Needed.........4...Received.......15

While back East, I questioned MIL (mother-in-law) about having something from The Homeland incorporated into the wedding. She wasn’t very forthcoming. Her first answer was food, which F and I had pretty much ruled out. There really isn’t anything that is uniquely “Homeland”, so I’m still not sure what we are going to do, besides dancing, she did mention some sort of dance. The one thing she DID grip onto like a dog and a bone was the gift registry. She wants me registered, like the day after we got engaged. To me? That is one of the LAST things on my list. I don’t need people sending me shit (gifts) for the next 12 months that I have to keep track of. (I sound bitchy, I know, but really, F and I do not, DO NOT need any more stuff in the house. He FREAKS every time I bring something new in.)Apparently though, people are already questioning her. Or so I thought, at first. She kept telling me things that I needed to put on the registry. An electric tea pot so I can hot water for hours when company comes over. (No one comes over. And unless I’m birthing someone’s baby, they can wait 5 minutes for the water to heat on the stove.) An electric roaster just like the one F’s SIL (sister-in-law) has. The biggest I could find online was this 18 quart one. It cooks a 22 lb turkey. I swear the one she had was bigger, like 30 quarts, but whatever, when would I need that? Seriously? My aunt has one, I’ll borrow hers. Which is what I said to MIL, and she said, “You don’t want to be borrowing that forever, do you? Have one of your own.” The only thing I said we’d need was our good china. OMG, did her eyes light up! I missed the “WARNING! WARNING! DANGER! Will Robinson!” that came with those blazing eyes. As I was home sick recovering from Bronchitis caused by “it’s just an ear infection” pneumonia, MIL called. She was at Macy’s, who was having a sale, and she “found this china set on sale, Did I want it? I could look at it online to see if I liked it!”

Did I not predict this? She’s picking out our good china!?!?!!?!?

“No, NO, NOOOOOO!!!!! “ is what I said to F.

“I told her no. I said you’d go looking with her when we come back next month.”

“WHAT!!!! No NO NOOOOO!!!! I’m not ready to go looking! Jesus! I want to go looking with MY OWN MOTHER!”

He was silent, taken aback by my strong reaction. All my life I listened to my mother complain about her MIL and how often she crossed the line with butting into our lives, telling her how to raise us and what-not. Then as I got older and my friends started to get married I started hearing their horror stories about their MILs butting in and I decided, that if I ever got married, that my MIL would know there would be NO line crossing. My domain is mine, not hers. Stay out!
When we packed the car to come back home we left with a comforter, a frying pan big enough to fry a small child, a cake stand without a lid (“What good is it without a lid?” said Eldest sister when I told her.) a metal fruit dish and 2 sets of bath towels for “company”.

As MIL is loading me up with all these “goodies” she informs me that she buys everything in twos, one for SIL and one, for me.

I wonder how much it would cost to drive a U-Haul over 500 miles?

God Bless the Mid-West

Things FIL (father-in-law) said during our visit back East…..

1. To F’s mother: “Why is the baby still sleeping? .....Why can’t I wake him up?”
2. To F’s mother after coming home from work: “Do you have any food? I’m hungry!” (no hi honey, no, I’m home! Nothing pleasant at all.)
3. To me while discussing the eating issues caused by not having a gall bladder (with F’s mother, NOT FIL) “You can’t eat fat! Didn’t they tell you not to eat FAT!?!?!?!”
4. To F’s mother about taking the sick baby shopping with us: “You’re going to take the baby out with you in the cold? He’s sick!” “You’re taking too long to get ready. You’re going to be late picking up C from day care. You’d better not be late!” (Notice, no offer to watch the sick baby, OR to pick up C from daycare. Needless to say, we took a sick 1yr old and a hungry, tired 6yr old shopping at the mall with us.)
5. To all of us while we were sitting at the dinner table waiting for him: “I’ll sit down when the food is on the table!”
6. To F when F tried to serve him by putting food on his plate(we were doing ‘pass your plate’ to make sure everyone got HOT food) “NO! I’ll fill my OWN plate with food. THANK YOU!!!!”
7. And the best for last. To F while discussing their side of the wedding list: “…..I don’t care how much it costs you!! $50, $60, $70 or $80!!!!! WHAT makes YOU think ANYONE wants to come to YOUR DAMN WEDDING ANYWAY?!?!?!?!?!?”

