Let the TMI Begin

You, my digital friends have been introduced to Mrs Mannerless. Mrs. Mannerless has often cornered her pregnancy partner and regaled her with all manner of stories and updates, much to her PP's displeasure. Let us call Mrs. Mannerless' pregnancy partner Rustie. (yes Rustie is a woman, a very nice one at that. Trust me on this.) Mrs. Mannerless and Rustie had their babies not even a week apart and therefore were on maternity leave at the same time. When they got back Rustie went to Mrs Mannerless' cube to inquiry about her and the baby.  Since Mrs. Mannerless sits near me I over heard the entire thing.
Rustie: "Hey, how are you?"
Mrs. Mannerless: "I'm fine. If you came here just to chat I really have A LOT of work to do and DO NOT have time to talk."
*stunned silence*
Rustie: "oh, well, I just thought I'd see how things went with your delivery. And how things are now.............."
Mrs. Mannerless: "Everything went well.....blah blah blah...whatever else she said."
RUDE!!!!!!!!! Completely and utterly rude! Yes, I will give her that she had a lot of work to do, maybe. But to be so completely and utterly rude is just, amazing.
After this little exchange Mrs Mannerless apparently changed her tune and has since decided that Rustie is her new bestie and shares EVERYTHING with her. She seem to also rather enjoy degrading Rustie's mothering skills.
The following was relayed to me via text directly from Rustie:
"Today's direct quote: "I know you don't make his own baby food but I'm super mom."
Rustie was of course completely floored by the matter of fact manner in which this was stated. She however cannot bring herself to tell Mrs Mannerless off because she's just not that kind of person.

It is because of things like this that I have been DREADING the time when  Mrs Mannerless brought her sage advice to me.
I didn't have to wait long and I was greatly validated where my sense of dread lay.

Mrs Mannerless plants herself in my cube doorway and inquires and to my plans concerning breast feeding. Mind you Mrs Mannerless is an avid breast feeder and DEMANDED time off during the day in order to leave work to go feed her child at daycare AND then a place to pump throughout the day. Our small office doesn't not employ enough people to fall under the law on supplying a Lactation Station, but they accommodated her. It has recently become common knowledge that she would extend her time in there by watching TV online on the computer in the set aside office. The computer was removed to prevent this time stealing task, which she circumvented by taking along her iPad.
That aside, let me get back to my main story.  I answered her inquiry truthfully and told her I was hoping to breastfeed. And that my digital friends is where I made my mistake. Mrs. Mannerless launches into her HORROR STORY of the lactation nurses at the local hospital. Let me just say here, that it was truly horrible and I would have been swearing bloody murder if I had been treated in such a manner, but what I didn't need, now or ever is her visual help aid. 
She told how her doula informed many of the people on the hospital staff that the baby's tongue was misshapen and therefore would  have problems latching on during breast feeding. Apparently they all choose to tune out said information when trying to help Mrs Mannerless feed her baby. When she would ask for help or complain to the lactation nurses they were rude, abrupt and completely unhelpful.  She told me that on more than one occasion they would grab her breast and shove it into the baby's mouth saying THERE, he's feeding, you just need to try harder!

Bitches! I cannot imagine being treated in such a manner!!! I still feel for her. Despite the fact that upon telling me this portion of the story she grabbed said breast to give me a visual aid to go along with her story.
Let me repeat. As she stood half in my cube and half in the hallway, SHE GRABBED HER BOOB and recreated the shoving and pinching motions for my better understanding.
Um, yeah.  I did not need to see that, let alone to help me better visual it happening while her breast was naked. I do however thank her for the warning, because no one man handles the girls, NO ONE.
Add to that Crazy Co-Worker telling me how I shouldn't be wearing my shoes and how said shoes won't fit me through the summer, and I can see why women used to leave the work force until after they give birth.

What DO You Know Costco?

So, what are you telling us about Mother's Day Costco?
Arrive with flowers AND a survival kit?
What if you have more than 4 people in your family?
If you buy 2, do you get a discount?

Um, Groupon. Really??

Groupon, some things you just shouldn't offer

Hard Core Yo!

PCH is coming at ya strong !! They be rollin with the BIG DOGS
WOOF WOOF

Really PCH??? This rough and tumble look is a bit much. It makes me think your money is dirty.
Mob ties??

Ed would be so distressed.

2012, Stay in Your Own Decade Please

So, I signed up to received these news letters from these people. Probably because they said if I did I'd have a chance to win something. They presented themselves as  hip e-news for today's women.
But then I got this, and I'm thinking maybe not so much................

TURBAN HEADBANDS. WTF??? NO. Just, NO.

