Back East.....Back Seat

We are going back east to visit F’s family and his friend who is home on leave. This is the first visit back since we got ENGAGED, and honestly? I am PETRIFIED. I’m afraid that there’s going to be a “last minute” engagement party sprung on us, at his church, and that? So not cool. And in more than a “OMG, this is sooooo the wrong outfit for an engagement party!!!!” stand point. When I broached the topic with him, about this maybe happening? Yeah, it didn’t help that his answer was, “No, that’s not going to happen. *pause* But if there are Homeland People at the Birthday party, do not, DO NOT answer them if they ask what our living arrangement is. Just pretend you didn’t hear them.”

Um? Sorry? Really? People I don’t know from Adam (yes I sometimes talk like a 90yr old) would actually ask me if I’m living in sin? And you want me to PRETEND I didn’t hear them? Surely, you jest? So of course, all this morning I’ve been running in my head things I could say that would let them know they are crossing the line with the American Girl. And of course, I’ve also been practicing the tone of voice in which to say it as well. Because as my mother always told me, “It’s not WHAT you say. It’s HOW you say it.” And really, ladies, we all know this, right? (insert your ME-OW here).

1. Polite smile, slightly condescending tone, “Why do you ask?”
2. Puzzled look, bewildered tone, “Who are you?” Their answer. Another bewildered tone, “Hmmmmmm, well I don’t really see how that is any of your business?”
3. Polite smile, pat on the arm, slightly condescending tone, “In this matter, you need not concern yourself.”
   

Or am I going about this completely wrong? Should I follow his advice and ignore them? And what happens if they go even further and start asking when we’ll be having kids?

1. Horrified look, “Don’t you think we should get MARRIED First? I mean, that’s how it works where I come from!”
2. Polite smile, “Well, we’re not planning on having any kids until those that keep asking us are willing to be financially responsible for them. How much can I put you down for?”
3. Puzzled look, “Are you asking me about my ovulation cycle?”
4. Completely serious look, “Not until we can find a proper surrogate. I don’t need to be bothered with all that pregnancy stuff.” Look them up and down, “Are you offering us your uterus?”

What do you think? How would you/have you handled these situations?