And people wonder why I always get sick when after we've been there. This time? Bronchitis.

The baby had Pneumonia or as MIL(mother-in-law) told us, "No no, it's not pneumonia, it's just an ear infection." as the baby coughed that wet nasty mucusy cough.

Um, yeah.

Back East.....Back Seat

We are going back east to visit F’s family and his friend who is home on leave. This is the first visit back since we got ENGAGED, and honestly? I am PETRIFIED. I’m afraid that there’s going to be a “last minute” engagement party sprung on us, at his church, and that? So not cool. And in more than a “OMG, this is sooooo the wrong outfit for an engagement party!!!!” stand point. When I broached the topic with him, about this maybe happening? Yeah, it didn’t help that his answer was, “No, that’s not going to happen. *pause* But if there are Homeland People at the Birthday party, do not, DO NOT answer them if they ask what our living arrangement is. Just pretend you didn’t hear them.”

Um? Sorry? Really? People I don’t know from Adam (yes I sometimes talk like a 90yr old) would actually ask me if I’m living in sin? And you want me to PRETEND I didn’t hear them? Surely, you jest? So of course, all this morning I’ve been running in my head things I could say that would let them know they are crossing the line with the American Girl. And of course, I’ve also been practicing the tone of voice in which to say it as well. Because as my mother always told me, “It’s not WHAT you say. It’s HOW you say it.” And really, ladies, we all know this, right? (insert your ME-OW here).

1. Polite smile, slightly condescending tone, “Why do you ask?”
2. Puzzled look, bewildered tone, “Who are you?” Their answer. Another bewildered tone, “Hmmmmmm, well I don’t really see how that is any of your business?”
3. Polite smile, pat on the arm, slightly condescending tone, “In this matter, you need not concern yourself.”
   

Or am I going about this completely wrong? Should I follow his advice and ignore them? And what happens if they go even further and start asking when we’ll be having kids?

1. Horrified look, “Don’t you think we should get MARRIED First? I mean, that’s how it works where I come from!”
2. Polite smile, “Well, we’re not planning on having any kids until those that keep asking us are willing to be financially responsible for them. How much can I put you down for?”
3. Puzzled look, “Are you asking me about my ovulation cycle?”
4. Completely serious look, “Not until we can find a proper surrogate. I don’t need to be bothered with all that pregnancy stuff.” Look them up and down, “Are you offering us your uterus?”

What do you think? How would you/have you handled these situations?

Huh?

The lady with the Crocs has dyed her hair, Purple. Ok, maybe more plum, but still. She’s in her sixties. She works in an office. She’s been wearing her slippers around the office lately. Her hair is plum. Last week, in front of a large group of people she comments rather loudly to another co-worker,

“WHOA GIRL!!!! You sure are GRAY around here!!!!” while flicking her finger back and forth along her forehead hair line.

This isn’t the first time she’s called attention to something like that. She’s done it to me too, when I was going through my red phase. She told me my hair looked plum, like hers. She's also pointed at a PMS induced breakout on my face and said in front of people, at a meeting, "What's that???" She’s also asked a co-worker if she would jump if she pinched her butt. She’s also the one in this story, about walkers and common stall "#2"ers.
This is what I spend my days with. And F wonders why I drink.

Losing My Mind

I’m losing my mind people. I have one co-worker who keeps telling me that ever since F came into my life, I’ve not been the same DH. Ever since he’s asked me to marry him, I’ve been stressed out. Most times I don’t even realize it. But sometimes it’s blatantly clear. Forgetting that we are getting married. Being unable to put together a simple little announcement e-mail. Zoning out of conversations at almost every turn. Forgetting to do simple steps in my job. Burning dinner. The list goes on, probably on to stuff that I don’t even realize. And when I feel the stress, I feel it full on. I feel dazed and confused. Tired. Drained. I just don’t know how to combat it. More sleep? I try. Eating better? Well, not so much, because I am a stress eater. Most days I just want to curl up with F and sleep the world away.
That’s not going to happen anytime soon. Especially with the trip back East to contend with soon. How can I sleep knowing his mother is in the kitchen, making us breakfast? Talking about me in the Homeland language? His father’s dislike of me speaking volumes, while he actually says nothing to me, at all. How can I not be stressed? I’m taking an extra day off to recover from it all. I need a drink just thinking about it.

