Next week is "THE APPOINTMENT", which is quite literary how even the O.B. staff refers to it. With the dawn of new technology, it has become more common place to find out the sex of the as yet born child. I am completely and utterly torn on this point. To have a definitive answer would make some things easier to decide on. Nursery theme. 50% fewer names to come up with/chose from. Stocking up on baby clothes. etc. When we first got the news that this extremely long, emotionally defeating, needle infested process had FINALLY taken hold, F claimed to want to know; he has since changed his tune, SEVERAL times over. I however, am unsure. After "When are you due?" is asked, the follow up of "Are you finding out what you're having?" is hot on off the lips. I waffle between wanting to know and sticking with "tradition" and not finding out.
It did occur to me after my Mom asked me if she could attend "THE APPOINTMENT" since she had never seen an ultra sound before that the "tradition" of not knowing was not so much of a tradition as it was just how things were. They had no way of telling until the baby came out. Many blogs and websites are split 50-50 on this topic. Anyone you talk to will have an opinion on this.
I am going to be completely honest about this, please do not judge me. I want a girl, and I am concerned and disappointed in myself that I will be horribly upset if we find out we are having a boy. Of course I want a HEALTHY baby, no matter the sex. And I WILL love this hard fought for child NO MATTER what. Let me be clear about this. I already love this child. How could I not? It is the coming together of F and I. 50-50. I have always pictured myself with a family of both girls and boys, but since this is most likely the only child we will have, I want a girl. I adore boys, they are just as cute and of course momma's boys, what is not to love? I am just confessing what I feel. Granted our family is short on the male side. We are clan that produces girls, so me having a boy would make my only nephew probably extremely happy.
But there it is. My darkness in my heart.
This pregnancy has brought about many feelings in me. Fear. Love. Doubt. Joy. Shame.
Today I am sharing my shame of myself. Shame for giving thought to my baby beyond its health and well being. I am going with the Shame because I cannot handle the bone chilling, heart stopping, tears inducing Fear that something will be wrong with little dh.
So judge me if you will. Just know you cannot judge me any harsher than I am already judging myself.