Slow Spiral

For several months now I’ve been feeling down. I’m having a hard time finding anything to be happy about, or that I like. It started by hating my hair. Well, actually, it probably started before that. Back when, well, we found out some not so good news. My spiral started then. I’ve been wrestling with what, if anything I wanted to share here. One day, when the bad news was more than I could take, I started an entry, of sorts, that bullet pointed my experiences and feelings. I’m still not ready to share, here. Yet. But, having put it down, having it out of my head so to speak, I’m able to concentrate. I’ve been adding bullets as things happen.

Today, though, today, I just, *sigh* I just need to vent, maybe? Get things out so I can start moving past them. So please bear with me and my pity party of one.

Yes, I still hate my hair. Even though I realize that it is just not my hair, it is what my hair is sitting on top of. My head? Well yes, in a board sense, but more, my FACE. I hate my face right now. More specifically I hate how fat it is. I pass by a mirror and am shocked, Who’s the piggy? Who’s the old angry Polish woman? (I’m polish, so I can be stereotypical about my own people, right?) My double chin is double what it used to be. My skin looks horrid. Spots, break outs, wrinkles, plain old dull. My upper arms are doughy and soft, and BIG. I don’t think I’ve had wrists since I’ve meet F. I have the wrist version of cankles. Frists? I don’t know. My stomach. Lord. The bulge. The MOUND of fat. Thunder thighs? Check and check. CANKLES, sweet heaven above, I have cankles. And sausage fingers. I have fat people fingers.

My sugar is up, as is well, EVERYTHING that should be down.

I know, eat less, and move more. It is all under my control. I GET IT. And I have been trying, but I haven’t been trying as much as I should. And the weird thing? The weird thing is, is that food doesn’t sound good to me anymore, so I hardly eat, but I’m not really losing weight. Sometimes I’m not even hungry. Sometimes, the mere mention of a certain food makes me gag. Sometimes it is the smell. The other night F made chicken and I swore it smelled like fish. I could barely bring myself to eat it. Other times I get so hungry I get ill. Everything is, OFF, and I’m at a loss as to how to correct it. There are days when getting out of bed is such a challenge. If I could just sleep for a few more hours, everything would be fine. Socializing? Who wants to be bothered with that? It is too much work.

I see, I know what it is, DEPRESSION. I’ve had bouts of it before, who hasn’t? But I’ve always managed to pull myself out of it. I’ve always managed to put it behind me and move on. Nowadays I feel like I’m treading water, I’m not going anywhere. And it all starts all over again, the spiral. The sleeplessness, the over tiredness, the flat out apathy of everyday, day after day. I’m boxed in and I don’t know how to get out.

If just, IF JUST……yes, IF JUST….then it would all be better, maybe. Right? MAYBE.

*sigh*

Oh, the evils and joys of chocolate and salt

Crack in a candy coating.

Need I say more?

Order UP!!

Last night 7 PM: F arrives home after going grocery shopping by himself. He sets the bag on the counter and goes about his business.

10 PM: I follow him to bed.

8AM THIS MORNING: F calls me from work: "Hey, did you put away that meat I bought last night?"

Me: "I didn't know you bought any meat."

F: "So, that means it is still sitting out on the counter?"

Me: "Uh, yeah, if you didn't put it away."

F: "Can you turn around and go back to the house to put it away?"

Me: "After it sat out OVER NIGHT????!!!!"

F: "Yeah, it'll be fine."

Me: "Are you sure??? I don't think it will still be good."

F: "Yes, please, go put it away."

Me: "ok."

Needless to say, I won't be having a deli sandwich any time soon for lunch. uh, gag. That is just asking to get sick. Not that it was overtly warm or hot in our house, but the temp didn't drop below 72 all night. I'm making myself sick visualizing all the germs and slimy things on that meat now.

