Horrified Bride

So I'm in the midst of writing the post about F and mine trip back East when I get an e-mail from a friend about my wedding dress. So I'm putting the whole "My in-laws are whack" post on the back burner in order to express my horror and out right DISGUST over what is available to a "Plus Sized Bride". Which is actually the name of the site my friend, who is also "plus sized", sent me: Plussizebride.com First? That right there? Degrading. Yes, I have a weight issue. I know this, I've accepted it (most days anyway), but that doesn't mean I'm blatant about it. It's one of those unspoken things, like the huge zit on a co-worker's face, you notice it, but you don't say anything about it as you try extremely hard not to stare at it. This site is devoted to the staring. Which, ok, fine, we need a place we can look for dresses fully clothes and unembarrassed by the size ZERO who has a dozen clips on her to help pull her size 4 dress together so it doesn't slip to the floor. I'm not so upset over the site, it's more of what they are offering that concerns me. A woman, ANY woman, who has a large chest, NEEDS STRAPS. The LAST thing a bride needs to be messing with all day is hitching up her dress and her boobs. And several of these dresses meet that need. BRAVO.

However, again, ANY woman who is petite doesn't need a Gone with the Wind sized dress which requires several crinolines.

For example:

And is this one marrying a vampire?

Is she the bride, or the flower girl?

This is just asking for under arm fat to pop up, or extra boob to pop out.

This one isn't that bad, but again, HITCHING UP BOOBS, AAAALLLLLL

Day.

This just cuts her in the wrong spot on her chest.

Now this dress, this dress is the one I love, THE ONE. It looks great on me, has excellent support and covers and eliminates all chances of back fat. Covered buttons ALL the way down the back. *La Sigh*

The model is a little freakish though. Too bad it's WAY more than I want to spend.

All Over the Place

This post will be the last post of 2007. I refuse to post from F’s computer since he does not know about this Blog. And I do not want to give him any clues that it exists.
Since I have a few things to write about, this will be random, from all over the board.

• I am sick. Again. Just when I was feeling better, WHAM! Head cold from HELL. I could not breath, no matter what kind of drugs I took. My young co-work (still in college, actually, just graduated this past weekend) who is a total hippie, told me about this thing, Nasal Cleansing. Where you “Flush” your nasal passages by shoot watering into one nostril, and letting it gush out the other. Yeah, sounds grosser than it actually is. Since I was walking around unable to breath, I thought, what the hey, I’ll try it.
  O.M.G. I will NEVER go through another cold or allergy season again without this little trick!!! I CAN BREATH!!!! It IS a MIRICLE!
  But I still sound like I’m 60 years old and have smoked 3 packs a day for the last 50 yrs.

• The gift I wanted to get F, a Trilogy Box set DVD about some gangsters? Could. Not. Find. It. Anywhere. Back in the beginning of November, I saw it when we were together at Costco, and had a coupon for it. But F was there, so no go. Plus, he threw the coupon out, so I couldn’t go back and get it. I finally ended up ordering it from their website. Yesterday. So F’s present? A black and white printout of the picture of the box set. Yeah.
  I almost had it ordered the other night, and F comes waltzing in the door, early. Grrrr. I had to close that order window and FAST!

• The woman I work with who wears the Crocs and who comes to work when she has vertigo so badly she can’t walk around a corner too quickly and without holding onto the wall, who came to work with PNEUMONIA, told me to go home today while I was having a coughing fit.
  When I could catch my breath, I said to her, “You’re one to talk.” Then she went on as if she was commiserating with me. Um, right.

• Earlier this week I started taking AirBorne. That stuff that is suppose to prevent you from getting sick? Didn’t work too well. In fact, F thinks it MADE me sick. He now refuses to take it. We are leaving (suppose to be leaving, we’ll see how this round of sickness goes) for his parent’s after Christmas. I’m not going if I’m still sick. And if I come back sick? Things will not be pretty.

• My work crush is leaving. He got another job in another state. He has known he is leaving for the last 2 months. I had to confront him after a few people said they heard rumors and people noticed things were missing from his office. He pretty much refused to tell me what the deal was. Kept changing the subject back to me. I was kinda ticked that he didn’t tell me from the beginning. He kept saying, “I told someone I knew would let it slip.” And he wouldn’t believe me when I told him I hadn’t heard it from whom ever it was. Which I hadn’t.
  That crush? Long since dead. In fact, I can’t say I’m sad to see him go. That friendship had become way too hard to maintain. After F and I got engaged, my crush wrote me off as unfriendable, which I totally don’t get. But whatever.
  
  
  So Merry Christmas everyone! Happy New Year!! Be safe! See you in 2008!
  
  

She Has Been Weighed.....

She has been measured.....

And she has been found.......... Not so lacking.

Which is so not cool.

I met the Assistant this weekend, at F's Company Christmas Party. Worse yet? I LIKE her. She reminds me of CBF. We could be friends. She's not super skinny, in fact, poor thing has really large calves, and not in the pretty "I'm a mountain climber" kind of way either. And she made the mistake of encasing them in black tights. Made me think of sausage. But she's not ugly. I could see there being an issue. I could see them being a might too friendly. She's single. She lives at home, for now.


F said to me, "When I first saw her, I thought she was cute." She is.


The only thing I could think to deflect him from her?
"Is she GAY????" I asked. He looked taken aback. F is old school on the homosexual issue, it's a NO-NO.


I felt better.


But not relieved.

Trust Me

I trust F. I know he wouldn’t cheat on me. He’s not that kind of person. As I told my brother, whom I asked to be my eyes and ears and the judge of good taste at F’s bachelor party, (14 months in advance) it’s not F I don’t trust, it’s his friends I don’t trust.

So when F comes home last week and tells me he has an assistant, fresh out of college, and oh yeah, it’s a female, you’d think I’d be cool as a cucumber, right? Yeah, not so much. At first, I was fine. He couldn’t remember her name, how threatening could she be right? He’s since learned her name. “R graduated from University A.” “R worked at ABC before she came here.” “R asked a lot of questions. Not that I mind, it makes me think how to explain it to her. She asks a lot of questions.” “R is really smart. She’s picking things up quickly.”
But the one that bothers me the most? How impressed he is with her eating. F is a VERY fast eater. I’m always telling him to slow down. I’m still preparing my food and he’s wiping his plate clean. Twice now he’s made a point of telling me, “That R. She’s really different. She out ate me! I couldn’t believe it!” “We went to the taco place for lunch today. R? She out ate me! AGAIN!!! It’s the weirdest thing.” Said with a sense of wonder, and PRIDE.

She eats like a boy, is young and probably thin, and speaks his work language. I am none of these things. They spend all day together. She doesn’t tell him pick up his dirty clothes, she doesn’t sigh and roll her eyes because he left the bread open AGAIN, she doesn’t get upset when he uses her bath towel or doesn’t pick up the step-out towel. It puts me on edge a bit.

Bring on The Crazy.

Huh?

The last few days I've been listening to one of those "All Christmas, All the Time!!" music stations. They just played "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year." And one line just happened to catch my ear:

There'll be parties for hosting

Marshmallows for toasting

And caroling out in the snow

There'll be scary ghost stories

And tales of the glories of

Christmases long, long ago

Ghost stories? Really? And Scary at that? During who's Christmas
does this happen? Cause, I'm thinkin, I don't want to meet these people. Are they referring to A Christmas Carol? Because it wasn't really scary. Although my favorite verison is the one with George C. Scott as Scrooge. And, who can forgot the Muppet's verison? I mean, really, it's not Christmas without Scrooge, but I wouldn't say it's a scary story we tell each other every year. I just find it to be a really weird reference. In a song about Christmas.

Figgie Pudding

I know the saying goes, “Make your our traditions when you get married.” However, I’m finding that hard to do when it appears F has no traditions from which to draw. They don’t appear to have any traditional food when it comes to the holidays. Most people know ham for Easter( I think I was served baked chicken), Turkey for Thanksgiving(which they do, but use some kind of pasta as stuffing instead of bread.) Ham or Turkey for Christmas (I think we had chicken and maybe some sort of beef.). When I ask him what they usually have I get an “I don’t know.” My family was very big on the food aspect of every holiday. Ham for Easter, Turkey and stuffing for Thanksgiving, I think we had Turkey for Christmas as well or maybe even steak. The other night as I was finishing decorating the tree, F was downstairs doing laundry. Really? Laundry instead of Christmas music and colored lights? When I asked him what they did at Christmas time he said his mom did all the decorating and baking, that they really didn’t have any traditional things that they did. In my family? We did everything together for the holidays. Especially at Christmas. Dad would set up the tree, string the lights, very preciously, and then we would all put the ornaments on the tree. When it came time to bake, again, everyone was involved, except maybe dad. And there were certain cookies that got made every year. I love my family traditions. And I would love to add something to them for “our” family such as it is right now. If he has bad memories about the holidays, I wish he’d tell me so I’d stop asking or pushing for things to do. He always seems to back away when I ask about such things. From what he has told me, I don’t think his childhood was very childlike. At least not once they moved to the U.S.
How did/do you handle the combining of traditions with your squeeze?







