Adulthood Sucks

Hard Core Yo!

2012-01-11T13:02:00.000-05:00

PCH is coming at ya strong !! They be rollin with the BIG DOGS
WOOF WOOF

Really PCH??? This rough and tumble look is a bit much. It makes me think your money is dirty.
Mob ties??

Ed would be so distressed.

Sailing along in a Whirlpool…

2012-01-09T10:45:00.001-05:00

“Hurry up and Wait.”

I remember when my sixth grade musicteacher announced to us new sixth graders that is was going to be the way ofthe world from here on out. Even at the all-knowing age of 13, this conceptdawned anew, yet very wise to me. Youtend to forgot this, when you are waiting for 45 minutes in a paper gown oncrinkled paper atop a pleather table, or on hold with the electric company; butI think if we kept it in mind during these moments it would help alleviate someof our blood pressure issues.

My most recent case of “Hurry Up and Wait” pertains to the Short Sale of my house. Things were sailingalong rather smoothly despite the Mortgage Company and their feet dragging waysor the buyer deciding they needed to be an LLC and the Mortgage Company sayingno. We had moved past that. The MortgageCompany came with an offer, PAY US MONEY for the next five years and we’ll callit good. I, in need to be done with this, was ready to jump at the offer as is.Our Attorney, (and F) decided itwould be best to go back to the Mortgage Company with our pockets out and thelint dangling from our elbows as we croakedly asked, “Please Sir, can you makeit less?”

Fine, less out of our pockets is a good thing. I agree. Buttime is of the essence here, and all this back and forth takes TIME. Lots andLOTS of time. Mortgage Companies moveSLOWLY, even when it comes to collecting your money. Just read the news abouthow far behind they are on foreclosures, at least a year. So I was settled in for a long wait. OurRealtor had told us at the onset of the process that the minimum was sixmonths. We are at month FOUR from theORGINIAL offer. On October 19^th the Original Buyer decided to be an LLC. Wethen moved through changing names and resubmitting the NEW Buyer offer to theMortgage Company. New Buyer appeared on October 28^th. That puts us at TWO AND A HALF months. Asopposed to SIX. Am I wrong that Istarted counting over when we had to change names? That took time. Plus the Original Buyer took a little tripout of the country and papers weren’t getting signed or notarized, and that wasa cluster. So here we are, two and ahalf months later, after THREE major holidays, and the “Buyer” Original or NewI am not sure, is “(g)etting antsy.” So says the Buyer Realtor.

Seriously dude? Now Iknow I thought your realtor was kinda flaky, but I at least figured since shemade such a show of how many short sales she was juggling she would have toldyou that this takes time. Months of time. Apparently, I was correct in my judgment of her lack of sense. I gave her too much credit. Silly me. I do have a problem when it comes togoing with my gut instincts. It has been an issue I have struggled with sincechildhood. That aside, I truly do hopethe ants get out of your pants, or I may be suing you for mental anguish if youpull out of this sale. I cannot take much more of this.

Patience is a virtue.

Please have some of both.

There Was No Snow for Christmas.....

2012-01-06T10:41:00.001-05:00

And no Peace and certainly not Joy.

That's right my digital friends, F and I drugged and packed up Puppy and headed Back East to spend the Lord Jesus' Birthday with his family.
I have to say that once again this year things were less drama filled than in the past. However, F and I found ourselves smack dab in the middle PLUMBING GATE: 2011. Please read here about the use of vinegar and baking soda. FIL attacked F about our use of T.P. as the cause of PLUMBING GATE: 2011. F HIT THE ROOF. He told FIL not to accuse him and his wife(that would be me) of causing a problem he (FIL) already knew he had and refused help in fixing. Apparently FIL's response was: "Oh, so you're going to be a MAN now are you?"
Oh, the love, it is overwhelming.
After this little male pissing contest we took MIL shopping. F turned on her in the car. She refused to talk about it which enraged F even more. He declared, once again, that we would NOT be staying at their house when next we visit. She declared that in THAT case we need not visit, AT ALL.

And here my digital friends is where FIVE YEARS ( i know, not all that long compared to some, but quite long for me) of keeping my peace came to a very dramatic end.
I LOST MY COOL.
I YELLED. YELLED. Not spoke sternly. Not through gritted teeth and pursed lips. FULL ON YELLED at MIL.
I don't remember verbatim what I said, but the gist was; Stop the drama! Do not Threaten us! Not visiting is VERY MUCH an option as far as I'm concerned, so DO NOT PUSH ME.
F, was stunned. I was stunned. MIL was crying.
MIL's response was that she wasn't threatening us, that we just don't understand what it is like with HIM everyday since we are only there ONCE a YEAR and ONLY for a FEW Days. (ah, still able to get a dig in). It hurts her feelings that we don't want to stay in her house; and how would we feel if she did that? I told her I wouldn't care. Whatever made her most comfortable was fine by me.

I apologized for yelling. And then I told her she could come visit us, that we want her to come visit us. She wailed that she can't go anywhere!
She was still crying, F was crying. I was shocked and horrified at myself. I was also waiting for F to lose his shit on me for losing mine on his mamma.
I did feel some sense of relief though, I have to say. My friend at work felt that it was unfair that MIL took the verbal beating for FIL, but as I told her, she lets him get away with it and sits silently by as the victim. And who knows? A verbal beat down most likely is still in FIL's future.
Oddly enough, all was well after that. FIL even called a plumber. I wish I had been a fly on that wall for conversation with MIL and FIL about me losing my cool. Why else would he suddenly decide to call a plumber? Maybe I am over crediting myself, but who knows. SOMETHING knocked some sense into him, if only temporally.
There were no ugly clothes received this year. W and T only fought once. The boys LOVED Puppy almost to death. No, really, they were very good with her. FIL groused that he had NO say in Puppy coming with us, to which F said we would happily have stayed at a hotel. Disbelief all around that a hotel would allow a pet. F and I both lost our cool with the boys once over a slapping incident. We both slept like shit despite the new mattress, see link above.
And, I did NOT get sick!! How amazing is that??

2012, Stay in Your Own Decade Please

2012-01-04T10:35:00.001-05:00

So, I signed up to received these news letters from these people. Probably because they said if I did I'd have a chance to win something. They presented themselves as hip e-news for today's women.
But then I got this, and I'm thinking maybe not so much................

TURBAN HEADBANDS. WTF??? NO. Just, NO.

Hansel & Gretel Couldn’t Have Left a Better Trail

2011-12-20T10:18:00.000-05:00

I swear to all that is Holy there is a well-marked road mapand several sign posts with possible runway lights that lead straight to ourdishwasher and kitchen. It is miniature sized. Mouse sized. We have another one, or several, or however many. F andI were away on vacation for a week. Puppy was at the Dog Sitter’s house. When I entered the kitchen I noticed all the “spare”pieces of food Puppy had left on the floor surrounding her bowl were gone. Thenwithin minutes of Puppy making it in the house she was tail deep in a corner ofthe kitchen where we keep a bag of bags. I thought that was odd since she never goes inthat corner. I moved said bag aside andlow, there were droppings.

“Shit.”

Then as I grabbed the bread to make myself some toast, Inoticed a hole in the bread bag. “Isthat melted? From being by the toaster oven?…. even though it was nowhere nearthe toaster oven?” Then I noticed thechunk of bread missing.

“Fucking shit.”

Checking the counter top where said bread was kept I spiedmore dropping.

“Mother Fucking SHIT!!!!!!!!!”

I started opening all the drawers looking for more droppingsbecause that is where they have been the last few times. I saw none. I also sawnone in the dishwasher. Another favoritespot.

“This could be not so bad.”

“F! the mice are back! Please call an exterminator ASAP. Iam sick of dealing with this.”

F: “grumble, complain,makes excuses…..”

Next day

“Holy shit! The mice have made it into the half bathroom!Please call an exterminator!”

F: “grumble, complain,makes excuses…..”

Another Day Passes

Puppy and I are filling the dishwasher when I open the doorand there is a small grayish thing sitting there. I realize it is a mouse and slam the doorshut hoping to knock it unconscious with the door. Puppy is completely clueless even though halfof her breed is “standard size dachshund was bred to scent, chase, and flush out badgers and other burrow-dwelling animals”. Mice are burrow dwelling, aren’t they? Anyway, she did nothing. The mouse was dazed, but not completely outof it. I stared at it for several moments trying to decide if I should justreach into the dishwasher and grab it. I was afraid it would bite me. During myindecision period the mouse had made it to its goal, the vents or something inthe bottom of the dishwasher door. Itcrawled right up in there. Where it went from inside the dishwasher door I haveno idea.

“F! The mouse is in the dishwasher door!!!”

“I don’t know what to do about that, I have no idea how toget to it. Just run the dishwasher.”

So I did. Then Iwashed all the knives and emptied the drawers. Everything is now on the diningroom table and you have to walk there to get a knife, or spoon or fork.

F is picking up mouse traps today.

Spoon Me

2011-12-01T10:20:00.004-05:00

F and I have joined Weight Watchers. I am more points conscious than he is. He hasn’t logged a point since we’vestarted and he’s lost 4.6lbs. I have logged like crazy and have lost a mere2.4lbs. I know men lose faster thanwomen do, but seriously, twice as much? And without doing any of the work? Sonot fair. Anyway, we signed up for theE-Tools because it has an App feature. I think it sucks, but whatever. I was logging some cake and noticed the “cheatsheet” icon. So I clicked on it for the Mexican Fiesta! Who doesn’t love a goodMexican Fiesta? Exactly. I am readingthe tips they give; stay away from the chips, get veggies, skip themargarita(HA!), get the smaller size, etc. When I read one tip and said tomyself, REALLY? FUCKING REALLY?? WHO WOULD DO THAT???

“Speak up if you have special requests. Ask for salsa or pico de gallo instead of an oilysalad dressing or cheese sauce. Order your fajitas with only one tortilla soyou can save PointsPlus values and enjoy the restof the filling on its own. Find out if they can bring sour cream andguacamole out on teaspoons instead of in a bowl or cup. All these little changes together will save you a lot of fatand calories.”

On teaspoons.TEASPOONS. I can just imagine the reaction of the server. “Teaspoons? You wantteaspoons?”

“Yes, ofsour cream.”

“What?”

Ifsomeone has done this I would really like to know because that just blows mymind

“Excuse me!Yes, I’m ready for my next teaspoon of sour cream please!”

Howabout using just a knife’s worth of sour cream instead of slopping it on? Thatis a more reasonable to do tip, don’t you think?

What isthe craziest thing you have requested when ordering your food? Did you have a “WhenHarry Met Sally” moment?

Advise Me Please

2011-11-08T10:37:00.000-05:00

For the last several years I have been on the hunt for a newwinter coat. The coat I currently have, albeit extremely warm is over 10 yearsold. I bought it while still in college. I graduated from college in 1998.Needless to say, it is out of fashion.

Ahem.

Anyway, I thought it would be extremely easy to lay my handson a coat that I would love. I do after all live in the Midwest, home of thegreat white winters and freezing temps. I could not believe how sadly mistakenI was. This hunt has gone on for at least 3 years now. I came oh so close lastyear while “Back East” for Christmas, but they did not have it in my size. Bastards. However, it did lead me to knowthat I could find a coat in their store if I started looking early enough. The ninety degree heat of August wasapparently the right time.

I purchased about six coats, all of wool. I settled on this little number.

I really love it. I will wearit without the belt however because it just cuts me in the wrong spot. It iscurrently with ES because in order for the coat to close over my chest I had toorder a bigger size. So she is taking it in to give it more of a nice shape. The color is amazingly rich and the doublecollar really completes the look.

Where I am stuck at howeveris what color I should have for accessories. My last coat was tan suede so itreally doesn’t go with egg plant. Because the throat/upper chest area is so open, and I’ve been known to getbronchitis at the drop of a hat, I really need to have this area covered andwarm. So I need scarf. And of coursematching gloves. My neighbor and Ithought dark green, but then I decided that I didn’t want to actually look likethis:

So I’m on the hunt for colorsuggestions. Cream? I already have a lovely cream scarf from my mom to go withanother coat. But I don’t know if it would "pop" enough. I’d really like to stay away from black.Multicolored? I just don’t know! HELP ME my digital friends!!!

Check THESE Out!!

2011-10-27T10:39:00.001-04:00

Crazy Co-Worker has been on a shopping spree and likes to show and discuss with me her new outfits. I am more than happy to talk clothing with people. Hit me up anytime!
However, when you corner me in the bathroom and force me into this conversation, well, I'm not so inclined to chat with you.

"You know DH, these new clothes of mine are great. I even got new underwear."
"Really?"
"Yep. I like the silky ones, you know? And these new ones, you can wear instead of a slip because they are made out of slip material and don't show your panties lines. Have you heard of them?"
"No?"
"We I really like how they feel. And around the leg they have these ridges, to keep them down."
"Yes, made of rubber, right?"
"YES! Like see these leopard print ones *pulls down her waist band about 4 inches to expose said silky leopard print* Are real nice, feel them."
I of course hesitate. Feeling someone else's underwear while they are wearing it? Odd.

"Go, on."
I gingerly touch said leopard print silky underwear on CCW's exposed hip.

"Right?? Nice!!"

"Yes, very." (please don't let anyone walk in right now!)
"But you see when I wear them with regular stockings they fall down! So I spend all my time hitchin and yankin them back up."

I giggle as she makes the motions in the bathroom mirror of hitchin and yankin up her nylons. I mean really, how could I not relate to that?

"But when I wear these kind of stockings, *exposes her leg to show me tights* They work perfectly!"

"That makes sense." I say as we both head towards the door. "Just know CCW, that I won't being feeling any new bras you may have gotten."

"*LOL* oh DH, you're the ONLY one I've told about my panties!"

Lucky me.

Now is Not the Time

2011-10-26T09:01:00.003-04:00

The "Buyer" of my house has requested that he be listed as an "LLC" or a "Limited Liability Company" on the sale even though that is not how he presented himself on the paperwork and that is not who I agreed to sell to. The Mortgage company will not allow it.
Please Lord, let him back down on this point. We really need to be done with this house.
Say some prayers for me my digital friends.
*****The Mortgage Company/Bank has refused to sell the property to an LLC.*****
The Buyer is backing out.
We are fucked.
Thanks again Mortgage Company.

