Friday, February 15, 2013

Not What I Expected

We went through a lot to get Little Man. And now that we have him I am finding I don't want anyone else who isn't blood related to have him.
This is going to be a major problem.
In the beginning, before he arrived F and I were looking at day care places. I remember sitting in the first place feeling just fine about leaving him there until we started discussing drop off and pick up. And that's when the panic set in. It wasn't the person or the center that I had an issue with, it was with the base premise of leaving him. I don't want to leave him.
This has been delayed by the fact that my mother up and announced at my shower that she would be watching Little Man when I went back to work. This was news to us. VERY WELCOMED news. So for the last few weeks I have been happily dropping Little Man off with his very loving Grandma. She loves having him, I love her having him, all is right with the world.
Until this morning.
Last night she asked for a week off. Not a problem!  This morning she upped it to two weeks and when I hesitated she then tells me that we'll have to put him in daycare come April. Now I am sitting here at my desk with the bile churning in my stomach and tears welling in my eyes. He is just a BABY!!! He needs cuddles and love, not to be one of many. This is going to kill me, I can tell. I already feel like I am missing out on so much. I hardly see him at all as it is. But to hand him off to strangers when he is just months old. I can't fathom the idea. I never expected this from myself. I thought I would be glad to rejoin the adult world. And to an extent I am. But I miss him so much. I don't want him smiling at someone else. I don't want him adoring someone else. I want him to be all ours. Sharing with family is one thing, but sharing with outsiders? I can't do it. Oh how my heart is breaking already.
Why does this have to be so hard? Why can't I work from home? I don't need to be in this office to do what I do! Why can't we be rich enough for me to stay home or work part time?
I'm going to go cry while I pump now.


Tracy said...

Oh Hon, I do feel for you. It is hoing to be so hard leaving him in daycare, especially when it has been sprung on you like this. I think your Mum could have handled it better too but - what's done is done.

Facts are, like a lot of us unfortunately being a stay at home Mum is not an option so you need to now find the best daycare option where your baby will be loved & get lots of cuddles.

It sucks & you will bawl all the way to work but I promise, he will be fine.

Tracy said...

How are you? I hope everything is all ok & bubs is happy & healthy.