Monday, November 23, 2009

Not a Vampire, but oh so CLOSE!

"I made a Difference Today, I Gave Blood."


That's what my sticker said.

I was totally shocked when the lady told me I'd reached a mile stone, I'd donated an entire GALLON of my blood over the years. I even got a pin. Says "Gallons Donated 1" on the bottom there.


(worst cell pic, dang)



Then I thought about how long I'd been donating, since I was 17, when we'd had a blood drive at our high school. That memory took me back, WAAAAAY back, to the H.S. Gym, where the drive was taking place. I was fearless, unlike I am today. Then, I laughed at all the Jock guys who were paling and passing out left and right. Today, I turn my head and try to practice breathing while they insert that huge ass needle into my arm. I understand that the nurses do this, or something akin to this, every single day, and therefore have become immune to it. But honestly? I have not. I do not, repeat, DO NOT need to see the 3 bags, and 2 vials and one "mini" bag that you are going to use to store my blood. Because at 6 pm at night, having just come from work without eating, those 3 bags, 2 vials and one "mini" bag look like they are going to hold a HECK of a lot more that a pint, or whatever you are taking. Sad right? after 18 yrs of donating I'm not even sure how much they take each time. Wait, I am, because when I got my pin the nurse said,”OH! This is your 8th pint! You get the pin!!!" So, yes, it SEEMS like you are taking more than a pint. Anyway, I don't need to see it. And even more? I don't, REALLY DO NOT, need to FEEL IT. Yes. FEEL the warmth of my own blood as it flows through the tube that is laid over my arm and dangles down to the bags it is connected to. Do. Not. Need. It is in no way comforting.
Recently I've discovered that I am "sensitive" to surgical tape. One time while donating I had a mini-meltdown almost pass-out because the tape over the needle in my arm started to itch. Now this had happened before, but usually right before the nurse declared me A FULL BAG. So I always just wrote it off as an at the end sort of body reaction. However, this one time in question, the nurse did not come to rescue me. Not for quite some time. When she finally did make her way over, "How are you doing?"

"My arm tingles. And itches. A LOT."

"Hmmmm" said her voice, "MEDIC!" said her face.

P.A.N.I.C. sets in.

I start to feel sick and light headed and things just started to escalate. My worst fear is PASSING OUT.

The sweat starts. Oh lord, here we go.

She tried to talk me down, and it helped some. But the SECOND she ripped that tape off, my body started to cool down, my focus came back, and all was right with the world. Except for the lively red 2.5" swollen rectangle on my arm.

"Well, it appears you are SENSITIVE to surgical tape." the nurse informed me, "From now on have them use this....." and for the life me, I can NEVER remember what that stretchy self sticking stuff the coaches used to warp my ankle in. So now, I just tell all medical personal that my "Allergies" include codeine, Sudafed and surgical tape. Which always gets a follow up of; “Latex?" "Nope."

There was a time where I didn't, couldn't donate. My iron was always too low. But I tried, MANY times. After 17 years I should be WAY beyond 1 gallon of blood. But you know what? I bet I'm a gallon further ahead than a lot of people out there.

If you can work out for 30 to 40 mins a day, you can give blood every 56 days. Because that’s about how long it takes, depending on the wait of course. You never know whose loved one you could help save.

PSA ended.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Where's the NUTS??!?!?! (in old lady "Where's the BEEF?!?! voice)

I just ate a Hershey's with Almonds bar. Size: 1.45 oz or 41g for my digital pals across the pond.


Now I thought I remembered the days of Hershey's with Almonds, when they first came out, and it was jammed packed with ALMONDS.

This one? This one had 8 almonds. 5 and 1/2 inches of chocolate contained 8 almonds. In a straight line, down the center of the bar. Roughly 2 almonds in each square, depending on how you break your bar apart.

Seriously Hershey's??? 8 ALMONDS??? I know things are tight for everyone right now, but I would think you'd want to REWARD someone for coughing up the cash to purchase said candy bar with more than 8 measly almonds. I mean what's next? A Take 5 will only have a pretzel in ONE of the two pieces? Or maybe caramel in one of the two pieces?(depending on what package you buy of course, some come with more than 2 pieces of candy in them). Are you going to take ALL the goodness out of our candy fun?? Smaller sizes. Fewer nuts and less caramel. WHAT IS THE CANDY WORLD COMING TO????



It's called good marketing and quality products. Look into it Hershey's!!!

Monday, November 16, 2009

The answer PLEASE!

This is an e-mail I received from a friend. Some of the questions I know the answers to, but mostly this is just silly fun.


If you know the "REAL" answer, please share in the comments!!!


EVER WONDER ...


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? (different vitamins?)
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? (opening your mouth makes your eyes more taut)
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
 Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? (obviously, who is going to be the sucker to eat a mouse?)
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I'm a Kid Again

I went to Target, the evil store of extra spending, and ended up leaving with, wait for it..............


EXTRA ITEMS!!!

I always get sucked in by the $1 SPOT! This time, oh the trip down childhood lane!!! Seriously, how could I possibly walk away from SILLY PUDDY?? The ORGINAL???? This was RIGHT NEXT TO SLINKY Jr!!!! Which is METAL, not the crappy plastic! SCORE and SCORE. I can barely wait to show my new items to F. Who I'm sure will say, "We never had that when I was a kid." proceeded of course by an eye roll at my joy followed by a lecture about responsible spending.

Can you really deny me $2 dollars of happiness?

I think not.

I also considered buying one of each for my siblings just so we could play like we used to. Without the fighting of course, since we'd all have our own!

Actually, I should tell my mom so she can pick them up as stocking stuffers!!!

That e-mail will write itself!!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Another 10 minutes, PLEASE mom?!?!?!

This morning as I shuffled about getting ready for work I actually paused in front of clothes hooks and longingly looked at my oversized t-shirt and pj pants. For a fleeting moment I pictured myself dressed in these lovingly comfortable clothes with my hair in a ponytail sitting at my desk doing my work. My body sighed at the prospect of no heels or knee highs or curling iron. Then I gave a heavy sigh as the picture faded away and Adulthood snuck back in.


More and more I understand those crazy kids and their propensity for wearing their pj pants out and about in public. My new favs are a pair of Nautica pj pants from Costco (my pants are light blue and sadly did not come with pictured studly lad in them, *la sigh*). So incredibly SOFT. Seriously, pj pants are this generation's version of the sweat suit, aren't they?  When I was in elementary school I had TWO sweat suits, one in aqua and one in purple that had a dancing Kermit the Frog on them. I was STY-LIN'.

Oh and my LL Bean WICKED Good slippers. Truly, sloth heaven.

Dress code be damned! We need a pj pant and slipper day at work!!!
Who's with me?!?!?!!?!?

Monday, November 09, 2009

Can You Tell Me How to Get, How to Get to Sesame Street????

OMG. I can't believe how talented and patient Bakerella is. Check out her post commemorating Sesame Street's 40 Year celebration!!!!


Here's to 40 more!!! Best kids show, ever!!!
I totally want some of these cake pops!!

I LOOOOOOVED me some Oscar, and Cookie Monster. But I’ll have to say my FAVORITE character is Slimey the Worm. Oscar’s only true friend.




He is a worm of few words.

Who is your favorite???

Friday, November 06, 2009

Sharing is not always Caring

Today I stopped into a co-worker's office to have some candy. I was hoping she wasn't in there because this co-worker is well known for "over sharing" or as the kids like to call it, T.M.I about many things that are of a personal nature.


I was not lucky today.

Me: "I came for some chocolate."

TMI_Co-worker: "OH! Help yourself!!!"

Me: "Thanks."

TMI_Co-worker: "How is DH today?" (it is well known throughout the office that I have been sick because you can hear me coughing where ever I go.)

Me: "Oh, I'm better, sporting a headache, but better."

TMI_Co-worker: "That's good. Unlike me who is on DAY 13 of my period!"

(oh god no, here we go..........)

Me: "OMG, that is not good."

TMI_Co-worker: "I know. And it's not a regular flow either. This is full on OPEN FAUCET GUSH for 13 days!"

Me: "EW." (I do feel bad for her, but seriously??? Did I need to know that detail???)

TMI_Co-worker: "Yeah, I don't have enough, YOU KNOW, SUPPLIES to keep up with it. It's exhausting me, I'm so tired."

Me: "Wow. Have you gone to the doctor?"

TMI_Co-worker: "Oh yeah, it's menopausal stuff. Of course my husband thinks I have cancer. So he's freaking out."

It is at this point in the conversation that I find the opportunity to change the subject. And I do, QUICKLY.