Baby Bump Frump

2011-10-25T10:14:00.004-04:00

Hark back my dear digital readers to a time when Mrs. Noseywas the main thorn in my side. Thispost, little did I know at the time, would be the first time you’d meetMrs. Mannerless full on. Mrs. Mannerlesswas one of Mrs. Nosey’s victims in this post. Mrs.Mannerless is the complete opposite from Mrs. Manners, let me tell you. When Mrs. Mannerless started about a year agoshe was one of the replacements for Crocs lady and Ms Snippy.At first we rejoiced that Crocs lady and Ms Snippy were gone! YAY!!! HAPPY DAYSARE HERE AGAIN!!! No more rudeness!!! No more complaining about stupid shit!Finally, the little things we do for others would be appreciated.

Um, yeah, NO. The first time I had any interaction with Mrs.Mannerless, was shortly after she started. You would think that this would be the time to impress people right?First impressions and all? I should have known then. SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. I wasexpressing my displeasure to Mrs. Mannerless about a co-worker who haddifferent standards for their own work related time lines than what they hadfor other people’s work related time lines. Mrs. Mannerless proceeds to tell me that at her OLD job people wouldalways make excuses for why their work wasn’t done. At this point in theconversation we were in complete agreement. She then continues to tell me howannoyed she would get that people complained about her and her lack of friendliness.

“They didn’t like me much over there. They complained that I wasn’t nice enough toother people. I guess they wanted me to say ‘Hi how was your weekend? Can Ihave that report today?’ Instead of just telling them, 'I need the report!' I don’t come to work to make friends; I cometo work to WORK!!”

My mouth fell open, I can tell you that. I have very littleinteraction with Mrs. Mannerless, but I can tell you, she thinks she is neverwrong, even though clearly she is. I had to turn a situation over to our Bossbecause Mrs. Mannerless refused, FLAT OUT REFUSED that the mistake was on herend. “I don’t know what to tell you, my stuff isn’t wrong.” I don’t think I need to say, that, um, yeah,it was.

Anyway, Mrs. Mannerless and the other pregnant lady wereboth having issues with their pregnancies, and were due within days of eachother. So we needed to have their baby showers ASAP. And because they were soclose with their due dates, we decided it would be best to have a joint babyshower. We consulted both parties as to when would be a good time to throw thislittle shin-dig and the first lady responded with a short little e-mail givingus the dates available. Mrs. Mannerless gave us a detailed listing of whycertain days would not work, or might work, but really she just wasn’t suresince she was SO BUSY and could deliver at any moment! And oh, BTW, don’t buy me any 0-9 monthclothing, because I received PLENTLY of those from my OTHER SHOWER. And wouldreally like to have stuff from my Babies-R-Us*registry.

Well, Yes. Why thank you for being completely thorough.

We took time to go buy decorations for the shower, ordered acake, bought food, even had games, the whole 9. I missed the actual showerbecause I had to leave to get insurance for my house. Different story, I might tell you about it.Anyway, Mrs. Mannerless continued with her shower related shenagains by complaining that her name was on the cakein PINK, and didn’t we know she was having a BOY? We were unaware what theother lady was having so we had the cake done in pink and blue. How were we toknow that by not specifying the COLOR of the FROSTING on a CAKE, we would beoffending someone? We collected moneyfor both ladies to purchase gift cards so that they may buy what theywanted/needed from their registry at Babies-R-Us*.I’m sure you will be completely shocked by the fact that Mrs. Mannerlessgarnered less monetarily than did the other lady. Mrs. Mannerless felt that we tookthe easy way out by getting said gift cards. She announced this feeling infront of 2 of her bosses and the other pregnant lady. During the party. Our BigBoss got up and left she was so disgusted by it. Needless to say those of uswho planned said shower were greatly incensed upon hearing these complaints. Ithreatened to go take the lame gift card back from her and tell her that shegets nothing! How about nothing you ungrateful bitch!?!?!

So imagine, if you will our out and out rage and disgust uponfurther learning that Mrs. Mannerless was quite unhappy with having to shareher baby shower with someone else. Anoffice mate with whom she openly discussed her pregnancy issues for ninemonths. And daycare needs. And god only knows what else.

I shared my office bridal shower with 2 other brides and 2pregnant ladies. This is how it works in the office setting. We come here to WORK after all, notsocialize.

Ahem.

I hear HR is going to inform Mrs. Mannerless that is inappropriateto be an ungrateful, unsociable, unfriendly bitch.

Damn that she is already on maternity leave.

Change Day

2011-10-18T11:48:00.000-04:00

So this is what happens in the Midwest when you go from 70 degrees and sunny one day to 55 cold, windy, rainy and the heat is out in the office.

Yes, those yellow things are baby chicks
And not that you care, but the heels are by Aerosoles, my most favorite brand in all the world.

SOCKS, with DRESS SHOES because the weather changed over night and I haven't had time to change my Wardrobe from "Summer" to "Winter". Also know as changing from "Open Toe" to "Closed Toe". Basically, I haven't washed my knee highs, or as the store calls them so you don't feel like your Grandma, "Trousers Socks" yet. Guess I'll have to dig them out of storage. Fun fun.

Some how I don't see my style making Big Mama's Fashion Friday edition any time soon.

Sell Already, PLEASE

2011-10-18T10:01:00.000-04:00

I’ve told you about the Short Sale. It is currently in a holding pattern becausethe Buyer sent back his “I swear I’m not going to flip this house” affidavitback without it being notarized. Seriously, F and I don’t understand how the Mortgage company can makesuch demands of him, but whatevs, if he is willing to sign it, it is up to him eithernot do it, or do it and not get caught; and it is up to the Mortgage company toenforce it. Right? F and I are completely out of that part of the equation.FINE BY ME. Our Attorney also keepsasking for the Buyer’s proof of funds, but I swear to you, it was sent. And Iforwarded it to him AGAIN the other day. He even told me back when he first gotit that he used it as an example in another short sale for the buyer there. Ireally don’t need the added stress that is swirling around right now.

If THAT isn’t enough, said VACANT house seems to be livingit up while I’m not there. Lights blazing, washer/dryer/dishwasher/fridge allpartying it up because last month the electric bill was $190.00. ONE HUNDREDNINETY DOLLARS. For an empty house. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?? That is $50 dollarsMORE than what F and I are paying at a house we are living in, full time. Withlights and cell phone charges and TVs and tons of other stuff running prettymuch nonstop. Look at the usage. “My”house: 1128 KWH. “Our” house? 741 KWH. With two people living in it. And a dogwho listens to classical music while her owners are gone so she has lessseparation anxiety. And 2 tvs, and a fridge and microwave and well, you get theidea.

I just got off the phone with the Electric Company. They are adjusting the bill, AGAIN. It waswrong last month too. I think $88 bucksis a much more reasonable amount, don’t you? Let us hope we don’t have to gothrough this again next month, because seriously, I will go cut those linesmyself.

Now I get to call the Gas Company.

Where’s the assistant who handles all this stuff?

Oh right, I’m not rich, so I have to do it myself.

Damn it.

OMG, Will it Make That Much Difference?

2011-10-07T13:30:00.000-04:00

Sooooooooo, the Mortgage Company has received our paperwork concerning the Short Sale. Remember the Buyer agreed to up his price to $32,500? The Mortgage Company wants us to "counter with $35,000", because that extra $2,500 is going to make such a huge difference. Seriously, I don't get it. If they Fuck up this sale for $2,500 I am going to be extremely pissed and in need of very heavy amounts of medication.
What a crock of shit this whole process is. I had to fill out and sign an affidavit that I am in financial trouble and I also have to fill out AGAIN my income stats AND supply bank records. Even though we filled all that crap out and supplied it to the attorney like 6 months ago. I'm pretty sure he turned that all in with our original paperwork.
I should have gone for a liquid lunch.

I Hope I Didn't Just Jinx Myself With This Post

2011-09-30T10:23:00.002-04:00

Remember when I told you our Tenant moved out and we decided to put the house up for sale? Well, wedid that. I’m crossing my fingers rightnow and spitting as I turn three times in a circle because we are currently: “SalePending”. We listed the house at the beginning of June at $59,900. We dropped it $10 grand each month-ish. The offer came in when the price was listedat $39,900. The offer was $30,000. Iasked if the “buyer” was willing to go higher, and it came back at $32,500. So there you have it people, I paid $130,000five years ago (right before the market started to tumble) and I am selling foralmost $100,000 less than what I paid for it. Thank you Mortgage companies whomade hinky deals for years, thank you so much for crashing the housing marketand screwing me twice.

Ahem. Now that the purchase agreement has been finalized itis up to our Lawyer to convince the Mortgage company to “forgive thedebt” so I don’t have to pay taxes on the difference between what I owe,$108,000ish and what I am selling it for, see above, I can’t bring myself totype it again. Thankfully the Buyerknows that the sale is dependent on the Mortgage Company agreeing to the saleprice, so we shouldn’t lose the salebecause of a long process with the Mortgage Company. To be honest with you, I would be willing pay the “income taxes”on the difference just as long as we get rid of the house. We need to be done with my little house. This needs to be completed by the end of2012. I know that some Mortgage companies drag their feet for up to six months. Please Lord no. So please keep your digital fingers crossedfor us that this is a quick and painless process. Pray that the Mortgage Company has come to itssenses and now understands that they don’t want to lose the sale. Foreclosurereally isn’t an option for me because it kills my credit score for about10years. So, yeah, come on Mortgage Company!!!!

On top of all this the Insurance Company has decided NOT torenew the policy on the house because it is no longer occupied as per the policy.So yeah, I need to get my ass in gear and find an insurance company that iswilling to insure a vacant property for less than an arm and a leg by October12. This is very distressing for me inways I cannot even explain because if the house burns down without insurancecoverage we are completely screwed in so many ways. But I fear that because there are so manyvacant properties out there the Insurance companies have wised up and are nolonger in the business of insuring them. Unless of course you are willing tobecome their slave. I am not willing to be a slave. However I do see that inthe long run a short period as a slave may be well worth it in order to get thehouse sold.

Oh, did I mention that F’s vehicle is now leakinganti-freeze? Yep. No A/C, a window thatwon’t go up, and leaking anti-freeze. I know, it could be worse, even though wedid just shell out $1,700 bucks this spring to have the head gaskets replaced.We need to drive this car until it dies. But it seems to be dying much fasterthan we anticipated.

Also? We think Puppy is developing Separation Anxiety. Eversince the “Cone of Shame” she barks, whines, cries and BARKS every morning whenI leave. I cannot tell you how much this breaks my heart. She has eaten her crate beds, ($35 EACH) and aregular pillow that she was allowed to lay on. She has bent the bars on her crate, and has managed moved the crateacross the floor by several feet. She has chewed on her little water dish thatis attached to the side of her crate. She has peed on her crate bed.

F and I are beside ourselves with worry. We are hoping thatonce she realizes that the cone of shame is gone she will revert back tonormal. I of course fear the worst. Thatwe have mentally messed up our little Puppy and we will have to medicate hereach day so she doesn’t end up hurting herself. Again, please Lord; No.

It is times like these when the title of this entire blog is infull force, garish neon lighting truth.

Keep Your Grubby Hands Off My FOOD UPDATED AGAIN

2011-09-21T11:24:00.006-04:00

I just went into the kitchen at work to check on the state of my salad fixings. I bought a container of salad, and brought in smaller containers of the toppings to keep in the fridge for a week's worth of lunches. Imagine my boiling rage when I discover that someone has INTIMATELY TOUCHED my food containers. The container which held my lettuce was OPEN and two of my toppings containers where placed INSIDE on TOP of the lettuce. The lettuce underneath it was wilted and disgusting. I am so FLIPPING PISSED OFF right now I cannot even tell you. I understand MOVING things around to make more room for other stuff. I have NO PROBLEM with that. But OPENING, OPENING someone's container of food? WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??? And it is not as if the shelves in a COMMUNITY FRIDGE are exactly CLEAN. So whatever nastiness was on the BOTTOM of my two containers from sitting on the shelf was transferred to MY FOOD. MY FOOD. My LABELED food. Hence how the culprit knew the items went together.
I posted a note on the fridge. Sans the swearing. I'm awaiting the lunch time back lash.
Where are people's manners? Who does shit like this? WHO?!?!?!

**UPDATE**
The Culprit wrote me a note back, but then removed it. A co-worker told me what it said since I only noticed that it was missing AND that there was blue Sharpie marks where it had been hanging.

"It was already open and wilted."

Well of COURSE then! That it an open invitation to do with it what you will! TOUCH AWAY!!!! No need to be HELPFUL and maybe close the container! Heck NO! Add more stuff to it! Rearrange away!!!
BE MY GUEST. Contaminate my food with fridge shelf dirt. It'll put hair on my chest. Just where I need it.

SERIOUSLY Person? SERIOUSLY? I am assuming you saw the error of your ways and hence removed the note after you wrote on it. I can only but hope that is the case and you didn't just chicken out and remove the note for fear of being found out.
Be aware however, I will be checking trash cans tonight after work, because I have a fair good idea who you are, Mrs. Nosey.

**** I was unable to locate the note. I still have no concrete evidence that Mrs Nosey is behind it. But I still harbor my suspicions.******

She Survived, But the House Did Not

2011-09-21T10:52:00.001-04:00

Remember how upset I was about leaving Puppy alone in her with the "Cone of Shame"? So we left her "blocked" in the dining room? Um, yeah. We are considering renaming her Houdini because she escaped, TWICE.

Before you lays the evidence of her destruction.

The cell phone charger

Those are her teeth marks, it chargers no more

The weather panel on our tab top curtains, torn down all but 3 inches

One of those "cloth" shopping bags torn in HALF

The strap to my purse

The paper shredder

All of the above was done the SECOND time she escaped. When she managed to remove her cone as well. A few days later I discovered that she had eaten the strap to my very expensive sandals, a shoe box, and the heel strap on F's new sandals.

The first time she got out she ripped through the plastic weather seal on the front window and torn down the sheers I had hanging there. Luckily they were hung on tension rods so all I had to do was wash and rehang.