So this weekend? I am forcing him to help me make Christmas cookies. Something I’ve never done by myself. And next weekend? He is helping make the traditional food item we usually only had at Easter, but now that we are all adults, we make for almost all holidays. A food item from my ethnic background, which I plan to introduce to HIS family.






Pray for me.

Who?

Tis the Season!
F and I got our first Christmas card. From my Aunt. Which included an invite to the family Christmas party. Addressed? To F. With me as a misspelled after thought. She's known me for 33 yrs, my name has NEVER changed, and yet, F, who has a decidedly non-Anglican name, she gets right. First and last. She can't get my first name right, and she didn't even bother to put my last name.
This has always been a sore subject for me. And because of it, I've always taken extra care to spell people's names correctly. I double check names on e-mails, letters, anything they may have put their name. Spelled the way THEY want it spelled, not the way other people think it should be spelled. And when we get married? I'm adding F's name to mine. I've been me forever, that's not gonna change.
I can only imagine how the tag on our wedding present will be addressed, probably just to F.

Things I love........

About F......

1. His willingness to pump my gas, in the rain, or in the winter wind even when he’s sick too.
2. When he caresses my hair.
3. When he smiles.
4. When he peers at me from the other room and then comes and sits with me because I’m crying about something tragic that happened on Gray’s.
5. When he makes dinner, even though he leaves the kitchen in a huge mess.
6. When he does the laundry, even though his sorting process is kinda odd; and spreads itself out over the entire basement floor.
7. The simple fact that 2 weeks before his company Christmas party he asked me what I was going to wear. And knew exactly what I was talking about when I said, “The Dress.”
8. When I was sick and he and his puppy dog eyes said to me, “I just want to cuddle you because you are sick, but I can’t, because you are sick.”(I don't like to be touched when I'm sick. Just let me veg in front of the TV with a box of Kleenex.)
9. That he'll back my car into the garage so I can just pull out in the morning.
10. When it's cold, he offers to go out and warm up my car, even though it's been in the garage all night.
11. After it snowed the other morning he came in and told me to take extra time to get to work, just like my mom does.
12. When he calls me his wife, even though I’m not yet.

Days

Yesterday the high winds knocked out our power at the office. Everyone was sent home early. Today, we have power, but nothing to power, for we have no internet! We can’t even connect to our local network, which means, I. have. absolutely. nothing. to. do. I’ve been here less than an hour and already have thought, Oh I can, Google, Yahoo, watch last night’s episode of Samantha Who? At least 20 times. And yet, I can do none of that. I’ve already cleaned out the office pile of news papers, from a week ago, so there is nothing to read. I am FREAKING OUT. Filing? I have none. Copies to be made? Nope. I have nothing to do to waste time. No surfing for bridesmaid’s dresses. No surfing for wedding dresses. No surfing for invitations. I can write in Word, mess around in Excel, put together a Power Point, but I have no need for any of these items, except Word, which I’m using to compose this Blog post. Which I can’t actually post until we have internet access. I can’t even call F and waste time chatting to him because he is out of the office on business! Maybe I’ll play the games that come with the computer. This is insane.


I just played a few hands of solitaire. I almost fell asleep. I wonder how long we have to wait before they decide to send us home.

We did not get to go home. We sat. And waited. And chatted. And played multiple hands of solitaire. And FINALLY 2 hrs before it was time to go home, we got our system back!

Yay internet!

Don’t ever leave me for that long again!

Needed.........4...Received.......15

While back East, I questioned MIL (mother-in-law) about having something from The Homeland incorporated into the wedding. She wasn’t very forthcoming. Her first answer was food, which F and I had pretty much ruled out. There really isn’t anything that is uniquely “Homeland”, so I’m still not sure what we are going to do, besides dancing, she did mention some sort of dance. The one thing she DID grip onto like a dog and a bone was the gift registry. She wants me registered, like the day after we got engaged. To me? That is one of the LAST things on my list. I don’t need people sending me shit (gifts) for the next 12 months that I have to keep track of. (I sound bitchy, I know, but really, F and I do not, DO NOT need any more stuff in the house. He FREAKS every time I bring something new in.)Apparently though, people are already questioning her. Or so I thought, at first. She kept telling me things that I needed to put on the registry. An electric tea pot so I can hot water for hours when company comes over. (No one comes over. And unless I’m birthing someone’s baby, they can wait 5 minutes for the water to heat on the stove.) An electric roaster just like the one F’s SIL (sister-in-law) has. The biggest I could find online was this 18 quart one. It cooks a 22 lb turkey. I swear the one she had was bigger, like 30 quarts, but whatever, when would I need that? Seriously? My aunt has one, I’ll borrow hers. Which is what I said to MIL, and she said, “You don’t want to be borrowing that forever, do you? Have one of your own.” The only thing I said we’d need was our good china. OMG, did her eyes light up! I missed the “WARNING! WARNING! DANGER! Will Robinson!” that came with those blazing eyes. As I was home sick recovering from Bronchitis caused by “it’s just an ear infection” pneumonia, MIL called. She was at Macy’s, who was having a sale, and she “found this china set on sale, Did I want it? I could look at it online to see if I liked it!”

Did I not predict this? She’s picking out our good china!?!?!!?!?

“No, NO, NOOOOOO!!!!! “ is what I said to F.

“I told her no. I said you’d go looking with her when we come back next month.”

“WHAT!!!! No NO NOOOOO!!!! I’m not ready to go looking! Jesus! I want to go looking with MY OWN MOTHER!”

He was silent, taken aback by my strong reaction. All my life I listened to my mother complain about her MIL and how often she crossed the line with butting into our lives, telling her how to raise us and what-not. Then as I got older and my friends started to get married I started hearing their horror stories about their MILs butting in and I decided, that if I ever got married, that my MIL would know there would be NO line crossing. My domain is mine, not hers. Stay out!
When we packed the car to come back home we left with a comforter, a frying pan big enough to fry a small child, a cake stand without a lid (“What good is it without a lid?” said Eldest sister when I told her.) a metal fruit dish and 2 sets of bath towels for “company”.

As MIL is loading me up with all these “goodies” she informs me that she buys everything in twos, one for SIL and one, for me.

I wonder how much it would cost to drive a U-Haul over 500 miles?

God Bless the Mid-West

Things FIL (father-in-law) said during our visit back East…..

1. To F’s mother: “Why is the baby still sleeping? .....Why can’t I wake him up?”
2. To F’s mother after coming home from work: “Do you have any food? I’m hungry!” (no hi honey, no, I’m home! Nothing pleasant at all.)
3. To me while discussing the eating issues caused by not having a gall bladder (with F’s mother, NOT FIL) “You can’t eat fat! Didn’t they tell you not to eat FAT!?!?!?!”
4. To F’s mother about taking the sick baby shopping with us: “You’re going to take the baby out with you in the cold? He’s sick!” “You’re taking too long to get ready. You’re going to be late picking up C from day care. You’d better not be late!” (Notice, no offer to watch the sick baby, OR to pick up C from daycare. Needless to say, we took a sick 1yr old and a hungry, tired 6yr old shopping at the mall with us.)
5. To all of us while we were sitting at the dinner table waiting for him: “I’ll sit down when the food is on the table!”
6. To F when F tried to serve him by putting food on his plate(we were doing ‘pass your plate’ to make sure everyone got HOT food) “NO! I’ll fill my OWN plate with food. THANK YOU!!!!”
7. And the best for last. To F while discussing their side of the wedding list: “…..I don’t care how much it costs you!! $50, $60, $70 or $80!!!!! WHAT makes YOU think ANYONE wants to come to YOUR DAMN WEDDING ANYWAY?!?!?!?!?!?”

And people wonder why I always get sick when after we've been there. This time? Bronchitis.

The baby had Pneumonia or as MIL(mother-in-law) told us, "No no, it's not pneumonia, it's just an ear infection." as the baby coughed that wet nasty mucusy cough.

Um, yeah.

Back East.....Back Seat

We are going back east to visit F’s family and his friend who is home on leave. This is the first visit back since we got ENGAGED, and honestly? I am PETRIFIED. I’m afraid that there’s going to be a “last minute” engagement party sprung on us, at his church, and that? So not cool. And in more than a “OMG, this is sooooo the wrong outfit for an engagement party!!!!” stand point. When I broached the topic with him, about this maybe happening? Yeah, it didn’t help that his answer was, “No, that’s not going to happen. *pause* But if there are Homeland People at the Birthday party, do not, DO NOT answer them if they ask what our living arrangement is. Just pretend you didn’t hear them.”