She apparently did not read the same article on MSN I did, about what NOT to share with your co-workers.

Most importantly points 2, 6 and 12.

I rewarded myself with a second piece of candy before I left. I needed something to take my mind off that visual picture she painted for me.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Early Bird Gets the Worm my ASS

I roll over and squint at the clock, 3:30 AM. Why does this always happen? WHY? I get up and go to the bathroom and crawl back into bed. 3:35AM. F rolls over.
“You’re awake aren’t you?” he queries.
“Yes.”
“Why are you awake?”
“Why are YOU?” I challenge back.
“I’m just waking up, I don’t know why.”
“I don’t know either” I sigh in response.
“How long have you been awake?”
“Not long.”
He gets up and stumbles to the bathroom.
He crawls back into bed. 3:40AM.
We both toss and turn trying to get comfortable. I get up and go to the bathroom AGAIN. I look at the clock as I stumble back into bed. 3:55AM.
“Go to sleep DH.”
“I hope so.”
I tell myself that if I’m not asleep by 5AM I’m getting up and going into work.
4:20AM F begins to snore.
5:00AM I’m up. In the shower by 5:15AM musing to myself that the morning show we listen to isn’t even on yet.
5:30AM Morning show starts as I’m listening to our shower radio (wedding present SCORE!) in the shower.
Stagger about in the dark trying to stay quiet so F can at least sleep til the alarm goes off. Realize “morning show” that says it starts at 5:30AM really only plays commercials and music for the first 30 minutes instead of talking. Realize that I will hear their show in its ENTIRETY for the first time ever.
Whimper. 5:55AM
6:00AM come into room and snooze the alarm, F didn’t hear it.
6:10AM go downstairs to discover F didn’t bother hanging up my work clothes, but hung up his. FUME at him through basement floor.
6:11AM Tell F he HAS to get up because I’m leaving.
“What? Why?”
“Because I’ve been up since 5.”
“I’ve been up since 3:30AM” he attempts to trump me.
“*sigh* Fine, I’ve been AWAKE since 3:30, but up and out of bed since 5AM, ok?”
“But, what are you going to do?”
“I’m going to work.”
“But why so early?”
“What would you have me do instead?? I’m awake.”
“But it’s SOOOO early!”
“Yes. I. Know. You need to get up.”
“What time is it EXACTLY.”
6:13AM.”
Kiss F goodbye.
6:15AM Pull car out of garage. Garage door does annoying blinking-light-something-blocking-senor-blink.
6:16AM Swear. Put car in park. Get out, KICK leaves out of “line of sight” of senor eye. Push button. Light blinking again.
Swear again.
6:18AM Kick more leaves “out of line of sight”. Push button. Garage Door teases me by moving a few inches before retracting back up. Light blinks.
Try pushing and holding button to force door closed. Door moves! BUT NO!!! LIGHT BLINKING!!!
6:20AM SWEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Climb back in car, leave garage door open for F to deal with. Pull out of driveway.
6:30AM driving in the dark SUCKS!!!!
6:35AM Where am I??? Where are all the land marks?? It’s FREAKING DARK!!!
6:40AM Hungry. McDonald’s open????
6:50AM Try to remember how to unlock building. Really dark in here when all alone.
6:51AM Realize that it took 20mins less to get to work at ungodly hour, should maybe consider this a regular thing.
6:55AM Unload office dishwasher and reload office dishwasher. Make cup of tea. Like I never left home.
6:58AM Wonder when other people will begin to arrive at work.
7:05AM Jump as first co-worker arrives.
7:10AM Begin working again after morning “why are you here so early chat?” with said co-worker.
8:00AM WOW! An hour gone already??? Some people who say they get here at 7:30 SO DO NOT.
9:00AM!!!! DUDE!! TIME IS FLYING!!!!
9:20AM Breakfast!!!
10:35AM OMG. Are you serious??? It’s only 10:30??? I’ve only been here for 3 hours????
10:40AM Start this Blog entry to keep sanity.
11:17AM 45 MINS til LUNCH!!!!!!!
11:34AM omg, kill me now, it’s only been 15mins???
1:08PM Lunch is over already?? OMG. I have how much longer??????????
1:30PM????? REALLY?!?!!?!?!? FREAKING REALLY?!!?!?!?!?! AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH
2:18PM It hasn’t even be an HOUR YET???????????????
2:31PM FINALLY, an hour has gone by. Wishing I’d bought Chocolate during lunch.
4:36PM SWEET JESUS 20 mins to go!!!!!

Friday, October 30, 2009

That Was Inappropriate...

"You guys leave me a good tip??"

That is what our server asked us today as we were finishing our drinks and she was clearing away the payment folders.
We giggled nervously, and then our jaws dropped as she turned to leave.
"Well, THAT was inappropriate. " I said to my friend.
"I can't believe she asked us that! She was annoying."
"We'd better leave before we say something rude to her."
"Yeah, this place. *sigh*"
"I know."

What outrageous things have been said to you by "the help?"

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Anniversary and Stuff

I’ve been experiencing respiratory issues for about a month now. An annoying cough developed into breathing problems and bronchiolar pain. I went to the doctor and he gave me an inhaler to help with the pain and breathing. It was suppose to last an entire month the horrified pharmacist informed F and I when we went to refill it. A WEEK later.
“You could give yourself a heart attack.”
Needless to say we did not get a refill. And I took my less than happy self BACK to the doctor. A new inhaler. Which can give you a yeast infection, IN YOUR MOUTH, if you don’t rinse properly after each use, and some steroids? Problem not so solved. The cough subsided and actually went away for 2 days. But then I made the mistake of going outside in the wind and rain and the cough came back. The steroids made an excellent one-two punch in combination with my PMS. An already PMSing woman whose cravings and emotions are all over the place jacked up with some ‘roids? HELLZ YEA!!! That’ll make for an extra special anniversary weekend!!! Poor F. I wasn’t the best companion for our little get-away. I either left the rest of the steroid meds at the place we stayed at, or they are lost somewhere in F’s car. I still had a few days left of the prescription to take.
We are back now. And my cough has developed into a cold. With a side of voice loss.
F and I have decided that we just aren’t meant to take vacation because no matter where or when we go, we get cold rainy weather. And one of us, usually me, ends up sick.
In spite of all this, we did have a relaxing little get away. The fireplace made it cozy, us against the weather kind of thing. We picked up some art for the living room and several bottles of locally made wine.
It was a nice way for us to spend some time reconnecting with each other without the outside world bumping against us at every turn.
Here’s to the next 365!!!!

Monday, October 19, 2009

Who Needs to See the Play?

Here is a take on the Phantom of the Opera that never would fly in a High School lit class, which is exactly why I LOVE IT!
I always hated having to analyze the goodness out of a story. Hell, Mark Twain even tells you not to in the beginning of his books, and yet there you are, writing a paper about the haves and have nots, the social draw backs of segregation in the south and the horrible ways in which the English language can be butchered. Why can't I just read a good story???
In the above Blog entry, it is simple and to the point. And most certainly, right on. I'm assuming of course, since I've never seen P.o.t.O. But I have no doubt that is it in a nut shell.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Pillow Mind Trip

The night before last I dreamt of demonic cats who refused to leave my home. It was so realistic that when one of the devil's pets bite me, I check my hand the next morning for bite marks.

Then last night I dreamt of thick cut bacon.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Shoe Daddy

CBF and I have decided that instead of a Sugar Daddy, I need a SHOE Daddy. Someone who will give me free range to purchase any and all kinds of shoes that I may or may not be able to actually wear while standing up let alone be able to walk in.


I bought these shoes in black 2 yrs ago? And the heel cap thingie came off last winter.


I know it would be much more fiscally responsible if I took them and got them fixed, because I still love them.


But wouldn't it be way more fun to add these to my closet?


I own another pair that is very similar, but in navy blue:



And now I'm kind of in love with them in this color as well.


Or how about these?


This red is SASSY. But I have nothing to wear red sassy shoes with, so I would get them in black.


And remember these boots I bought in brown from Sears?



The buckle keeps coming off and the toe area rubber has completely eaten away so it is right down to cardboard and cloth. And I have NO IDEA how that happened since I don't scuff my feet when I walk or walk about on tip-toe. Again, I STILL Love them, but would be happy to love these as well:



Or love these.....




And how cute are these?



I have no idea why this picture is so small.

Purple. Sexy. Sassy. Who knew?

For some reason these speak to me as a Corporate Sexy cut-throat woman CEO. Amanda Woodward anyone? RRRAAAAOOOOOW.