We decided we couldn't afford her getting out again, so we put her back in her cage. Where she whined, cried, BARKED, yelped and went all out doggie guilt warfare. Our neighbor said she kept it up all day. Complete and total heartbreak. She has managed to body slam, I assume, her cage at least 3 feet across the floor, tip over and knock off the water cup that screws onto the side of her cage, remove the tray that goes into the bottom of the cage, gack on the wall, and sadly, peed her bed, twice now. Clearly Puppy is not happy being locked up with the Cone of Shame on. We are becoming quite concerned that she is developing and adverse to the cage. In the next few days she will have her staples removed and hopefully all will go back to normal.
I can't afford to lose any more shoes to the Teeth of Fury.

Don't be fooled, she's more dangerous than she looks.

She Survived

2011-09-12T10:32:00.000-04:00

Puppy survived her overnight stay at the Vet. She was such a huge hit that when we turned to leave with her all the vet techs came out to say goodbye. "OH! Is Puppy leaving?!?!?!" "Oh Puppy is soooo cute!!" "Puppy is so PRECIOUS!!" When we inquired as to their boarding policy one tech begged us to let her take Puppy home with her to watch!! "Here's my number. I'd LOVE to take Puppy home with me!!! She's so cute!!"

However, Puppy was outfitted with "The Cone of Shame" because she can not leave her incision alone. She shook and quaked this morning as we were getting ready to leave. She looked so sad and forlorn in her cage with The Cone of Shame on. It ended up with us blocking off the entire dining room because she was unable to enter her cage or get to her water with "The Cone of Shame" on.

I'm Such A Wuss

2011-09-09T10:49:00.001-04:00

At the end of July F and I "rescued" Puppy. She and her siblings were left at a Kennel and when no one was available over the "long fourth weekend" they were scheduled to be put down.

How could you look into that little face and kill it?

One of the local shelters was alerted to this and swooped in and saved them! YAY!!!!! When I put into this shelter to adopt it was to adopt one of Puppy's brothers. I was informed that Puppy's brother had just been adopted but the Other Brother was still available. I wasn't really interested in Other Brother, but felt obligated to meet him. When their Foster Mom got out of her van, she had 2 puppies with her. Puppy's first adoption had fallen through. F and I immediately fell in love with her and cast her brother back out into the adoption pool. Don't think me heartless, Foster Mom told me on the phone before the meeting that there was EXTREMELY HIGH interest in all the siblings and that I needed to jump on this ASAP. Anyway, $400 bucks later, Puppy was ours! We took her with us to buy another $200 worth of pet supplies, (holy crap) and she has been an extremely bright light in our lives ever since. We adopted her on a Saturday. When Monday rolled around and I was tasked with putting her in her cage and leaving for work, I almost didn't make it. She started to cry. Oh how she CRIED. I started to cry. I felt like such a horrible person, leaving her all alone for EIGHT WHOLE HOURS locked in a cage! I walked out the door and could hear the heartbreaking howl as I turned to lock it. I could hear the crying fear of loneliness as I staggered to the car. My eye liner began to run. I begged her to stop crying. She did not heed my plea. I made the mistake of rolling down my window as I pulled out of the driveway. I could still hear her. My heart broke. I called F and cried to him over the phone. She will die of loneliness! She will hate me when I return! I am heartless! I cannot do this everyday, I will not survive! I whimpered throughout the day to anyone who would listen. How do you did it? I questioned of those with children. How do you leave them when they cry? I am so weak!

F called me when he arrived home. She was ALIVE! And better yet, she had eaten some food! (she hadn't eaten in 2.5 days and we were beyond worried.) When I arrived home a few hours later, she greeted me with joy! My heart healed in an instant. As the days progressed it became less heart wrenching to leave her.

She started to relax and become part of the family.

She loves her "bed"

This past morning I dropped her off for an overnight stay with the Vet. She is getting "fixed". I am yet again worried that she will hate me when we get her back. I am worried that we may not get her back. I am worried about her being in a strange place overnight with no one to hear her when she cries at 3 AM to be let out and then escape, to bolt into our room to sleep the rest of the morning on her pillow by the bed.

I can't say I'll miss the 3 am potty break, but I will miss her.

Yes, I know it is only overnight. This is why I'm a wuss.

I Know I haven't Written Lately......

2011-09-07T11:34:00.004-04:00

But we got one of these at the end of July and to say the least, our lives are a little bit more busy because of it.

Meet Puppy. She is our new LOVE.

I of course have an update about the insurance thing that was a bit of a cluster, not just for me, but for others as well. I just need to find time to write it up.

Barbie & Ken

2011-07-25T10:19:00.001-04:00

F and I are looking for a puppy. This in and of it's self is an interesting undertaking because where as I grew up with dogs, F only had one cat; to which he is still deeply attached despite the fact that it has been dead for almost 20 years. Because of this attachment and only experience in the pet owning world he thinks cats are Da'Bomb and is completely ignorant about dogs.
I am not exaggerating about this even one little iota. While at an adoption event this weekend we were admiring a litter of 3 puppies 3 families had just adopted; F looks at the adorable pups and then turns to me and quite seriously inquires, "How do you know if it is a boy or a girl?"
"You know, a boy has a 'wee'." I inform him quietly out of the side of my mouth.
"A 'wee' ?" F looks at me confused.

Mind you this is a term we have used in the past to identify certain body parts.

"Yes, a wee. You know, the 'boy' part." If you are thinking that at this point I should have just said, PENIS I would have, were we not in the company of small children who yes, probably knew the proper word but I just felt odd saying it out loud in a public place of mixed company.

"Oh............WHERE?"

Check the box, Wait; No, Sign Here; Wait, No, Initial Here that You Checked The Box

2011-07-14T10:46:00.001-04:00

The place I work is a smaller part of a larger company, separate; but equal. So we piggyback onto their insurance for greater bargaining power. In an effort to cut health insurance costs, they are checking to make sure the people who are using their insurance really deserve to be using their insurance. Completely understandable. I am one of those people, so I received the paperwork to fill out concerning F’s eligibility. There are several choices of documentation you can supply in order to verify that you are married or living together (i.e. living in sin) (totally did that.). The very first choice given is a copy of your Federal Tax Return. How much easier do you want it? Tax season just ended a few months ago, so this paper work should be extremely easy to locate, right? Right.

You can also supply a combination of various other documents. Like your marriage license and a mortgage statement with both your names on it. Or your marriage license and some bill with both your names on it. These last few choices would not work for us because both our names are not on any bills (who does this?) and we each have our own mortgage (my house, his “our” house). So you can see why I opted for the ease of the tax return. Of course this is proving to be a bit trickier because we filed electronically and they want the electronic tax filing number thingie which I am having trouble locating, but that isn’t the reason I’m writing this. I got the paperwork the last week of June with a deadline of August 13th. An entire MONTH to hunt up and mail your tax return. Simple, right? Apparently for the highly educated people in the company this is proving to be too stressful and too tight of a time constraint. Something I gathered from the e-mail the H.R. department just sent out.

Seriously people, an entire month isn’t enough time??? Unbelievable.

Dear [Employees],

We have received numerous concerns and questions regarding the time-line of the dependent eligibility verification project, listening and understanding your concerns we have made the decision to extend the deadline to submit documents until Friday, September 15, 2011. Your documents must be postmarked or received by [Random Consultant Firm] by Friday September 15, 2011.

As discussed in our earlier announcement, this verification is a part of our ongoing effort to control health care costs by ensuring that only eligible dependents are covered under our medical plans. [Random Consultant Firm], an independent firm, has been authorized to obtain your documentation.

By now, you should have received your initial packet containing detailed instructions. Also, we have been notified of long wait times when calling the Customer Service Call Center. [Random Consultant Firm] has acknowledged and is in the process of rectifying this problem. Please continue to communicate any problems that you are experiencing with the Customer Service Call Center to the [Employer] Benefits Office.

In addition, we have received concerns regarding the submission of your personal information to [Random Consultant Firm] please know that protecting your personal information is of grave importance to [Employer] and [Random Consultant Firm]. [Random Consultant Firm] has assured us that all documents provided during the dependent eligibility verification will be securely stored and protected through physical, electronic and procedural safeguards. In an effort to communicate the confidentiality safeguards that [Random Consultant Firm] has in place they have provided us with a frequently asked security questions document, which is posted on the benefits website, please click on the following click to access the document http://www.[redacted]/Forms/dependenteligibilityverificationfaqs.pdf

We understand the time and effort that it takes to locate the appropriate documentation (your just filed tax return) and we appreciate your cooperation with this verification project. Should you any questions regarding this process, please contact the Customer Service Call Center at (redacted) redacted.

Again, your documentation has to be postmarked or received by [Random Consultant Firm] by the extended due date of Friday, September 15, 2011.

Sincerely,

Director of Benefit Programs

So now, TWO and HALF months to send this stuff in. I do have to say, I called the company about locating the e-file tax number and if it would be ok to send in the confirmation e-mails I got, THREE days ago and no one has gotten back to me. EVEN THOUGH their message says that if you leave a voice mail they will return your call by the end of business the next day. Again, that was THREE days ago. So this company? SUCKS. I am at the point now where I am going to send it in with a note saying, um, yeah, I called you guys for answers and no one called me back, so here ya go. DEAL.

I may be writing you later this fall to tell you F is no longer covered under my insurance, but at least I’ll feel like I made a point. Maybe.

***They just called me. Fricking ridiculous!!! I have to fill in his SS# even though, EVEN THOUGH it is on the Tax form, which she then tells me the first 5 digits should be blacked out. Um, then I need to supply it to you again anyway?
"Yes, so we know the information came from you."
I, what??? I did the taxes so that information came from me. Seriously, who puts these things into practice??? It makes no sense.*****

Um, That Doesn't Go There

2011-07-07T10:34:00.015-04:00

When F bought the house that we now call "ours", we were still just dating. Therefore, when he requested that the green and pink paisley couch come with the house, I didn't object all too much. What did I care? I had my house with it's own furniture. Then we got engaged and I moved in. It was shortly there after that I purchased the first "our house" item; a cover for said green and pink paisley couch. With the cover the couch wasn't all that bad. But it had seen many a tushy and needed to be replaced. Thus began my campaign for leather recliners. F fought on this stating the couch was still fine. But then he sat in it for more than 30 minutes and SUDDENLY the need for recliners was a grand idea. This only took me a year to accomplish.
Next came the part of trying to both agree on a pair of recliners we liked. I kid you not when I tell you this process took 6 months. Finally, Costco came to my rescue. We bought the recliners featured in their Connection Magazine, and the green and pink paisley couch made it's way to the Salvation Army. This brought us back full circle to the question of where to place the desk top computer I'd finally gotten from work(after a 5 year wait, another story). I have always wanted to place it in the "dining room" (really the 3rd bedroom in our house) which has a dead space corner, but F has always wavered between there and the other corner in the family room. Now with the couch gone, he feels there is enough room to place the computer in family room. Now starts our next debate.
One in which F made his argument against the dining room by saying, "But, I've always wanted that room to be a dining room with a daybed!"

*Mystified pause* "What???? Uh, you CAN NOT put a daybed in the dining room!!!"

*Blank stare* "I just don't have the mental power to have this conversation."

"Obviously."

A bed, in the dining room. A BED in the DINING ROOM. A room which is maybe 8x8 containing a table that seats 10. The dead space corner could not handle an entire daybed.
A BED. I just, how? The mental picture in my head. We have a spare room, with a queen sized bed and an extra queen mattress in the basement, plus a pull out queen sized couch in the living room. We do not need another bed. Let alone a BED in the DINING ROOM.
As for another "couch", we have 3, who needs another couch/daybed???
Really, where does he get these ideas??

Come With Me, My Digital Friends, On A Short Sale Journey

2011-06-25T10:31:00.001-04:00

We listed the house. We hired an attorney. After dropping off my "short sale packet" and laying down the $1,750.00 in retainer fee (this shows up as still pending on the website so now I think maybe we don't have a lawyer?), I get back to my office and read this extremely cheery article about how things are looking up! NOT. I then topped off that wonderful news with an entire sunny weekend spent inside cleaning said house. Note to future and or current Landlords, DO NOT ALLOW PETS. I don't even want to relive the cleaning of black dog hair for your understanding. I really don't. But just let me say, I almost gagged the one millionth time I got one in my mouth. Behind the stove we found onion peels, dog hair, the dog's ball, and MASSIVE AMOUNTS of GREASE. Now normally, I can't say that I clean behind my own stove and fridge like EVER, but I certainly will start now. I don't think in the 3 years Tenant lived there that the curtains were ever washed. Now this is something I do DO. I desperately need to dry clean several sets but F would have a massive coronary at the price. Over the two days I had to keep reminding myself that it could have been oh so much worse, so very very much. But I think since it was never intended to be an income property, I have different feelings about how it should have been respected. I was LETTING Tenant live in my home, and it should have been respected as such. I know, that is expecting too much. But that is how I felt. I also had to keep reminding myself that I don't wash my walls on a regular basis and therefore I need to stop bitching about how dirty they were. Light colored walls really show the dirt. My mom, the amazing trooper that she is, used Comet on the entry way walls. Yes, Comet. Dirt is not the new black. But now the house is all sparkly clean. And I feel better about it looking nice to sell. We even had a showing that very weekend, but still have not heard back about. It does make me a tad concerned. How long could this drag on? Our realtor told us that with one house they just closed on, they started back in October, of 2010. Seriously? The bank/mortgage company dragged it's feet for SIX months. That is insane. So here we sit, waiting. Will it sell? And if it DOES sell, will the bank/mortgage company "forgive" the remainder? I owe $107K, the houses in the surrounding area have gone for anywhere between $25K to $40K. How is that even right? I don't even want to do the math. The short sale will show up on my credit report, for at least 3 years and will lop off a good 120 points, if not more. If the bank/mortgage company does not "forgive" the difference between what is owed and what the house sold for, I could end up paying taxes on the "income". Even though it never actually will come in to me. It will go directly to the bank. Again, how does that work? I just don't get it. Then to top it all off? Tenant stiffed us with $510 water bill. Well now, isn't that special? It completely explains why almost a month after moving out Tenant has not contacted us about getting back the security deposit. Half of which will now go towards paying said water bill and the late fees/penalties. SES told me that even though the Lease states if Tenant does not contact us within 4 days to tells us where to send said security deposit they are SOL, I STILL have to make some attempt just in case Tenant decides to get all legal and demand the remainder. Which I don't believe will happen, but I still need to CYA. Again, how does that work? You stiff me and yet I still need to let you know that you can have your money back? WTF?
So keep your fingers crossed my digital friends, that the house sells at the highest price possible and that the mortgage company/bank forgives it, and does so in a timely manner so that F and I can move on with our lives. Bad credit and all.
Or as I like to refer to it, SCREWING ME TWICE over the same house. Because really, it only makes complete sense that after you fuck up the housing market you still get to makes the rules about how to unfuck it up.
Totally logical.