Um? Sorry? Really? People I don’t know from Adam (yes I sometimes talk like a 90yr old) would actually ask me if I’m living in sin? And you want me to PRETEND I didn’t hear them? Surely, you jest? So of course, all this morning I’ve been running in my head things I could say that would let them know they are crossing the line with the American Girl. And of course, I’ve also been practicing the tone of voice in which to say it as well. Because as my mother always told me, “It’s not WHAT you say. It’s HOW you say it.” And really, ladies, we all know this, right? (insert your ME-OW here).

1. Polite smile, slightly condescending tone, “Why do you ask?”
2. Puzzled look, bewildered tone, “Who are you?” Their answer. Another bewildered tone, “Hmmmmmm, well I don’t really see how that is any of your business?”
3. Polite smile, pat on the arm, slightly condescending tone, “In this matter, you need not concern yourself.”
   

Or am I going about this completely wrong? Should I follow his advice and ignore them? And what happens if they go even further and start asking when we’ll be having kids?

1. Horrified look, “Don’t you think we should get MARRIED First? I mean, that’s how it works where I come from!”
2. Polite smile, “Well, we’re not planning on having any kids until those that keep asking us are willing to be financially responsible for them. How much can I put you down for?”
3. Puzzled look, “Are you asking me about my ovulation cycle?”
4. Completely serious look, “Not until we can find a proper surrogate. I don’t need to be bothered with all that pregnancy stuff.” Look them up and down, “Are you offering us your uterus?”

What do you think? How would you/have you handled these situations?

Huh?

The lady with the Crocs has dyed her hair, Purple. Ok, maybe more plum, but still. She’s in her sixties. She works in an office. She’s been wearing her slippers around the office lately. Her hair is plum. Last week, in front of a large group of people she comments rather loudly to another co-worker,

“WHOA GIRL!!!! You sure are GRAY around here!!!!” while flicking her finger back and forth along her forehead hair line.

This isn’t the first time she’s called attention to something like that. She’s done it to me too, when I was going through my red phase. She told me my hair looked plum, like hers. She's also pointed at a PMS induced breakout on my face and said in front of people, at a meeting, "What's that???" She’s also asked a co-worker if she would jump if she pinched her butt. She’s also the one in this story, about walkers and common stall "#2"ers.
This is what I spend my days with. And F wonders why I drink.

Losing My Mind

I’m losing my mind people. I have one co-worker who keeps telling me that ever since F came into my life, I’ve not been the same DH. Ever since he’s asked me to marry him, I’ve been stressed out. Most times I don’t even realize it. But sometimes it’s blatantly clear. Forgetting that we are getting married. Being unable to put together a simple little announcement e-mail. Zoning out of conversations at almost every turn. Forgetting to do simple steps in my job. Burning dinner. The list goes on, probably on to stuff that I don’t even realize. And when I feel the stress, I feel it full on. I feel dazed and confused. Tired. Drained. I just don’t know how to combat it. More sleep? I try. Eating better? Well, not so much, because I am a stress eater. Most days I just want to curl up with F and sleep the world away.
That’s not going to happen anytime soon. Especially with the trip back East to contend with soon. How can I sleep knowing his mother is in the kitchen, making us breakfast? Talking about me in the Homeland language? His father’s dislike of me speaking volumes, while he actually says nothing to me, at all. How can I not be stressed? I’m taking an extra day off to recover from it all. I need a drink just thinking about it.

On a brighter note my Eldest sister and her husband have finally gotten it through their heads that F and I are trying to do the wedding on a tight budget. They offered to pay for the cake.
I’m speechless.
But still stressed out.

I'm A DARK Blond

I am a blond, but I'm what the hair people call a Dark Blond. So dark in fact that sometimes I say I have very light brown hair. This apparently however doesn't stop me from having blond moments.
Last night as F and I were passing out candy there was lull in the kids, so we were chatting about different things.

He turns to me and says, "Next year we probably won't be here to pass out candy."

"What? Why not?!?!?!?"

He just stared at me for a good 2 minutes before it dawned on me, "OOOOOOOOH! Yeah, right!!!"

He rolled his eyes as I giggled and made him kiss me.

In case you're as clueless as I am, we'll be on our HONEYMOON. Because we'll have just gotten, MARRIED. 7 days before. Yeah. Right. DUH.

All I ask for is your Support

My sister-in-law is being very helpful when it comes to wedding suggestions. She brings me favors from other people's weddings, pictures of their dresses, a website to a photographer who she thought was cool, and several other things. Recently she told me of the idea of having a smaller version of the cake you want and then having a sheet cake served to guest as a way to cut cost. I told her that I had heard about that and a few other ideas I'd been thinking about. One was having a fake cake, with a real piece for the cutting and the rest would be Styrofoam or whatever, and everyone would be served sheet cake. My Eldest sister called me "a red necked hill billie" while her husband told me that idea was "cheap". Be that as it may, I think they could have expressed their feelings in a different manor. Then my B-i-L says to me, "You only get married once. Have a REAL cake." To which I responded, "Yes, but I don't want to be paying for it for the rest of my life either." They just don't seem to get it, F and I do not have a lot of money. I have some serious credit card debt that is holding me back, and I don't know, a MORTGAGE. They seem to think the money is free flowing. I feel that every time I bring up something about the wedding, they gang up on me, telling me I'm being "cheap".
Is it so much to ask that my family support me? Seriously, is it? I don't want my memories of my family's involvement of my wedding to be a bad one, and so far, that's all I've got.

Things I Worry About

• That I don’t have any real friends, even though I know I do.
• That my mom will pass away or get really sick just before the wedding.
• That F’s mom or dad will pass away or get really sick just before the wedding.
• That I will be in credit card debt til the day I die.
• That my nagging about picking up after himself will make F hate and resent me.
• That we’ll never sell my house.
• That I’ll get sick on our Honeymoon.
• That I’ll not have Bridal Body 2008 for the wedding.
• That I’ll tell F’s dad off for being a racist bigot.
• That I’ll never find a wedding dress.
• That if I do find THE DRESS, my sister will be angry with me for not letting her make it.
• That F will want to raise the kids in his religion that I think is horribly sexiest.
• That we won’t be able to have kids.
• That there will be something wrong with our kids.
• That I’ll keep messing up dinner in someway every night for the rest of our married life. I seriously think this would change if we had a different stove!
• That The Crazy will be unbearable for poor F when I have whacked out pregnant hormones.
• That the global warming is as bad as they say it is and our kids will be doomed.
• That F will get a job far-far-away and I’ll have to move away from my family.
• That my sister’s cancer will come back.
• That I’ll lose my job.
• That I wouldn’t be able to find a new job.
• That you’ll all think I’m crazy because of what I worry about.

365

Today is officially one year to the day that I will become Mrs F. Actually Ms. D. H-F. I'm keeping my last name and adding his. He's ok with it. 365 days, let the nightmares begin. Or continue as the case may be. Last night I dreamt it was THE DAY and I had nothing, NOTHING done. As I stood in what I presume in my dream to have been the basement bathroom of our church, with pink tile and yellow sink and poor lighting( i don't even know if our church has a basement, let alone a basement with a pink and yellow bathroom in it), I stared in the mirror horrified that they wanted to do my hair which I hadn't washed yet. "I can't get married with greasy hair! I just can't! " Somehow I managed to shower? In the church basement bathroom? Anyway, with fresh hair I prepared to have my hair done, only to look down at the old rusty curling iron, as it slide into the sink of water. "Is is broken??!!? Won't I be electrocuted if we use it while it's wet?!?!"
All the while trying to tell myself that the things that hadn't been finished wouldn't matter, no one would notice. I don't even know what the things were that I hadn't finished. I just had an overwhelming feeling that they were all major wedding things that should have been done months before hand.
364 more weird, stress inducing dreams to go.

Things I’ve Done in the Last 24 hrs

1. O.D.ed on allergy meds which had F sending me promptly to bed. I was in a haze the rest of the day. To the point I didn’t hear my neighbor say Hi to me when I was sitting out in the yard.

2. Made a slightly raw dinner. F really needs to speak up on these things.

Me: "Hmmm this is kinda raw.”
F: “Yeah.” (after he had finished it all)
Me: “Why didn’t you say
anything?”
F: “I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”
Me: “That’s nice, but I don’t want you eating raw food!”

3. Dyed my hair to cover up the gray.

F: “Did you color your hair a different color?”
Me: “I used a different brand. Why? Does it look darker?”
F Nods his head and wrinkles his nose in dislike.

4. Slept in the guest room because apparently coming down from an Allergy med high makes me restless and cranky.

5. Packed, and then forgot my lunch on the table.

6. Touched up the polish on my toes. Yes, I do keep it in my draw at work. O.P.I.(Chicago Champagne Toast) is the best polish around, and is extremely expensive. It is totally the brand I hope to use for The Wedding.