Or you know, pretty much anything from Aerosoles.com would make me happy.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

O.M.G., how stupid are you?

Pirates held after mistakenly targeting warship
French navy chases skiff for an hour in wake of attack off Somalia’s coast

This photo released by the French navy shows pirates surrendering after allegedly opening fire on a warship off Somalia's coast on Wednesday.
View related photos

PARIS -
Somali pirates in two skiffs fired on a French navy vessel early Wednesday after apparently mistaking it for a commercial boat, the French military said.
The French ship gave chase and captured five suspected pirates.
No one was wounded by the volleys from the
Kalashnikov rifles directed at La Somme, a 3,800-ton refueling ship, French military spokesman Rear Adm. Christophe Prazuck said.
La Somme "was probably taken for a commercial ship by the two small skiffs" about 250 nautical miles off Somalia's coast, Prazuck said.
"They understood their mistake too late," he said.
One skiff fled, and La Somme pursued the second one in an hour-long chase.
"There were five suspected pirates on board. No arms, no water, no food," Prazuck said.
France is a key member of the EU's naval mission, Operation Atalanta, fighting Somali pirates in the
Gulf of Aden.
It has aggressively tracked and caught suspected pirates and handed over at least 22 to Kenya.
An additional 15 suspects were brought to France for prosecution after allegedly seizing boats belonging to French nationals.
President Nicolas Sarkozy called for tougher action against piracy last year after dozens of attacks.


HELLO!!! You can't tell the difference between a Navy ship and a cruise liner?? Seriously, these pirates have GOT to be stopped. I still don't understand how a bunch of guys in a ratty skiff out run a Navy ship for an hour. And I also don't understand how a bunch of guys in a ratty skiff can be intimidating to the point that you pull your boat over and surrender. Why aren't they being stopped? Why don't more ships carry weapons if this is such a problem??
Where is Captain Jack Sparrow???

Friday, October 09, 2009

Dash Cam

I have decided that I need one of those dash cams like the cops have, because I have to tell you, I miss many a great Blog worthy shots while driving in the car. I am never fast enough with the cell phone camera to get the pics that tell a thousand stories.

Like this one:

Queen of the "Bitch" Seat World
You go girl.

Does anyone know where I can get a dash cam? I would prefer one that took stills instead of video, because video would just take us into a whole new realm of figuring out how to get a still out of video and I can barely put this blog together.
But I can put this Blog together better than this sign is advertising some one's business.



In case you are having a hard time reading what it says:


LAWN CORING

DETHATCHING

YARD WORK


Um, HUH??? Is this landscaper speak and I'm just not hip to the lingo??

It was raining, and these young ladies found themselves without an umbrella. So they covered their coifs......





With plastic bags from 7 Eleven....


Emhmm, very inventive. I do have to give them props for quick thinking.

And these are only the pics I was quick enough to capture with my cell phone. Ah, the ones I've missed, yes yes, you are being greatly deprived.


Friday, October 02, 2009

Dream Weaver....I Need a New Weave

What does it mean when you have a dream where you preform a Britney and shave your head???

Anybody??

Friday, September 25, 2009

Bill Gates, Why Do You Hate Me So?

Dear Mr. Gates,
I desperately need you to explain something to me. You are a great humanitarian. You have given away countless amounts of money. You have your own charitable foundation. And yet, you allow the continued torture of your Microsoft Office customers by your programmers. Why is this? Where is your humanitarian spirit when it comes to us? We have “upgraded” to Office 2007 ( I know, just in time for 2010 to come out, talk to our “fabulous” tech person.) and I can’t say I’m lovin it. In fact, I can’t say ANYONE in our office loves it. The “Ribbons”, even though they sound pretty, are in truth heinous. I’m sorry, but I must be honest with you on this one. In MS 2003 I cursed your name for not allowing more than 65,500+/- records in Excel. In my job I often deal with records upwards of 75K, into the 100K. I HATED having to cut my file into two. I was always afraid I was going to miss someone. When 2007 came around I rejoiced that Excel could now handle 1 MILLION RECORDS!!!!!! SWEET HEAVEN ON HIGH!!!!! And I resolved to remove you from my shit list.
Today however, you have regained your number 1 spot back on my shit list. Today, I needed to export 756K records into Excel from Access. (please forgive me; anyone of you, who are lost at this point) It would be no problem right? ONE MILLION RECORDS, I had several hundred thousand records to play with! No sweat! Alas, Bill, may I call you Bill? Bill, I got an error message. The message told me that “Clipboard” could only handle 65K records and that I should try cutting my list into two. Whaaa? But, but, BUT!!!! This cannot be the case! You promised me ONE MILLION record capacity!!! What is the point of that if I can’t use it??? I tried exporting (I miss my office links -> analysis in excel, must EVERYTHING be exported nowadays?) it as a Text file. Same error. Bill, I don’t like getting errors. It raises my blood pressure and puts me into panic mode. Surely, Bill, you can understand my SHOCK to find that CSV is NO LONGER offered as an Export option. Did CSV offend you somehow Bill? Did CSV fall into the wrong crowd and you felt the need to punish it? Were you tired of it getting confused with CVS? Text just doesn’t do it for me. CSV used to be my work-around to your little 65K record limit. Of course I still couldn’t open it in Excel, but it made me feel like I was somehow beating the system. Bill, you have taken that wee bit of triumph away from me. It seems to me that you have woefully underestimated the usage of your product. It is as though you’ve said, “Eh, I’ll TELL them they can list ONE MILLION records at a time, but goodness me, they’ll never actually USE it!! Hahahahahahaha. HA.”
So I curse you and your tantalizing carrot waving of ONE MILLION (Dr. Evil voice EVERY SINGLE TIME) record capacity in Excel.
As Rep Joe Wilson says: “YOU LIE!”

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Mother Nature Gets Naughty with Father Time....2X

Has anybody else heard about this?? Isn't this CRAZY??? Babies of the same lady. Conceived 2.5 weeks apart!!!

You could pass some of that conception around, I'm just sayin'.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

OINK OINK

Conversation I JUST had in the office kitchen:


Me: "Hey K!"

K: really gruff "Hey."

Me: "WHOA! You sound really rough."

K: "YEAH! I think I had the swine flu last week. I am FEELIN really rough."

Me: "oh."


Um, HI? Why are you here? GO HOME! We have 2 pregnant ladies in our office! And lots of parents of small children!!!

WTF people? Swine Flu, cold, regular flu, STAY HOME.

Nobody likes you that much anyway.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Over the Weekend.....

I washed my hair 4x in less than a 24hr period. Not the best water saving mission, but that is how things played out this weekend.


My chin exploded in zits like I was 15 again. Despite the massive amounts of EXTREMELY expensive anti-acne cremes, salves, washes and over-night products, the mountain zit in the middle of my chin continues to grow. It is extremely embarrassing to have to be at work and have said zit pulsate at my co-workers while we chat. I feel greasy and nasty and wish to wear a bag over my head until the volcano blows and begins to shrink.


I spent a good $80 on splints and support wraps because at 35 and 2 months my manky ankle refuses to be anything but trouble and has convinced my knee that they should work against me in tandem. They sent a telegram to both my hips who won't allow me to sleep on either of them, the muscle group in my upper buttock who have formed a fist sized knot that shoots pain back down my thigh (ha ha knee! backfire!), the RIGHT side of my neck which refuses to play nice with the pillow and my entire back muscle coalition.

F informed me that if I want to go somewhere for our 1 YEAR anniversary that I need to start looking now, and it must have a fireplace to keep us warm. This little task was given to me after he questioned me, "Do I REALLY have to get you something?" and "You mean you REALLY want that cookbook from Pioneer Woman?? Can I buy it in the store, or only from Amazon??"
Apparently giving him the link on Amazon was still too involved for him and I might as well go out and buy it myself and give myself a really romantic card while I'm at it.

My mom got off on her Alaskan cruise just fine, but no one has heard from her since. We are all just assuming that she doesn't have cell service on the water and is too cheap to pay for Internet time on the boat to let us all know she is still afloat. (see what i did there??)

Thursday, September 17, 2009

TV Vortex

Tuesday Night I sat down and found that of the 300 channels we have there was NOTHING on. As I was scrolling through the on-screen-guide The Biggest Loser was playing in the background. As the people began to tell their stories so they could "get to know each other" I began to cry. Seriously. WTF? Some of the stories were truly heart wrenching. Abby? The teacher who lost her husband and 2 little kids in a car accident? OMG. I was sucked in. I have a feeling I'll be watching this show the rest of the season.
The one thing that really annoyed me? Jillian. And to a lesser extent, Bob. And their need to SCREAM at the contestants. And YELL SWEARS at them. Really? When was the last time you felt motivated by someone screaming in your face? Motivated to retaliate, maybe. Jillian is a little self righteous. I don't know if I can handle watching her all season. But I will try.
Did anyone else find themselves crying during this episode???