Mrs. Nosey, Meet Karma; She's A Bitch

2011-06-16T10:26:00.001-04:00

Mrs. Nosey got called out on her lack of work ethic (says the woman who blogs while at work, ahem.).
Anyway, for years now people have been complaining of Mrs. Nosey work habits. Excessive personal phone calls, excessive Internet time, excessive long lunches, excessive unmet deadlines, excessive mistakes and excessive gossiping. Ok, so I added that last one in there. It may have been touched on, I don't know. It SHOULD have been, I know THAT for sure.

If you are unfamiliar with Mrs. Nosey's past transgressions, please read this, this, this and this.

Apparently while our Boss was gone for a few days Mrs Nosey took it upon herself to up and disappear for a few hours. No one knew where she was. She ostensibly denied all of the above. To our Boss. And THEN she confronted one of her cube mates as the tattler. True enough, she had tattled, but she denied it as well. Not completely though, stating that is USED to bother her, but no longer did. LIE. Mrs. Nosey told said cube mate that what she did was none of her business and that she was going to go tell our Boss every time cube mate gets and sends text messages. 3 grade called, they want their playground fights back. Mrs. Nosey assumed, incorrectly that her other cube mate was completely blameless. She too had complained. I do not know if she fessed up or not.
Mrs. Nosey's co-job mate(who is the true #1 tattler, but as yet remains un-accused) informed me that Mrs. Nosey blames ME for tattling about her phone usage. I sit 2.5 inches worth of felt cube wall away from Mrs. Nosey, and hence indeed do hear many of her excessive phone calls. However, I had no idea any of this was even going on until I complained about the other accused cube mate's excessive outbursts over news headlines. So when my Boss mentioned Mrs. Nosey's phone usage I concurred that it was indeed excessive.

OH! I just remember another story about Mrs Nosey from awhile ago. Her co-job mate from above is in some manner her supervisor. We'll call her Ma'am, she is the oldest woman in our office. Anyway, Ma'am has been going through some family related issues. Ma'am confided (oxymoron) to Mrs. Nosey about these issues, and made her promise to not tell anyone in the office. Mrs. Nosey turned around the very next day and told Crazy Co-Worker. CCW in turn quietly approached Ma'am to find out if it was factual. Ma'am confirmed that is was and queried as to where CCW got her intel. CCW of course said Mrs. Nosey told her.
Are you ready for this?
Hold onto your hats.
Seriously, you are not going to believe this.
When Ma'am confronted Mrs. Nosey face to face, Mrs. Nosey FLAT OUT DENIED it. CCW overheard the whole thing because SHE sits 2.5 inches of felt cube wall away from Ma'am.
Ma'am relayed the whole thing to me of her own free will. She will no longer confide in Mrs. Nosey.
CCW was steamed when she overheard Mrs. Nosey's denial. Which could of course paint CCW as a liar.

Mrs. Nosey called off work today. I can't imagine why.

Our next staff meeting is going to be a delight.

I cannot wait.

F Gets Pissed In His Sleep

2011-06-14T11:40:00.002-04:00

"God Damn it Woman! Shut the FUCK up Already!!!!!!"

He can't remember if it was directed at me or not, "But it probably was."

Really Pushing the Line

2011-06-09T13:32:00.000-04:00

Spirit Airlines. They keep pushing it with their nasty and inappropriate ads. Seriously, I would block them if they didn't have such great deals. I do have a sense of humour, don't get me wrong, but they need to know when too much is just too much. And I am just totally done hearing about this.

Red Means Go is much better at expressing the disappointment though.

I wish I had thought faster when I took their "survey" this morning, which was so totally slanted about paying more for checking in at the airport, it was totally worthless. Ah well.

Time Line Spiral

2011-06-06T09:35:00.003-04:00

Easter Weekend

F leaves to go Back East to visit the Outlaws for Easter. I am left home alone to fend for myself. Our very expensive Anderson Screen door has been trouble since day one. The door closer hydraulic thingie comes unscrewed and the door commences to slamming shut. I find the screws and reattach it, fixing the issue. It took me maybe 15 minutes.

- - - - A WEEK LATER- - - - -

The door closer hydraulic thingie comes unscrewed AGAIN. F swears and curses the name of Very Expensive Anderson Screen Door Company. I inform him of my fixing it while he was gone. He blinks at me. The door closer hydraulic thingie remains hanging from the door for at least a week. I ask when he’s going to fix when it stabs me in the foot. He removes it and places the door closer hydraulic thingie on the couch where it remains for a few weeks. I complain of the placement and he moves it to the kitchen shelving unit. More days, weeks pass and I am cleaning and tell F that he needs to fix the door closer hydraulic thingie. He blinks at me. I sigh heavily.
“Do you know where the mount for it is? I can’t find it.” I blink at him confused while my brain processes his question. I turn in a semi-circle looking for it because I KNEW I had seen it somewhere. And then my eyes fall upon it, attached to the door. “It’s still attached to the door.” F blinks at me. “It is?” (we use this door EVERYDAY to exit and enter our home)

“Yes.”

- - - MORE TIME PASSES - - -

Memorial Day

I suit up and attempt to mow the lawn. The mower won’t start. Deciding it was already hot and way too humid anyway, I would skip the mowing and call Mom to come over and hangout for the day. Mom arrives on the scene and informs me that the spark plug on said mower just needs to be changed. I agree, but go with the notion that fixing that is F’s job and we sit down and commence gossiping. A few hours later F arrives home. I inform him of the situation and Mom once again pipes up and tells him he needs to change the spark plug. He fiddles with it, and then puts it away for another day. He calls buddy to ask him if his brother in law still fixes mowers.

Now mind you, it has been RAINING pretty much NON STOP here in the Midwest for the past month. The grass is crazy thick and desperately needs to be mowed. We look like the white trash neighbors because you know, we WORK during the day and so when it would rain EVERY FREAKING night as I started to come home, I was unable to mow like my neighbors did during the day in the non-rain window. So the mowing needs to get done ASAP before the rain comes again.

May 31st

I tell F he needs either get our mower fixed or ask a neighbor to borrow theirs. He blinks at me.

The evening of June 2nd I arrive home late. F GLEEFULLY informs me that he FIXED the mower!!!!!

“Really? That is great.”

“Yes, I rode my bike up to the mower place (where I told him to take it to get serviced in MARCH to get ready for the mowing season.Obvs, he didn't.) and bought a spark plug. And then I used some tools ( he named the sizes of wrenches and what-not) and popped the old one out, put in the new and it fired right up!!!!”

The PRIDE in his voice, like he had replaced his own kidney with a plastic spork or something.

“The spark plug eh?”

“Yep.”

“The spark plug mom and I both told you was the issue?”

“I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF. It had nothing to do with you.”

“Riiiiiiiight.”

An Hour Later…………

“Did you notice what ELSE I fixed??” F asks excitedly.

“You mean the screen door?”

“YES YES!! I had to put new bolts in it because the crap screws were stripped. So you better not break it again.”

*Eyebrow raise from me* “Emmm. And here I was getting used to closing it by hand.”

“Whatever.”

The point of this post? My husband takes FOREVER to fix things that are simple to fix, that I have either fixed before or have told him how to fix and then he EXPECTS extremely high praise for something that really is not that big of a deal. Is my husband the only one who does this? Is he the only one who wants praise for doing something he is supposed to do anyway? I mean, you know, I NEVER rush home and tell him, “F! F! I PAID THE BILLS!!! How AWESOME am I?!!?!?!? Right!? RIGHT!?”

Right.

F Sleep Speaks

2011-06-03T11:33:00.001-04:00

"'Cause I'm gonna get SWEATY, you ASSHOLES."

Look Into My Not So Crystal Clear Ball........

2011-06-02T10:16:00.001-04:00

F's parents called. Apparently when F went to visit them over Easter weekend; the night F left to come home, FIL had an earth shattering prophetic dream. F was actually misty eyed when he got off the phone.

But here is my question, If it was so earth shattering and prophetic, why did it take an ENTIRE month for FIL to pass it along?

Mrs Nosey; It Never Ends

2011-05-23T09:50:00.005-04:00

A new story concerning Mrs. Nosey. We have a small building, but we still require a Building Manager. Our Building Manager is currently out for several months because of some SUPER SECRET Surgery/Medical Issue. In Building Manager's absence, people were handpicked by said Building Manager to handle all building related duties. Building Manager mistakenly assigned Mrs. Nosey some duties. Building Manager also mistakenly told Mrs. Nosey what the SUPER SECRET Surgery/Medical Issue was. Of course because it is a SUPER SECRET Surgery/Medical Issue, Mrs. Nosey was sworn to SECRECY. Such an Oxymoron that statement. Anyway, after Building Manager told Mrs. Nosey about her assigned duties and the SUPER SECRET Surgery/Medical Issue, Building Manager walked in on Mrs. Nosey telling an; as of this posting, undisclosed co-worker EXACTLY what the SUPER SECRET Surgery/Medical Issue was/is. Yes, that is right. She was BUSTED red handed. From what I am told Building Manager did not put the smack down on Mrs. Nosey even though she was; and rightly so, livid. Which, I really don't understand how she managed to control herself, but she is a less violent person than me apparently.

I swear this woman NEVER learns. Days later, she shouts out a question to Building Manager about when the SUPER SECRET Surgery/Medical Issue is supposed to take place. From down the hall. Where there are many offices located.

Really???????????????????????

OMFG. How has she not been written up? I do not comprehend this AT ALL. Unpaid leave maybe? SOMETHING to get through her thick ass skull.

As F would say “How about a FIST to her FACE???”

Do you think HR would do something then?

You Smell Like Roses Dharling........

2011-05-20T10:40:00.000-04:00

7:10ish AM interior of a dark house................

I have just exited the shower and am starting to get dressed when I hear my cell ring.

Me: "Hello? What's up?"

F: "OH. I wasn't expecting you to answer."

Me: "um,ok, what's up??"

F: "Well I was wondering if you could bring me my cologne on your way to work??"

Me: "Uh, NO. I have to go to my mom's this morning before work(she's coming home from the south for the summer and I turn all her stuff back on for her before she gets here.), I can't come to your work AND go to my mom's. I guess you'll just have to smell like soap."

F: "Well, but my shirt smells musty." (our basement and closets get this musty smell during the summer despite the dehumidifier we have. If you know of a way to fix this please let me know.)

Me: "Oh, I'm sorry babe. Go to the store and buy some Frebreze."

F: " Gee, thanks a lot hon."

Me: "Sorry."

Does this remind you of the time he wanted me to go to Target for him to get mouthwash and shaving cream? Yeah, me too.
Mothers of young boys, please do your future daughter in law a favor and teach your sons how to Man up and go to the store by themselves. Seriously. I have a bottle of Frebreze at my office for just such occasions. Also a Tide pen, which would have spot treated the "Lunch mishap" on his pants yesterday as well.

*insert eye roll and sigh here.*

Sh*t F Says In His Sleep

2011-05-17T10:48:00.001-04:00

"You STUPID, FUCKING Bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Are you STILL looking at that??" *giggle"

"I just want to go back to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.........."

This was all said in one night, this was actually a SLOW evening.
Do you know how hard it is to remember what someone says in their sleep when you are half asleep yourself? Not easy digital folks, not easy at all.

Mrs Nosey: The After Math

2011-05-16T14:56:00.007-04:00

Remember this post from the other day about outing co-workers' pregnancies? Our direct boss decided that we needed a refresher about respecting others. So in our monthly meeting within my group she told us we needed to respect others and not share information that would otherwise be private. I was watching Mrs Nosey to see what her reaction would be, there was no reaction. She was completely clueless that the incident we were referring to was hers. After about 5 minutes Mrs Nosey finally says, "Wait, are you talking about the Big Monthly meeting??? The one where I told about the gals' (everyone is a gal, no matter how old) being pregnant??"
Boss: "Yes, actually I am."
Mrs Nosey: "Did someone say something??? Was someone offended???????????"
Then followed a 10 minute discussion where in she kept saying, "But everyone already knew!!!!!!!"
Our Boss finally said, " I didn't know."
"Well, EVERYONE besides you knew. *giggle*"
"People knew indirectly, but no formal announcement was made."
COMPLETELY DUMBSTRUCK. She just could NOT understand why what she did was wrong because EVERYONE already knew. I managed to keep silent for the most part. Others, who normally keep silent actually spoke up. I wanted to scream at her, "HOW STUPID ARE YOU???? If they didn't SPEAK UP when the Big Boss asked, what makes you think it was OK FOR YOU TO DO IT FOR THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????" But I did not. I sat and ground my teeth instead. After our meeting, I heard her whispering madly to one of our co-workers who told me later that she still just couldn't understand what the big deal was? Why would they care? SHE wouldn't care. She's very open about EVERYTHING. Yes, we all know you are unhappy in your marriage and are envious of your divorced friends and their carefree life. I would prefer NOT to know that about you. Seriously. The "talking to" she got, in my opinion, was not severe enough. I would have written her up and sent her to sensitivity training. Alas, I am not the Boss. Which for several people here is a VERY good thing.

*** I just found out that she actually may have seen the light. She apologized to one of the women. I was not expecting that AT ALL. But I'm sure she still doesn't completely understand what she did wrong.****

How Men Read

2011-05-14T10:30:00.001-04:00

E-Mail I sent to F: "I made an eye dr appt for you for Wednesday @ 2:30. If that won't work for you, you need to call them and change it: [redacted phone #]. ( i added the bold and underline for you digital reader, it is important)

F's response: "Sorry DH but the next 2 weeks I am busy well beyond 5 please change."

I read this and was all W.T.F????? Seriously, I am not your secretary. I was doing him a solid by making the appointment to begin with. It is not like I ask him to make my Gyno appointment for me, ya know????

But before I could fashion this from mental thought to written word, I see a second e-mail from F which was sent 10 minutes after the first one: "I will call them."

Ahhh, he CAN read!!! A little slow on the comprehension, but still; I am so proud.