7. Ate lunch outside and debated not coming back into the office.

8. Checked out Say Yes to the Dress website after watching it on TLC this weekend and crying because my mom may not get to go dress shopping with me. And gagging on the fact that these girls’ DRESS budget is my WEDDING budget.

9. Was disgusted that on website above the dress they said is right for my body type is akin to the T.P roll cover my grandma knitted for us. Can you say, Gone with the Wind?

10. Chatted with co-workers about various un-work related topics.

11. Wrote this post.

PMS makes me Bitchy

Every girl knows, every man dredges it. It's PMS. Sometimes it hits early, sometimes it hits late. Sometimes I'm an emotional tornado, other times I'm fine.
F, and just about everybody, is extra irritating at this time. The littlest things set me off.
For instance. F wants to go to this event and invite Second Eldest and her Man. He's been talking about it for over a week. However, did F do any of the research needed in aiding the decision to attend the event? Why no. So what follows is the conversation we had:

"Can you look it up?"

"You didn't look into it?"

"No. So will you look it up? After all, you just sit at a computer all day." (that trips my trigger every time.)

"You've been talking about this all week, why didn't you look into it?"(I'm starting to steam.)

"I don't know. Just look it up, I can hear you typing at your computer now." (It's called multi-tasking, you should try it sometime!)

"No, look it up when you get home."

"Fine."

"Fine."

So tell me, is this a guy thing? Every time I see an event that I want to attend I look into. Cost, time, location. I print stuff out, map it, whatever.

When he sees an event he wants us to attend? He asks me to do all the leg work. While at work. Even though we have the Internet, at home.

GRRRRRRRR.

You're a Jackass, and You? You're Disgusting.

• To the Jackass with the big fancy expensive car, the off ramp has two lanes in it. If you'd taken a moment to notice, the cars were lining up either on the right or the left, to make their turns. You however, decided to plop your fancy butt smack dab in the middle of the lanes, hence blocking those of us who were making a right turn. You also failed to notice that the cars were lining up behind you, in 2 very distinct lines.
  You're a Jackass.

• To the other Jackass who took lessons from the first Jackass, again, there are 2 left turn lanes onto the one way street. If you pull into the far right left turn lane, it means you are turning into the far right lane. Thank you so much for pulling into the far right left turn lane only to cut me off by turning to the left lane. Hence making a diagonal turn, that if I'd turned at the same time, which is the point in having 2 turn lanes, for traffic flow; you would have hit me smack in the middle of my passenger's side. Effectively caving in the entire side of my car with your SUV.
  You're a Jackass.
  
• To the Dude standing on the corner holding the "CELL PHONES! TWO BLOCKS WEST!!!!" Sign for some random cell phone store, I don't mind you b-bopping(yes, I said b-bopping) to the music you hear in your head, and I'm glad you have an honest job and aren't out there being a criminal. However, it IS criminal to be standing on a busy street corner, with a hard on, calling attention to yourself.
  You"re Disgusting.

Some Happy, Some not so Happy

Some Happy

• Last night after I’d just crawled into bed with a snoring F, my phone rang. I ran to the other room having recognized my Second Eldest sister’s boyfriend’s ring tone. She called to wish F a belated birthday. As we were chatting she says, “Well I also have to tell you, G(her bf) proposed.” Stated most matter of factly, without a hint of the glee I had when I teared up when I told them F and I were engaged. I could, however, hear the smile in her voice.
  
  

“OMG!!!!” That is so awesome! What did you say?” (Honestly, I doubt she would’ve called to say she said No. Would any of us engaged people have made the calls to tell people we said No? And yet, everyone asks anyway.)

“I’m not certain.”

“WHAT? You’re not certain what you said, or you said you weren’t certain?!?!?”
She laughs, “I said, Are you serious????” (In the retelling to F, he comments at this point, Must be a family thing.)

“HAHAHA, I said something similar to F. So it’s not just you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. So?”

“ I told him I wasn’t use to the idea, and to ask me again in a half hour.”

“Second Eldest!!!!!!”

“I know! I know! But it just took me completely by surprise. So he waited and asked me again.”

“And! So? Am I getting a new B-i-L???????!!!!”

“YES!”(Actually she dragged out the telling a little longer than that, she loves to get people all riled up, I was totally on the edge of my seat.)
At this point I’m so giddy, we both are. Everyone in the family has been waiting for them to get married. He’s really great. WAAAAAAAAAAAAY better than her other 2 ex-husbands. Yeah, 3rd time? Total Charmer!!! So this is so totally awesome!

Some Not so Happy

• I’m totally jealous of the fact that they got engaged, in Maui. On.The.Beach.In.Maui.
  I’m also feeling a little of my bridal thunder being silenced. Yes, I am a little selfish, it’s my wedding next year, not hers! She’s done this already. Twice. I’m a horrid person.
  
  

Some Happy

• Now we can plan and look at some stuff together! She’s not going whole hog this time, but still, FUN FUN!!!
  

Some Not so Happy

• When I e-mailed my mother to get a time frame for when she’d be back from down south, where she winters, Thanksgiving or Christmas? She told me that since her BF’s cancer is back, she may not be coming home for the holidays in order to stay down there and help care for him.
  I wanted to go wedding dress shopping while she was home during that time.
  When I got home, I cried. F said I could go with my sisters.
  I told him it just wasn’t the same.
  *Sigh*
  
  

Some Happy

• I get to go Wedding Dress Shopping!!! Hell, I’ve already got the shoes all picked out! hehehe
  

Over the Weekend

I went shopping for various items this Saturday. New brown boots. A white comforter. Towel bars for the bathroom. Various birthday and anniversary cards. F’s birthday present. And groceries. I started at 10:30 and was finished by 3:00. My ankle and knee were killing me. I’d been wearing my tennis shoes the entire time. I hobbled to the couch and crashed. I took drugs to ease the pain. It helped, some. So I’ve decided to take my sorry tush to a specialist. I can’t be hobbling! This really sucks. I mean REALLY sucks. Hopefully I won’t have to swear off heels, hell, not even just heels, shoes in general? WALKING!?!?!?!!? Freaking getting older is a nasty bitch!

As for the boots? FABU! And can you believe? SEARS? The Softer Side of Sears has really come through for me on two boot occasions. I may have to just go to them for boots from the get.

All white comforter? NOTHING, unless I want down or down alternative, which I really don’t, because, yeah, I’m always HOT. I’m sure F would love it though.

Towel bars for the bathroom? Check! To whom ever re-did our bathroom and placed the tile towel bars at a height where hanging your towel over said bar then causes the T.P to be wet? You’re a dork. Oh, and also, the second tile towel bar you hung? You know the one that hangs OVER the heat/ac vent? Again, DORK. Although I will miss a heated towel come this winter.

F’s birthday present? Hidden at the neighbor’s house. He still thinks all he’s getting are the slippers and dinner. HA HA!!!! I’m so sneaky!

Of course the weekend was over shadowed by me “losing” my engagement ring! *GASP* As we were getting ready to leave for church, I could not find said ring. I called F to help me search. We tore about the bedroom. “I don’t remember taking it off last night!” I cried to F. He started ripping off the covers in case it came off during the night. As I was going to hang up my towel on the stupid towel bar from above, it hit me! We’d gotten home late the night before and half asleep I’d place my engagement ring in the cleaner, in the bathroom cabinet. Where I found it, safe and sound and shiny clean.
F stated that we need to get it insured. Um, yeah.

So Many Shoes, and Just One Wedding.

So you can thank Molly over at These Little Moments for the following post.

She posted about looking for her wedding shoes, and it inspired me. So Many Shoes, and Just One Wedding is the tag line at Bellissima Bridal Shoes. And boy, they aren't kidding! I fell in love with several, over a dozen. And I'm sure I'll add more as time goes on. Here's the thing though, I have Polish ankles, so they are not slim. I'm not saying I have cankles, because that's not the case, they're just not supper slim so the whole danity ankle strap just isn't gonna get it for me. I know a slide probably won't work because like I said before, I plan on being medicated. So I think my shoes should somehow be strapped to my feet. Also, I have issue with my baby toe being mashed between straps, so you'll notice there aren't any strappy sandals. Some of these just aren't fancy enough for me, but others are. Who know there'd be so many telling things about a person and her bridal shoes? I want fancy, but comfortable, I want sexy but wearable. So many factors to consider!

Granted the following examples of my obession aren't all properly in-line with a sling back with less than a 3 inch heel, but a girl can always dream, right?

Let me know what you think people!

1)

2)3)4)5)6)7)8)9)10)11)12)13)

14)

15)

If I ever......