On a brighter note my Eldest sister and her husband have finally gotten it through their heads that F and I are trying to do the wedding on a tight budget. They offered to pay for the cake.
I’m speechless.
But still stressed out.

I'm A DARK Blond

I am a blond, but I'm what the hair people call a Dark Blond. So dark in fact that sometimes I say I have very light brown hair. This apparently however doesn't stop me from having blond moments.
Last night as F and I were passing out candy there was lull in the kids, so we were chatting about different things.

He turns to me and says, "Next year we probably won't be here to pass out candy."

"What? Why not?!?!?!?"

He just stared at me for a good 2 minutes before it dawned on me, "OOOOOOOOH! Yeah, right!!!"

He rolled his eyes as I giggled and made him kiss me.

In case you're as clueless as I am, we'll be on our HONEYMOON. Because we'll have just gotten, MARRIED. 7 days before. Yeah. Right. DUH.

All I ask for is your Support

My sister-in-law is being very helpful when it comes to wedding suggestions. She brings me favors from other people's weddings, pictures of their dresses, a website to a photographer who she thought was cool, and several other things. Recently she told me of the idea of having a smaller version of the cake you want and then having a sheet cake served to guest as a way to cut cost. I told her that I had heard about that and a few other ideas I'd been thinking about. One was having a fake cake, with a real piece for the cutting and the rest would be Styrofoam or whatever, and everyone would be served sheet cake. My Eldest sister called me "a red necked hill billie" while her husband told me that idea was "cheap". Be that as it may, I think they could have expressed their feelings in a different manor. Then my B-i-L says to me, "You only get married once. Have a REAL cake." To which I responded, "Yes, but I don't want to be paying for it for the rest of my life either." They just don't seem to get it, F and I do not have a lot of money. I have some serious credit card debt that is holding me back, and I don't know, a MORTGAGE. They seem to think the money is free flowing. I feel that every time I bring up something about the wedding, they gang up on me, telling me I'm being "cheap".
Is it so much to ask that my family support me? Seriously, is it? I don't want my memories of my family's involvement of my wedding to be a bad one, and so far, that's all I've got.

Things I Worry About

• That I don’t have any real friends, even though I know I do.
• That my mom will pass away or get really sick just before the wedding.
• That F’s mom or dad will pass away or get really sick just before the wedding.
• That I will be in credit card debt til the day I die.
• That my nagging about picking up after himself will make F hate and resent me.
• That we’ll never sell my house.
• That I’ll get sick on our Honeymoon.
• That I’ll not have Bridal Body 2008 for the wedding.
• That I’ll tell F’s dad off for being a racist bigot.
• That I’ll never find a wedding dress.
• That if I do find THE DRESS, my sister will be angry with me for not letting her make it.
• That F will want to raise the kids in his religion that I think is horribly sexiest.
• That we won’t be able to have kids.
• That there will be something wrong with our kids.
• That I’ll keep messing up dinner in someway every night for the rest of our married life. I seriously think this would change if we had a different stove!
• That The Crazy will be unbearable for poor F when I have whacked out pregnant hormones.
• That the global warming is as bad as they say it is and our kids will be doomed.
• That F will get a job far-far-away and I’ll have to move away from my family.
• That my sister’s cancer will come back.
• That I’ll lose my job.
• That I wouldn’t be able to find a new job.
• That you’ll all think I’m crazy because of what I worry about.

365

Today is officially one year to the day that I will become Mrs F. Actually Ms. D. H-F. I'm keeping my last name and adding his. He's ok with it. 365 days, let the nightmares begin. Or continue as the case may be. Last night I dreamt it was THE DAY and I had nothing, NOTHING done. As I stood in what I presume in my dream to have been the basement bathroom of our church, with pink tile and yellow sink and poor lighting( i don't even know if our church has a basement, let alone a basement with a pink and yellow bathroom in it), I stared in the mirror horrified that they wanted to do my hair which I hadn't washed yet. "I can't get married with greasy hair! I just can't! " Somehow I managed to shower? In the church basement bathroom? Anyway, with fresh hair I prepared to have my hair done, only to look down at the old rusty curling iron, as it slide into the sink of water. "Is is broken??!!? Won't I be electrocuted if we use it while it's wet?!?!"
All the while trying to tell myself that the things that hadn't been finished wouldn't matter, no one would notice. I don't even know what the things were that I hadn't finished. I just had an overwhelming feeling that they were all major wedding things that should have been done months before hand.
364 more weird, stress inducing dreams to go.

