What DO You Know Costco?

So, what are you telling us about Mother's Day Costco?
Arrive with flowers AND a survival kit?
What if you have more than 4 people in your family?
If you buy 2, do you get a discount?

Do People Really Fall for This Crap?

Some how, I don't think the FBI is using Yahoo! for their email server.
I could be wrong.

Um, Groupon. Really??

Groupon, some things you just shouldn't offer

I Was Ahead of My Time

I believe I already called this one. FIVE YEARS AGO.

Although the Vanilla Extract is a new one.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

It Be DONE Yo

From this dull nastiness

To this "Spa Like" loveliness
co-worker's words, not mine.

My favorite part is the tile mosaic, which everything was built around

What I am Doing This Weekend

F slide into the curb and broke the Van.
The Van was one it's last leg and this broke it. We were discussing the purchase of another vehicle, new or used we hadn't decided. This little icy road induced incident however, forced us to decide.

So, this weekend we are picking up MY BRAND NEW mode of transportation:

Honda CR-V in pictured color

Sadly we are NOT getting this:

A small amount of $382 gets you a Honda approved  tent to attach to your car.

because I was unaware until I went searching for a picture to post on here that a TENT was even an option.

I'm gonna ask F if he thinks we can still add it on when we pick up the car.

I See The Finish Line

Ok, so I know it has been awhile folks. We have been so very busy I can't even explain it all.

HOWEVER, somethings have moved forward. 

The House, IT BE SOLD ya'll!!!! The Mortgage Co finally got off their collective asses and approved the sale. This occurred after an intense panic attack brought on by an email F received from our Realtor/Next door Neighbor.

­ I was at home with a major headache and he calls me, “Did you see the email from Realtor???”

“No, why?”

“Something about needing papers? I’ll forward it to you.”

“OK, let me check.”

Now mind you, we had gotten an e-mail right after the New Year telling us the buyer was getting “ansty” to close.  It ever so lightly hinted that he might pull his offer. This sent us into a tailspin. And now, after that had calmed down, we get this email that had gotten F in a frenzy.

I read the email and felt it was directed at the buyer and the buyer’s agent for the need for some papers to be signed. F however was not satisfied with my assessment and insisted on calling Realtor. Who in turn informed him that the Buyer wanted to close NEXT WEEK.  I believe this was on a Wednesday.  F was mad at me for not being more involved, even though mind you, I’d received no indication or even the email stating this, that is was eminent. I supplied F with our Lawyer’s phone number and sat at home worrying myself over the loss of the sale, F’s anger, my pounding headache, you name it.

When F finally arrived home, he claimed not to be angry. He did not get ahold of our Lawyer, but left him a message.  It all turned out to be the Buyer’s Agent wanting this buttoned up before she went ON VACATION. Thank you, you simple mind wench for giving me a heart attack. 

She went on vacation, came back, and we closed a few weeks later. What was the rush? Really?

Also, the Negotiator ticked me off by stating, "I BELIEVE these are the papers you need." When pushed about the final approval letter from said Mortgage Co. I in return stated to my Lawyer and Realtor, "Am I the only one who thought 'She BELIEVES? Shouldn't she KNOW?'"

That aside, we will be single home owners once again! With some extra money in our pockets!!! YIPPIE.

Oh, also, my bathroom went from this:

Peel and Stick Tiles(which was coming up) laid over 1955's 1 inch tiles

To this:

Studs and a new sub floor

Gotta love a good reno. I think by the time it is done I will be banned from quoting anything from Mike Holmes.

GLUE IT AND SCREW IT BITCHES.

Hard Core Yo!

PCH is coming at ya strong !! They be rollin with the BIG DOGS
WOOF WOOF

Really PCH??? This rough and tumble look is a bit much. It makes me think your money is dirty.
Mob ties??

Ed would be so distressed.

Sailing along in a Whirlpool…

  “Hurry up and Wait.” 

I remember when my sixth grade music teacher announced to us new sixth graders that is was going to be the way of the world from here on out. Even at the all-knowing age of 13, this concept dawned anew, yet very wise to me.  You tend to forgot this, when you are waiting for 45 minutes in a paper gown on crinkled paper atop a pleather table, or on hold with the electric company; but I think if we kept it in mind during these moments it would help alleviate some of our blood pressure issues.