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Dial me a Dinner

Phone call I received from F:

F: "Hey! I'm on Pioneer Woman and I'm looking for a post for stuffed peppers. Does she have something like that?"

Me: "Um, I don't know. Go to her new website Tasty Kitchen and I'm sure you can find one there."

F: "Her what? Where?"

At this point I had to open her Blog to make sure I wasn't going crazy, and that there is in fact a link for Tasty Kitchen.

Me: "On the left hand side, a link for Tasty Kitchen. You should find something there."

F: "OH Tasty Kitchen!! Got it! Ok, thanks!!!"

Mind you, F has been attempting to make stuffed peppers since day one of us meeting each other. The last time ended in a huge pot of water with saturated saggy peppers that went out in the trash before I could even asses the situation.
I love that he immediately thinks of the Pioneer Woman as a reference for good food. Even if he does complain that it has too much butter or is too rich. She is still his go-to gal.
Thank You Ree.
And I've already put in a Christmas wish list order for her new cookbook. And yes, I'm willing to wait to have it until Christmas even though it becomes available 3 DAYS after our 1 year anniversary.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Just Call me Grandma

I went to the doctor. I told her of my issue with my manky ankle. She prescribed, Compression Stockings.

Just call me Grandma D.H.


Well, at least they come in colors, so I can pass them off as Trouser Socks.

I am only 35!! Not 80!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Where they find the "Guests" For Jerry Springer

Thank You Sassy Two Socks.
This new website has brightened my day.
A whole blog dedicated to the People of Walmart, or as I like to refer to it, White Trash World.

Please shower after exiting.

Monday, September 07, 2009

8 Tracks and LPs

My friends from High School informed F and I this weekend that we are "out of touch" with today's music scene.

We were at a wedding and they would get up and go dance, waving or yanking us out onto the floor with them.

"Who IS this???" I'd yell over the music.

"WHAT???!!! This is POPin Hot Rockin!!!!!"(totally made up that name, because i can't even remember what they said, on any of the several occasions.)

"WHO????????????"

"You gotta get this on your iPod!!!" exclaimed my highly intelligent, highly intoxicated friend.

"We don't have iPods." F and I admitted in unison.

*HORRIFIED GASP!!!!!* from the entire table.

"You guys live under a rock?????????????"

F and I are both 80's babies. Throw in some early 90's from when I was in college, and you have my music mix. Well, aside from the stuff I grew up listening to because of my parents, but that's another blog entry. At home, work and in the car I listen to a radio station whose tag line is, "All the music the rap station doesn't play." So there are new songs, new groups, but none that was blaring out of the speakers at the wedding.

So, in the spirit of being more hip, I cued up the "hip hop urban" radio station on my computer at work, the "rap station" my station refers to, and tried to listen. It lasted for 10mins before I muted it. Then I forgot I'd muted it, and turned it back on, only to mute it again in a few seconds. I can't do it, I can not listen to this station. I highly dislike it. I USED to listen to this station, but then their morning show just got out of hand, and the music just got too rappy, and I called it a day several years ago.

I'm afraid I'm classified as "Easy Listening".
What was that song a few years ago about a mom who thinks she's hip but is still living in the 90's? Yeah, that's us.

Friday, September 04, 2009

Another One Bites the Dust

I haven’t been reading Blogs for very long, but I have become attached to a certain few and in fact have very little time or inclination to find new people to read. Not to say that I haven't. I celebrate the day I found April's Reign and Big Mama. Since I’ve began reading I’ve seen 5 go the way doo-doo bird. Most recently I’d found my way to Wind In Your Vagina, a dad’s prospective of day to day life with the kids. Just as I was getting through his back logs, he went all privatized. The biggest blow to my reading line up was Such Great Heights, known by those who loved her as Clink. Every now and again I’ll cruise over to her site to see if she’s back to posting, and once in awhile I’ll get a small hit, but nothing daily. No dissection of her wedding day. No new from-the-nose-down pictures. Did she start a new Blog? I don’t know. It happened in the past; she changed providers, or URLs. Same thing happened with [redacted] when his life changed via a break-up. He’s been posting on the new Blog for about 3 years now. Hell, I don’t even remember what his old blog was.
And let’s not forget The Company Bitch. She was my first. She just stopped. No warning, like Clink. No clue to the new site, like [redacted]. Just one post that left you wanting more. And now? Now I’ve lost Each of the Two. She was back from “theater camp” one day, promising to tell us all that had gone down and all that was to come with the ever looming wedding, and then:

Blog not found
Sorry, the blog you were looking for does not exist. However, the name eachofthetwo is available to register!


Whaaaaaaaaaa????? Are you kidding me??? I can’t find new ones fast enough to replace the old ones. Blogs are like good books that you never want to end. You want to continue to know how their lives evolve and change. It’s like someone ripped out the last chapter. There have been days when I toy with the idea of stopping. When I have nothing to give. When I want to share, but know it is just too personal to do so.
So I know how they feel. Sometimes, it is just easier to grab your coat and leave when nobody is looking.
Problem is, they ARE looking. Looking and waiting to see you again.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Cash, Check, But Not Money Orders, Please

Did you know that Western Union Money Orders are not considered cash? Did you know that Western Union Money Orders are easily duplicated and forged, thus making them less trust worthy? Especially because you can get them ANYWHERE?
Did you know that because of the forgery risk that your bank/credit union will put a 5 day hold on the funds?
No?
Me either.
This is what my Kindly Credit Union Teller told me on Saturday when I went to deposit the rent from our Tenant. (he’s signed on for another six months, but that’s another blog entry.)
I usually deposit via ATM, so this was the first I’d heard of the 5 day hold. I’d always assumed that since a money order has to be purchased with cash that meant it was as good as money. Not so. Western Union money orders are viewed as checks and must go through a clearing process same as a check. When I told the Kindly Credit Union Teller that I had been making that deposit every month for about a year now, he got flustered and told me he would have to speak to his manager. His manager backed his story. And thusly I was told it would be best to have our tenant pay by Postal Money Order because those are the only REAL money orders and are much less likely to be forged.
Learn something everyday.

However, what I did not like our Kindly Credit Union Teller telling me is that, “I checked your balance and I can’t see where having this on hold would be a problem for you.” Um, sorry? How is that your call? You don’t know what my finical situation is and you should really refrain from commenting on it. I appreciate you explaining the whole reason for the hold, I do. But please, keep your comments about how my current bank balance should cover our finical situation for the next 5 days to yourself; because that is truly not something you should be expressing your views on. It’s just not.

Monday, August 31, 2009

The French Do It

It was dark out, the rain was misting, I was tired, F was tired, but we still needed to load up some firewood for the camping trip. I slipped on F's tennis shoes and clomped out to the back yard to help. 10 mins later I was back in the kitchen finishing up "pre cooking" the bacon for the coming camp breakfast. It was hot inside the house, and I was glad I had changed into my "wife beater" and shorts earlier. But as hot as I was, something cold was on my leg. I did the "shake it off" leg jiggle, but that didn't help. I did a few more things in the kitchen and realized that the "cold" was moving on my leg. I looked down and saw a................snail, without the shell.



"Don't freak out. Don't freak out. Don't freak out." I told myself as I looked around the disaster area of a kitchen to find something to remove the snail with. I grabbed a used paper towel out of the trash can and plucked said snail from my calf.

Apparently instead of throwing it in the trash I should have rubbed it about my face and neck, who knew???

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Fort Knox: The Library of a Teenager

My 14yr old niece is heavily into the Twilight Series. Big shocker right? SES borrowed the books from her and having read them, told me how great they were and that I needed to read them too. Since I love to read, when the mood strikes, I figured what the heck? Maybe it would be a little Anne Rice lite kind of reading.
When I saw my niece recently I poised my query, “Hey, K, can I borrow your Twilight books?”
K without missing a beat: “I don’t lend those out anymore ever since my friend Nicole never gave me the one she borrowed back.”
Completely. Dead. Serious.
ES and I both gasped.
ES: “What? You won’t let your own AUNT borrow your books?”
Me: “Really! Geez.”
K: “Yes. Really.”
ES and I both laughed, “WOW.”
ES: “Dang, your Aunt is like 25 yrs older than your friend! And far more responsible! I can’t believe you said no!!”
Me: “No kidding.”
K: “I might reconsider.”