*shiver*

We've got Fievel

We have a mouse situation in our office currently. Over the last few weeks there have been several sightings. There have, in fact, been a few captures. Three to be exact. One of the women in another office group was apparently VERY concerned about the well being of said mice once they were captives. Being a fair and humane person, the Building Manager gave them “live traps” to place about their office space. Once the traps were set, the concerned woman saw to it that there was not only food placed inside the trap, but ALSO WATER, just in case they didn’t reach the trapped mouse quickly. Yes, that’s right; the trap was stocked with food and water. GITMO has nothing on us. It is believed that it is a Mouse (mice?) Family and that the 3 that were captured and released “back into the wild” were the older, or shall I say, Elder Mice. Apparently, one mouse was not so lucky, as he/she was found dead. The remaining mouse, we assume there is only one left, has been creating quite a stir today. Darting across cubicle floors, slipping under cubicle walls, creating all out panic amongst the open-toed shod. The mouse’s activities have resulted in two excited shouts (from those who saw it) and one cubicle entry way blockade by the neighbor of the witness. This isn't the first time we've had mice issues. Several years back, all our snacks were getting nibbled. That offender's life was inadvertently cut short by an almost empty pot of hot coffee that was emptied into the sink said offender was hanging out in. Our office has been a bit of a wild kingdom over the years. During its first few days in our ownership; we harbored two very smelly wet dogs from a thunderstorm. This seemed to set the trend with our outdoor brethren, that we were kind and gentle folk. The dogs became cats that lived out by the trash bin. The cats became bats that slept in office trash cans. The bats turned into birds that got caught between the walls while trying to spy on the snake that lived there as well. Do you have any idea how nerve wracking it can be to hear a bird flapping frantically behind the wall? NEVER MORE comes to mind.


We also seem to be the Mecca for bees and hornets and wasps. I was actually stung by one (one what, we’re not sure) that landed on my neck while I was talking to a friend out in the atrium. Our patio picnic tables draw bees, hornets, and wasps as though we coat them in honey and pollen. Were we chased from both tables today by the hovering bees that were unable to return home because my tush was blocking their entry.

After the events of the day, the Building Manager swore us to secrecy when she told us she’d be going out and purchasing “REAL TRAPS” to do away with the remaining baby mouse. There will be no supply stocking of this trap, outside of the peanut butter laden trigger.

Let the hunt begin.

Look With Your Eyes

F comes upstairs and starts looking around the family room. He looks on the table. He looks on the couch. He picks up his laptop and looks at it. He places said laptop on the couch. He looks on the floor. He looks on the table again. He looks behind the couch. He picks up the camera and puts it back down.
I watch silently.
The puzzled look on his face grows as he picks up his laptop again.
Me: "What are you looking for?"
F: "The data cord for the camera." he says as he motions towards the camera that is now back on the couch.
He picks up his laptop again and looks at it puzzled and then tosses it back on the couch.
Me: " You mean the data cord that is attached to the laptop you just had in your hand?"
F: "Wha? Oh, um, yeah."
Me: "Emhmmm."

Seriously guys, LOOK WITH YOUR EYES.