My most recent case of “Hurry Up and Wait” pertains to the Short Sale of my house.  Things were sailing along rather smoothly despite the Mortgage Company and their feet dragging ways or the buyer deciding they needed to be an LLC and the Mortgage Company saying no.  We had moved past that. The Mortgage Company came with an offer, PAY US MONEY for the next five years and we’ll call it good. I, in need to be done with this, was ready to jump at the offer as is. Our Attorney, (and F) decided it would be best to go back to the Mortgage Company with our pockets out and the lint dangling from our elbows as we croakedly asked, “Please Sir, can you make it less?”

Fine, less out of our pockets is a good thing. I agree. But time is of the essence here, and all this back and forth takes TIME. Lots and LOTS of time.  Mortgage Companies move SLOWLY, even when it comes to collecting your money. Just read the news about how far behind they are on foreclosures, at least a year.  So I was settled in for a long wait. Our Realtor had told us at the onset of the process that the minimum was six months.  We are at month FOUR from the ORGINIAL offer.  On October 19^th  the Original Buyer decided to be an LLC. We then moved through changing names and resubmitting the NEW Buyer offer to the Mortgage Company. New Buyer appeared on October 28^th.  That puts us at TWO AND A HALF months. As opposed to SIX.  Am I wrong that I started counting over when we had to change names? That took time.  Plus the Original Buyer took a little trip out of the country and papers weren’t getting signed or notarized, and that was a cluster.  So here we are, two and a half months later, after THREE major holidays, and the “Buyer” Original or New I am not sure, is “(g)etting antsy.” So says the Buyer Realtor.

Seriously dude?  Now I know I thought your realtor was kinda flaky, but I at least figured since she made such a show of how many short sales she was juggling she would have told you that this takes time. Months of time.  Apparently, I was correct in my judgment of her lack of sense.  I gave her too much credit.  Silly me. I do have a problem when it comes to going with my gut instincts. It has been an issue I have struggled with since childhood.  That aside, I truly do hope the ants get out of your pants, or I may be suing you for mental anguish if you pull out of this sale. I cannot take much more of this.

Patience is a virtue. 

Please have some of both.

There Was No Snow for Christmas.....

And no Peace and certainly not Joy.

That's right my digital friends, F and I drugged and packed up Puppy and headed Back East to spend the Lord Jesus' Birthday with his family.
 I have to say that once again this year things were less drama filled than in the past. However, F and I found ourselves smack dab in the middle PLUMBING GATE: 2011. Please read here about the use of vinegar and baking soda. FIL attacked F about our use of T.P. as the cause of PLUMBING GATE: 2011. F HIT THE ROOF. He told FIL not to accuse him and his wife(that would be me) of causing a problem he (FIL) already knew he had and refused help in fixing. Apparently FIL's response was: "Oh, so you're going to be a MAN now are you?"
Oh, the love, it is overwhelming.
After this little male pissing contest we took MIL shopping. F turned on her in the car. She refused to talk about it which enraged F even more. He declared, once again, that we would NOT be staying at their house when next we visit. She declared that in THAT case we need not visit, AT ALL.

And here my digital friends is where FIVE YEARS ( i know, not all that long compared to some, but quite long for me) of keeping my peace came to a very dramatic end.
I LOST MY COOL.
I YELLED. YELLED. Not spoke sternly. Not through gritted teeth and pursed lips. FULL ON YELLED at MIL.
I don't remember verbatim what I said, but the gist was; Stop the drama! Do not Threaten us! Not visiting is VERY MUCH an option as far as I'm concerned, so DO NOT PUSH ME.
 F, was stunned. I was stunned. MIL was crying.
MIL's response was that she wasn't threatening us, that we just don't understand what it is like with HIM everyday since we are only there ONCE a YEAR and ONLY for a FEW Days. (ah, still able to get a dig in). It hurts her feelings that we don't want to stay in  her house; and how would we feel if she did that? I told her I wouldn't care. Whatever made her most comfortable was fine by me.