What the? Cold man. She was cold. And hardcore.
But I was also kind of proud of her. She stuck up for what is hers, and wasn’t going to be bullied.

K: “Ok, you can borrow them. But you better NOT WRECK THEM!!!”

Ok, so maybe it was more the guilt rather than bullying.

Me: “Thank you! I know how to treat books; I grew up in a library after all!”

I left their house without the books.

Or maybe, she just knows how to play the game.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Bad Combo

White Blouse + Bloody Nose = Tide Pen EMERGENCY!!!

I don't understand why the Tide Pen leaves that weird ring after it drys on some fabrics but not on others.

Design flaw.

But still better than a bloody stain on my blouse.

Monday, August 24, 2009

EPT, Not so 'E'

I was watching “I didn’t Know I was Pregnant” because YAY! We finally got cable back and I was flipping through the channels trying to find something to watch out of the 250 channels we have; plus Miss Molly had mentioned watching it and it peaked my interest( i think she did, can't find the post.). The show is truly amazing. How these women have little to no symptoms or weight gain, or any of the things a “normal” pregnancy would experience. Some of it, yeah I think is denial, none of them said the felt the baby move, how is that possible? And I totally felt for them when they went into labor unbeknownst to themselves. How much would you freak the hell out if you were having that kind of pain out of no where? I know I would. Anyway, I was flipping between that and another show when F comes up out of the basement.

F: “You know I’ve been listening to what you’re watching.”
Me: *dazed as I try to refocus my attention on him* “What??”
F: “This show you are watching, about the women.”
Me: *still dazed* “Yeah??”
F: “Are you trying to tell me something???”
Me: *pause* “wha? It’s just a show I’m watching.”
F: “You sure?”
Me: *SIGH*
F chuckles to himself as he turns and goes back down into the basement.

Now, really, would I watch a show about not knowing about being pregnant if I KNEW I was pregnant? (i am not pregnant, trust me on this one)

He seriously likes to just mess with me for the sake of messing with me.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Go AWAY!

I'm having one of THOSE days where everything and everyone one is annoying me. I was out of the office for the afternoon yesterday and came back this morning to a note on my chair. I have no problem with the note on my chair, "Can we talk about this? Thanks B" attached to a work request. The work request is WRONG, as per usual from B. B seems to have problems following directions. And no matter how many times I walk B through the process, it is still wrong. Knowing that my irritation with B was due in part to simply ME, I decided I would wait to go talk to B until I'm come down off the irritation interstate. B however decided that "talking about it" was no longer up to me and pops into my office.
"HEY!!!!!!! You get my note??????!!!!!"
(uh no, is that what this extra padding on my chair is??? your note???)
"Yep, but I'm in the middle of something else right now."
"Oh. Well, when you get a chance, come see me."
(not if i don't have to!)
"Yeah, ok."

Why do people assume that because you leave a note to come see you, it is implied that is HAS to been immediately??? The note did not say ASAP!!! or SOON!!! MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH!!!
You have put the ball in my court and when I am ready to serve it back to you, trust me, you'll know. Next time, don't leave a note. If you must talk to me, then wait, and HAND it to me. With a, "I think we need to go over this." Which will be received much better. No matter how my day is going.

But for now, GO AWAY!

Monday, August 17, 2009

An Open Letter to AmEx

Dear American Express:
Until recently, I never counted myself as one of you card holders. When F and I joined Costco*, part of the deal was getting one of your cards. Since AmEx is the ONLY credit card Costco* will accept. Not too long ago you sent F (the account is in his name) a letter stating that due to the current economic climate, you were reducing our credit limit. In your letter you stated that if we wrote and asked you the reasoning behind why you did this, you would tell us. So I hopped on my computer and fired off a short letter requesting this information. In my rush, I transposed our house number. You sent a letter, to the “new” address, which happened to be our neighbor, confirming the “address change” on the Costco AmEx, but wanted to know if we would also like to “change the address” on the “Blue” AmEx. With absolutely NO mention of the actual reason of my letter, the credit line reduction.
HUH????
Since the 30day window to obtain this information had passed, I filled out the “change of address” box on the next bill and sent it back. I am still waiting to receive a letter confirming the “address change” back to what it was originally.
During this waiting period we receive two identical letters concerning each AmEx card telling us, that once again, due to the “economic climate” you are INCREASING the APR.
I can’t help but see a pattern here concerning your reasoning skills. First, you seem to lack attention to detail. I write you a letter requesting information, and you change my address. You are quick enough (not really) to notice that we have 2 cards with you and want to know if the address for the second card needs to be changed. But you are NOT quick enough to send us ONE copy of a letter increasing our APR. I can see now where that increase is being put to use, mailing and printing costs.
Second, your reasoning behind increasing the APR seems to be decidedly short sighted. It is quite clear across the nation that people are losing jobs, homes, and are barely scraping by, but you decide now, NOW would be an EXCELLENT time to charge these same people more money. I feel it is my duty to point out the obvious, that these people do not have extra money to cover your increased APR.
I can see that I should have stuck with my past avoidance of you. My knowledge of you then was that you charged people a yearly fee for the privilege of paying off their card each month which, contrary to your marketing hype, is not accepted everywhere, and it IS best to leave home without it.
Consider this my first notice that once these cards are paid off, we will in fact be cancelling them. Because I’m sure you’ll take this to mean we want ANOTHER card with you and hence I’ll end up having to cancel 3 cards instead of just 2.

*Costco??? Get your head out of your ass and come to the realization that AmEx has got you (and your customers) over a barrel and they are all out of Vaseline.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Me chatting with my Mom did NOT put your Life in Danger

To the snarky lady who was purposely overtly loud in her query to the gas attendant at Costco the other night about whether or not you are allowed to use your cell phone while pumping gas, as you were eyeing me as I talked to my mom, YES, yes you are allowed. As the attendant, equally loudly answered, "There is NO law against it."as he stood and watched me like I was about to drive off without paying(which you can't do, since you have to pay first).
There is also no danger in doing it.
Brush up on your urban legends missy, Snopes.com.
Plus there was no sign posted telling you to not use your cell while pumping. If there had been, I would have hung up. Just like I make F turn the car off before pumping, because "they" say so.
One other thing, dancing about 3 to 4 feet away while waiting for your gas to pump, is NOT going to save your life in case me and my evil cell phone conversation with my mom goes array and ends up igniting the Costco gas station in an apocalyptic fire ball.
So THERE! nah!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I'm not Techie

I got the e-mail below. Has anyone heard of these people? Is this something I should do? Anyone?

Hello.This is Howard from feedmil.com, a new real-time search engine dedicated for fast feed discovery. I am writing to invite you to submit a short informative description about the feed you publish at http://adulthoodsucks.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default .At feedmil, we provide not only feed search but also individual feed pages so that users can conveniently examine more details about a feed before they decide whether or not to subscribe to it. For instance, your feed page at feedmil can be found at [redacted]. Description about your feed in your own words will be listed under the section titled "Words from the Author(s)" of your feed page at feedmil, and we believe that it will help your potential subscribers better understand what your feed is mainly about and what kind of feedback you want, possibly increasing the number of subscribers to your feed.You can send me any content you like to be displayed under "Words from the Author(s)" for your feed by replying to this email, and any kind of additional materials in the form of attachments in the reply email would be welcome as well.I sincerely thank you for all the great content you publish, which makes the service like ours possible. Your attention would be highly appreciated.
Thanks.
Best wishes,
Howard The Feedmil Team

Monday, August 10, 2009

Monkey in the Middle

Before F arrived on the scene it was just me. Just me and my family. I may have been the go-between, between siblings, but it was rare. Now? Now I find myself caught in the middle often. A sibling will do something that negatively(perceived) affects F and I, and F will go into a tailspin of anger. Over the last few months he has been butting heads with SES. He does not let these "slights" go easily. He will fume about her and the "incident" and I will be caught in the middle defending her to him, or defending him to her. I do not like discord amongst those that I love.
I suppose before F arrived on the scene if there was discord among the family I tended not to notice. Assuming that everything was fine, and everyone got along fine. Once F arrived, my eyes were opened, I guess you could say, or people became more open, and I began to see that everything is not fine, and everyone does not get along.