Things I’ve Done in the Last 24 hrs

1. O.D.ed on allergy meds which had F sending me promptly to bed. I was in a haze the rest of the day. To the point I didn’t hear my neighbor say Hi to me when I was sitting out in the yard.

2. Made a slightly raw dinner. F really needs to speak up on these things.

Me: "Hmmm this is kinda raw.”
F: “Yeah.” (after he had finished it all)
Me: “Why didn’t you say
anything?”
F: “I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”
Me: “That’s nice, but I don’t want you eating raw food!”

3. Dyed my hair to cover up the gray.

F: “Did you color your hair a different color?”
Me: “I used a different brand. Why? Does it look darker?”
F Nods his head and wrinkles his nose in dislike.

4. Slept in the guest room because apparently coming down from an Allergy med high makes me restless and cranky.

5. Packed, and then forgot my lunch on the table.

6. Touched up the polish on my toes. Yes, I do keep it in my draw at work. O.P.I.(Chicago Champagne Toast) is the best polish around, and is extremely expensive. It is totally the brand I hope to use for The Wedding.

7. Ate lunch outside and debated not coming back into the office.

8. Checked out Say Yes to the Dress website after watching it on TLC this weekend and crying because my mom may not get to go dress shopping with me. And gagging on the fact that these girls’ DRESS budget is my WEDDING budget.

9. Was disgusted that on website above the dress they said is right for my body type is akin to the T.P roll cover my grandma knitted for us. Can you say, Gone with the Wind?

10. Chatted with co-workers about various un-work related topics.

11. Wrote this post.

PMS makes me Bitchy

Every girl knows, every man dredges it. It's PMS. Sometimes it hits early, sometimes it hits late. Sometimes I'm an emotional tornado, other times I'm fine.
F, and just about everybody, is extra irritating at this time. The littlest things set me off.
For instance. F wants to go to this event and invite Second Eldest and her Man. He's been talking about it for over a week. However, did F do any of the research needed in aiding the decision to attend the event? Why no. So what follows is the conversation we had:

"Can you look it up?"

"You didn't look into it?"

"No. So will you look it up? After all, you just sit at a computer all day." (that trips my trigger every time.)

"You've been talking about this all week, why didn't you look into it?"(I'm starting to steam.)

"I don't know. Just look it up, I can hear you typing at your computer now." (It's called multi-tasking, you should try it sometime!)

"No, look it up when you get home."

"Fine."

"Fine."

So tell me, is this a guy thing? Every time I see an event that I want to attend I look into. Cost, time, location. I print stuff out, map it, whatever.

When he sees an event he wants us to attend? He asks me to do all the leg work. While at work. Even though we have the Internet, at home.

GRRRRRRRR.

You're a Jackass, and You? You're Disgusting.

• To the Jackass with the big fancy expensive car, the off ramp has two lanes in it. If you'd taken a moment to notice, the cars were lining up either on the right or the left, to make their turns. You however, decided to plop your fancy butt smack dab in the middle of the lanes, hence blocking those of us who were making a right turn. You also failed to notice that the cars were lining up behind you, in 2 very distinct lines.
  You're a Jackass.

• To the other Jackass who took lessons from the first Jackass, again, there are 2 left turn lanes onto the one way street. If you pull into the far right left turn lane, it means you are turning into the far right lane. Thank you so much for pulling into the far right left turn lane only to cut me off by turning to the left lane. Hence making a diagonal turn, that if I'd turned at the same time, which is the point in having 2 turn lanes, for traffic flow; you would have hit me smack in the middle of my passenger's side. Effectively caving in the entire side of my car with your SUV.
  You're a Jackass.
  
• To the Dude standing on the corner holding the "CELL PHONES! TWO BLOCKS WEST!!!!" Sign for some random cell phone store, I don't mind you b-bopping(yes, I said b-bopping) to the music you hear in your head, and I'm glad you have an honest job and aren't out there being a criminal. However, it IS criminal to be standing on a busy street corner, with a hard on, calling attention to yourself.
  You"re Disgusting.