I apologized for yelling. And then I told her she could come visit us, that we want her to come visit us. She wailed that she can't go anywhere!
She was still crying, F was crying. I was shocked and horrified at myself. I was also waiting for F to lose his shit on me for losing mine on his mamma.
I did feel some sense of relief though, I have to say. My friend at work felt that it was unfair that MIL took the verbal beating for FIL, but as I told  her, she lets him get away with it and sits silently by as the victim. And who knows? A verbal beat down most likely is still in FIL's future.
Oddly enough, all was well after that. FIL even called a plumber. I wish I had been a fly on that wall for conversation with MIL and FIL about me losing my cool.  Why else would he suddenly decide to call a plumber? Maybe I am over crediting myself, but who knows. SOMETHING knocked some sense into him, if only temporally.
There were no ugly clothes received this year. W and T only fought once. The boys LOVED Puppy almost to death. No, really, they were very good with her. FIL groused that he had NO say in Puppy coming with us, to which F said we would happily have stayed at a hotel. Disbelief all around that a hotel would allow a pet. F and I both lost our cool with the boys once over a slapping incident. We both slept like shit despite the new mattress, see link above.
And, I did NOT get sick!! How amazing is that??

2012, Stay in Your Own Decade Please

So, I signed up to received these news letters from these people. Probably because they said if I did I'd have a chance to win something. They presented themselves as  hip e-news for today's women.
But then I got this, and I'm thinking maybe not so much................

TURBAN HEADBANDS. WTF??? NO. Just, NO.

Hansel & Gretel Couldn’t Have Left a Better Trail

    I swear to all that is Holy there is a well-marked road map and several sign posts with possible runway lights that lead straight to our dishwasher and kitchen. It is miniature sized. Mouse sized. We have another one, or several, or however many.  F and I were away on vacation for a week. Puppy was at the Dog Sitter’s house.  When I entered the kitchen I noticed all the “spare” pieces of food Puppy had left on the floor surrounding her bowl were gone. Then within minutes of Puppy making it in the house she was tail deep in a corner of the kitchen where we keep a bag of bags.  I thought that was odd since she never goes in that corner.  I moved said bag aside and low, there were droppings. 

“Shit.”

Then as I grabbed the bread to make myself some toast, I noticed a hole in the bread bag.  “Is that melted? From being by the toaster oven?…. even though it was nowhere near the toaster oven?”  Then I noticed the chunk of bread missing.

“Fucking shit.”

Checking the counter top where said bread was kept I spied more dropping.

“Mother Fucking SHIT!!!!!!!!!”

I started opening all the drawers looking for more droppings because that is where they have been the last few times. I saw none. I also saw none in the dishwasher.  Another favorite spot.

“This could be not so bad.”

“F! the mice are back! Please call an exterminator ASAP. I am sick of dealing with this.”

F: “grumble, complain, makes excuses…..”

Next day

“Holy shit! The mice have made it into the half bathroom! Please call an exterminator!”

F: “grumble, complain, makes excuses…..”

Another Day Passes

Puppy and I are filling the dishwasher when I open the door and there is a small grayish thing sitting there.  I realize it is a mouse and slam the door shut hoping to knock it unconscious with the door.  Puppy is completely clueless even though half of her breed is “standard size dachshund was bred to scent, chase, and flush out badgers and other burrow-dwelling animals”.  Mice are burrow dwelling, aren’t they? Anyway, she did nothing.  The mouse was dazed, but not completely out of it. I stared at it for several moments trying to decide if I should just reach into the dishwasher and grab it. I was afraid it would bite me. During my indecision period the mouse had made it to its goal, the vents or something in the bottom of the dishwasher door.  It crawled right up in there. Where it went from inside the dishwasher door I have no idea.

“F! The mouse is in the dishwasher door!!!”

“I don’t know what to do about that, I have no idea how to get to it. Just run the dishwasher.”

So I did.  Then I washed all the knives and emptied the drawers. Everything is now on the dining room table and you have to walk there to get a knife, or spoon or fork. 

F is picking up mouse traps today.