I'm sure we've all played this "game" before. You see something heinous or some really bad behavior exhibited by someone else and you turn to your friend,family member, significant other and say, "If I ever XYZ......smack me."
Here have been a few of mine to F in last few months:

1. If I ever get that fat, smack me. But you know, do it nice a way, don't mean be about it. Said after seeing a trio of young girls who were really extremely over weight. I'm no lightweight myself, but even I was disgusted.
2. If I ever wear an outfit that is too young/old/tight, smack me. Uttered during Church about another member whose dress was so tight, the buttons were straining to stay on. Also about the same member a week later who was wearing a bare backed halter top to Service. She's really too old for that and it's completely inappropriate for Service.
3. If I ever go grocery shopping dressed like her, smack me. Look at her, those heels are so high she can't even push her cart. Sneered about a woman who was shopping at Costco with her young impressionable daughter wearing a very low cut, snug tight shirt with an extremely good push-up bra, tight skinny fit jeans and strappy gold heels. And I know I wasn't the only woman making comments or staring either. That poor daughter, what image issues she'll have.

Or how about If YOU ever? I've bet you've all played this one too:

1. If YOU ever cheat on me, I'll make you hurt in ways you never thought possible. I never said I wasn't a little psycho.
2. If YOU ever hit me, you'll be someone else's bitch(in prison). Told to F while relaying my mom's advice about how she threatened my father that she'd leave him, with 3 little kids, if he ever laid a hand on her. Not to say he was violent. They psycho had to come from somewhere. (sorry mom.)

Anyone else? What have you said: "If I/You ever......smack me"?

Things People Need to Understand

1. You are my Co-Worker, not my Boss, so back the hell up off me!


2. We work in cube land, so Yes, I can hear your every bitchy double standard words about every one's too loud cell phone ringing, but never anything about your own stupid Nextel.


3. You are not the only person I do stuff for, so stop acting like you are the one and only, and wait your turn like everyone else.


4. Stop listening in on my conversations and then making comments for which you were not ask for.


5. Just because I'm younger than you doesn't mean you can act like my mother. I have one, and she is much better than you.


6. If you're not going to invite me to lunch, don't whine when I don't invite You to lunch.


7. If you are sick, stay the hell home! We don't want to listen to you hacking up a lung. Just because you are bored at home does not give you the right to come to work and infest the office with germs.


8. It's extremely rude to invite yourself to my wedding. I was going to invite you anyway, but you shouldn't assume I won't cut you in order to invite, um, MY FAMILY.
9. I am poor. I am planning a wedding. So when I tell you I can't afford to put in for the Boss's Christmas present, don't look at me and say, " Not even $4?" Especially after I also just told you I'm not buying MY OWN FAMILY presents for Christmas this year.
10. You have an office door, shut it. I don't need to hear you ordering your hemorrhoid cream or berating someone over the phone.

Tastes Like......?

F and I did our "Tasting" for the wedding reception food. I can't say I thought it was outstanding, but it was good and as I was sucking the meat off the bone(OK! the old fashioned fried chicken WAS really good.) my mom looks at me and says, "Well you know you're not going to eat that day anyway, you'll be too nervous." She seems to keep forgetting that I plan to be MEDICATED al a Pretty in Pink for at least the entire week before the wedding. I'm totally serious about this. We have people coming in from ALL over God's Green Earth for this wedding. F's side is coming in from the Homeland and all the various other countries they've scattered to. I have a bride's maid coming in from the UK and 2 are coming from out of state. All of F's groom's men are from out of state except for my brother. All of these people need to be here at least 2 days before the wedding. And be housed. My maids' of honor(yes, I'm having 2) said they'd come a full WEEK before the wedding to keep me sane. Which, deep down, I think might actually do the opposite, but hey, who knows. It may be all party all the time. So with me being stressed out, eating? Well, I'm a stress eater, so I don't see me NOT eating. I mean seriously, every time we go to Costco I eye their ready made food and think, um yeah, we'll be picking up those chicken wraps for the wedding party for before the wedding. I've seen brides who don't eat before the wedding, usually they end up taking a header somewhere along the line. I do not want this to be me. Plus, if I wait too long to eat I get cranky with a splitting headache and I can't process info properly.

Priest: "Do you take this man?"

Hungry me: "Yes, I'll have HAM!"

Not pretty.

Things I Hate.....

Things I Hate.....About being 30-something

1. I'm no longer 20-something


2. Sleeping until noon is no longer allowed or even possible. I seem to be slipping into that old people habit of getting up earlier and earlier as I get older. My mother? She gets up at like 5am, and actually DOES stuff.


3. Physical aliments no longer go away within a few days, they linger.


4. I've had physical issues that required surgery to correct. And just to warn you, a gall bladder is actually a good thing, not a useless thing. Not to go into detail here but with gall bladder pizza or fried food=non-issue. Non-gall bladder=quick stepped trip to the bathroom. Just sayin.


5. My absolute horror at the possibility that I may no longer be able to handle wearing heels, of any kind. 2 yrs ago I very badly sprained my ankle, I had to go to rehab(side note here, every time I hear the word rehab I think of that song by Amy Winehouse and I always hear the word rehab like how she sings it in the song followed by the "no,no,no.") Anyway, almost a year to the day later I sprained it again. It seemed to heal fine this time, but now, as I try to wear my favoritest boots, I end the day limping and dying to remove my favoritest boots to get relief. My ankle is swollen and stiff and my knee is all jacked up too. And it's not just the boots, it's any heel, and apparently any height heel as well. Seriously, I just got into heels at the age of 25, this is so not cool.


6. My gray hair is spreading across my head. Yes, I've had it since I was in my 20's, it was kind of a cute thing then. Now? Now it's just kind of Telling, you know what I mean? Hair maintenance isn't just because I like highlights, it's now NECESSARY maintenance.
7. Going out means having to drive home which means a drinking limit. That is probably a good thing, because I just can't handle the adult beverages like I used to. Plus, when add to #2, hangovers are real extra bitchy.

What the Hell?

Things that I just don't understand:

• On the way home the other day, a full sized pick-up truck with CAMOUFLAGED SEAT covers. Because the poor animals can see and smell the truck, but the inside is lost in a swirl of camo. Sneaky humans!
• Why gas is $2.89 on the way to work, but is $2.85 a mere 8 hours later. I propose that we apply the same theory they have at department stores, if it goes on sale within the next 30 days, I get a refund for the difference. Ok, maybe make it 12 hrs, but you get my meaning.
• Why if I order french fries through the drive-thru I have ASK for ketchup. It's not like we are in England and people use vinegar or ketchup. Just give me the damned ketchup.
• Why if you Super Size your meal you try to fool yourself by still ordering a Diet. Yeah, that's a life saver.
• Why you don't pull the fuck over when you see the flashing lights of a ambulance, police or fire vehicle. We all know you are the same people who will sue the city because said rescue vehicle took too long to reach your sorry ass if you were the one waiting to be saved.
• Why people wait until the VERY LAST second to pull out of the merge lane into regular traffic, doing, of course, LESS than the posted speed limit. Or wait until the VERY LAST INCH to merge when 4 miles back the bright orange construction sign told you the lane would be ending, in 4 miles. So the rest of us have to STOP because some lame brain decided to let you in.
• Why don't people don't wash their hands after using the bathroom. SERIOUSLY, wash your damn HANDS!

Bridal Brain

Bridal Brain is very much the same as Pregnant Brain, as in you can't remember anything, the simplest tasks become overly tasking, and your emotions are over the top and flipping out. I am experiencing this enmass. See here, here, here, here, and finally, here. Looking at that line-up there, is making me a little crazy. Anyway, I can't remember shit. 5 days in a row I've forgotten to bring a box of Kleenex to work, and I've been suffering from allergies for like a month and ran out of Kleenex like 2 weeks ago. So really, I should be totally motivated to remember a box of stinking Kleenex in the morning. I've taken a box and set it out somewhere I would see it and remember to grab it, um, yeah.

I went looking at invitation this weekend with my mom, and I almost cried in the store over a little saying about God and marriage or something, obviously since I'm telling you exactly what it said, it really hit home. Not. And I'm not even that religious, really. As I read the multitude of sayings to pick from, I got misty on so many occasions; I had to get a water to rehydrate. Now I've never considered myself a crier, but dang if the water works haven't just been always ready at a moment's notice lately. I've also never really considered myself a lacey and poufy kinda a girl either, and I'm glad to say after spending 2 hrs looking at invites, that that still holds true, however, I did find that I'm not all hip and contemporary either. When a co-worker brought in an invite to show me, I fell in love with a certain enclosure , but when I went to look at it again, I found that it just didn't cut it for me anymore. I want the parchment paper with aged edges and raised print type. Who knew? But no doves, or Cali lilies or ribbon or any of that crap. Just nice and simple and straight to the point.

