Saturday, July 07, 2012


Next week is "THE APPOINTMENT", which is quite literary how even the O.B. staff refers to it. With the dawn of new technology, it has become more common place to find out the sex of the as yet born child.  I am completely and utterly torn on this point. To have a definitive answer would make some things easier to decide on. Nursery theme. 50% fewer names to come up with/chose from. Stocking up on baby clothes. etc. When we first got the news that this extremely long, emotionally defeating, needle infested process had FINALLY taken hold, F claimed to want to know; he has since changed his tune, SEVERAL times over.  I however, am unsure. After "When are you due?" is asked, the follow up of  "Are you finding out what you're having?" is hot on off the lips.  I waffle between wanting to know and sticking with "tradition" and not finding out.
It did occur to me after my Mom asked me if she could attend "THE APPOINTMENT" since she had never seen an ultra sound before that the "tradition" of not knowing was not so much of a tradition as it was just how things were. They had no way of telling until the baby came out. Many blogs and websites are split 50-50 on this topic.  Anyone you talk to will have an opinion on this.
 I am going to be completely honest about this, please do not judge me. I want a girl, and I am concerned and disappointed in myself that I will be horribly upset if we find out we are having a boy. Of course I want a HEALTHY baby, no matter the sex. And I WILL love this hard fought for child NO MATTER what. Let me be clear about this. I already love this child. How could I not? It is the coming together of F and I. 50-50. I have always pictured myself with a family of both girls and boys, but since this is most likely the only child we will have, I want a girl.  I adore boys, they are just as cute and of course momma's boys, what is not to love? I am just confessing what I feel.  Granted our family is short on the male side. We are clan that produces girls, so me having a boy would make my only nephew probably extremely happy.
But there it is. My darkness in my heart.
This pregnancy has brought about many feelings in me. Fear. Love. Doubt. Joy. Shame.
Today I am sharing my shame of myself. Shame for giving thought to my baby beyond its health and well being. I am going with the Shame because I cannot handle the bone chilling, heart stopping, tears inducing Fear that something will be wrong with little dh.
So judge me if you will. Just know you cannot judge me any harsher than I am already judging myself.


each of the two said...

First off- congratulations! and the best of luck, its going to be an amazing, horrifying, fantasy of a time!
You must give yourself a break, you are in the throes of crazy emotions and hormones, you are making a human, a perfect human and that's hard work.
Sharing my (our) personal experience; we are some of the few the proud who in fact did NOT find out the sex of our child till he came out to meet us, not only do we have no regrets but we will do so with future children we might be blessed with. I always wanted to wait and my husband wanted to know. I asked him why, he told me "because thats just what you do"- since when? Personally, I was never doing a gender specific nursery I like too many color combos and modern appeal. I have lots of generous friends and family who gifted us with new and handme down items, my babe is nearly 1 and still has loads of gently used apparal to grow into. and other than a gender specfic nursery OR clothes, I cant think of a single reason one HAS to know about an "innie" or "outie". I loved the wonder of it,the mystery, the old fashioned-ness. Mostly I loved that as this tiny perfect being came sliding out of my body after months of effort and hours of hard work our midwife graciously let my husband- the first person on the planet to know the sex of our child- inform me what we had made together. Its such a beautiful moment I will never forget. and for you, perhaps since you are so hopeful for a pink flavor babe, when they lay this slimy perfect, squishy pink wiggle bug on your chest the love and emotions are so great it wont matter one bit whats between its legs, maybe that's what you need.
OR- you could be more like my brother in law and need time to connect or come to gripes with the situation, he was pretty removed from my sisters pregnancy until they found out "it" was a "HIM" (and second time around a "HER"), making "it" a person and not just a theory.
Dont know if I was helpful but I sure hope you happily come to a decision!

Tracy said...

We didn't find out for either of our kids. Luckily we both agreed and in actual fact - we forgot to look when our son was born until several minutes later - it just wasn't important.

Do what you 2 want & don't feel guilty or pressured into anything by anyone else. There is no right or wrong thing to do.