Spoon Me

F and I have joined Weight Watchers.  I am more points conscious than he is. He hasn’t logged a point since we’ve started and he’s lost 4.6lbs. I have logged like crazy and have lost a mere 2.4lbs.  I know men lose faster than women do, but seriously, twice as much? And without doing any of the work? So not fair.  Anyway, we signed up for the E-Tools because it has an App feature. I think it sucks, but whatever.  I was logging some cake and noticed the “cheat sheet” icon. So I clicked on it for the Mexican Fiesta! Who doesn’t love a good Mexican Fiesta? Exactly.  I am reading the tips they give; stay away from the chips, get veggies, skip the margarita(HA!), get the smaller size, etc. When I read one tip and said to myself, REALLY? FUCKING REALLY?? WHO WOULD DO THAT???

“Speak up if you have special requests. Ask for salsa or pico de gallo instead of an oily salad dressing or cheese sauce. Order your fajitas with only one tortilla so you can save PointsPlus values and enjoy the rest of the filling on its own. Find out if they can bring sour cream and guacamole out on teaspoons instead of in a bowl or cup. All these little changes together will save you a lot of fat and calories.”

On teaspoons. TEASPOONS. I can just imagine the reaction of the server. “Teaspoons? You want teaspoons?”

“Yes, of sour cream.”

“What?”

If someone has done this I would really like to know because that just blows my mind

“Excuse me! Yes, I’m ready for my next teaspoon of sour cream please!”

How about using just a knife’s worth of sour cream instead of slopping it on? That is a more reasonable to do tip, don’t you think?

What is the craziest thing you have requested when ordering your food? Did you have a “When Harry Met Sally” moment?

Advise Me Please

For the last several years I have been on the hunt for a new winter coat. The coat I currently have, albeit extremely warm is over 10 years old. I bought it while still in college. I graduated from college in 1998. Needless to say, it is out of fashion.

Ahem.

Anyway, I thought it would be extremely easy to lay my hands on a coat that I would love. I do after all live in the Midwest, home of the great white winters and freezing temps. I could not believe how sadly mistaken I was. This hunt has gone on for at least 3 years now. I came oh so close last year while “Back East” for Christmas, but they did not have it in my size.  Bastards. However, it did lead me to know that I could find a coat in their store if I started looking early enough.  The ninety degree heat of August was apparently the right time.

I purchased about six coats, all of wool. I settled on this little number.

I really love it. I will wear it without the belt however because it just cuts me in the wrong spot. It is currently with ES because in order for the coat to close over my chest I had to order a bigger size. So she is taking it in to give it more of a nice shape.  The color is amazingly rich and the double collar really completes the look.

Where I am stuck at however is what color I should have for accessories. My last coat was tan suede so it really doesn’t go with egg plant.  Because the throat/upper chest area is so open, and I’ve been known to get bronchitis at the drop of a hat, I really need to have this area covered and warm.  So I need scarf. And of course matching gloves.  My neighbor and I thought dark green, but then I decided that I didn’t want to actually look like this:

So I’m on the hunt for color suggestions. Cream? I already have a lovely cream scarf from my mom to go with another coat. But I don’t know if it would "pop" enough.  I’d really like to stay away from black. Multicolored? I just don’t know! HELP ME my digital friends!!!

Check THESE Out!!

Crazy Co-Worker has been on a shopping spree and likes to show and discuss with me her new outfits. I am more than happy to talk clothing with people. Hit me up anytime!
However, when you corner me in the bathroom and force me into this conversation, well, I'm not so inclined to chat with you.

"You know DH, these new clothes of mine are great. I even got new underwear."
"Really?"
"Yep. I like the silky ones, you know? And these new ones, you can wear instead of a slip because they are made out of slip material and don't show your panties lines. Have  you heard of them?"
"No?"
"We I really like how they feel. And around the leg they have these ridges, to keep them down."
"Yes, made of rubber, right?"
"YES! Like see these leopard print ones *pulls down her waist band about 4 inches to expose said silky leopard print* Are real nice, feel them."
I of course hesitate. Feeling someone else's underwear while they are wearing it? Odd.

"Go, on."
I gingerly touch said leopard print silky underwear on CCW's exposed hip.

"Right?? Nice!!"

"Yes, very." (please don't let anyone walk in right now!)
"But you see when I wear them with regular stockings they fall down! So I spend all my time hitchin and yankin them back up."

I giggle as she makes the motions in the bathroom mirror of hitchin and yankin up her nylons. I mean really, how could I not relate to that?