Spoon Me

F and I have joined Weight Watchers.  I am more points conscious than he is. He hasn’t logged a point since we’ve started and he’s lost 4.6lbs. I have logged like crazy and have lost a mere 2.4lbs.  I know men lose faster than women do, but seriously, twice as much? And without doing any of the work? So not fair.  Anyway, we signed up for the E-Tools because it has an App feature. I think it sucks, but whatever.  I was logging some cake and noticed the “cheat sheet” icon. So I clicked on it for the Mexican Fiesta! Who doesn’t love a good Mexican Fiesta? Exactly.  I am reading the tips they give; stay away from the chips, get veggies, skip the margarita(HA!), get the smaller size, etc. When I read one tip and said to myself, REALLY? FUCKING REALLY?? WHO WOULD DO THAT???

“Speak up if you have special requests. Ask for salsa or pico de gallo instead of an oily salad dressing or cheese sauce. Order your fajitas with only one tortilla so you can save PointsPlus values and enjoy the rest of the filling on its own. Find out if they can bring sour cream and guacamole out on teaspoons instead of in a bowl or cup. All these little changes together will save you a lot of fat and calories.”

On teaspoons. TEASPOONS. I can just imagine the reaction of the server. “Teaspoons? You want teaspoons?”

“Yes, of sour cream.”

“What?”

If someone has done this I would really like to know because that just blows my mind

“Excuse me! Yes, I’m ready for my next teaspoon of sour cream please!”

How about using just a knife’s worth of sour cream instead of slopping it on? That is a more reasonable to do tip, don’t you think?

What is the craziest thing you have requested when ordering your food? Did you have a “When Harry Met Sally” moment?

Check THESE Out!!

Crazy Co-Worker has been on a shopping spree and likes to show and discuss with me her new outfits. I am more than happy to talk clothing with people. Hit me up anytime!
However, when you corner me in the bathroom and force me into this conversation, well, I'm not so inclined to chat with you.

"You know DH, these new clothes of mine are great. I even got new underwear."
"Really?"
"Yep. I like the silky ones, you know? And these new ones, you can wear instead of a slip because they are made out of slip material and don't show your panties lines. Have  you heard of them?"
"No?"
"We I really like how they feel. And around the leg they have these ridges, to keep them down."
"Yes, made of rubber, right?"
"YES! Like see these leopard print ones *pulls down her waist band about 4 inches to expose said silky leopard print* Are real nice, feel them."
I of course hesitate. Feeling someone else's underwear while they are wearing it? Odd.

"Go, on."
I gingerly touch said leopard print silky underwear on CCW's exposed hip.

"Right?? Nice!!"

"Yes, very." (please don't let anyone walk in right now!)
"But you see when I wear them with regular stockings they fall down! So I spend all my time hitchin and yankin them back up."

I giggle as she makes the motions in the bathroom mirror of hitchin and yankin up her nylons. I mean really, how could I not relate to that?

"But when I wear these kind of stockings, *exposes her leg to show me tights* They work perfectly!"

"That makes sense."  I say as we both head towards the door. "Just know CCW, that I won't being feeling any new bras you may have gotten."

"*LOL* oh DH, you're the ONLY one I've told about my panties!"


Lucky me.

Um, That Doesn't Go There

When F bought the house that we now call "ours", we were still just dating. Therefore, when he requested that the green and pink paisley couch come with the house, I didn't object all too much. What did I care? I had my house with it's own furniture.  Then we got engaged and I moved in.  It was shortly there after that I purchased the first "our house" item; a cover for said green and pink paisley couch.  With the cover the couch wasn't all that bad. But it had seen many a tushy and needed to be replaced. Thus began my campaign for leather recliners. F fought on this stating the couch was still fine. But then he sat in it for more than 30 minutes and SUDDENLY the need for recliners was a grand idea. This only took me a year to accomplish.
 Next came the part of trying to both agree on a pair of recliners we liked. I kid you not when I tell you this process took 6 months. Finally, Costco came to my rescue. We bought the recliners featured in their Connection Magazine, and the green and pink paisley couch made it's way to the Salvation Army.  This brought us back full circle to the question of where to place the desk top computer I'd finally gotten from work(after a 5 year wait, another story).  I have always wanted to place it in the "dining room" (really the 3rd bedroom in our house) which has a dead space corner, but F has always wavered between there and the other corner in the family room. Now with the couch gone, he feels there is enough room to place the computer in family room. Now starts our next debate.
One in which F made his argument against the dining room by saying, "But, I've always wanted that room to be a dining room with a daybed!"