Bold Rudness

2011-05-06T09:12:00.000-04:00

Remember how just a few days ago I told you that Mrs. Nosey took it upon herself to announce pregnancies for two of our co-workers? The woman has no boundaries, I swear to God. This morning before our Boss got in, flowers were delivered to her office. Mrs Nosey went in to said office, exclaimed, "OH! She got flowers! Is it her birthday???" Our boss's birthday was 2 weeks ago, which one of our co-workers reminded her. "Oh, well. OH!!!! It is her ANNIVERSARY!!!! HHHHmmmmm "To the love of my life (something else I couldn't quite make out)" " "Hmph, if my husband wrote something like THAT(something else I couldn't make out but it was clearly sarcastic)....."

Do you see what just happened there?? She READ the card on our BOSS'S FLOWERS before our Boss even got to see them and then, THEN she criticized what her husband had written!!!!!!!
The out and out audacity of it all!!!!! It just blows my mind. I almost said something, but I keep biting my tongue. I would have a very hard time not calling this woman the "C" word if we ever got into it.
She is so beyond rude I just don't even know how to handle it.

I've Got a Whole Bag of ZIP IT With Your Name On It

2011-05-03T10:48:00.000-04:00

We have a meeting each month that encompasses all departments in our building. Since our last meeting two women have semi-announced (read word of mouth) that they are expecting. When the big boss asked if there was any other news that needed to be shared, NEITHER of these women spoke up. The meeting moved on to a few other things and then he asked again, again both women reminded silent. So, our office busybody, Mrs Nosey took it upon herself to announce it FOR THEM. FORCING them to speak up. I cannot tell you how badly I wanted to reach across the table and smack that self-satisfied smile off her face. The one woman even said quietly, “I really didn’t want it announced.”

I just do not understand how she came to the decision that it was upon her to announce something so incredibly personal. I realize that pretty much everyone already knew, but there is certainly an unwritten rule concerning something like this. Isn’t there? Am I crazy? This isn’t an announcement that someone makes for you, unless they are your mother. It goes without saying, she is not their mother.

Is my extreme dislike of this woman coloring my view?? Was it ok for her to “out” these women who were CLEARLY remaining silent during the period in which they could have spoken up for themselves? As much as I would LOVE to put this woman in her place, I realize that that is not MY place. Oh, but how I wish it was. How I wish.

My New Theme Song

2011-04-29T10:09:00.000-04:00

Seriously, minus the hand down the pants, the video games, and the sex with a girl (not that there's anything wrong with that) this is my new theme song.

What F Said

2011-04-21T10:04:00.003-04:00

I’ve mentioned it before, F talks in his sleep, A LOT. Sometimes he rambles on in the Homeland Language, so I never understand him, but I try to remember how it sounded so I can ask him what it meant in the morning. But other times, when he talks, it is crystal clear English, and I’m all over that. Once, he growled, “God Damn it DH!!” That freaked me out a little bit. He has said other things as well. “Come you guys!!!” “You guys are ASSHOLES!!” “Is that going to work for you?” In most instances when I remember to ask him about it in the morning, he doesn’t remember what he was dreaming about. There are other times when I can’t tell if he is whimpering or giggling.
Last night he hissed, “You’re a FUCKING idiot!” I was pretty sure that even though he was mere inches from my ear that statement was in no way directed at me.

Granted, he’s not as funny as this guy, but I find it entertaining all the same.

Rental Reduex

2011-04-06T10:12:00.004-04:00

This week our Tenant informed us that his hours have been severely cut at his job and he will no longer be able to rent from us. (I'm not completely sure I believe this because not too long ago Tenant informed F that Tenant's mother was seriously ill and he was hoping to get her house when she died. As far as we know this hasn't happened yet. But that is who Tenant is moving in with.)The end of May will be his last month. F thinks that maybe Tenant was hoping we would offer to reduce the rent. The rent that isn't even covering the full mortgage payment. That is not going to happen. This of course then spurred the discussion between F and I about what to do with said house. I personally am done being a landlord. I am highly concerned about who will end up being the next Tenant. What state the house will be in with current Tenant and what the state could potentially be in with the new Tenant. In other words, I want to sell it. Selling it of course would be taking a MASSIVE hit on it and would mostly result in us "finishing" paying on a house we no longer possess. F is decidedly against this. Which I of course understand. But I currently feel that paying on a mortgage on a house we no longer own is better than the tension and stress caused by being a landlord. To me, being done with that is worth making a monthly payment. I do realize it would be a waste of money. But I also realize that the roof on the rental needs to be replaced. And that the "sewer" backs up EVERY February when the snow starts to melt and the rain starts to come. We've replaced the washer and the dryer. I just, I just don't want to do it anymore. F wants to continue to rent the house out. I want to sell. F thinks that doing background checks and whatnot will insure a better class of renter. I'm not sold on that idea one bit.

I, no, WE do not need the added stress of trying to figure out what to do about this. There are so many other things going on with us right now that we really don't need more.

****NEW INFO****
I called my mortgage company and after 3 transfer was given to Jeremiah in Liquidations. When I posed my question to Jeremiah; "If I sell my house and don't get the amount that is still owed on it, what will happen then?"
Jeremiah: "That amount will be forgiven."
Me: "I'm sorry? Forgiven?"
Jeremiah: "Yes. It is not your fault after all that the market crashed. Few homeowners know about the Debt Reduction Act that Bush enacted before he left office in 2007."
Jeremiah then went on to tell me to SELL SELL SELL!!! He was amazed that we were getting the amount of rent that we are getting. He was shocked at how "little" of the difference we were making up. Then he told me again, "Sell now. Put it on the market NOW. I doubt you will get a tenant in there for the same amount you are getting now."
The conversation continued in the same vain for about 20mins, but it that was the gist of it.
So, assuming everything works out the way we hope, F and I will no longer be landlords!!! PRAISE BABY JESUS!!! I can not tell you how happy that will make both of us. F even wants us to sell our house and move somewhere "better". I personally don't think that is necessary, but we'll cross that bridge if we get to it.
SO if you know anyone who has done this, please let me know. I want to know if it is as scott free as it sounds.

Potty Time Made More Fun!!!

2011-03-31T11:39:00.000-04:00

F and I went out to dinner. Several lemonades later, and I had to visit the restroom.

I was greatly amused at what I saw contained within my stall:

The Grandma Face seals the deal on this one

Double take, then giggle

So yeah, it appears I was drinking when I took this.
"Still Standing, Unlike Those We Serve."

Don't Look At this While Eating......

2011-03-29T13:47:00.000-04:00

DISGUSTING Spirit Air!!!

So yeah, GAG. Why would you even? Who said this was a good Ad?? Seriously.

Hot off the.......

2011-03-25T10:38:00.000-04:00

This fall we kicked our grill to the curb. It had lost both wheels and the side table fell off and the handle was broken. Plus, our own fault totally, it was incredibly FILTHY. All winter long we've been keeping our eye out for a new one. Then F was spurred on by the potential loss of power due to an ice storm. Apparently the charcoal travel grill we have out in the garage isn't trust worthy enough in the midst of a world stopping ice storm(sarcasm in case you missed it).

So he picked up this little beauty from Home Depot......

Our New Grill

And then assembled it in our family room, but didn't want to go out in the rain to take it outside.

So now......

it is residing in our DINING ROOM

Talk about getting your food hot off of grill.

Did I Just See That?

2011-03-23T11:37:00.000-04:00

So this made me do a double take, and then I was really kind of creeped out by it:

A Mini-Van Hearse

Does anyone else think that a vehicle built SPECIFICALLY for Soccer moms to haul live happy bouncing children being used to transport DEAD people, a tad creeptasic? Anyone? Just me?

Pay Up BITCH!

2011-03-22T10:30:00.000-04:00

I recently got a new credit card and hadn't made a first payment yet. Six days before it was due I get this e-mail from them:

Date E-mail sent 03/15/2011:
Your [redacted] card payment due date is approaching and we have not yet received your payment. If you have already scheduled your payment, please disregard this notice. Log In to schedule a payment now.

Minimum Payment Due$149.00

Payment Due Date March 21, 2011

Needless to say, I was a tad freaked out because then I thought I hadn't scheduled it via my online banking(best invention EVER) to make the payment. I quickly logged in and saw that I had made it for the VERY NEXT DAY. I breathed a sigh of relief and then silently cursed out the credit card company for

unnecessarily raising my stress level. Apparently, Five days early just isn't early enough.

Friendly reminder? Maybe.
Firing squad intensity? Most decidedly.

Bra Venting

2011-02-25T11:58:00.000-05:00

So, I am one of those women have has a naturally large chest. This has been an issue for YEARS people, and I mean YEARS. As a young girl, and I do mean YOUNG, child like even, I was the only one with a chest, you can only imagine the horror of that where the boys were concerned. HORROR. Throughout my middle school and high school years I was always leery of boys' interest in me. Did they like me for ME? or for my boobs?? This could be part of the reason why I never dated in high school. I just didn't trust the males. Of course SES telling me boys would only be interested in my boobs probably didn't help either. Anyway, buying bras has always been a trip down Painful and Boring Ave. Painful because finding a bra that would fit and HOLD me properly was kind of non-existent for a very long time. Boring because once you get beyond a certain size all you find for color is Beige, or Nude, or White, or Off-White and on a really lucky day, Black. Enter my discovery of Lane Bryant. COLOR! SIZES! SELECTION! PATTERNS! MATCHING PANTIES!! HEAVEN. It is great. In the beginning though LB's bra's were constantly giving me issue with the under wire. Without fail, the under wire would eventually pop out of the bra. In the front, on the side. And if you've ever had to go an entire day with a metal wire poking you in the chest or arm pit, you know this was far from fun. After a few years, they greatly improved, and I ceased to have a wire poking issue. Until recently. One of my newer bras popped through and started poking my arm pit. NOT COOL. So today I spent 15 minutes untangling the thread so that I could patch up the hole and wear the bra. 10 minutes after I got to work, the damn thing broke through the patch job and is currently making its presence known in my pit. WTF bra? WTF?
On a similar note I saw this article well, actually one similar, about the company making size L. I immediately went to their site, they are a U.K. company. I was greatly saddened to see that they only carry up to a certain "girth" size. I e-mailed them and asked if they made bigger sizes, because seriously, their bras were so PRETTY. Basically, I was told that there was no demand for them, and until there was, they wouldn't be making them. Seriously???? I think they are missing a serious demographic here. I would totally be willing to pay extra for their pretty SUPPORTIVE bras.
*la sigh*
If you are with me on this ladies, please e-mail the company and tell them there IS a demand!!!

MEN! GAH!!!

2011-02-18T10:06:00.001-05:00

This morning while getting ready for work:

F: "DH?? DH where are you??"

Me: "I'm in the bathroom."

F:"Oh, well, I need to shave, so hurry up."

Me: "*sigh* fine."

I exit the "main" bathroom to allow F to shave and I head to the half bathroom to, ahem, finish my business.

TEN SECONDS later.................

F: "DH!!! DH!! Where ARE you???"

Me: *annoyed* "In.The.Bathroom."

F: "Well I'm out of shaving cream and mouthwash."

Me: "Fine. You know where the grocery list is." (it is located on the fridge, has been for the 5.5 years we've been together.)

F: "Oh.Well I was hoping you could go to Target."

Mind you, there is a Target 4.1 miles from HIS office. But I understand since it IS a WHOLE MILE further away than the one by my work (3.1 miles).
Now for the last 3 nights I've been getting home from work after 7pm. Last night I LEFT the office at 6:40pm. He knows this. He KNOWS I've been working on a huge project, AND YET, surely I can still go to Target to get shaving cream and mouthwash, mouthwash I might add that he didn't even WANT me to buy to begin with.
Why are boys so lazy when it comes to shopping? Why do boys always just assume that the job you have is wishy washy and SURELY you can go shopping on your lunch???

WTF dudes????
W.T.F.??

Unconscious Convos

2011-02-08T11:30:00.001-05:00

In the wee hours of the morning F says to me: "DH? You awake?" as he reaches over and starts rubbing my breast.
Me: "Emph." (i was still half asleep)
F: "DH,You awake? Come over here so I can tell you something funny."
Me: "Wha?"
As he continues to rub my breast: "Come on over here so I can tell you something funny!!"

It is at this point where my sleep fogged brain starts to register that he's probably talking in his sleep. It also registers that it is not happy about being awake.

Me: "Are you even FUCKING AWAKE???"

F: "Yeah! Come on, come here so I can tell you something funny." He squeezes my breast.
Me: "F. Go back to SLEEP."
F: "Fine."

2 seconds later he is giggling in his sleep.

The next morning when I ask him and recount the conversation to him, he tells me I am crazy, that didn't happen. And if it DID then he was acting out his dream and I should have went along with it.

Yes, every girl's dream, to have unmemorable sex.

Traps Ahoy!

2011-02-05T11:57:00.000-05:00

This morning F yells for me from the kitchen where he is making breakfast. "DH!!!!!! GET HERE QUICK!!!!"
Considering the tone I hightail it across the house expecting to see blood. Instead? F hands me a half loaf of bread : "Look."
I stared at it for a moment before it sunk in. There were several large chunks missing from the tail end of the loaf. I had to really focus in order to notice the large hole in the bag.
Me: "Motherfucker."
The damn mouse has made its way on to the counter top and has boldly taken to eating our bread. That means that the silverware I moved out of the drawer because it was pooping all over it, is still getting ran over by the damn mouse. The damn mouse who still pooped all over the silverware drawer even though there isn't any silverware or crumbs in it. F and I decided we would put all the non-eat-through proof food in a plastic container until this is resolved.
F has gone to get mouse traps.

Let's Recap The Last Week, Shall We??

