing. So they teach each other, hence passing on the bad habit.

CBF: No wonder grown men still have skid marks.

Adult: EW!

Adult: and wear holey undies

CBF: Yeah-- what is the deal with that, or should I not get you started?

Adult: even my brother who was properly raised by women, wears it that way. when my mom was living there, she'd steal it, take it home and throw it out.

CBF: That's whack.

Adult: totally.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007


Yes, I'll admit it, I was the Farter, BF was the Fartee. It isn't just that I farted in his presence. Oh, no, no cute Carrie Bradshaw moment here. We were, hmm, let's say, the BF and I were engaged in some foreplay, and he was doing his best to rev my engine manually(with his hands) when suddenly I farted. This is the exchange that followed:

"OMG! You just farted!"

"I'm so sorry! Oh God, I'm sorry!" I managed to choke out between laughs.

"You really know how to kill the moment, don't you?" he asked laughing.

More laughing from me.

"God, I felt that on my hand."

"Here, smell my hand, it stinks!"

"Oh stop! It does not!"

"I can't believe you. I have to go wash my hand. Here smell it!"

"You are such a dork!"

We both die laughing. Thank god BF isn't an uptight guy.

But I must pose this question, What is it with guys insisting that you smell something that smells nasty? The nastier the better?

And yet, he refuses to smell the spoiled milk.

P.S. I found this handy device while searching for a pic. Are we REALLY suppose to believe that stainless steel makes you not be smelly anymore? Couldn't you just rub the good sliver under your arm? I'm just sayin.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Home Again Home Again, Jiggity Jig

BF and I made it home from his parents, in one piece and are still dating. We agreed that our families are completely different from each other and that we need to just deal with that fact.

Difference 1) BF's family believes that the "rounds" to all family members need to be made immediately upon arrival. Never mind you've been in the car for 10hrs and are working on 2 hrs of dozing, not proper sleep, just dozing.

My Family hosts a large party where all are invited, and viewing of the far flung relative can be done in one easy pass with beer in hand. If you are unable to attend the viewing, so sad, too bad, your loss.

Difference 2) Present opening is a free for all. Wrapping paper begins to fly once the children hit the door and are able to decipher their names on the tag.

(Granted not kids, but this is the best I could find.)

My Family dictates that the children can look, but not touch, their presents until the appointed time where everyone sits down nicely and presents are passed out and opened one at a time. Perhaps a bit confining, but much easier on the senses of everyone involved.

Difference 3) No matter what physical state you are currently in(the stomach flu for yours truly), you WILL attend the family meal and help mind the children.

My Family(ok, not the entire extended family follows this one, but my immediate family does) adhere to the fact that germs are easily spread, and hence please keep yours AT HOME.

Difference 4) Family feuds are to be heard, and participated in by all. With the climaxing shout of, "It's Christmas for Christ's sake!" with various family members scattering to different parts of the house to sulk.

My Family, that I can ever recall, has NEVER had such an outburst during a family function. Perhaps because the women are well known silent fummers and only explode out of eye/ear shot and are masters of the passive-aggressive tactics of evil eyes, heavy sighs and Catholic Guilt.

The upside to the whole adventure was the trip into the City where I got to see the sun set over skyscrapers and the additional trip to an Outlet mall where my fabulous leather coat and matching handbag were purchased. Merry Christmas!!!!!!