Speaking of crap. F and I went to a Bridal Show this weekend. O.M.G. I felt like we were all cattle in the shute on our way to be slaughtered. I filled out so many cards with my wedding date, name, address, e-mail and phone number that I started forgetting who I was. DJ, limos, cakes, sexy bachelorette party ideas, photographers, vacations; I signed up for free stuff, to win stuff to get more junk mail stuff. After filling out about twenty of these (this was early in the game, but not early enough) F says to me, We should have brought those return address labels and stuck those on here. So there's a tip to all of you who think you HAVE TO GO (really, you don't) to a Bridal show, save your fingers, bring a sticker. I feel even more overwhelmed then I did before we went. Although F was a total trooper carrying the bags and crap, not free crap, just brochure crap, for 2 hrs all over the massive cattle slaughter. And women, we do get bitchy and pushy over a bite size piece of cake, let me tell you. One of the booths was life insurance where F picked up a huge yard stick. But since F isn't always aware of his surroundings, he almost took out me, and several other people with said yard stick; I took it from him only to have to give it back so I didn't use it to beat back some cake line jumping bitches.



If anyone has ever gotten anything useful out of attending one of these things, please share, because the best part of the "Show" was how quickly we got out of the parking lot.

Cleaver?.....Cleaver?......Cleaver?

Where is June Cleaver when you need her? All prefect hair, pearls and pies? I am not, NOT June Cleaver, not Betty Crocker, I align more with Mr Jiffy Mix. I'm not saying I can't cook, I in fact CAN COOK, but ever since F has come into my life, I've become a bumbling fool in the kitchen. I over cook, I under cook, and last night, I set ablaze. Mind you, I never thought that I was the kind of woman who believed being a good cook was important in getting and keeping a man. If you don't like it, go make something else, that has been my motto. But with F? I'm all, Do you like it Ward? Would like like more pie Ward? Is it tender enough Ward? Would you like me to warm it up for you Ward? Can I feed you Ward? Ok, maybe not that last one, but you get my meaning. When it comes to cooking for F, I get all June-ish. I want it all to be wonderful so he can boast to his friends, "DH, she cooks a mean meal." As things are now? I think he's afraid to invite people over for dinner in case I give them all e-coli. I grabbed a few apples yesterday and decided I was going to make my man a homemade, with love, dessert. He was tired and hungry when he called with still an hour drive home ahead of him. I started scrounging in the freezer for something to cook and came across the steaks we stock piled back in July. Good sized, enough left over for lunch, PREFECT. Let's fast forward to me throwing said steaks onto the nice hot grill. I turned it down and headed back into the house to make my lovely dessert. I'm pealing away at the apples and think to myself, I should go check on the steaks. I look out the window to see smoke, lots and lots of black smoke. I run out the door, and see flames. I'm not talking the little flare-up flames, I'm talking full on, burn the garage down, blow-up the gas grill kind of flames. The ENTIRE INSIDE OF THE GRILL WAS ON FIRE. Those prefect steaks? CHARCOAL. It took a good 10mins for the flames to die down. The wooden brush used to clean the grill, burned. It was setting on the grille's side burner(not turned on). That's how far out of the grill the flames were reaching. When I told F, he said, "cool." When I showed him the steaks that were burned but still raw, "No big deal. don't worry about it." He ate the steak(after I nuked it), said he couldn't have burned them better himself, said they were good.

I didn't burn the dessert, which he loved.

But I did set the hot pad on fire getting it out of the oven.

Again? Really?

These whacked dreams had better stop after the wedding, or I will have to start living a Valley of the Dolls kinda lifestyle. And I've noticed, they all occur early in the morning, like shortly before the alarm goes off. It makes me tired, it makes me cranky and it makes me doubt my sanity. Dreams are meant to be your subconscious working through things you can't or won't face during the day. This one I just had? Oh, so totally. There is a back story here, I'll give you the highlights. About 5 years ago we got a new employee. Male. We hit it off, immediately. Problem? Oh, just a tad little issue of him being MARRIED. He's tall, handsome, funny as hell, sarcastic, older(but not like, fatherly) and horribly insightful. A deadly combo. Of course the more we hung out together, the more people talked. And I'll admit it, there were feelings there, on my side at least. I had a huge crush on him. But I knew he was married, and that was a line I was unwilling to cross. Anyway, last year we had a bit of a falling out. And we've not been nearly as chummy as we were before. We barely speak. We've tried to pick things back up, to be friendly again, but it's just not there anymore. Our dialogue always seems kinda forced. Which is probably good, considering F came into the picture shortly before all this went down. (side bar, F feels that my Co-Worker Crush had feelings for me, but that's a whole another Blog topic.) Ok, so back on Topic here, last night, or early this morning, I had a vivid dream involving CWC. He was in the kitchen at work, washing his dishes and I walked up, put my hand on his arm and started to say, "I'm so glad to see a man cleaning up after himself."(Kind of a joke between him and I, he always washes his own dishes at work) but before I could finish he whirls around and clutches me into a utterly suffocating bear hug. At first I'm embarrassed by this display, then I start to freak out because I literally CAN. NOT. BREATH. I fight my way out of his hug, my face red with the effort and the anger, and try to run off to my cube. He grabs my arm and pulls me back towards him and plants a VERY passionate kiss on me. At first, I was all, "FINALLY I get to experience his kiss". But then I became horrified. Angry that he would do something like that, I shove him off with great force and I think I may have called him an asshole, I'm not sure, things are cloudy after I remove myself from his lip-lock. What the hell? Seriously, WHAT. THE. HELL? As I type this, I'm kinda angry for letting it happen. For approaching him in the first place. Granted, it was just a dream, but what bothers me the most? I enjoyed his (dream) kiss, and felt relief at finally getting to experience. As fleeting as that feeling was, it still bothers me. Like maybe I shouldn't have had that feeling at all. I know that's what it is. I feel guilty about liking a dream kiss.

Damned Catholic upbringing.

If you Dream It, You Can...Do It???

So I had a rather disturbing dream this morning. I cheated on F. With a guy my college friend used as a booty call in college, and maybe even after. Handsome college football player with a heart of gold and a baby-momma. The point is, in the dream, I said, "I can't, I'm engaged!" But everyone kept telling to go ahead and do it. And even more disturbing, as I write this several hours later, I can't remember if I cheated on him or not! I think maybe I did, because my brain keeps telling me it was good, the cheating sex. Remember that episode of Friends where Phoebe is pissed off at Ross because of something he did in a dream? Yeah, it's like that. Am I a cheater because I may have cheated in a dream? And, well, kind of really liked it?
And I have done the same thing Phoebe has done, been pissed off at someone for something they did in a dream. I wake up really ticked off. It puts me in a pissy mood all day.

Poor F, he's marrying a crazy person.

Hearing Aid

In Church this weekend, F and I sat close to the back because, well, that's where we sit. Growing up, Church was a place of best behavior. No laughing, no talking after the services has already started, that kind of thing. Nowadays, expecting your child to sit quietly for an hour is apparently beyond a parent's control. I know I was taken out during the service to have my tush smack a few times before the lesson was driven home. I have some patients for children and their fidgeting. What I have NO TOLERANCE for is the Adults who talk throughout the service. To me, this is disrespectful beyond belief. Sitting behind us this particular time was a grandmother, her daughter and the daughter's 2 sons. Their loud whispers were annoying before the service started, but were downright unacceptable after the Church had been called to order. I overheard bits and pieces of their conversation through the hour. The mother and daughter: "whisper whisper whisper DIARRHEA (seriously? in church we're having this kind of conversation? F informed me he heard diarrhea of the mouth, but still people, COME ON!)whisper whisper AND THIS ONE DIDN'T HURT LIKE THE OTHER ONE("one" what I wondered?) WHEN I WOKE UP THIS MORNING whisper whisper whisper. And the sons: whisper whisper YOU'RE SICK whisper whisper LOOK AT HER, SHE'S whisper whisper whisper(ok, I've judged people's outfits etc in church, but I highly doubt 2 teenage boys were discussing the proper length of a mini -skirt) whisper whisper whisper. SHUT UP!!!! For GOD'S SAKE, SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU DISRESPECTFUL TWIT! That's what I wanted to scream at them. But I didn't, because I was raised right. I just showed my disgust by sighing loudly. Also, you know what people always say about a serial killer, "He was such a quiet boy, always so clean and tidy." Well I saw 2 future receivers of that comment in this same Church service. Pretty blond mom, good looking, although a tad uptight, dad have 2 blond haired boys. It was their outfits that made me shudder. The boys were dressed identically, and no, they weren't twins, in plaid button down shirts, blue dress short, white socks with black patten leather shoes. That combo, it just freaked me out. Something about the overtly tidy white socks and black shoes. Dad kept leaning over with his arm around the youngest shoulders, whispering in his ear. The kids just had that Children of Corn look about them and all I could think is they are going to be rapist when they grow up. A tag team of creepy brothers wrecking havoc on white bread suburbia. We need to stop going to that church.
On an equally "Things I don't need to hear" level, F and I had a yard sale to finance the remodel of our family room. People will tell you the most intimate details of their lives, holy goodness. An elderly couple visited our yard sale where the lady prattled on about the "lovely (1960 styled) pots and pans that would look so lovely on your table when you entertain." The men were discussing the computer so she and I went on to discuss some furniture we were selling, one of which was a bed. The elderly lady, 75 to be exact, turns to me and bitterly whispers, "After 47 years of marriage we have our own rooms. That's the way things end up. And I'll tell you another thing. He (she jerks her head towards her adorable little husband) had prostate surgery awhile ago and I'll tell you this, I went to the hospital with a husband,and I came home with a brother(she nearly spat). The doctors, oh they SAID everything would be fine after 3 months. THAT hasn't happen. I'm just telling you this, because people never tell you these things."