When Your Stomach Drops to Your Shoes

The Tenant called. I waited for F to start swearing. It rarely feels that any time Tenant calls, it is something good. This time was no different, however, F didn't swear.
 The night before a lovely high heat, high humidity day, the A/C goes out.
The hard ass in me comes out, "You know, we DON'T HAVE to provide him with a/c."
F just stares at me, then walks away.
OK, so yes, maybe we DO have to provide him with a/c, even though that's no where stated in the contract. My point is, I hate being a landlord. It seems that every time F and I plan something that requires us to spend money, something at the Rental goes awry. This time? Replacing the ceiling in the 3rd bedroom that is frontin' as our dining room. That in itself is a story. 4 coats of paint bubbled and peeled off like pulling a sticky note off your desk. All my hard work, undone. Everyone we spoke to was baffled. Except Eldest Sister. "Sounds like moisture to me, a ventilation issue." Ah, her environmental engineering degree finally comes in handy. All 3 of the contractors we had come in to look said the same thing. So there goes $850. Plus whatever is wrong with the A/C that we are having professionals look at.(Tenant still has not called them, so he is still without a/c. His own doing.) Not the guy F knows who took 5 days to fix our A/C in 90+ degree weather. Yet another story.  Anyway, every time Tenant calls I dread what I'm about to hear. My stomach drops to my shoes. I love my old house, I really do, but like many people in the good ole' USA, I'm "under water" on it. And there is no way Tenant, who filed for bankruptcy in the past, is going to be able to get a loan for any amount that would come close to paying it off.  *sigh*
I guess the good thing is he wants to sign on for another year, however, with the clause that if he buys a house he can break the lease without penalty. My thought on this is, what if he just wants to break the lease and is just SAYING he's buying a house? Can I force him to prove that he's buying a house in order to break the lease? I just don't know these things. I am a lazy landlord. I am a lazy landlord because I don't want to BE a landlord.  I hate the feeling I get when Tenant calls. The overwhelming dread. The worry about how we are going to cover whatever expense is going to come up this time. The tense between F and I over it. We need to sell it, and be done with it, but in today's market? Um, yeah.

Any suggestions?

Eve is Lookin a Little Too Much Like Adam.....

Somehow, me thinks this bathing suit is on the wrong mannequin.

I'm just sayin.........

Zappos, or more likely Nike, you may want to look into this.

Dessert Fairy, Stricks Again

Around 3pm the other day, F calls to inquiry if I would like some cupcakes. I said SURE!

I think we all know where this is going....................

Yep, another uncovered dessert.

This time however, they had sat out since 2ish. F got home shortly after 7pm. It always amazes me that badly contained desserts make it through the ride home.

And yet, surprisingly, they were still moist 2 days later when I finally got around to eating them. (I'VE BEEN BUSY.yes, too busy for chocolate, feel my pain.)  Mind you of course, I'd covered them with plastic wrap. Over tooth picks so the frosting wouldn't stick.

Wait, what did you say?

E-mail I sent F:
09:10 AM
i have no idea where my cell phone is.

(we send each other e-mails when we forget our phones at home or couldn't find them before we left for work so the other person doesn't freak out when their calls go unanswered)

F's response:
9:11 AM
 nice... when did you have it last?

Me:
9:15 AM
yesterday.


Silence ensued for several hours there after until he sent me an e-mail in answer to a question about our evening plans:

F:
1:02 PM
no need to go and it doesn't start till 10 anyways so we wont be home till midnight... answer my text (we are old and must be in bed before midnight. what can i say.)

Me:
1:18 PM
Dude, do you not remember the e-mail I sent you this morning????????????
(yes, I am decidedly over 30 and still say DUDE. I can't quit it!)

Then at 4:30pm he calls me, at work:

F: "HAHAHAHA DH, I know you left your cell at home, but I keep calling it!!"

*insert eye roll and head shake here*

Open Letter

Dear Mother Nature,

Pray tell, was it really necessary to open up the heavens in Noah's Ark proportions and rain DIRECTLY into my window whilst I was trying to order my lunch? I had to open my umbrella in my car and I still got soaked. Yes, you read that right, I had my UMBRELLA opened in MY CAR.
There are so many things wrong with that.
 Including what you did to my pants and the inside of my car.

My pant leg. Yes, that pinkish color IS MY LEG showing through the light tan Capri's I had on.

My driver's side door. The light color is the dry bits.

There was standing water in the little hand hold hole there. Yeah.

Please refrain from raining INTO my window while ordering my lunch. It is bad manners.