2011-02-01T10:25:00.003-05:00

Friday the 21st, F's car begins to die while he's on his way home from work.
Saturday the 22nd, we drop F's car off to be looked at. Later that afternoon they call us, $3,000 in repairs. We paid $3,600 for it not even 2 years ago. We call my mom who agrees to let us drive her car while she winters in the south. We can drive it just as soon as she re-instates the insurance on it.
Monday the 24th. Mom instates the insurance. We pick the car up Monday night.
Tuesday the 25th. I drive mom's car to work.
Wednesday the 26th I drive mom's car to an appointment in the early morning and rear-end someone. I exchange information with the man involved(GIH=Guy I Hit). We agree to go to the police station separately. I call my mother who assures me despite smashing her car, she still loves me. We take mom's car to the dealer where we are informed of my mother's $500 deductible. Great.
Thursday morning I drive F to work. It is dark out and I am still rather skittish. That evening F gets a ride home from a co-worker. Where upon I am informed that his boss told him to take the company car and he refused despite the fact that I have a 7:40 AM appointment Friday morning. Bad planning F.
Friday the 28th. I get up at 5:30 AM in order to have time to take F to work and still make it to my appointment. F drags his feet while reading Maxim in the bathroom. I barely make it my appointment. Brake lights continue to make me nervous.
Saturday the 29th. F and I agree that after yet another appointment we would hit a home show. While leaving my appointment the GIH calls, says police says we must file report together. F and I ditch home show plans to go to station. GIH informs me that he Googled me and now knows where I work. WTF? I received no ticket, am waiting for it to come in the mail.
Sunday the 30th F and I are lazy and do not leave the house. F starts to empty the dishwasher and notices, MOUSE DROPPINGS. Really? AGAIN????????????????? F said he thought he had seen it on a late night water drinking trip, but couldn't be sure because he was half asleep. We now we are sure. And the damn thing ate our BBQ brush AND the rubber wine cork stoppers. We re-washed everything. This just ticks me off. That night I notice that our "new" ceiling has a crack in it, and it's leaking. Will this never end???
Monday the 31st. It is mid-afternoon as I finally get around to checking my e-mail. I see a weird alert from Face Book saying I have a message titled, "Our Accident" WTF? So, not only did GIH Google me? He found me on FB and left me this creeptastic message:

"Have a great day, Hope your mom or husband arnt to hard on you about the accident. Those things happen. Im cool with it! I don't know how to say this but I feel like the accident was suppose to happen for a reason! anyway you and "F" have a great week. I'm praying for you guys. Are you two Christians? If I dont here from you two again I won't keep any further contact except for the accident if needed. You two seem like a great couple! Add me as a friend if you like, if not I understand as we really dont know each other. "

Time stamped? Several hours AFTER we met up at the police station on Saturday. If he's just being nice, fine, but honestly, it creeps me out. Seriously. Needless to say I'm keeping the message, JIC.
F called me. He went to pick up our van and as he was driving away the breaks semi-went out. Really? The place said they could fix them for like a Grand more. Um, not happenin. (I just told F GIH's message, he said, "Oh thank him for his kind words! We can be friends if you want to!" Not the response I was expecting.)
Major snowstorm is hitting the mid-west. Great. Like I need to add snow on top of my driving issues.
2011, What's the deal with the sucking? A month in, and you're killin me already. NOT COOL.

My Streak Has Ended

2011-01-27T10:11:00.002-05:00

For the first time ever in my life, I dialed 9-1-1. Yep, that's right. 911. This is something I think all of us hope they never have to do. Or least hope you never have to do on your own behalf or the behalf of someone you know. I dialed on my own behalf.
Fender Bender. Well, actually, more like Rear Ender. And I hate to say it, but I was the rear-er, not the rear-ee.
No I was NOT on my cell.
However, just as pathetic, I was on my GPS. To a location I know only too well. Honestly, people, I feel like such a dolt. My GPS was "Recalculating" and it threw me, because there was no need to recalculate. I knew this route. GPS knew this route. So I was messing with it and when I looked up 2 seconds later, traffic had come to a STANDSTILL. I saw the ever looming back end of the car in front of me and I knew, at my speed I wasn't going to be able to stop in time. I slammed on the breaks, which lessened the impact, the airbags didn't deploy. The person I hit pulled into a parking lot. I followed. Everything was so surreal.
Me:"OMG. Are you ok??"
Guy I Hit: "Yes, you?"
Me: "Just a heart attack."
He chuckled.
My Van's front end was mushed all to heck and back.
GIH: "I guess the handicap mount for the wheel chair took most of the hit." (i saw no wheel chair mount, but ok) Do you have a cell phone?"
Me: "Do you know the number to the police? Or should I just dial 9-1-1??"
GIH: "Um just dial 9-1-1."

People, I have never, EVER had to do this before. 36.5 years old and I have never had to call the cops. I think that is pretty amazing. Have I been in accidents before? Yes. Twice I was clipped on the back. The first time it was not my fault and since I was young, and he was young, we agreed to not call the cops. The second time I was clipped, I felt it wasn't my fault, but the other guy said I pulled out in front of him. I swear to God the guy was not there when I pulled out and considering where he hit me, the very back tail of my truck, it was his fault. That time the cops were called, I'm not sure by who since I didn't have a cell then. I don't even remember if my insurance went up. I don't even remember if I got points on my license. I do remember paying the $270 ticket. Since the police didn't come this time, it is up to me and GIH to go to the station and file a report. The cops said since no one was injured, they didn't have to come. Filing this report is the last thing I'm looking forward to doing.
The absolute WORST part of it? It was my mom's car. My mom's car that I wouldn't let F drive because he backed it into the house with it and then thought because it was my mom, we didn't need to have it fixed. Uh, no. So I was driving it. We were borrowing it because our van began to die and since my mom is wintering in the south, she didn't need it. It was the second day I was driving it. TWO DAYS after my mom, great woman that she is, put the insurance back on it, I get in an accident. I feel so incredibly low about it. As though I can't be trusted with the family car. It is even worse because it was totally preventable. I didn't slide on black ice, or in the snow, I allowed myself to be distracted. I would like to point out however, that part of the problem is that F won't let me mount the GPS on the window like you are suppose to. Instead, it is propped up down in the ashtry. So I have to looke DOWN at it. If I had been looking UP at it, I think I may have seen this coming and been able to react better. (moving past me being petty..........NOW.)
My body is starting to complain. I am especially tender where the seat belt crossed my chest. Where I also happened to have a hair clip attached to my shirt. No bruising, yet. Just real achy. It is my punishment for my bad behavior. I deserve this. The second her car is fixed, it is going back into her garage, where it belongs. This accident has propelled F and I to the decision to go ahead and get our van fixed and hope to hell it last for at least a few more years.
Like I told my mom, who assured me via e-mail that she "still loves" me, this makes up for me not wrecking the family car when I was teen. Right? RIGHT??

This ad isn't so funny anymore. Let me tell ya.

Hotel, Motel, Holiday Inn……….

2011-01-11T10:03:00.002-05:00

We made it back with our marriage intact. Can someone please tell me, and I know I’ve asked this before, but what in HELL is it with men wanting to have sex EVERYWHERE??? Seriously, your parent’s house, in your mom’s bed = CREEPY & GROSS. And when I tell you that in order to have sex we must go to a hotel, that DOES NOT mean going over to one of your buddies’ houses. END OF DISCUSSION. Oh, and telling them I put in place a condition concerning where we can have sex? NOT COOL.

Anyway, FIL was, well, FIL. Day One brought a comment to F about a friend of his that has been unemployed since just before his wedding 8 months ago, “Yes, he is FAT now, just like YOU.” Aww, can you feel the love yet people???

Honestly, that was pretty much it for the comments; that I heard anyway. Who knows what was said in the Homeland language. FIL is apparently disgruntled that F has not lived in the house for ten years now, reminding F of this when telling him to shut up about the fact that there was a plumbing issue in the downstairs bathroom. FIL was livid that F took it upon himself to contact a plumber to take care of the problem and the cost. SHAME ON HIM. Especially when said problem can be fixed by adding a mixture of baking soda and vinegar!

And no, we are NOT allowed to buy MIL a new mattress!!! (in case you haven't figured it out, MIL and FIL have separate bedrooms.) FIL will pay for it! And also take off on his own to do so leaving everyone standing in their coats in the living room wondering what just happened. Yes, he drove off without F, or MIL or the friend and the van we borrowed to transport the mattress in. F was so pissed off when he came back that to this day I have not asked him what transpired at Sam's Club. (the place we got the mattress from, sorry, the place FIL got the mattress from.)

FIL also refused, REFUSED to attend Christmas Dinner at W's (F's brother). As MIL and I were putting on our shoes, MIL said something to him in the Homeland language. Oddly enough, he answered her in English; "I'm not going to that STUPID thing." Yes, Christmas dinner at his son's house, is STUPID. Baby Jesus really did weep. I swear. W called F while we were on the way there, I of course only heard one side of the conversation, I'm sure you can closely guess what the other side was:

F: "We're on our way." (we were late, through no fault of mine I'd like to point out!) *pause* "Me, DH and Mom." *pause* "I don't know W." *pause* "You're asking the wrong person W." *pause* "Ok, we'll pick that up." So on Christmas day we stopped to pick up OJ and Lemon juice (which they had none) so F had to call W back. "W. They don't have lemon juice, do you want me to get two OJ's? *pause* "Ok." *pause* "I don't know......No, I don't know why he isn't answering his cell phone or the house phone W." *pause* "You'll have to ask him that. I'm sorry."

END

As for MIL. She broke the rule and bought me Christmas presents. Seriously people, I know she means well, but this is crazy. No means no. F had a fit when I told him she got me stuff and then she was all “You Just HAD to tell him, didn’t you???” OMG. She has gotten better at picking stuff, but she just can’t seem to get it through her head that just because it is “my size” doesn’t mean it is going to fit.

Two different pairs of Frilly PJ's, not that bad actually

Wallet, on a string

I may have actually kept this if it wasn't fire engine red

A 3/4 length WINTER robe. Barely came past my knees

With FAUX FUR trim

This is the Pie plate and knife I kept.

F also got several shirts and a sweater. I think they all got left there, because I don't recall washing them. F made the mistake of mentioning that he wants a new knife set. One magically appeared from the basement, where all sale items are kept until they are doled out. While I was unpacking his suitcase I found two more. That MIL is sneaky.
She and I hit the after Christmas sales, where once again she was determined to buy me something. We went to Dress Barn because I knew they would have some sale stuff. I handed her 2 shirts to hold while I continued to look around. When I was ready to go, I asked her for said blouses, "Ok, I'm ready to go" I said reaching out for the hangers. As I tried to take them, I was meet with resistance. "May I please have my shirts?" I questioned puzzled, and kind of annoyed because I knew what was about to go down.
"No."
"Um, please." I said tugging on them.
"No." she replied flatly as her grip tightened around the hangers.
I quite literally stumbled backwards and tripped and fell over the stool where you sit to try on shoes. She didn't even crack a smile. Or help me up.
"Fine. let's go then." I said getting up.
"Ok. I'll pay for this, you pay for those."
I tried one last time at the register, " But, see, I have a coupon I want to use."
"Then give it to me. I'll use it."
Seriously, she was so very determined that she was going to BUY ME something. But it wasn't like she was happy about it, you know?? Like she was doing it grudgingly. Which maybe she was. I have no idea.
As we were leaving the store, I looked at her, and said "Thank You, you really do not have to buy me anything."
She did that little head nod of hers in agreement.
"And this is the deal, everything else, EVERYTHING else must go back,understand?"
She blinked at me me from behind her glasses, "Even the pie plate?"
"Well, ok, I'll kept the pie plate(how cute is the pie plate after all?).........And the knife, F wants a new knife."
Head shake.
Then I made the mistake of mentioning that I wanted to get a new coat. This then culminated into yet ANOTHER shopping trip, one on which I dragged F along. I found a coat but it was a tad tight so I passed on purchasing it. She was determined, yet again, that a coat for me was her new buying mission. I am not joking when I say that she was visibly disgusted with me when I gave up the hunt for a new coat. She even asked me several times through out the rest of our time there if I really was done looking for a coat. And was disappointed each time I said Yes. Her disappointment only grew when I pretty much out right refused some jewelry she insisted I take. "What is the point of having girls in the house (T and myself) if I can't buy and give them things?" If I trusted T more, I would ask to see what it is she has gotten over the years. But I fear that would get back to MIL so I'm keeping my peace. People, I'm telling you, this is stuff she dug out of a drawer somewhere. One piece, F even thinks is the one we brought back for her from the Homeland. They got left in the dresser. A necklace and earring set she gave me last time has stones missing and you can see a rather large glob of glue where the "peril" was glued on the setting.

Things were so stressful for F that several days before we were scheduled to leave, he said he was ready to be back home. He told me in no uncertain terms that the next time we go Back East, we are NOT staying at his parents' house. That we would in fact being staying at a Hotel (so my vote!) or with one of his buddies (so more likely). I feel bad for him because I can tell he feels horrible about having to make that call about his parents and he feels guilty for not being able to get along with FIL. I suggested that maybe it would be better if we make the trip shorter as well. He agreed.

We will of course see how long his memory is when Christmas comes around again this year.

Ring In Already!!!

2010-12-24T13:36:00.002-05:00

We are currently on the road heading Back East to visit with the Outlaws for the holidays.
I'm sure I'll have something to tell when I get back.
10 days can't be completely uneventful, right???
In the mean time, have a great Christmas and a fabulous New Year!!!!
Come on 2011!!!!!!!!!

Um, Yeah

2010-12-23T10:36:00.002-05:00

F has placed my present under the tree. Do not be fooled by its size, or anything else for that matter.

So, This box with Painter's tape? My present.

It could be empty for all I know, or filled with my own clothes.

FedUP Updated

2010-12-20T13:30:00.001-05:00

I ordered F's Christmas presents online from Franklin Covey. I ordered them back on the 9th. They shipped on the 9th as you can see. What's killing me is that they've been sitting at the FedEx warehouse TWO TOWNS over for the last FOUR DAYS. They were suppose to be deliver on the 17th to my work, which I figured would be easier, since we are here all day. When I left at 6pm on Friday night, NOTHING.
FEDEX, WTF??? FOUR DAYS to go like 20miles?? SERIOUSLY????