*Mystified pause* "What???? Uh, you CAN NOT put a daybed in the dining room!!!"

*Blank stare* "I just don't have the mental power to have this conversation."

"Obviously."

A bed, in the dining room. A BED in the DINING ROOM. A room which is maybe 8x8 containing a table that seats 10. The dead space corner could not handle an entire daybed.
A BED. I just, how? The mental picture in my head. We have a spare room, with a queen sized bed and an extra queen mattress in the basement, plus a pull out queen sized couch in the living room. We do not need another bed. Let alone a BED in the DINING ROOM.
As for another "couch", we have 3, who needs another couch/daybed???
Really, where does he get these ideas??

Really Pushing the Line

Spirit Airlines. They keep pushing it with their nasty and inappropriate ads. Seriously, I would block them if they didn't have such great deals. I do have a sense of humour, don't get me wrong, but they need to know when too much is just too much. And I am just totally done hearing about this.

Red Means Go is much better at expressing the disappointment though.

I wish I had thought faster when I took their "survey" this morning, which was so totally slanted about paying more for checking in at the airport, it was totally worthless.  Ah well.

Don't Look At this While Eating......

DISGUSTING Spirit Air!!!

So yeah, GAG. Why would  you even? Who said this was a good Ad?? Seriously.

Hot off the.......

This fall we kicked our grill to the curb. It had lost both wheels and the side table fell off and the handle was broken. Plus, our own fault totally, it was incredibly FILTHY. All winter long we've been keeping our eye out for a new one. Then F was spurred on by the potential loss of power due to an ice storm.  Apparently the charcoal travel grill we have out in the garage isn't trust worthy enough in the midst of a world stopping ice storm(sarcasm in case you missed it).

So he picked up this little beauty from Home Depot......

Our New Grill

And then assembled it in our family room, but didn't want to go out in the rain to take it outside.

So now......


it is residing in our DINING ROOM

Talk about getting your food hot off of grill.

Did I Just See That?

So this made me do a double take, and then I was really kind of creeped out by it:

A Mini-Van Hearse

Does anyone else think that a vehicle built SPECIFICALLY for Soccer moms to haul live happy bouncing children being used to transport DEAD people, a tad creeptasic? Anyone? Just me?

Unconscious Convos

In the wee hours of the morning F says to me: "DH? You awake?" as he reaches over and starts rubbing my breast.
Me: "Emph." (i was still half asleep)
F: "DH,You awake? Come over here so I can tell you something funny."
Me: "Wha?"
As he continues to rub my breast: "Come on over here so I can tell you something funny!!"

It is at this point where my sleep fogged brain starts to register that he's probably talking in his sleep. It also registers that it is not happy about being awake.

Me: "Are you even FUCKING AWAKE???"

F: "Yeah! Come on, come here so I can tell you something funny." He squeezes my breast.
Me: "F. Go back to SLEEP."
F: "Fine."

2 seconds later he is giggling in his sleep.

The next morning when I ask him and recount the conversation to him, he tells me I am crazy, that didn't happen. And if it DID then he was acting out his dream and I should have went along with it.

Yes, every girl's dream, to have unmemorable sex.

Let's Recap The Last Week, Shall We??

• Friday the 21st, F's car begins to die while he's on his way home from work.
• Saturday the 22nd, we drop F's car off to be looked at. Later that afternoon they call us, $3,000 in repairs. We paid $3,600 for it not even 2 years ago. We call my mom who agrees to let us drive her car while she winters in the south. We can drive it just as soon as she re-instates the insurance on it.
• Monday the 24th. Mom instates the insurance. We pick the car up Monday night.
• Tuesday the 25th. I drive mom's car to work.
• Wednesday the 26th I drive mom's car to an appointment in the early morning and rear-end someone. I exchange information with the man involved(GIH=Guy I Hit). We agree to go to the police station separately. I call  my mother who assures me despite smashing her car, she still loves me. We take mom's car to the dealer where we are informed of my mother's $500 deductible. Great.
• Thursday morning I drive F to work. It is dark out and I am still rather skittish. That evening F gets a ride home from a co-worker. Where upon I am informed that his boss told him to take the company car and he refused despite the fact that I have a 7:40 AM appointment Friday morning. Bad planning F.
• Friday the 28th.  I get up at 5:30 AM in order to have time to take F to work and still make it to my appointment.  F drags his feet while reading Maxim in the bathroom. I barely make it my appointment. Brake lights continue to make me nervous.
• Saturday the 29th. F and I agree that after yet another appointment we would hit a home show. While leaving my appointment the GIH calls, says police says we must file report together. F and I ditch home show plans to go to station. GIH informs me that he Googled me and now knows where I work. WTF?   I received no ticket, am waiting for it to come in the mail.
• Sunday the 30th F and I are lazy and do not leave the house. F starts to empty the dishwasher and notices, MOUSE DROPPINGS. Really? AGAIN????????????????? F said he thought he had seen it on a late night water drinking trip, but couldn't be sure because he was half asleep.  We now we are sure. And the damn thing ate our BBQ brush AND the rubber wine cork stoppers. We re-washed everything. This just ticks me off. That night I notice that our "new" ceiling has a crack in it, and it's leaking.  Will this never end???
• Monday the 31st. It is mid-afternoon as I finally get around to checking my e-mail. I see a weird alert from Face Book saying I have a message titled, "Our Accident" WTF?  So, not only did GIH Google me? He found me on FB and left me this creeptastic message:

"Have a great day, Hope your mom or husband arnt to hard on you about the accident. Those things happen. Im cool with it! I don't know how to say this but I feel like the accident was suppose to happen for a reason! anyway you and "F"  have a great week. I'm praying for you guys. Are you two Christians? If I dont here from you two again I won't keep any further contact except for the accident if needed. You two seem like a great couple! Add me as a friend if you like, if not I understand as we really dont know each other. "

Time stamped? Several hours AFTER we met up at the police station on Saturday. If he's just being nice, fine, but honestly, it creeps me out. Seriously. Needless to say I'm keeping the message, JIC.
F called me. He went to pick up our van and as he was driving away the breaks semi-went out. Really? The place said they could fix them for like a Grand more. Um, not happenin. (I just told F GIH's message, he said, "Oh thank him for his kind words! We can be friends if you want to!" Not the response I was expecting.)
Major snowstorm is hitting the mid-west. Great. Like I need to add snow on top of my driving issues.
2011, What's the deal with the sucking? A month in, and you're killin me already. NOT COOL.

Is This For Real???

"Adulthood sucks...why, yes, yes it does. DH, that's why we'd like to invite you to become one of our Authors in Alexandria. You may mirror your existing posts from here or elsewhere or produce original posts there, on anything you wish, as you desire. For your contributions and participation we will blogroll you with no reciprocation required. See our Guidelines for Authors for full details. Come contribute your perspectives and opinions to the ongoing conversations there or, even better, start some new - and different - ones of your own. Contact us through the site for full invitations and instructions."

Really? I have 30 followers (love everyone of you!!) but I really don't see how that qualifies as mass appeal. I could be wrong. They may be in dire need of something to pass the time in Alexandria. Where I am not located????? I, well, hmmm. I'm tempted to be like The Bloggess and mess with them. (see Thief? that's how you give someone credit for their work.) But I just don't have it in me at the moment.

Minus The Ears

 I went and was fitted for my elephant face, minus the ears of course.  I was a few minutes early to my fitting appointment with David, my own personal on-call-but-please-don't-call-me support tech. I was willing to wait, especially after he made this proclamation to me: "Sorry if my breath smells weird, I just had shrimp for lunch." And oddly enough, I could smell that fishy smell the minute I walked in. So glad to have it explained away. I would have waited for him to get a mint to make it GO AWAY though.  David was very careful to tell me he'd sanitized his hands before he began touching my elephant trunk and nose. Of course I'm not sure that really helped after he said to me: "Sorry about the sniffling, my allergies are really bothering me."

This kid was a barrel of one liners. He was visibly and verbally surprised by my proficiency in placing the nose contraption on my head; "WOW. Most people don't figure it out right away."  Ummm, maybe you need to review the patient/tech privacy handbook there David.

There was a ton of paper work to be filled out, and David ASSURED me that he would call me within "48 to 72 hours to see how you are doing."  It has been over a week now and David has not called to check up on me, or to fill me in on the re-ordering process for the gel nose piece and it's cover. Guess I'll have to do the calling myself.

Anyhoodle, is what I came home with:

The face mask AKA the elephant nose and trunk



The "Machine"



The full contraption, assembled and ready to go



"So Comfortable...You might forget you're wearing it"
 TOTAL LIE.

I forgot to take a picture of the Sporty carrying bag. I'll have to take it out of the closet and snap a pic for ya'll.

Sandman VS Darth Vader Mask

F complains about my snoring. He says it has gotten worse in the last year. In the last few months it has become common place for him to stumble off to the guest bedroom to sleep. Needless to say, I try and keep that bed made up, j.i.c. I haven’t been sleeping well either. I chalked this up to the fact that I was trying not to disturb him, and hence became a light sleeper. On my annual visit to my Dr., she asked if I needed any refills on any of the meds from last year. I told her the one that was suppose to make me sleep didn’t work (it was for depression, um, no), she gave me an actual sleeping pill. But first she asked me one simple question, “Does he say you ever quit breathing while asleep?” I looked at her dumbfounded. This had never occurred to me. And F had never mentioned it. When I got home that evening, I asked him, “Oh Yeah. ALL. THE. TIME.”