Um, yeah, there's a reason they don't tell you! T.M.I.!!!!!!

Magic 8 Ball Needed

I was relaying a story about F to a co-worker who, over the years I've come to rely on for great advice and insight. As usual with stories about F she shook her head and laughed. But then she said to me, "You know DH, it'll be like that for the rest of your life. The REST of your LIFE. It doesn't go up from here, it only goes down."

So, ah, are you saying I shouldn't marry F? I mean, seriously? She's been through divorce herself, and has been in a long term relationship with a man she seems to not really like, for years. And during many conversations, she can bring some serious Bitter, Party of One. So I don't know if she's trying to gently tell me I'm making a mistake, or if she's just all doom and gloom based on her past experiences. I have enough doubt on my own without someone whispering in my ear. Yes, F has his flaws, as do I. And God bless him for being able to put up with mine. It just really took me by surprise. Well, maybe not really. Often times I've felt like she's being hinting at F not being right for me. Shit. Am I over analysing this? And if I am, why am I? Does that mean something? Why can't I be all "LA LA LA I'm engaged, life is a fluffy cloud."????

I hate second guessing myself.

Irritated

In my family there is a monthly "Family Obligation" that we take turns doing. In the spirit of saving money for The Wedding, one of my siblings suggested that F and I bow out and save the money that would have been spent on the "Family Obligation" over the next year. My other siblings are not at all keen on this idea. The Eldest feels that, "It doesn't cost THAT much." Um, maybe not for You who doesn't present it with the same amount of care, yes. But for those of us who want everyone to feel as though there's plenty to go around, it does. The Second Oldest believes that if they have to do it, so does everyone else. The thing that hacks me off the most is that The Eldest makes well over 6 figures. The Second Oldest probably comes in a close second, with a high 5 figures. Both have been in tight financial situations were money had to be borrowed. And yet, here they are, devoid of all feelings when trying to help a sister(literally) out. F has little to say on the topic but is glad that I, as the Little Sister, has finally gotten the "balls" to stand up to the others. I haven't gotten enough though to completely flipped them off and tell them to take a flying leap with their forgotten shared money sorrows. I'm just pissed off enough though to tell them not to let the door hit them where the good lord split them if either of them complains about what is being put out at our go-around of the Family Obligation.





To top things off, F, after having met one of the sibling's friends who'd made a very expensive purchase on the way to a party, is now bemoaning where we are financially. He feels we should be able to travel and buy toys at whim as do "so many others". I fear, and rightly so, that F will insist on moving back East so that his Best Friend can show him the ins and outs of being a slum lord. Best Friend is a nice enough fellow, although he has tendency towards assiness. It is this assiness that I fear F may find to once again be a wondrous way of life thus letting Best Friend influence him in ways, I feel, have long ago been out grown. Best Friend has a great deal of influence on F as it is, from thousands of miles away. (Side note here, Best Friend is the one who had the amazing wedding back East only to have said marriage fall apart before he left to serve his country overseas.) (Extra side note: I am deathly afraid that Best Friend will bring one of his skanky new My Space loves to our wedding and recreate some of the seedy scenes from his wedding.) I know money is tight, and yes, I wish we could come and go as we please, but I'm not about to sit around and be depressed about it. Which is where I think F is headed. That, and back East, which is closer to the Family and THAT is so not where I want to be. Best Friend told F he wants him back East "At any cost." Me included apparently. Ok, maybe Best Friend isn't such a nice fellow.
Tell me people, how do you curb the influence someone has over someone else?

Am I Defective?

I've expressed to you in the past that I feel less than bridal because of my lack of knowledge on all things, girlie. Then I read Clink's post, Out Brided, and I have to say, as much as I like the girl and her cider drinking ways, she makes me feel completely inept as an educated female who's planning a wedding with an educated male. I have only a few of the things she has(Church and venue), and I was feeling pretty good about it. Not so much now. As for the friend she's speaking of, a hair appointment? For the wedding? In a few weeks? I'm still trying to decide if I'll let it grow out, or just opt for extension, let alone setting up an appointment for wedding hair!!! And honestly, I have YET to see an invite that I just have to have. Here is an exert from her posting:

I thought I was doing pretty well. If Bride-to-Be were a class, I’d surely be earning at least a B+, if not an A. I mean, it’s eleven months from our wedding and already M and I have secured the church, the reception site, the registry, the bridal party and the band. Not bad, right? I mean, I should probably start thinking more seriously about dresses and we do have to get all that stuff to the church that we’ve been too lazy to compile and my diet has been more like a non-diet and damn it I had an egg and cheese sandwich for breakfast today, but hey. All in all, I’m proud of us. Or, at least I was. Then I talked to M’s friend from college, Emma, who is getting married a month after us. Emma not only has everything that we have but she also has her dress, and her invitations, and her bridesmaids dresses and her florist and an appointment for her first hair trial in just a few weeks. But that’s not even the most disturbing part. I mean, some people are overachievers and I’m okay with not being one. (Besides, the overachievers never had dates in high school.) The most disturbing part is that, in order to get in shape for her wedding (please note: this woman is a size two, on a fat day), Emma wakes up at four thirty in the morning to go to the gym. That’s 4:30. A.M.

Ok, yeah, 4:30? AM?? As I commented on her post, not even for SEX. I mean, seriously? I think the last time I got up at that hour was to go to Boston, so that was for a flight for a girls' mini-break. Well worth it. Yay Boston and your cider having ON TAP selves! And working out? Um, not so much. I am not a working out kind of gal. I try to workout, but there is always some reason I quit. Mostly because, it's WORK. I YEARN for those days as a kid on the play ground when playing POOP DECK was a BLAST. Now I think about doing that, and I have to sit down. Everyone kept telling me how getting married is the great workout motivator. Not seeing it. I think I brought salad to work for a week, and then I had McDonald's. And a sub, and pizza.(NOT all on the same day.) And don't go thinking, Oh please, you one of those skinny girls that always complain about eating half of a mini muffin? I am so far from that category, trust me. I am well acquainted with Lane Bryant.
I also want F involved in the process. As I told him(through tears of course, see link to above post) I need him there to keep me sane. He however? totally laid back about the whole thing. Am I defective because all the flash and sparkle about planning my wedding has totally worn off? Am I a freak for wanting it just be DONE ALREADY? Can I take the male point of view and Just Show Up and it's all done and ready to go?????

I need some girl power or something, SERIOUSLY.

Problems

F and I are now roommates. After I said "YES!" to the marriage question, he asked if I was going to move in. Now? He's. Freaking. Out. As we first started to move me in, he said, "You don't have that much stuff. I don't see why Eldest Sister was complaining." It's been about a month now and it's turned into, "OMG, WHAT IS ALL THIS CRAP!!!" I have linens for the kitchen table, I have decorative rugs for the seasons, I have clothes, and lots of socks(which, honestly, I didn't even realize how many I had.) and, as any female, SHOES. I have boxes of old note books from college that still had unused pages and pages of paper(I purged those after he assured me we'd take them to the recycling center so as to not have had a tree die in vain). His house is bigger than mine, so fitting it all in, not a problem. It's just getting around to fitting it all in. It's become a vicious circle, Get up, go to work(late) work all day(in between reading Blogs) drive to my house to "work" on packing, moving things out, etc, get hot and hungry only to realize it's 7:30 and we haven't eaten yet and have nothing TO eat, pack up, go home, thaw something out, cook it, eat dinner at 8:30ish, watch TV to unwind for an hour or so, at 10pm fall into bed exhausted only be unable to sleep because F was snoring the minute he hit the pillow. Get up, pete and repeat. When am I suppose to arrange things? Every room, and I do mean EVERY ROOM in the house has a pathway through my stuff. I'm suppose to be purging things. Every weekend we've been busy. Or I haven't felt well. I am completely stressed out about all of it. I had a breakdown the other night. A night, which should have been stress free. The night we FINALLY booked our venue. Little things he did through out the morning were driving me crazy, and after he left to go do his Hobby, I was left to stew in my irritation. He asked me what was wrong when he got home and I said, "I don't want to talk about it right now." I was trying to give myself a chance to cool down so I wouldn't go all crazy postal on him. Finally we went to bed and I made of the mistake of deciding to journal. Writing about it, just PISSED ME OFF all over again.