Just the Facts Ma'am

Recently, I celebrated my 36th Birthday. F asked me a month in advance what I wanted for said birthday. At the time, I was at a complete loss because my birthday was far removed from the current things on my mind. However, feeling the mostly ever present muscle ache in my lower back/hip, I requested a massage. About a week later he requested a longer list from which to choose. Again, my mind was elsewhere, I was unable to lengthen the list. (scary, i know) Life went on and I forgot my birthday pretty much altogether.  Several nights before my birthday, after being in bed for sometime, silence had settled upon on us. It had been quiet for what seemed to me a good 15 to 20 minutes. Out of the dark F queries, "So, do I have to get you a present?"
Somehow, I knew exactly what he was getting at, "Um, YES."
F: "Do I REALLY??"
Me: *sigh* "Of course!"
F: "Can't I just get you a card?"
Me: "F. Stop."
F: "Do you remember what you asked for?"
Me: "Yes."
F: "Well, I got it for you. So you can make a day out of it with SES since it is over by her house and she's actually got it."
Me: "Um, Ok?"
F: "Yep."
Me: "Thanks."
F: "Do I still have to get you a card?"
Me: "It would be nice."
F: *sigh*

Things.....

I Did While Away on a Long Weekend.......

1)Left the sliding glass door unlocked.
   -Who knows how long it was unlocked before we actually left, for FOUR days. Needless to say no one came in and relieved us of our 15 yr old non-flat screen TV, or the slow as molasses lap top.

2) Lost $100 in CASH.
    - F placed the $100 bucks he took out down my shirt. (classy, I know) I in turn completely forgot about it and I assume it fell out when we got out of the car for lunch.
Now if he had placed it in my BRA, well, that money would never have been lost, that's for damn sure.

3) Rediscovered my calves.
    - Walking along a sandy beach really brings it home just how out of shape you REALLY are. The 100yards from where we set up our chairs to the stairs to the elevator, had me huffing like a mad woman.  My calves are still pissed at me so I've been hobbling about like I'm 80 yrs old. Turning 36 did not help.
4) Got horribly burned DESPITE the sun block I had on.
    -Granted it was only SPF 4, but still, I had applied it after swimming and damned if my chest and upper thighs aren't glaringly red. F likes to poke my burn and say, "Does it hurt??? I've never been sunburned before, you white woman."

One Click Only Please

Dear BING! search engine,

Um, I hate you. I click on one link and instead of going directly to the story indicated it takes me to your search engine where there are 20 billion links for the same story from 20 billion different sources. I do not care for this at all. Please just take me to the story you indicated so that I may read it, and possibly share it via my Face Book page. If I want to do further research at a later date I will, but being forced to hunt and pick through all the listings is NOT COOL.

Please rectify this immediately.

Sincerely,
DH

Cable Jacking

Dear Neighbor P who lives behind us,

Over the last few years I'v come to realize that your berry tree has been resting heavily on our garage and, more recently, I believe said berry tree was feeding our rat problem. Yesterday I was completely involved in watching MIB II when the picture completely froze and I could not get it off my screen. I sadly turned the TV off and went about my day.  When F arrived home he plopped down to drool over watch the FIFA Cup.
"What's wrong with the TV??"
"I don't know, it froze on me earlier today."
We took turns turning the TV off and on, unplugging things and eventually got the AT&T shit done be f'd up Orange screen.  Giving over to the fact that we were now cable less, I headed outside to read "Gone With The Wind". While rearranging my anti-gravity chair (LOVE) I noticed that a tree was missing. I called upon F to confirm my findings.
He confirmed.
On closer inspection we found that you apparently had been doing some tree trimming during the day. I am most happy to no longer have your berry tree co-mingling with my garage roof. I thank you for that.
However, what I do not appreciate is the cable line that is now dangling in my yard begging F to touch it.  This also leads to the fact that, um, we DO NOT HAVE CABLE. I cannot express my dismay enough at the fact that you failed to inform us of this great tragedy. Your Tree Guy called the electrical people. It is NOT their issue. It is AT&T's issue. I wish you had left us a note (the other neighbors informed us of what had happened) so I could have prepared F for the despair he was about to feel about not being able to watch the FIFA Cup. F had to call AT&T and play dumb about why the cable wasn't working and now we are must wait for AT&T to come and discover that their cable line has been cut. This is NOT COOL.
In the future PLEASE be more considerate when disabling some one's lifeblood entertainment device. A little head's up would have been nice.