Some Happy, Some not so Happy

Some Happy

• Last night after I’d just crawled into bed with a snoring F, my phone rang. I ran to the other room having recognized my Second Eldest sister’s boyfriend’s ring tone. She called to wish F a belated birthday. As we were chatting she says, “Well I also have to tell you, G(her bf) proposed.” Stated most matter of factly, without a hint of the glee I had when I teared up when I told them F and I were engaged. I could, however, hear the smile in her voice.
  
  

“OMG!!!!” That is so awesome! What did you say?” (Honestly, I doubt she would’ve called to say she said No. Would any of us engaged people have made the calls to tell people we said No? And yet, everyone asks anyway.)

“I’m not certain.”

“WHAT? You’re not certain what you said, or you said you weren’t certain?!?!?”
She laughs, “I said, Are you serious????” (In the retelling to F, he comments at this point, Must be a family thing.)

“HAHAHA, I said something similar to F. So it’s not just you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. So?”

“ I told him I wasn’t use to the idea, and to ask me again in a half hour.”

“Second Eldest!!!!!!”

“I know! I know! But it just took me completely by surprise. So he waited and asked me again.”

“And! So? Am I getting a new B-i-L???????!!!!”

“YES!”(Actually she dragged out the telling a little longer than that, she loves to get people all riled up, I was totally on the edge of my seat.)
At this point I’m so giddy, we both are. Everyone in the family has been waiting for them to get married. He’s really great. WAAAAAAAAAAAAY better than her other 2 ex-husbands. Yeah, 3rd time? Total Charmer!!! So this is so totally awesome!

Some Not so Happy

• I’m totally jealous of the fact that they got engaged, in Maui. On.The.Beach.In.Maui.
  I’m also feeling a little of my bridal thunder being silenced. Yes, I am a little selfish, it’s my wedding next year, not hers! She’s done this already. Twice. I’m a horrid person.
  
  

Some Happy

• Now we can plan and look at some stuff together! She’s not going whole hog this time, but still, FUN FUN!!!
  

Some Not so Happy

• When I e-mailed my mother to get a time frame for when she’d be back from down south, where she winters, Thanksgiving or Christmas? She told me that since her BF’s cancer is back, she may not be coming home for the holidays in order to stay down there and help care for him.
  I wanted to go wedding dress shopping while she was home during that time.
  When I got home, I cried. F said I could go with my sisters.
  I told him it just wasn’t the same.
  *Sigh*
  
  

Some Happy

• I get to go Wedding Dress Shopping!!! Hell, I’ve already got the shoes all picked out! hehehe
  

Over the Weekend

I went shopping for various items this Saturday. New brown boots. A white comforter. Towel bars for the bathroom. Various birthday and anniversary cards. F’s birthday present. And groceries. I started at 10:30 and was finished by 3:00. My ankle and knee were killing me. I’d been wearing my tennis shoes the entire time. I hobbled to the couch and crashed. I took drugs to ease the pain. It helped, some. So I’ve decided to take my sorry tush to a specialist. I can’t be hobbling! This really sucks. I mean REALLY sucks. Hopefully I won’t have to swear off heels, hell, not even just heels, shoes in general? WALKING!?!?!?!!? Freaking getting older is a nasty bitch!

As for the boots? FABU! And can you believe? SEARS? The Softer Side of Sears has really come through for me on two boot occasions. I may have to just go to them for boots from the get.

All white comforter? NOTHING, unless I want down or down alternative, which I really don’t, because, yeah, I’m always HOT. I’m sure F would love it though.

Towel bars for the bathroom? Check! To whom ever re-did our bathroom and placed the tile towel bars at a height where hanging your towel over said bar then causes the T.P to be wet? You’re a dork. Oh, and also, the second tile towel bar you hung? You know the one that hangs OVER the heat/ac vent? Again, DORK. Although I will miss a heated towel come this winter.

F’s birthday present? Hidden at the neighbor’s house. He still thinks all he’s getting are the slippers and dinner. HA HA!!!! I’m so sneaky!

Of course the weekend was over shadowed by me “losing” my engagement ring! *GASP* As we were getting ready to leave for church, I could not find said ring. I called F to help me search. We tore about the bedroom. “I don’t remember taking it off last night!” I cried to F. He started ripping off the covers in case it came off during the night. As I was going to hang up my towel on the stupid towel bar from above, it hit me! We’d gotten home late the night before and half asleep I’d place my engagement ring in the cleaner, in the bathroom cabinet. Where I found it, safe and sound and shiny clean.
F stated that we need to get it insured. Um, yeah.