I do not know what to do about being the monkey in the middle. Be it between F and the sibs or the sibs themselves. I am very concerned about how everyone perceives each other. Does SES think F is a lying loud mouth ass? Does F think SES is a nosey bitch (pretty much, yeah)?
I feel like I have to choose a side. But I can't because that is never a good idea. Someone always ends up hurt. And ususally, both sides have valid points.
How do you, my digital friends handle these kind of conflicts? Because right now, I just want to go home and mix myself a VERY large adult beverage and watch hours and hours of Clean House and Say YES to the DRESS! and pretend that a pretty dress and a shiny new kitchen will make everything all better.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Pants and Protest

Cops beat women protesting Sudan trouser ban

Group supporting female journalist arrested for wearing trousers in public

Sudanese journalist Lubna Hussein, right, who faces 40 lashes on the charge of "indecent dressing," flashes a victory sign to her supporters as she enters the court in Khartoum on Tuesday. She is going on trial for wearing trousers in public, a violation of the country's strict Islamic laws.


Can I just tell you, that as I read this article, I was upset. Granted, I do not understand this, fear? of women wearing slacks, pants, trousers, whatever you may call them. I do understand that not long ago women did not wear "trousers" in the USA. And we've moved past this. I do understand that there are still some places where the dress code requires women to continue to adhere to this thought pattern. Dressing in this manner however is a matter of personal choice. You do not have to work at the place that requires you to wear a skirt and pantyhose. You can choose a religion that allows you to dress as you please. I know a woman, whom I in fact just reconnected with via FB, whose religion mandates that females wear skirts and/or dresses when out in public. She wore a skirt to school EVERY SINGLE DAY. She explained that in her version of the Bible (yes there are different versions, something I didn't know until like my late teens) it says that men and women are to dress differently. I don't remember all the logic behind it, but it made sense at the time. Especially since she stressed it was a choice to follow that dress code. But outside of that, No one is going to arrest you for wearing "trousers" in public. If this were the case, I would be flogged on a daily basis. I own exactly 3 skirts, and 4 dresses. I have never been much of a skirt/dress wearer. Even as a child. In fact, now that I think about it, neither of my sisters are skirt wearers, even though our mother, who is of the skirt & pantyhose era, is very much a skirt/dress wearer. I own at least 10 pairs of jeans, and 9 pairs of dress pants that I wear to work each week. Not all at once of course. I do not feel that because I wear "trousers" that I am less feminine. Wearing trousers does not change the fact that I am a female. That is all DNA, something I can not change. Wearing "trousers" can not now, nor will it ever, change that fact. When there are people in great need of food and clean water and proper housing and health care**, I find it extremely distressing that a government chooses to put resources into policing a dress code("public order police") instead of helping its people. I do not believe I will ever understand the oppression of woman based in religion which is then made into law. Every time I see an article like this I can't help but ask myself, "Why are they afraid of their women???"
Ignorance on my part, perhaps. If someone can explain it to me, I ask that you do. Politely of course. You can maybe make me understand, but you can never convince me.


**I do realize the US is not anywhere near blameless where any of these things are concerned. And I know we, as a nation, need to fix our own problems.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Deadly Habit

Turkey's Smoking Ban Takes a Hit
Enraged at having his cigarettes confiscated, a customer killed a restaurant owner in southwest Turkey. It's the first—and hopefully last—such casualty since a ban on smoking in bars and restaurants took effect. The Turks are heavy smokers, but similar bans have worked in places like Paris.


That is crazy insane!!! People have no self control anymore. It's a pack of cigs for pete's sake! Was it really worth the loss of a life and your own personal freedom?????
God help us all.

Monday, August 03, 2009

MORE PLEASE

That dinner F was going to make from Pioneer Woman via Pastor Ryan?? OMG, OMG!!!!! I had seconds!! He undercooked the pasta a little, F does not deviate from the recipe so when it said not to cook the pasta more than 5 mins, he didn't, even though it CLEARLY was not done. However, Bacon and Pasta?? My new love!!! Holy cow. After eating the just as yummy if not more so leftovers for lunch F tells me his plans for the "next time" he makes the dish: "I think next time, instead of the bacon, I'll use CHICKEN! (omg, why? i loves the bacon! i'm sure the chicken will be fine too though.) And less of the Parmesan cheese. It was too much. (uh, there's NEVER too much CHEESE! fewer onion, yes, but not the cheese!)
Days later and he is STILL patting himself on the back for this dish. It was good, very good. Now I want some, dang it! I don't dare ask for it though, because I'll never hear the end of it from Chef F.

Friday, July 31, 2009

The Agnony of Aging

What follows is the IM log from me and CBF as she throws out her back during our chat:

Me: We're getting cable back!!! Along with DVR!!!!!!!

Crazy Best Friend :( 2:22 PM): DH-- you can DVR all of the HGTV kitchen reno shows and we can discuss. Gee, that sounds like such fun, doesn't it.

Crazy Best Friend:(2:25 PM): Those fug girls just slay me. Comparing a floral print dress to the cans in Sleeping with the Enemy? Genius.

Me: (2:26 PM): i haven't had time to read them

Me: (2:26 PM): my blog time has been seriously cut with my new deadline, deadline

Crazy Best Friend:(2:27 PM): Following them on twitter helps. They send out notices whenever they post a new fug.

Crazy Best Friend:(2:27 PM): Damn-- what is this project you are working on?

Crazy Best Friend:(2:29 PM): Oh DH-- I just pulled something in my back.

Me: (2:37 PM): it is not a new project, my "turn around" time is going to be cut from 10 days to 7 days

Me: (2:37 PM): oh CBF, better get it looked at!

Crazy Best Friend:(2:38 PM): I think I need to have a chiropractor on retainer.

Me: (2:39 PM): that sounds great, i need my back cracked daily

Crazy Best Friend:(2:41 PM): I've never been to a chiro--- have you?

Me: (2:44 PM): oh yeah

Me: (2:44 PM): for my neck

Me: (2:45 PM): i pinched a nerve in high school

Crazy Best Friend:(3:25 PM): DH-- I can barely move-- seriously. Like I can't get up without shooting pains.

Me: (3:31 PM): take some drugs, and then call and make an appointment

Crazy Best Friend:(4:11 PM): I can't even dial my phone to ask someone to help me get up.

Me: (4:12 PM): dude, that is not good. send them an e-mail???

Crazy Best Friend:(4:12 PM): I did-- everyone is at lunch.

Me: (4:13 PM): so there is no one to dial anyway

Me: (4:13 PM): how in hell did you throw out your back while sitting?

Crazy Best Friend:(4:13 PM): You make an excellent point. If you could only see how I'm sitting-- sideways to the keyboard, partially slumped in my seat.

Crazy Best Friend:(4:13 PM): I hurt it bending down to my little dorm-room size fridge to get a diet dr pepper.

Crazy Best Friend:(4:13 PM): This is really quite sad.

Me: (4:13 PM): can you wheel yourself out? with your feet?

Crazy Best Friend:(4:14 PM): Oh God-- please don't make me laugh.

Me: (4:14 PM): dr pepper! your death CBF! (the dentist told her, after $4K in dental work, that yes, indeed soda, DIET soda will rot your teeth and jack up your insides.)

Me: (4:14 PM): sorry

Crazy Best Friend: (4:14 PM): Again, do not make me laugh-- now my hips are hurting.

Me: (4:15 PM): why when you tell someone to leave a voice mail they don't?


Me: (4:15 PM): never mind the jerk is leaving a vm, it is the 5th time he's called, i'm not joking

Crazy Best Friend:(4:16 PM): As you said earlier DH, people are stupid.


Crazy Best Friend:(4:17 PM): Oh-- there's someone down the hall in my dept-- going to email her and ask her to help me to my car

Me: (4:17 PM): are you sure you can drive?


Crazy Best Friend:(4:18 PM): I dont' know, but I'm limited in the options department. If I can get home, I think I will be ok-- I have some muscle relaxants there and a place to lie flat.

Me: (4:18 PM): i mean if you can't even dial a phone.......


Crazy Best Friend:(4:19 PM): because the phone is too far away. It's like an arm length and a half from me.

Me: (4:19 PM): ah, gotcha. please be careful CBF

Crazy Best Friend:(4:19 PM): This is such an I've fallen and I can't get up moment.

Crazy Best Friend:(4:20 PM): damn, person down the hall is apparently not in her office.

Me: (4:21 PM): hell!

At 4:30 I received this slow spoken distressed voice mail: "OMG DH, I made it to my car but I have really miscalculated getting out of my car and getting up the stairs to my apartment. Hopefully there will be someone there to help me up the stairs. Because you know people are so helpful and neighborly. Also I noticed that one of my tires is low. But I don't think I'll be stopping off at the gas station and getting air at this point. OH LORDY how could I have managed to get myself in this clusterfuck?! Also I hope I don't have to turn around and look over my left shoulder for any reason at all. Byyyyeee."