"Are you going to tell me what is wrong?"

"Do you REALLY want to talk about this right now?"

"That's up to you." That response? Made me hit the roof. Fucking play passive aggressive with me! We proceeded to have a fight about something rather stupid, but it was soooo important at the time. Afterwards I was so upset I couldn't concentrate on finishing my journal entry because I was trying not to cry. The lights went out and our backs were facing each other.

"Are you crying?" came out of the dark from the other side of the king sized bed.

"no."

"What? are you crying?"

"No."

"Then why are you sniffling?" Sometimes he can be so in tune to what is going on with me, and other times.............

"because I'm trying not to cry."

"come here." he said as he lifted the covers so I could snuggle into his arms. And the dam broke and all the fears I'd had came flooding out. "Are you scared?" he asked me.
I decided to tell the truth. "Yes."

"About what?"

"Everything. Are we making the right decision. Is this going to work. Are we in over our heads."
He confessed, he was scared too. We talked for awhile longer, and then we fell asleep.
For the record, I hate crying. Lately however, it seems that's all I do. We fight, I cry, I feel better, for about a week. I honestly thought women were crazy when they said planning a wedding is seriously intense shit. Now? Not so much.

Next problem? I've become addicted, ADDICTED to McDonald's McGriddles. When they first hit the scene, I thought, EW! Now, I can't get enough of #9 with an OJ PLEASE! And sadly, as with McDonald's in general, I pass like 200 hundred on my way to work every morning. It'd be easier to avoid if they weren't EVERYWHERE. Bridal body? Not doing so well.

But, wait, there's more. Now that the venue has been secured(Thanks Mom!!!) I've become complacent. In the beginning of Wedding 2008, I was all, I MUST GET EVERYTHING DONE RIGHT THIS MINUTE!!!! And everyone kept telling me, "OH! You've got LOOOOOOOADS of time!!!" So? Now? I've got LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOADS of time! I've done NOTHING ELSE. No flowers, no invites, no favors. NADA. I swear, I'm going to end up on Bridellza's despite my efforts to stay far far away from such behavior. And I'll be the second bride who get's left at the alter.

Bedding Battles: Part Deux

The battle, which pretty much turned into a war the other night, rages on. We've experienced no relief concerning the hot/cold issue now that we are in the comforts of A/C. I am always hot. F is always cold. I love to sleep with the fan on, he shivers. I tell him to sleep in more, he tells me to sleep in less. I sleep in my birthday suit under just the sheet, so I'm not sure how much more "less" I can go. The other night he told me we were sleeping without the fan on. I said no, because I would be hot. He said his feet were cold, so I got him an extra blanket and put it on his feet. He sulked. I exploded. This requires a bit of a side note. When I am angry, he keeps at me until I tell him what is wrong. With him, he just clams up. I'd had enough of the double standard on sharing feelings. I said "Fine. I'll go sleep in the other room." At which point I made the move to grab my pillow, which he yanked out of my reach. Now that I think it about, that was kinda funny. Anyway, I yelled and demanded what it was he wanted me to, after all "I already sleep naked!!!!!"

"Can we not yell? Can we talk about this?"

Of course I felt like a jackass for yelling then, but damn it, why does he keep insisting that he doesn't want to sleep under another blanket? I don't understand. Am I crazy? Is it not easier to just add another blanket to keep warm than it is to find a way to keep me cool? I can't have the fan on, I can't turn the A/C colder, and I already sleep naked under just a sheet, so please, enlighten me as to how I'm suppose to cool off?? While you simply add a light cover and are all snugly warm without it affecting me.

Anyone?

The fan stayed on.

He slept under the extra blanket.

Bringing the Crazy

The night BF became F I laid awake for hours worrying about his family, my family, his religion, my religion, his house, my house, how the "kids" are going to be raised, if I was making a mistake and how in hell we are were going to pay for the 100+ people, on my side, ALONE. Since then I've been told by my friends that I was crazy, that I was "rushing" the engagement, that I was going to drive him nuts with all my wedding planning stuff(um,yeah, done.) and that I needed to ENJOY planning the wedding, that I need to RELAX and have FUN. This really annoyed the hell out of me, in fact, it still does. I have heard MANY horror stories about how the trials of getting a hall to match dates with your church. So the next day I became a Internet Google-ing fool. It truly amazes me how many places, in this day and age, do not advertise on the Web. Or the ones that are so "posh" they can't possibly be bothered with posting a price list. For the average American bride (ie blue collar folk) a set menu makes life so much easier. I can have chicken, fish or beef and one pasta. OK, easy enough. Just give me a price! Quit telling me that I need to call you for further information, because prices are based on what you choose from our vast gourmet selection. UGH! And seriously, I know this is a business, and they are in it to make money, but why can't they buy nice colored chairs that don't require a "chair cover"? I saw one place, ONE, that had nice pleather chairs in a simple cream color. See? it's that simple. Instead of assuming I have an extra $2.50 a chair ($246 based on 120 guests) to pay another vendor, to correct your color coordinating mistake. When I complained to my mother about how much it was going to cost she whips out the old, "If you can't afford to get married, maybe you shouldn't be getting married then." Um, pardon? I own a house, he owns a house, I think we can afford the what? $100 bucks for a license? which is REALLY ALL YOU NEED TO BE MARRIED. It's the party that costs the buckage. Not the actual marrying part. I explained to her that in ye olden days when both bride and groom were just then moving out of their parent's house and setting up a house together there was a larger cost associated with getting married. However, nowadays, that's not the case. We are combining things, which in the long run will be a money savings move.


I have to admit, once we actually set a date and got the church booked, I've relaxed just a tad. Then I logged onto The Knot and saw the long long list of things yet to be done, and the count down of days, and I kinda freaked again. I have plenty of time, it's just getting everything organized. Deciding what we want for what thing. I am no Monica Ghelleger with her massive color coordinated-cross referenced guide to her wedding that she's been putting together since she could use scissors. I've never imagined my flowers, or my cake or my colors or the bride's maid dresses. And I think, well, actually, I am pretty sure that, this is where my anxiety comes in, because I have no idea where to start with any of those things. And not knowing about any of these things, kinda makes me feel like I'm lacking as a female. I mean, I have no clue about what flowers are what. I can tell you what a rose is, and a dandelion, and that's pretty much it. As for my "colors", I know what color I'd like the bride's maids dresses to be(something deep jewel toned), but beyond that, why do I need "colors"???? Do you have any idea how many cake toppers there are out there???? And "favors"? Seriously? I'm feeding and boozing you up, do I need to supply you with a "favor" as well?????


So yes, this process is suppose to be fun, and exciting. But right now, I'm just not feeling the giddiness of a 22yr old spending her parent's money.

Maybe that's because I'm 33 and spending my own money.

Bands of Marriage

Well folks, I must change BF to just F because the boy got down on one knee and proposed! So now he's a Fiance'!!!!! Now that all the hype is dying down, after only a few short days I must say, the horror stories are starting to emerge. Why do people feel the need to tell you how to avoid horrible things? Why can't they impart knowledge of saving money? Tell my how to avoid spending a fortune. Don't tell me how to avoid hating my in-laws. Ok, I can understand the need for both, really I can. But I want to hear the HAPPY, I'm already discovering the horror on my own. $80 a head?!?!?!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????????? I don't need braised or sauteed or glazed or fresh baby anything. Crack open some KFC Classic and their fabu biscuits and I'm good. I don't need uber fancy. I need nice. Clean dishes, clean crisp linens. Plus it doesn't help that the wedding we went to back east(marriage is over btw) has totally made the local VFW hall unacceptable as a reception venue. I want COOL, I want UNIQUE, I WANT FAIRY TALE. I can afford, VFW.


I'm buying a lotto ticket today at lunch, I swear I am. Lunch, yes all forms of food now also must change. I have to have the fabu bridal body. (B)F is all about wanting to look "smokin hot" for our wedding. WE can't have him all smokin and me barely smouldering. *Sigh*

Plus he's telling me I can't talk wedding stuff for at least 2 weeks so we can "enjoy the engagement." He rolled his eyes after he suggested I make an Excel list labeled 'Guests', and I informed him said list was made and had already been altered several times. With over a year to plan and have various breakdowns, I'll probably drive him away.