So Many Shoes, and Just One Wedding.

So you can thank Molly over at These Little Moments for the following post.

She posted about looking for her wedding shoes, and it inspired me. So Many Shoes, and Just One Wedding is the tag line at Bellissima Bridal Shoes. And boy, they aren't kidding! I fell in love with several, over a dozen. And I'm sure I'll add more as time goes on. Here's the thing though, I have Polish ankles, so they are not slim. I'm not saying I have cankles, because that's not the case, they're just not supper slim so the whole danity ankle strap just isn't gonna get it for me. I know a slide probably won't work because like I said before, I plan on being medicated. So I think my shoes should somehow be strapped to my feet. Also, I have issue with my baby toe being mashed between straps, so you'll notice there aren't any strappy sandals. Some of these just aren't fancy enough for me, but others are. Who know there'd be so many telling things about a person and her bridal shoes? I want fancy, but comfortable, I want sexy but wearable. So many factors to consider!

Granted the following examples of my obession aren't all properly in-line with a sling back with less than a 3 inch heel, but a girl can always dream, right?

Let me know what you think people!

1)

2)3)4)5)6)7)8)9)10)11)12)13)

14)

15)

If I ever......

I'm sure we've all played this "game" before. You see something heinous or some really bad behavior exhibited by someone else and you turn to your friend,family member, significant other and say, "If I ever XYZ......smack me."
Here have been a few of mine to F in last few months:

1. If I ever get that fat, smack me. But you know, do it nice a way, don't mean be about it. Said after seeing a trio of young girls who were really extremely over weight. I'm no lightweight myself, but even I was disgusted.
2. If I ever wear an outfit that is too young/old/tight, smack me. Uttered during Church about another member whose dress was so tight, the buttons were straining to stay on. Also about the same member a week later who was wearing a bare backed halter top to Service. She's really too old for that and it's completely inappropriate for Service.
3. If I ever go grocery shopping dressed like her, smack me. Look at her, those heels are so high she can't even push her cart. Sneered about a woman who was shopping at Costco with her young impressionable daughter wearing a very low cut, snug tight shirt with an extremely good push-up bra, tight skinny fit jeans and strappy gold heels. And I know I wasn't the only woman making comments or staring either. That poor daughter, what image issues she'll have.

Or how about If YOU ever? I've bet you've all played this one too:

1. If YOU ever cheat on me, I'll make you hurt in ways you never thought possible. I never said I wasn't a little psycho.
2. If YOU ever hit me, you'll be someone else's bitch(in prison). Told to F while relaying my mom's advice about how she threatened my father that she'd leave him, with 3 little kids, if he ever laid a hand on her. Not to say he was violent. They psycho had to come from somewhere. (sorry mom.)

Anyone else? What have you said: "If I/You ever......smack me"?

Things People Need to Understand

1. You are my Co-Worker, not my Boss, so back the hell up off me!


2. We work in cube land, so Yes, I can hear your every bitchy double standard words about every one's too loud cell phone ringing, but never anything about your own stupid Nextel.


3. You are not the only person I do stuff for, so stop acting like you are the one and only, and wait your turn like everyone else.


4. Stop listening in on my conversations and then making comments for which you were not ask for.


5. Just because I'm younger than you doesn't mean you can act like my mother. I have one, and she is much better than you.


6. If you're not going to invite me to lunch, don't whine when I don't invite You to lunch.


7. If you are sick, stay the hell home! We don't want to listen to you hacking up a lung. Just because you are bored at home does not give you the right to come to work and infest the office with germs.


8. It's extremely rude to invite yourself to my wedding. I was going to invite you anyway, but you shouldn't assume I won't cut you in order to invite, um, MY FAMILY.
9. I am poor. I am planning a wedding. So when I tell you I can't afford to put in for the Boss's Christmas present, don't look at me and say, " Not even $4?" Especially after I also just told you I'm not buying MY OWN FAMILY presents for Christmas this year.
10. You have an office door, shut it. I don't need to hear you ordering your hemorrhoid cream or berating someone over the phone.

Tastes Like......?