I called her back 20mins later. She was lying on her couch with her phone in her bra for easy access. I tried so hard not to giggle and laugh as she told me about the screaming as she exited her Land Rover, or the "oh god!" with each stair of 15 it took to get to her apartment, or how she can't drink anything because she can't bend in order to sit on the toilet and pee. "This is the road map of aging DH. (she is 7 yrs older than me) I am your future. This is what you have to look forward to with getting older. STOP MAKING ME LAUGH! ( i couldn't stop giggling) I pulled a muscle a few weeks ago while shaving my legs. Oh god. I may have to call someone tomorrow to help me get up!!!"

Me: “Why haven't you taken that muscle relaxer yet? That would have been the first thing I did when I got home?"

CBF: "Because I'm talking to YOU!"

Me: "Oh, well I'll hang up now then."

CBF: "Thank you for being so supportive and non-judgmental in my time of need."

Me: "Always CBF, ALWAYS." *giggle*


Hurting your back is not funny, that's not why I couldn't stop laughing. Hurting your back while getting a Diet Soda?? Now that IS funny, especially when you have a flare for the dramatic like CBF does. EVERYTHING becomes a GREAT TALE of HUMANITY!!!
She slays me.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

A Dinner of Text

Text Message from F: "If I don't go do my hobby I will make an awesome dinner recipe from PW.com and co-worker."

By PW.com F means Pioneer Woman. I have printed MANY a recipes from her site and I'm constantly telling him about it. We also made this sandwich for my family once and F was HOOKED on PW's cooking.
When I got home he proceeded to tell me how great the dish that "Pastor Ryan made" looked when his co-worker had the leftovers for lunch. It cracked me up that he knew who Pastor Ryan was. Needless to say, he DID NOT make dinner that night, but promises he'll make it soon because he's gone out and bought all the ingredients for it.
I did not know however that he actually goes out and READS her blog every now again. We even discussed the fact that she went to BlogHer and spoke. I of course had to explain what BlogHer was, F has only just gotten his toes wet where reading Blogs is concerned.

Which were THIS Blog is concerned, is a good thing.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Face Plant

I was out shopping on my lunch hour using a Birthday related coupon to fill out the summer wardrobe, when I saw someone take a header. I was on my way back to the office and was stopped at a very busy intersection. I looked up to see an Asian woman crossing the street. She looked to be in her mid to late 50's. Her hair was sloppy and she had on all black with the exceptions of the bright red flames(or so the patterned appeared to be) crawling up her black stockings that were born out of her bright red "exercise" sneakers. (do these things really work?)

She scurried across the cross walk and up onto the sidewalk where she paused and began to move again. That's when she tripped or out walked right out of her shoes because the next thing I saw was her falling face first onto the sidewalk. Her arms didn't go out, in fact I think her forehead took the majority of the impact. Her legs went out and up behind her with such force that her skirt flew up and I saw the black lace of her satin bloomers. Her one shoe tumbled off the curb and back into the street.

I covered my mouth in horror. *ooooooooh!*

The light changed.
As I inched forward I looked over to see her sitting on the sidewalk, rubbing her head and checking for blood.

I drove away wondering if she was going to be ok.

That was a damn nasty header.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Isane to Get This??

Have any of you seen this new workout infomerical? I've heard of Jillian's 30 Day Shred. And when I Googled it, I got all kinds of hits about people Blogging their way through it with Jillian. But over the weekend I watched a new infomerical about INSANITY. Where they were all about showing how much these people sweated. Zoomed in on the puddle of sweat on the floor under one person. And the voice over is pretty hilarious because it is all 'no bullshit! if you can't commit, don't bother trying!' Which of course made me want to try it out. And as opposed to 30 days, it is 60 days. With several CD's, a calendar poster telling you which workout to do on which day, (way cool, who couldn't use that kind of help?) and a chart to chart your progress from day 1 to day 60, and a FREE T-Shirt if you send in your before and after photos! This is definitely aimed at people who already are workoutaholics. Those people who spend hours in the gym anyway and just can't seem to lose or tone that last little bit.
As I sat there and watched the hottie Shaun T "push, dig deep!" I wondered if I could commit to 60 days of working out. Many people who try the 30 day shred never finish it in 30 days. But I REALLY wanted to try. What held me back? The price. "Just 3 EASY payments of $39.95!!" The math? Rounded up, $120 bucks, and that didn't include Shipping & Handling.
I already have a lovely, dusty collection of workout videos sitting in the basement under the TV I bought specifically for working out in the basement. Yeah. But as my b-day creeps closer, I can't help but not want to be, flab. We haven't been to the gym in AGES, and boy howdy, I can tell.
Do they have a video out there that can cure lazy?????


Wednesday, July 15, 2009

GAG!

The LAST thing I want to hear is a co-worker pooping.

Especially when I know they don't wash their hands.


GAG.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Bizzaro World Visit

I told you all that F and I were heading back East for a visit. And usually I have several stories to share with you about how crazy my outlaws are, but this time. Well THIS time, it was, well, NORMAL. There were no fights, no yelling matches, no cutting comments, and no cold shoulders. I felt like Eileen in the Bizzaro Seinfeld episode.
FIL called me by my name and said PLEASE when he asked me to do something.
SIL complained only once to F about us not visiting with them when we come out to the East Coast, and that only lasted until F put her in her place about not coming to visit him AT ALL except for the wedding (he’s lived in the Midwest for 4 years now and before that he lived in another state on the east coast for 6 years and they never visited him then either.).

There are 3 moments that stand out in my memory about this visit.

1) While attending a funeral at which F was a pallbearer, I ended up sitting with, FIL, MIL and BIL. During the funeral Mass BIL’s cell phone began to vibrate. I was HORRIFIED when he ANSWERED it. I had to restrain myself from jabbing him but GOOD in the ribs when MIL and FIL told him to put the phone away. I never shared this with F because the deceased was a close personal friend’s parent and F would have blown a gasket if he’d known of his Brother’s behavior. It would not have been pretty.
2) Remember SIL telling me 2 days before our wedding that she planned on divorcing BIL within the next 2 years?(she also shared this bit of info AT our wedding with the fiancée of our best man) and BIL telling me he was leaving her within the next year, again, AT our reception??? Well apparently things have changed, because now? Now they plan on RENEWING THEIR VOWS. This involves SIL getting baptized and all sorts of long involved things. And they are not just going to renew their vows, oh lawies no, she wants the whole WHITE WEDDING with cake and invites, the whole 9 yards. I guess to make up for the court house ceremony they had before where no one was invited.
3) MIL and I had a battle of wills, over food. The minute you step through the door at that house, you are offered food. Which is all fine and good, although I do wish they’d let at least let me pee first, but whatever. I had JUST rolled out of bed after an afternoon nap when immediately MIL wants to know if I’m hungry. I made the mistake of saying Yes. For the next 30mins she named off things she had, then started pulling stuff out of the freezer and proceeded to start to make it. I kept telling her, that, yes I was hungry, but at this point in time I didn’t know what, if anything, I wanted to eat; please stop asking me. Finally, I had to leave the room to escape the barrage of food and questions. After 10mins of silence, MIL summons me back into the kitchen. F and I rolled our eyes at each other. He felt my frustration. As I walked into the kitchen you could cut the tension with a knife. I thought for sure I was about to get my ass reamed.
“DH, you are like my daughter now. You must feel comfortable in this home, what is here is yours. Now tell me, what do you want to eat???”
“That is fine, I understand that. But then as your Daughter I’m telling you, PLEASE STOP trying to force me to EAT!!! Ok???”
It was a tense few moments while this conversation took place. But then she laughed, said OK, and I went back to watching TV with F. If she said anything to him later, I do not know. I did not end up eating anything until much later that night while we were out with friends.
I was forbidden from telling MIL this so that her feelings would not be hurt that she was not the one to feed me.
When we got home and I started unpacking the cooler I found all kinds of food in there from MIL.
Guess she won after all.



Monday, July 13, 2009

Who Thinks About This Stuff?