Your Neighbor,
Devil's Heaven

DH Had Her Groove Stolen

So I've started the Zumba! class at the REC center.  Although I sweated my ASS off, I am extremely HORRIFIED to discover that the fabulous booty shakin groove I've had ALL MY LIFE has apparently disappeared. Yes, gone. Gone baby GONE. The only thing I could chalk it up to, Aerobics. Aerobics stole my groove. Aerobics is stiff? I guess you'd say. Where as Aerobics is all LEFT. RIGHT. FRONT. BACK. Zumba! is more LEFT......SWISH!.......RIGHT.......WRIGGLE!....FRONT.....DIP!!!.....DIP!!!!!!!!!!..... BACK....CHA CHA!!!!.....WAVE THOSE HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE!!!!....SWISH! DIP! WRIGGLE!!! HOP!!! I mean seriously, not to boast too much here, but I used to be quite the hip grinding dance freak at Ladies' Night!!! at the local hot spot during college. Now? my hips were all, "DUDE! What the EFF??? That kinda HURTS!"  I've lost my ability to swish my hips. There were moments where it would dawn on me that I needed to feel the music and stop trying so hard to get the steps right, and that did help, a little, until I found myself on the wrong foot, facing the wrong way, shakin my booty when I was suppose to be tapping my heel. I realize this was only the first class, and that by the time it is over, I should be doing better. I HOPE! Seriously, I HAVE TO get my groove back!
When I got home F wanted to know how it went.

"Well, I've lost my groove."
"You had a groove??"
*evil eye* "Yes!"
"Riiight."

I'm not lookin to get the kind of groove back that would land me Ty Diggs, although, BOY HOWDY that would be an AWESOME groove to have, just the kind of groove where I wouldn't get laughed at on the dance floor during ladies night at the local watering hole. Is that so much to ask?


Oh, and to the ONE guy that was in the class with his, girlfriend(?), that fart you ripped was nasty, and she had every right to be holy embarrassed by it, and to laugh at you. Seriously, GROSS.

I Call It Soccer

Dear 2010 FIFA World Cup Championship,

 I would like my husband back now please. I am done watching him be hypnotized by the brightly colored soccer(football) uniforms. He sits like a lump in front of the TV and barely recognizes me through his daze. I think I even saw him drool a little the other night.
Also, FIFA broadcasting networks, those horns, the vuvuzela horn, I realize it is a part of the African soccer (football) culture, but seriously, every night I duck and hide thinking somehow a swarm of killer bees (African killer bees? do i see a connection???) has found its way into my home. Maybe at least tone it down a little? Is that too much to ask? 
I know America is considered a wee baby when it comes to playing soccer (football), and F just rolls his eyes at me, because after all, in his HOMELAND soccer (football) was a huge thing, but for me, eh, whatever. But I pretty feel that way about most sports. Take or leave, no big.

So FIFA, when will you be over?? Soon I hope? Please??

Thank you so much,

Devil's Heaven.

P.S. The players are HOTT, I'll give you that. Serious YUM factor.