Detailed Results Notifications Tracking no.: [redacted] E-mail notifications

Arrived at FedEx location

FEDEX SMARTPOST [redacted] Shipment Dates

Ship date Dec 9, 2010

Destination

Shipment Facts Help Service typeFedEx SmartPost

Weight1.1 lbs/.5 kg

StatusPieces Date/Time Status

All shipment travel activity is displayed in local time for the location

No entries found
Date/TimeActivityLocationDetails:
Dec 14, 2010 10:02 PMArrived at FedEx locationFEDEX SMARTPOST [redacted] (TWO TOWNS OVER)
Dec 13, 2010 3:32 PMDeparted FedEx locationFEDEX SMARTPOST NEW BERLIN, WI
Dec 13, 2010 4:23 AMArrived at FedEx locationFEDEX SMARTPOST NEW BERLIN, WI
Dec 11, 2010 2:10 AMDeparted FedEx locationFEDEX SMARTPOST DENVER, CO
Dec 10, 2010 3:37 PMArrived at FedEx locationFEDEX SMARTPOST DENVER, CO
Dec 10, 2010 3:03 AMDeparted FedEx locationFEDEX SMARTPOST SALT LAKE CITY, UT
Dec 10, 2010 12:06 AMArrived at FedEx locationFEDEX SMARTPOST SALT LAKE CITY, UT

*****I put in the WRONG ADDRESS people!!! FedEx sent it back to the post office (huh?) on the 18th. The Post Office is so on top of things, they sent it back THIS MORNING. So If I had figured this out earlier, I may have saved it and myself. They are canceling the order, re-ordering and now, because I'm a butt head, instead of the deal I originally was getting, FREE SHIPPING, I'm now paying $8 to have it expedited!! It should be here by Wednesday. Keep your fingers crossed!!!**********

Thanks-giving Me a Stress Twitch

2010-12-20T09:59:00.001-05:00

I opted to Adult Up and host Thanksgiving this year. After the first year I did it, and almost killed my then BF (now hubs) my family was a little skittish. I assured them that there would be no repeat of a death match. All would be well, I had it all under control. Turkey? BAG, no basting required, painless. Martha Stewart was providing the mashed potato recipe(somewhat doctored by me). Real Simple was providing a REAL SIMPLE green bean with bacon vinaigrette recipe. Mom provided the stuffing recipe, and the apple pie recipe. The grocery store provided the brown and serve rolls. "I GOT THIS" was my mantra. F insisted on coming along to do the grocery shopping. It is times like these that I wish he was as uninvolved in the kitchen as most husbands are. I had a list that he keep wanting to deviate from, annoying. Then he insisted that he would go get all the fruit and vegetables because he a) knows better and more importantly (to him) b) he could get it cheaper at the fruit market. FINE.
I had the day before thanksgiving off. My PREP Day. I had at least 4 items I planned on checking off my list that day. And that went downhill the minute I over slept. Until 11:30am. Yeah. Guess I needed it. I got up, showered and strapped on my "apron". One of F's old dress shirts with the sleeves removed. Hey, what can I say? When you've got the boobs I've got, you need more coverage that the average apron. And I was OFF! to the couch to watch TV while I peeled and cored apples for the pie. If you bake apple stuff? Or any good sized fruit that requires peeling; You NEED one of these:

Time Saver!!

Then I went on to make the pie crusts, my second attempt only at making pie crust, ever! My brother laughed at me when I called about the crumb topping recipe, "Aren't you like 36? and you've never made pie crust before?" Apple pie crust came out pretty well! I filled it with the apples and placed it in the freezer downstairs since the fridge was FULL. I moved on to the chocolate pie. At the rate I was going I knew I could still get the potatoes done and in the crock pot for the next day where they would just be warmed up through out the day. SCORE! Less stress baby!!!
Um, yeah. Not so much.
Being my mother's daughter I was all about making everything possible from scratch. The pie crusts, the potatoes, etc. I placed the second pie crust in the oven and while that baked I started the COOKED pudding, not INSTANT. My timing was near on PREFECT! Pudding finished just moments before the crust! Another SCORE! I was in my happy place! I could do it all bitches!! I was contemplating making dinner before F got home from work as well! I was feeling that good about my progress.
Pudding was cooling on the back of the stove. Pie crust was removed and placed on top of the stove.
And that is when it all fell apart.

PING! PING! PING! Yes, those are the sounds of glass pie plate hitting glass top stove

Amazingly I had the presence of mind to take pictures for you

My mother insisted I could NOT just place the crust in a new pie plate

Apparently, from what SIL who works for a glass company told me later at Christmas dinner, the minuscule drop of milk that was on the stove top created a vacuum with the glass pie plate which caused it to break. (yes I saw the milk droplet and thought nothing of it). At 4:30pm the night before Thanksgiving I found myself at the grocery store. OMG. What a crazy place!!! I raced down the aisle picking up things I had forgotten. I almost cried when the shelf where I purchased the two pie plates two weeks (at TWICE THE COST!!) before were EMPTY. I had made up my mind to skip it and just use the metal pan I had at home when I saw a kindly looking employee. She assured me that there were more pie plates! But just WHERE, now that's the question??????? My heart sank again as she took to the meat section of the store. WHAT?? Who places a pie making display in the meat aisle!!!???
I stood in line with everyone else in town, the express lane was not so express. I rushed home to start again on the crust. By now it was after 5. The crust? Went in the trash. The two recipes are right next to each, one for two 8in pies and one for two 10in pies. I got them crossed and didn't add enough Crisco. TRASHED.
Things were going downhill fast. I still hadn't riped up and seasoned the bread so it could stale overnight. The potatoes were still in the bag. I started a fresh crust. It was super thin, but I was tired and hadn't had any dinner, so I patched it together, literally, and stuck it in the oven. By now the pudding was beyond set and cold. Lovely. Thankfully F had seen the need and started in on the bread for the stuffing. When it came time to put the pudding in the crust, there wasn't enough pudding. The pudding was a good inch lower then the edge of the pie crust. It looked bad. Luckily I found a box of instant pudding in the cupboard, that however only brought the level up sightly. I was on the verge of tears as F stated, "Just go to the store and get another one." He apparently has never been to the grocery store the night before Thanksgiving. Or made cooked pudding. I refused to go. I was done. I was giving in. Admitting defeat. I covered the pie and found room in the fridge for it. I was dead on my feet. I couldn't think. I knew there was no way I could do the potatoes without staying up until midnight. It was already nine. I cleaned up the kitchen, threw a few decoration up and called it night.
I figured getting up at 8 would give me plenty of time to do the potatoes, and green beans and get the turkey in the oven. I got up at 7:30. I should have gotten up at 6. Maybe even earlier. I had read my mom's directions as closely as I should have, because I COMPLETELY missed the time line for making the stock.

Her exact directions: "(...)TURKEY neck, heart, giblets to pot and simmer for 1 hour - DO NOT boil.
you can make it a day ahead or VERY EARLY on Thanksgiving morning; keep simmering on stove ALL day so you can use it to moisten stuffing that's in crock pot while it cooks. may need more water or broth as day goes on."
I completely missed the whole ONE HOUR, and VERY EARLY. Yeah. PANIC. I called on F to help, "I'm SEVERAL hours behind, I need your help!! Please do the potatoes! The directions are on the fridge."
And by " Do the potatoes" I meant mash them and add all the ingredients and put them in the crock pot to keep warm. F started reading the recipe, completely failing to notice that that morning that I had already peeled and cut them. I see him dump the cooked potatoes out and start rinsing them.
"What are you doing?"
"It says they need to cool enough so I can rub the peels off (oh Martha, really? REALLY?) and then cut them up."
"F, look at them, they are already peeled and cut. Just mash them and add the stuff."
He looks at me, looks at the recipe, and starts to walk away, leaving the potatoes in the strainer.
"What are you doing NOW?????"
"They can cool, then I'll mash them later."
"No. Mash them, Now Please. They are easier to mash when hot (i have no idea if that is true.)."
"Fine."
"You'll probably have to do them in the crock pot."
Somewhere along the line he had add water to the crock pot. I had no idea how truly clueless he was about making real mashed potatoes.
He mashes the potatoes and starts to walk away again.
"You're done already???"
"Yeah, about 2 I'll add the stuff in and turn them on for dinner."

Mind you, at this point it is probably closing in on noon.

"Um, no. You need to do it now."
"It can wait, Trust me."
"No, it CANNOT wait. Dinner is at 3, do you really think they'll heat all the way back up in an hour??????"
"We can turn it on High." (his answer for any cooking temp, I swear to god.)
"F. PLEASE just do as I ask, OK?"
Grudgingly he complies.
I won't even go into the issues and arguments he gave me about making the stuffing. BREAD stuffing, something he has NEVER made in his life, and yet he KNEW how to do it!! (sarcasm in case you missed it) And then he questioned my brother when he arrived because he refused to believe I knew what I was talking about.
Long story short? I under estimated how long the turkey needed to cook. At 2 o'clock the timer still read 2 hours cooking time left. We were suppose to eat at 3.
At 2 o'clock when family started to arrive I was still in my yoga pants and a Renaissance Festival T-shirt.
At 2 o'clock when SES (martha stewart jr) arrived, I immediately put her to work making the Real Simple Green Beans with Bacon Vinaigrette recipe which was to be served cold, but only the beans, not the vinaigrette. Which was also cold, when we ate 2 hours later.
At 2 o'clock the apple pie was still frozen solid. I forgot to take it out of the freezer in the morning. I had planned to cook it in a HOT oven while we ate dinner. I was of course PETRIFIED that putting an extremely cold glass dish in a hot oven would result in yet another pie plate disaster (see pics above). I realized I could set it on a trivet on top of the hot stove to thaw. It worked, mostly.
At 3:30 we decided that the turkey meet the temperature requirement and ES_BIL started to carve away. He hit pink meat close to the rib cage. Luckily we had enough cooked meat to feed everyone. The mashed potatoes were watery because I had put the lid on the crock pot to keep the heat in, and the condensation dripped back down into the potatoes. Who knew?
F forgot the salad and had to run out minutes before dinner and buy some.
So let's re-cap shall we?
Broken pie plate setting the schedule back by several hours.
Under cooked turkey.
Frozen apple pie.
Cold veggie dressing that was suppose to be hot.
Watery potatoes.
Forgotten side dish.
Argumentative husband(when he wasn't being helpful.)
Me on verge of nervous breakdown to the point that ES keep rubbing my back telling it will all be ok and they didn't care if we ate an hour later.
The problem chocolate pudding pie crust? Tasteless.

At least my table was pre-set and looked pretty.

We went to four different stores before we found that table cloth at Khol's
where we started

Oh, and no one got sick from under cooked food.
Amen.

Commerialism at Its Best

2010-12-13T10:29:00.004-05:00

We hosted Thanksgiving, a post unto itself, which I will bore you with later, so we had to clean the house.
As you know, F and I have been caught in a bad dream of home improvement. It is finally finished, although true to his word, you can see the bumping all along the ceiling where he added more drywall compound to cover over the tape. I'm not really sure if I was wrong to insist you aren't suppose to see the tape, or if he was wrong in how he "fixed" it, I just know it is noticeable, and I want to cry every time I look up. Anyway, you can imagine the amount of dust and dirt that had collected on the floor and walls and everywhere. So this was a massive cleaning project. The Contractor use our floor lamp since there was no light hanging from the ceiling (yes, this was my first red flag). Between what he did and what F had done, this floor lamp was filthy. Because of the type of lamp it is, it captured much debris in its "shade".

Very similar to this, debris catching "shade"

It was F's job to clean it.

F: "Where are the Clorox wipes?"
Me: "What do you need those for? Its a lamp."
F: "Because! It Cleans AND Sanitizes!!!!"

Yep, that marketing team sure hit home with my spouse.

Checkin' It Twice.....

2010-12-10T10:40:00.003-05:00

Since so many men say they can’t read minds, including my husband, I put together a list of potential Christmas presents. I was trying to be helpful, especially because he told me rather recently that he never knows what to get me. (Despite the fact that I supply him a list each year.)

Here is the e-mail exchange AFTER he received and reviewed my list:

E-mail from F: “Subject: I take it that this is your xmas list?”

My response: “Yes”

His response: “Wow that is some list… not too sure about #1… nope to #2… maybe to #3…. Yes to #4, #5, #6 and absolutely surprised about #7… what if I already bought you something, should I take it back???”

Here is the list he is referring to:

1) A puppy(seriously, I am ready for a dog.)

2) Steak Dinner at [redacted] Steak House (high end steak place I’ve been dying to try)

3) Go see the Mary Poppin’s play in [redacted]

4) Go see The Nut Cracker somewhere

5) Adaptor for my CD player

6) A new bathrobe (I also asked for this last year, I got a digital camera instead)

7) Digital Video camera (if he is willing to buy a regular camera, why not a video camera??)

My response: “Why NO to #2?????

Of course you don't have to take it back. Of course you can use the list to ADD to it.....................”

His response: “#2 is not a gift… it’s something we can do as a dinner for ourselves…(ok, sweet, I’ll give him that. Now if it actually happens, that will be monumental) Will think about it…”

Ok, cool, that he thinks it is a dinner we can do together, but I’ve been telling him I want to go there for a year now. We still have not gone. Now I’m dying to see what I get. Did he really already get me something?? The suspense is going to kill me!

Last year in order to throw me off, he wrapped up two of his dirty t-shirts and placed them under the tree. You can imagine my surprise and confusion when I opened those.
He thought it was a great joke.

His mother, however, did not.

Is This For Real???

2010-12-01T10:25:00.000-05:00

"Adulthood sucks...why, yes, yes it does. DH, that's why we'd like to invite you to become one of our Authors in Alexandria. You may mirror your existing posts from here or elsewhere or produce original posts there, on anything you wish, as you desire. For your contributions and participation we will blogroll you with no reciprocation required. See our Guidelines for Authors for full details. Come contribute your perspectives and opinions to the ongoing conversations there or, even better, start some new - and different - ones of your own. Contact us through the site for full invitations and instructions."

Really? I have 30 followers (love everyone of you!!) but I really don't see how that qualifies as mass appeal. I could be wrong. They may be in dire need of something to pass the time in Alexandria. Where I am not located????? I, well, hmmm. I'm tempted to be like The Bloggess and mess with them. (see Thief? that's how you give someone credit for their work.) But I just don't have it in me at the moment.

I've Been Stolen!!!!

2010-11-30T12:24:00.001-05:00

So, um, yeah. I was just looking through some of the Blogger Dashboard stuff and they have all kinds of stats. One thing tells you where you've been "reference". Except, I wasn't referenced, I was stolen. My Post. Almost WORD FOR FREAKING WORD. Can you believe it?? Seriously?? The Thief couldn't even be bothered to give me a little credit for my cut and paste skillz!!!??? He even used MY TITLE for the post.
Dude, you know who you are, and you know it isn't cool. I don't care if you leave it up, just give me credit for my "work".