"But when I wear these kind of stockings, *exposes her leg to show me tights* They work perfectly!"

"That makes sense."  I say as we both head towards the door. "Just know CCW, that I won't being feeling any new bras you may have gotten."

"*LOL* oh DH, you're the ONLY one I've told about my panties!"


Lucky me.

Now is Not the Time

The "Buyer" of my house has requested that he be listed as an "LLC" or a "Limited Liability Company" on the sale even though that is not how he presented himself on the paperwork and that is not who I agreed to sell to.  The Mortgage company will not allow it.
Please Lord, let him back down on this point. We really need to be done with this house.
Say some prayers for me my digital friends.
*****The Mortgage Company/Bank has refused to sell the property to an LLC.*****
The Buyer is backing out.
We are fucked.
Thanks again Mortgage Company.

Baby Bump Frump

Hark back my dear digital readers to a time when Mrs. Nosey was the main thorn in my side. This post, little did I know at the time, would be the first time you’d meet Mrs. Mannerless full on.  Mrs. Mannerless was one of Mrs. Nosey’s victims in this post.   Mrs. Mannerless is the complete opposite from Mrs. Manners, let me tell you.  When Mrs. Mannerless started about a year ago she was one of the replacements for Crocs lady and Ms Snippy. At first we rejoiced that Crocs lady and Ms Snippy were gone! YAY!!! HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN!!! No more rudeness!!! No more complaining about stupid shit! Finally, the little things we do for others would be appreciated.

Um, yeah, NO. The first time I had any interaction with Mrs. Mannerless, was shortly after she started.  You would think that this would be the time to impress people right? First impressions and all? I should have known then. SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. I was expressing my displeasure to Mrs. Mannerless about a co-worker who had different standards for their own work related time lines than what they had for other people’s work related time lines.  Mrs. Mannerless proceeds to tell me that at her OLD job people would always make excuses for why their work wasn’t done. At this point in the conversation we were in complete agreement. She then continues to tell me how annoyed she would get that people complained about her and her lack of friendliness.

“They didn’t like me much over there.  They complained that I wasn’t nice enough to other people. I guess they wanted me to say ‘Hi how was your weekend? Can I have that report today?’ Instead of just telling them, 'I need the report!'  I don’t come to work to make friends; I come to work to WORK!!”

My mouth fell open, I can tell you that. I have very little interaction with Mrs. Mannerless, but I can tell you, she thinks she is never wrong, even though clearly she is. I had to turn a situation over to our Boss because Mrs. Mannerless refused, FLAT OUT REFUSED that the mistake was on her end. “I don’t know what to tell you, my stuff isn’t wrong.”  I don’t think I need to say, that, um, yeah, it was.

Anyway, Mrs. Mannerless and the other pregnant lady were both having issues with their pregnancies, and were due within days of each other. So we needed to have their baby showers ASAP. And because they were so close with their due dates, we decided it would be best to have a joint baby shower. We consulted both parties as to when would be a good time to throw this little shin-dig and the first lady responded with a short little e-mail giving us the dates available. Mrs. Mannerless gave us a detailed listing of why certain days would not work, or might work, but really she just wasn’t sure since she was SO BUSY and could deliver at any moment!  And oh, BTW, don’t buy me any 0-9 month clothing, because I received PLENTLY of those from my OTHER SHOWER. And would really like to have stuff from my Babies-R-Us* registry.

Well, Yes. Why thank you for being completely thorough.

We took time to go buy decorations for the shower, ordered a cake, bought food, even had games, the whole 9. I missed the actual shower because I had to leave to get insurance for my house.  Different story, I might tell you about it. Anyway, Mrs. Mannerless continued with her shower related shenagains  by complaining that her name was on the cake in PINK, and didn’t we know she was having a BOY? We were unaware what the other lady was having so we had the cake done in pink and blue. How were we to know that by not specifying the COLOR of the FROSTING on a CAKE, we would be offending someone?  We collected money for both ladies to purchase gift cards so that they may buy what they wanted/needed from their registry at Babies-R-Us*. I’m sure you will be completely shocked by the fact that Mrs. Mannerless garnered less monetarily than did the other lady. Mrs. Mannerless felt that we took the easy way out by getting said gift cards. She announced this feeling in front of 2 of her bosses and the other pregnant lady. During the party. Our Big Boss got up and left she was so disgusted by it. Needless to say those of us who planned said shower were greatly incensed upon hearing these complaints. I threatened to go take the lame gift card back from her and tell her that she gets nothing! How about nothing you ungrateful bitch!?!?!