Seriously??? I quit breathing ALL. THE. TIME. And he NEVER mentions it??

“Well, it’s more like a; pause.”

DUDE. Not cool.

The Dr. signed me up for an at home sleep study. I received one of those oxygen nose pieces, which attached to a beeper looking thing. I popped one of my new found sleeping pills (SWEET) and proceeded to sleep. A few times the nose piece came out of one side of my nose, but if I woke up, I just shoved it back in and went back to sleep. I turned it in the next day. The following day; a Friday, the sleep center called me, to set up an onsite appointment. I didn’t call them back right away. Then my Dr.’s office called. I didn’t call them back either. The weekend passed and I slept pretty crappily, as did F. Monday morning, my Dr.’s office called me AGAIN to tell me I needed to make an appointment, ASAP. Apparently the data collected said I pretty much didn’t breath at all during the night, go figure. I did tell the lady who collected the little sleeper beeper that I tend to sleep with my mouth open, and so I think that might be part of the issue. I could be wrong. Anyway, the same lady cheerfully told me that they had a cancellation for THAT NIGHT and could I make it. Stunned, I agreed. I packed up my 2 piece sleep gear (t-shirt and shorts), my “portable” CD player and headphones with fresh batteries, my pillow; the Dr. prescribed sleep pills, and a fan, just in case it got too hot in there. From 9PM to 5 freaking 30 AM the next morning, I would be trapped in a “room” away from home.

How do they really expect anyone to really sleep during these things anyway? Telling me I HAVE TO SLEEP is like telling me I can’t have a cookie, or something to drink, because then you just know you HAVE TO HAVE IT. I guess I mean, this means I won’t sleep because I HAVE TO SLEEP. And the lady said my Dr. ordered 2 tests to be done, but most times things don’t work out that way, so people end up having to go back for the second half.

Excellent.

Eve is Lookin a Little Too Much Like Adam.....

Somehow, me thinks this bathing suit is on the wrong mannequin.

I'm just sayin.........

Zappos, or more likely Nike, you may want to look into this.

Open Letter

Dear Mother Nature,

Pray tell, was it really necessary to open up the heavens in Noah's Ark proportions and rain DIRECTLY into my window whilst I was trying to order my lunch? I had to open my umbrella in my car and I still got soaked. Yes, you read that right, I had my UMBRELLA opened in MY CAR.
There are so many things wrong with that.
 Including what you did to my pants and the inside of my car.

My pant leg. Yes, that pinkish color IS MY LEG showing through the light tan Capri's I had on.

My driver's side door. The light color is the dry bits.

There was standing water in the little hand hold hole there. Yeah.

Please refrain from raining INTO my window while ordering my lunch. It is bad manners.

My Hair Apparent

I've told you all about my hair crisis recently. I am still not loving my style. I take that back, I love it immediately after my new stylist finishes it and then hate it the moment I fail in recreating it at home. What woman has not had this issue? Anyway, I have recently found a hair color that I like, a lot.  My natural color is dark ash blonde, aka, DISH WATER BLONDE. YUCK.

The color I discovered is this:

Dark Beige Blonde, or Sweet Latte.

 How can you not get behind a name like that? Once again, Target, you disappoint me. You don't have my color. WTF Target?? You keep doing this to me, make-up, hair color, other items, GONE, out of stock. Why do you love to torment little old me???

So I bought this instead:

Dark Natural Blonde or Almond Creme. Another great looking color, no?

Myself, I thought this is even a tad lighter in color, great for the coming summer, right???

Am I wrong? Let's do a side by side shall we?

No, I do not believe I am wrong, it IS LIGHTER.

So can someone please tell me why my hair is now THIS COLOR????

Medium Golden Brown aka Chestnut.

 How did this happen??????? I do not see the progression to darker, I do not. Maybe the wrong item was put in the wrong box, I don't know. But I can tell you, I DO NOT look good with dark hair. It pulls all the pink to the front in my skin which in turn makes me look old and pale. It is all wrong. Someone suggested I put in highlights, that scares me that I would end up with red highlights instead of blonde. Did I mention there are only 2 days left until we leave for the wedding Back East?

Um, yeah, now is NOT the time to be messing with my hair.  GRRRRRRRRRRRR