F and I did our "Tasting" for the wedding reception food. I can't say I thought it was outstanding, but it was good and as I was sucking the meat off the bone(OK! the old fashioned fried chicken WAS really good.) my mom looks at me and says, "Well you know you're not going to eat that day anyway, you'll be too nervous." She seems to keep forgetting that I plan to be MEDICATED al a Pretty in Pink for at least the entire week before the wedding. I'm totally serious about this. We have people coming in from ALL over God's Green Earth for this wedding. F's side is coming in from the Homeland and all the various other countries they've scattered to. I have a bride's maid coming in from the UK and 2 are coming from out of state. All of F's groom's men are from out of state except for my brother. All of these people need to be here at least 2 days before the wedding. And be housed. My maids' of honor(yes, I'm having 2) said they'd come a full WEEK before the wedding to keep me sane. Which, deep down, I think might actually do the opposite, but hey, who knows. It may be all party all the time. So with me being stressed out, eating? Well, I'm a stress eater, so I don't see me NOT eating. I mean seriously, every time we go to Costco I eye their ready made food and think, um yeah, we'll be picking up those chicken wraps for the wedding party for before the wedding. I've seen brides who don't eat before the wedding, usually they end up taking a header somewhere along the line. I do not want this to be me. Plus, if I wait too long to eat I get cranky with a splitting headache and I can't process info properly.

Priest: "Do you take this man?"

Hungry me: "Yes, I'll have HAM!"

Not pretty.

Things I Hate.....

Things I Hate.....About being 30-something

1. I'm no longer 20-something


2. Sleeping until noon is no longer allowed or even possible. I seem to be slipping into that old people habit of getting up earlier and earlier as I get older. My mother? She gets up at like 5am, and actually DOES stuff.


3. Physical aliments no longer go away within a few days, they linger.


4. I've had physical issues that required surgery to correct. And just to warn you, a gall bladder is actually a good thing, not a useless thing. Not to go into detail here but with gall bladder pizza or fried food=non-issue. Non-gall bladder=quick stepped trip to the bathroom. Just sayin.


5. My absolute horror at the possibility that I may no longer be able to handle wearing heels, of any kind. 2 yrs ago I very badly sprained my ankle, I had to go to rehab(side note here, every time I hear the word rehab I think of that song by Amy Winehouse and I always hear the word rehab like how she sings it in the song followed by the "no,no,no.") Anyway, almost a year to the day later I sprained it again. It seemed to heal fine this time, but now, as I try to wear my favoritest boots, I end the day limping and dying to remove my favoritest boots to get relief. My ankle is swollen and stiff and my knee is all jacked up too. And it's not just the boots, it's any heel, and apparently any height heel as well. Seriously, I just got into heels at the age of 25, this is so not cool.


6. My gray hair is spreading across my head. Yes, I've had it since I was in my 20's, it was kind of a cute thing then. Now? Now it's just kind of Telling, you know what I mean? Hair maintenance isn't just because I like highlights, it's now NECESSARY maintenance.
7. Going out means having to drive home which means a drinking limit. That is probably a good thing, because I just can't handle the adult beverages like I used to. Plus, when add to #2, hangovers are real extra bitchy.

What the Hell?

Things that I just don't understand:

• On the way home the other day, a full sized pick-up truck with CAMOUFLAGED SEAT covers. Because the poor animals can see and smell the truck, but the inside is lost in a swirl of camo. Sneaky humans!
• Why gas is $2.89 on the way to work, but is $2.85 a mere 8 hours later. I propose that we apply the same theory they have at department stores, if it goes on sale within the next 30 days, I get a refund for the difference. Ok, maybe make it 12 hrs, but you get my meaning.
• Why if I order french fries through the drive-thru I have ASK for ketchup. It's not like we are in England and people use vinegar or ketchup. Just give me the damned ketchup.
• Why if you Super Size your meal you try to fool yourself by still ordering a Diet. Yeah, that's a life saver.
• Why you don't pull the fuck over when you see the flashing lights of a ambulance, police or fire vehicle. We all know you are the same people who will sue the city because said rescue vehicle took too long to reach your sorry ass if you were the one waiting to be saved.
• Why people wait until the VERY LAST second to pull out of the merge lane into regular traffic, doing, of course, LESS than the posted speed limit. Or wait until the VERY LAST INCH to merge when 4 miles back the bright orange construction sign told you the lane would be ending, in 4 miles. So the rest of us have to STOP because some lame brain decided to let you in.
• Why don't people don't wash their hands after using the bathroom. SERIOUSLY, wash your damn HANDS!