So imagine, if you will our out and out rage and disgust upon further learning that Mrs. Mannerless was quite unhappy with having to share her baby shower with someone else.  An office mate with whom she openly discussed her pregnancy issues for nine months. And daycare needs. And god only knows what else.

I shared my office bridal shower with 2 other brides and 2 pregnant ladies. This is how it works in the office setting.  We come here to WORK after all, not socialize.

Ahem.

I hear HR is going to inform Mrs. Mannerless that is inappropriate to be an ungrateful, unsociable, unfriendly bitch.

Damn that she is already on maternity leave.

Change Day

So this is what happens in the Midwest when you go from 70 degrees and sunny one day to 55 cold, windy, rainy and the heat is out in the office.

Yes, those yellow things are baby chicks
And not that you care, but the heels are by Aerosoles, my most favorite brand in all the world.

SOCKS, with DRESS SHOES because the weather changed over night and I haven't had time to change my Wardrobe from "Summer" to "Winter". Also know as changing from "Open Toe" to "Closed Toe". Basically, I haven't washed my knee highs, or as the store calls them so you don't feel like your Grandma, "Trousers Socks" yet. Guess I'll have to dig them out of storage. Fun fun.

Some how I don't see my style making Big Mama's Fashion Friday edition any time soon.

Sell Already, PLEASE

I’ve told you about the Short Sale.  It is currently in a holding pattern because the Buyer sent back his “I swear I’m not going to flip this house” affidavit back without it being notarized.  Seriously, F and I don’t understand how the Mortgage company can make such demands of him, but whatevs, if he is willing to sign it, it is up to him either not do it, or do it and not get caught; and it is up to the Mortgage company to enforce it. Right? F and I are completely out of that part of the equation. FINE BY ME.  Our Attorney also keeps asking for the Buyer’s proof of funds, but I swear to you, it was sent. And I forwarded it to him AGAIN the other day. He even told me back when he first got it that he used it as an example in another short sale for the buyer there. I really don’t need the added stress that is swirling around right now.

If  THAT isn’t enough, said VACANT house seems to be living it up while I’m not there. Lights blazing, washer/dryer/dishwasher/fridge all partying it up because last month the electric bill was $190.00. ONE HUNDRED NINETY DOLLARS. For an empty house. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?? That is $50 dollars MORE than what F and I are paying at a house we are living in, full time. With lights and cell phone charges and TVs and tons of other stuff running pretty much nonstop.  Look at the usage. “My” house: 1128 KWH. “Our” house? 741 KWH. With two people living in it. And a dog who listens to classical music while her owners are gone so she has less separation anxiety. And 2 tvs, and a fridge and microwave and well, you get the idea.

I just got off the phone with the Electric Company.  They are adjusting the bill, AGAIN. It was wrong last month too.  I think $88 bucks is a much more reasonable amount, don’t you? Let us hope we don’t have to go through this again next month, because seriously, I will go cut those lines myself.

Now I get to call the Gas Company.

Where’s the assistant who handles all this stuff?

Oh right, I’m not rich, so I have to do it myself.

Damn it.

OMG, Will it Make That Much Difference?

Sooooooooo, the Mortgage Company  has received our paperwork concerning the Short Sale. Remember the Buyer agreed to up his price to $32,500?  The Mortgage Company wants us to "counter with $35,000", because that extra $2,500 is going to make such a huge difference.  Seriously, I don't get it.  If they Fuck up this sale for $2,500 I am going to be extremely pissed and in need of very heavy amounts of medication.
What a crock of shit this whole process is. I had to fill out and sign an  affidavit that I am in financial trouble and I also have to fill out AGAIN my income stats AND supply bank records. Even though we filled all that crap out and supplied it to the attorney like 6 months ago. I'm pretty sure he turned that all in with our original paperwork.
I should have gone for a liquid lunch.