Bat Shit Crazy

It is hot, but our AC has been fixed, which is a blessing. I was experiencing some pain in my manky ankle and so decided to take some Tylenol PM  around 10pm..
BAD IDEA.
 It is now 3:50 AM and I am shaky and am experiencing crazy ass anxiety My legs can not be still. I have a case of shaky leg, times like a million. I usually get shaky leg when it is time for me to go to bed. This is truly a million times worse. If you could see me sitting here, trying to type, you'd think I was a crack whore in desparate need of another hit.
Tylenol PM used to be my go-to  for a sleep aid. But somewhere it tured against me. It decided that it would lull me with promises of a painless sleep.For years it work. I had many blissfull nights of pillow soaking drool. Alas, that is no longer the case. Is this how kids with ADD feel? I CANNOT sit still. Typing is quite a feet. Holy cow this is nuts. My brain is fuzzy like I"ve been drinking for awhile.I did have 2 Magners, they did not queit my legs, but have fogged my brain.Well that and the other Tylenol PM I took. My thought process was if I took another one, it woud crush the other2. Not so much. This is crazy. I would clean the house with all this energy, but F is sleeeping.
I took one of those pills SIL gave last time we were out there. SOme were muscle relaxer, others where a very strong sleep aid. I finally broke down and  something.  Oh please kick in soon!! IT is 4:24AM. It's like I have assburgers, Walking isn't going so well either. I feel tired. But everytime I sit down my legs continue to run a race. I really don't know what I should do. I almmost feel like I'm drunk blogging.
IT is now 4:37am.
I just want to get some sleep while it is still dark outside.  OMG, please lord help me.
So I Googled Tylnol PM and got this : TYLENOL PM


Safety Information
Can TYLENOL® PM make me feel restless, nervous, or sleepless?


Diphenhydramine, the sleep aid in TYLENOL® PM, causes drowsiness and helps the vast majority of people who take it to fall asleep. Some individuals have reported transient restlessness and nervousness while taking TYLENOL® PM which disappears when the product is discontinued

Um ALL OF THE ABOVE. I have to wait it out or wait for the sleeepin gpilll is working.
I cannot focus anymore. IF you all don;t d=sse my typing skills are being challlevnge.  My be it is tikee  go back t o bed.  hold charp,
Let me seee if u  can figure out ow to co]hiiiiiioook up the         cable to load a vido i rook. never ,
mind it cam e out like crap.  Have a great father da!!!!!!!!!

****please dont judge me*****

Men ARE from MARS

F sent me a text from work telling me how shocked the women in his office were that he turned down a piece of chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. Being the PMSing wife that I was, I told him to GO BACK and claim that piece of CHOCOLATE LOVE for me!!! At first, he claimed he could not, but I convinced him otherwise. When I got home, he wasn't there, but this is what I found on the kitchen counter in front of the microwave:

God Love him, he brought me the cake.

That had been sitting out for 3 hours, uncovered. That picture up there is EXACTLY how I found it. No plastic wrap, nothing to keep it from getting stale.

Men. They just don't understand the need to preserve the holy chocolateness.

BTW, how do you like my bright arsed mustard yellow 1970's counter tops?? Pretty RAD, eh????

Green Thumb?

So, I'm not much of a gardener. Luckily the woman who used to live in the house before us was quite the Mrs. Green Jeans, so I don't have to do any replanting of pretty things every year. HUGE plus as far as I'm concerned.

However, I do appear to have quite the talent for growing weeds.

That is our bedroom window. Thank goodness it is at the back of the house where no one would see the 2 foot picky weed that is growing under it.

Um, yeah, the window is what? Maybe a foot above said picky weed? I was actually looking out the window one morning when I noticed Picky Weed waving in the breeze at me.

Does it qualify me as having a Green Thumb????

Bucket Full of....Freeze Dried

Um, Costco, do you know something that maybe you'd like to share with the class???

$74.99 after $15 OFF

Food For Health™

Emergency Food Kit

275 Servings

Weather Proof Bucket

Item # 104893

 
What's even scarier? That people have actually written REVIEWS on how the food is.
Apparently they also offer a DELUXE version with a First-Aid kit and "essential supplies".
This is a little too "1999" for me. But then again, I did get hooked on the BBC show Survivors, where a kit, or, bucket, like this would have been quite welcome.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm, how much is it again????