4 charged after bodies dug up at Ill. cemetery
Hundreds of graves disturbed at final resting site for many famous blacks



As many as 300 graves were tampered with, Dart said. Some of the graves were dug up and the bodies dumped elsewhere, including in an open area at the back of the 150-acre property, and the plots were resold. In other cases the graves were "pounded down" and another person was buried on top, Dart said.
Cemetery records were destroyed and plot deeds were altered, officials said.
Dart said Towns, the cemetery office manager, was the alleged ringleader of the scam. "She was the one taking the payments, she was the one directing individuals to dig," he said.
"Having prosecuted many, many violent cases throughout my career in the state’s attorney's office, I must say that this crime, it’s a whole new dimension that shows us what lengths that people would go through for financial gain," State's Attorney Anita Alvarez added.
Famous namesThe sheriff's investigation began six weeks ago when the cemetery's owner reported that an employee who began feeling guilty revealed what allegedly had been going on, possibly for as long as four years, Dart said. "All of us who were working on this for the last week were pretty distraught," Dart said. "You start with the premise of your own loved ones and how they are cared for after they are buried, but there is also a true significance to this particular cemetery."
The Rev. Jesse Jackson, who joined officials at a news conference announcing the arrests, said that he's been besieged by phone calls from worried relatives of those buried at the cemetery. "There should be a special place in hell" for the perpetrators, he said.
AP
Emmett Louis Till, a 14-year-old from Chicago whose weighted body was found in the Tallahatchie River in Mississippi in 1955, is among the people who were buried at the cemetery.
Chicago native Emmett Till, whose 1955 lynching at age 14 added impetus to the civil-rights movement, is buried at Burr Oak. It's also the final resting place of singers Dinah Washington, Willie Dixon, and Otis Spann, as well as former world heavyweight boxing champion Ezzard Charles, Harlem Globetrotter Inman Jackson, and several Negro League baseball players.
"For many years, this was the only cemetery where African Americans could be buried," said Spencer Leak Sr., president of Leak and Sons Funeral Home, noting that Burr Oak once was owned by Ebony Magazine publisher John Johnson.
Dart said the scheme appears to have targeted older, unmarked graves that had not been visited in a long time. There was no indication the more famous sites were disturbed.
Frantic searchUpon hearing the news, hundreds of people went to the cemetery Thursday looking for their loved ones' graves; many couldn't find them. A couple told WMAQ-TV that they found headstones that apparently had been recently tampered with, and they were not sure who was underneath the headstones.
The sheriff said it will take a while to sort out the mess and urged people with relatives or friends buried in the cemetery to be patient. "We're not necessarily talking weeks, we're talking months," Dart said.
Perpetua Holdings of Illinois Inc., a subsidiary of a Tucson, Ariz.-based funeral home and cemetery development company, has owned the cemetery since 2001. A message seeking comment was not immediately returned.
The Cemetery Care and Burial Trust Department, a division of the Illinois Comptroller's office, has said it has received complaints in recent years about poor upkeep at Burr Oak, including sunken or tilting gravestones, unmanageable roads, drainage problems and weeds.


People are just freaking sick, why would you do this??? They need to be beat.

Captain Spanx

Remember the battle of bulge vs Spanx that I had at SES's wedding? Well that battle was fought again while we were Back East.

It was HOT. The humidity was high. (do we notice a pattern here?) and MIL and FIL do not believe in the advent of A/C. (they had one window a/c unit that they ran while the windows were open.) I was confined into a very small room with one high velocity floor fan. Once again I did the yank and tug dance as F stood by waiting. I had asked him to be on standby when those last few crucial inches needed to be bridged. I'm sure his mother was wondering what was going on. The craziness of it all finally hit me and I began to giggle.
F:"This is NOT funny." he challenged.
Me: "It is. It is because it is so pathetic. Now please tug."
This time, having learned my lesson, the seams were in the proper place. The battle also took less time because I'd fought it once already.
Wriggle.
Tug.
Grunt.
Wriggle.
Squirm.
Cry.
Break down from insanity.
Thank goodness this battle won't have to be fought again until mid-
August when we have a wedding to attend.
Please, I beg, let our hotel have good a/c this time!!!!

Friday, July 10, 2009

East Coast vs Midwest

F grew up on the East Coast, while I am a life long Midwesterner, and therefore we say some things differently. The most common is Soda vs Pop, although I have turned him to the pop side for the most part.
This regional speech pattern tripped me up the other night when F called me on my way home.

F: “You almost home?”
Me: “Nope, I just left work. Why?”
F: “Can you pick up a PIE???”

I paused as my mind started to race trying to figure out why in the world F would want me to pick up a PIE?
Then it dawned on me, that by PIE he meant a PIZZA pie.
I choked back my question of, “What? Like a cherry pie???” and answered instead:

“Sure! Deep dish or regular??”

I giggled to myself the rest of the way home, knowing full well that if I had asked him if he wanted a cherry pie I would NEVER have lived it down and he most certainly would have posted it on FaceBook for the whole world to see.
So instead, I’m telling you, my digital friends, because I can’t hear you laugh at me after you read this.
Seriously though, it would have been a legitimate question!!!!

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Lost.....

*LOST*
One King Sized, White, Fitted, Egyptian Cotton Sheet.


Damned if I don't know how in hell I lost a King Sized sheet between the bed and the dryer. I have lost my mind and this is driving me bat shit crazy. Not a pillow case which can easily be hidden under something else, just the extremely LARGE fitted sheet.

I have lost my mind. Which apparently is wrapped in King Sized, White, Fitted, Egyptian Cotton Sheet.

Friday, July 03, 2009

Mmmm, Tasty!!!

I was standing in an open office area talking to my friend, GA, when I felt a sharp quick pain on my neck. I swiped my hand against the area thinking my shirt or my earring was pointing me. Then GA gasped.

GA: "*GASP* OMG, DH! What IS THAT!!!!"
Me: "OW! What?"
GA: "LOOK!!! That THING was on you!!!"
Me: "OMG!!! OW! It BITE me!!!"
GA: "Is it a wasp?....... I don't think it's a wasp. ..........I'm going to kill it!"

a box is grabbed and a rather weak swat is taken at the crazy looking bug.

GA: "I don't think this is going to work! OMG! (she skips back as the bug falls to the floor.) We need to kill it!"
Me: "I'll get the spray!!"

Our office is notorious for having wasps and what-not flying about during the summer, so we have a stash of wasp killing spray in the kitchen.

I grab the spray only to find the stupid thing won't work.

Me: "It won't work!!! How are we going to kill it!?!?!?!?!"

At this point a 3rd co-worker shows up, announces she'll kill it with a wad of paper towel and proceeds to do so. GA and I thank her as she exits the area.

GA: "DH, your neck, it's red, does it hurt?"
Me:" YES! dang, it itches, I can feel the bump."
GA: "We should put ice on it, that will help."
Me: "Ok."

She makes an ice pack for me, which I apply to my neck. I head out to the bathroom to check out the damage in the mirror and come face to face with my boss and a few other co-workers who all give me puzzled looks because I have a wade of paper towel pressed to my neck.

Me: "I was bite! See????" I say as I remove the paper towel icepack.

Collective horrified *GASP*

Me: "That is NOT encouraging !!!!"

Collective shrug

The bump wasn't that big, but it hurt and itched pretty badly. One of the co-workers fished this out of the First Aid kit which I held to the bite until I could hold it no more. The bump is GONE. The PAIN is gone. Safetec Sting Relief is AMAZING!!!!!
Bless you Safetec Sting Relief, BLESS you!!!
I also took 2 Benadryl to keep a potential face swelling from occurring and now I'm so wiped out from it my legs are twitching and I'm doing all I can to stay awake. I think it has affected me even more because I keep feeling like something is on me and is biting me.
WTF???

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Yes or No, How Hard Is It?

Ok, here’s something I don’t get. Remember our Tenant? The lease is up at the end of the summer, like in 2 months, right? So we ask Tenant what the plan is on their end.
Tenant: “I’m not sure what I want to do.”

F: “Well, we need to know by the end of the month. If you want to stay, that’s fine, we’re willing to redo the lease. If you want to leave, that’s fine too, no hard feelings. But we need to know so we can either rent it to someone else or put it on the market to be sold.”

Tenant: “Ok, so by the end of this month, I’ll let you know. I don’t want to leave, I know that much.”

Um, ok, what? If you don’t want to leave, then what is the hesitation? If it is a money issue, tell us. Despite all of Tenant's personality flaws, the house is well taken care of, clean, and tidy. I'd much rather stick with that, than get someone in there that trashes the house but appears to be "normal".
So dude, PLEASE decide to stay. The housing market still sucks and I would totally get screwed if we attempted to sell again, and I don't want some crazy ass in there that doesn't care for the place like you obviously do.
And stop dragging your feet already!!