An Open Letter

2010-11-19T10:01:00.000-05:00

Dear Target,

You used to be my Mecca, my Nirvana, my haven of easy finds and great sales. That has come to an end. At first, it was just one or two things that disappeared. I could no longer find a great purse that someone my age could get away with. Then all your shoes grew their heels super high and I could no longer wear them. These things I found elsewhere, while I would still glance through those aisle in hopes that maybe things had gone back to what they were. To no avail. Then other thing started disappearing from your shelves. Curling irons, this didn’t matter until I needed one. Then my face powder, then my eyeliner. And hairspray. And shampoo. And gel. I was forced to find these items from other merchants. This brought me no joy. My complete beauty routine had vanished from your well lite aisles. Save for one last piece, my hair coloring product. I could easily pluck my new found color from the bright aisle of yellow and green boxes. Until now. Now, nothing. Every color BUT mine. I check the manufacture’s website, they still make my Sweet Latte’, Dark Beige Blonde. #72. You just don’t seem to carry it.

What is the deal Target?? Why have all my shades and colorings gone from your walls? F thinks I’m crazy when once in a while I actually FIND my shade of face powder and I BUY THEM ALL. Yes, 3 or 4 of them at a time. This is how extremely rare these finds are. I’ve completely given up on my eyeliner.

Why do you deny me? Do you want me to not feel somewhat pretty? Or is my coloring just that popular that you can’t keep it stocked?? Small thing I actually remember from my horrid semester in Econ, SUPPLY and DEMAND. Your supply is not meeting my DEMAND.

Please rectify this IMEDIATELY.

I miss you.

But I am terribly upset and disappointed with you.

Discolored,

Devil’s Heaven

Minus The Ears

2010-11-12T09:55:00.003-05:00

I went and was fitted for my elephant face, minus the ears of course. I was a few minutes early to my fitting appointment with David, my own personal on-call-but-please-don't-call-me support tech. I was willing to wait, especially after he made this proclamation to me: "Sorry if my breath smells weird, I just had shrimp for lunch." And oddly enough, I could smell that fishy smell the minute I walked in. So glad to have it explained away. I would have waited for him to get a mint to make it GO AWAY though. David was very careful to tell me he'd sanitized his hands before he began touching my elephant trunk and nose. Of course I'm not sure that really helped after he said to me: "Sorry about the sniffling, my allergies are really bothering me."

This kid was a barrel of one liners. He was visibly and verbally surprised by my proficiency in placing the nose contraption on my head; "WOW. Most people don't figure it out right away." Ummm, maybe you need to review the patient/tech privacy handbook there David.

There was a ton of paper work to be filled out, and David ASSURED me that he would call me within "48 to 72 hours to see how you are doing." It has been over a week now and David has not called to check up on me, or to fill me in on the re-ordering process for the gel nose piece and it's cover. Guess I'll have to do the calling myself.

Anyhoodle, is what I came home with:

The face mask AKA the elephant nose and trunk

The "Machine"

The full contraption, assembled and ready to go

"So Comfortable...You might forget you're wearing it"
TOTAL LIE.

I forgot to take a picture of the Sporty carrying bag. I'll have to take it out of the closet and snap a pic for ya'll.

Things I Learned From PANDORA.com

2010-11-03T10:44:00.003-04:00

THREE WHOLE verses of KNOCK KNOCK KNOCKIN' on HEAVEN'S DOOR
Could this song be any darker and death-y??

Subjugation seems like a mighty big word for a song with THREE WHOLE VERSES of the same FIVE words over and over again.
I'm just sayin........

Just Call Me Babar

2010-10-28T10:24:00.001-04:00

I hadn't heard from either my Dr's office or the Sleep Clinic in two weeks, so I called my Dr. They had my results, but were unable to open them, computer related crap, blah blah blah, we'll get back to you. A few days pass, and they call with the results, SEVERE sleep apnea. And I can tell you it must be VERY severe because the nurse who called paused and then STRESSED the word SEVERE. I think she even said it a few times. For effect. So basically, yeah, I'm close to death when I sleep from lack of breathing. SWEET.

Not an hour later, the sleep clinic was calling to make sure they get my Medically Insured Reimbursed business. I go in the next few days for my training and to pick up my C-PAP machine with its ""very convent and sporty duffel bag for easy transportation."

YES. SPORTY. What more can a girl ask for??

The Elephant.....

And it's trunk

And the Nose

This thing can have its own PILLOW??? Oh brother.

Am I wrong here people???

Do you see it? I'll look like I'm wearing an ELEPHANT'S FACE

Forced Air Breathing

2010-10-20T10:03:00.001-04:00

Sleep study is done. Surprise! I have Sleep Apnea. I haven't gotten the full diagnosis from my actual doctor, but the Sleep Tech was rather impressed with my lack of breathing.
It took a good hour to fill out all the paper work and for my Sleep Tech to attached all the electrodes to my head. When she was done I kind of looked like the Queen Borg with all the wires coming off my head.

I of course still had my hair

I was completely exhausted when I arrived at the sleep clinic, and so of course I assumed I would have no problem falling asleep in the nice big bed I was going to have all to myself, in the nice dark and quiet room I would also have all to myself. Yeah, not so much. The mass of wires attached to not only my head, but my face and legs as well, was less than easy to sleep with. There was a nose piece in my nose that had another piece hanging from in case I began breathing through my mouth. It kept stabbing my upper lip. The tangling and rolling over and the leds poking me in my face, not so comfortable. I think I finally managed to fall a sleep around midnight only to wake up and become horribly antsy at 1 am. My legs were spazing out. I couldn't get comfortable, I was about to freak the hell out when I decided it might help if I went to the bathroom. That of course was no small task. And something I needed help doing. I lay still in the dark room and timidly called out to my Sleep Tech, "Hello????"
Over the intercom she answers, "Do you need to use the restroom?"
"yes" I responded feeling foolish.
She came to my room and unhooked the mass of wires from the main thing they were plugged into, and slung the mini board around my neck. Going to the restroom? Not at all graceful. I had wires down my sleep shorts which were connected to my legs, I had all the others from my head and face slung around my neck and an oxygen monitor on one of my fingers. AWK.WARD.
I shuffled back into the room where the Sleep Tech was waiting for me. "I'm going to put the C-PAP mask on you now."

His is too big for his face, but yeah

The head straps there went under all the wires that were coming out of my head. It forces air in. Making it harder for you to stop breathing. I thought I might need the full face mask:

This one covers your nose AND your mouth, talk about Darth Vader

Did I mention that I had taken a sleeping pill after the Sleep Tech tucked me in the first time? Well I did. And then a mere 4 hrs later I took another half of a sleeping pill. If was after that half that sleep FINALLY over took me. I was zonked out. At 6 AM my Sleep Tech came woke me via intercom. I was so incredibly out of it, I had to use my GPS to drive to my mom's. A route I take on a DAILY BASIS. My plan was to maybe nap for an hour or so and then get ready for work. I slept really hard for 2 hours. When I emerged from my old bedroom my mom looked at me and proclaimed, "You look SO MUCH better than when you got here!!!"
Thanks mom.
So, talk about sexy eh?? You know you want one of these too!

Well at least after I get this contraption F and I can sleep in the same room again. ALL NIGHT instead of just part of the night.

YAY BABY.

Sandman VS Darth Vader Mask

2010-10-12T09:59:00.001-04:00

F complains about my snoring. He says it has gotten worse in the last year. In the last few months it has become common place for him to stumble off to the guest bedroom to sleep. Needless to say, I try and keep that bed made up, j.i.c. I haven’t been sleeping well either. I chalked this up to the fact that I was trying not to disturb him, and hence became a light sleeper. On my annual visit to my Dr., she asked if I needed any refills on any of the meds from last year. I told her the one that was suppose to make me sleep didn’t work (it was for depression, um, no), she gave me an actual sleeping pill. But first she asked me one simple question, “Does he say you ever quit breathing while asleep?” I looked at her dumbfounded. This had never occurred to me. And F had never mentioned it. When I got home that evening, I asked him, “Oh Yeah. ALL. THE. TIME.”

Seriously??? I quit breathing ALL. THE. TIME. And he NEVER mentions it??

“Well, it’s more like a; pause.”

DUDE. Not cool.

The Dr. signed me up for an at home sleep study. I received one of those oxygen nose pieces, which attached to a beeper looking thing. I popped one of my new found sleeping pills (SWEET) and proceeded to sleep. A few times the nose piece came out of one side of my nose, but if I woke up, I just shoved it back in and went back to sleep. I turned it in the next day. The following day; a Friday, the sleep center called me, to set up an onsite appointment. I didn’t call them back right away. Then my Dr.’s office called. I didn’t call them back either. The weekend passed and I slept pretty crappily, as did F. Monday morning, my Dr.’s office called me AGAIN to tell me I needed to make an appointment, ASAP. Apparently the data collected said I pretty much didn’t breath at all during the night, go figure. I did tell the lady who collected the little sleeper beeper that I tend to sleep with my mouth open, and so I think that might be part of the issue. I could be wrong. Anyway, the same lady cheerfully told me that they had a cancellation for THAT NIGHT and could I make it. Stunned, I agreed. I packed up my 2 piece sleep gear (t-shirt and shorts), my “portable” CD player and headphones with fresh batteries, my pillow; the Dr. prescribed sleep pills, and a fan, just in case it got too hot in there. From 9PM to 5 freaking 30 AM the next morning, I would be trapped in a “room” away from home.

How do they really expect anyone to really sleep during these things anyway? Telling me I HAVE TO SLEEP is like telling me I can’t have a cookie, or something to drink, because then you just know you HAVE TO HAVE IT. I guess I mean, this means I won’t sleep because I HAVE TO SLEEP. And the lady said my Dr. ordered 2 tests to be done, but most times things don’t work out that way, so people end up having to go back for the second half.

Excellent.

Stop Eyin' (Eyein') Me....

2010-10-11T14:38:00.000-04:00

I do not care for seafood. This is a long standing dislike. Goes back many a years to a childhood fraught with 40 Fridays of Fish sticks. I'm talkin about Lent y'all. Yes, mom would swap Fish stick Friday with Spaghetti Friday, but nothing could wipe out the horror that is the fish stick. Recently, when F and I went to Boston for a job interview,(him, which he didn't get, BOSTON damn it) he was in pure heaven, while I roasted in hell simply so he could enjoy some seafood. The hotel suggested a place down the street that was very popular with the locals. It was in a strip mall. Anyhoodle, my olfactory sense triggered a massive gag reflex when F opened the door. I cringed, my face scrunched up in that "oh! gross smell!!!!!!!" look as my eyes fell upon a sea food DELI. A strip mall fish market. F pushed me through the connecting door none too soon as I held my breath. The smell wasn't nearly as strong on the restaurant side. But it is not just the smell my digital friends that sends me in to convulsions. The look gets me too. I cannot stand to have my food look back at me. AT ALL. EVER. It grosses me the hell out. So you can imagine how I felt when I opened an e-mail from a local Mediterranean restaurant and saw this STARING back at me. I gag just thinking about it!

THOSE EYES!!! Seriously. COOKED EYES.

GAG GAG GAG GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG.

Mike Holmes, Where ARE You??

2010-10-04T10:41:00.000-04:00

F and I have been in a corkscrew of never ending home improvement jobs. Something that should be a simple, weekend-ish projects have turned into MONTHS long frustration. A simple ceiling fan insulation has become a bit of a nightmare. Simply cut a hole, install the bracing, install the fan box, patch hole, sand, and paint. All that was accomplished, with only minor irritation. The problem exploded when my mom and I started to paint. The first coat of primer, Sherwin Williams, went on like butter. We took a break, had some lunch, left the large floor fan directed at the ceiling, running for about an hour and half. I started the second coat of primer on the ceiling when bubbles in the paint started to appear. A few we popped, a few we left alone to shrink back up. When I started the second coat of paint, all hell had broke lose in the form of mass bubbling. We quit. I cried. My mom went home. F raged.
Then he tried to sand out the bubbles, and the paint started peeling off in SHEETS. Right back down to the drywall. 3/4 of the ceiling peeled down to drywall. We called in some people who informed us that we had a moisture issue. When they put on the addition, they didn't properly vent it. On top of that, we found that our roof ridge vent, which is to run the entire length of your roof peak, has a 3 foot GAP in the middle. W.T.F? These issues are beyond F's and my know-how, so we had to hire someone. I can I tell you, that hiring a contractor after watching Holmes on Homes is near to impossible. Every one of those shows starts out with the homeowner saying how they did their homework. Ask for references, called people, and the guy seemed on the up and up and then WHAM they get left in the dead of winter without a roof and electricity. This was my fear. That we'd pay out all this money and still have an issue on our hands. And for what a small job it was, there was no way in the world that I could hope to get Mike Holmes in to fix it. We hired a guy to tear out and install new insulation and drywall in the ceiling in the dining room and new drywall and insulation in the half bath, where it was discovered that one of the previous homeowners painted DIRECTLY over the wallpaper. Please, PLEASE don't ever do that, it is all kinds of wrong and will end up with who ever owns the house after you, cursing your name. Trust me on this. Our contractor showed up, on time, and from what my mother says, who was contractor sitting, worked like a mad man. After the job was suppose to be done, I, with all my Holmes Knowledge, do an inspection. "Um, F? I can still see the drywall tape, like, everywhere. I don't think you're suppose to be able to see it." And so began another round with the contractor. Who insisted that if he covered it up, it would be a bump and something about the walls sloping or something, I don't know. I just know that after several more weeks of me saying, "I can still see the tape." F and the contractor were ready to kill me, and then each other. Also, one of the seams cracked, all the way across the room. F had a fit. I began to wonder just how much damage had to be done before I could get Holmes on the job. The contractor fixed the crack, and we've come to some sort of peace agreement. I'm getting ready to start painting.
So help me, if that drywall tape starts to come up, there will be all kinds of hell to pay. And you all will have to send me some Valium.

I Am So Easily Tortured

2010-09-29T12:31:00.000-04:00

I hate needles. I hate getting shots. I hate getting blood taken.
Therefore, when the barely legal lab tech says to me: "Which arm do they use when they take your blood?"
Me: "The right."
B.L. Lab Tech: "Hmmm. Do they have an easy time?"
Me: "Yes." as my arm yelps in pain from the tourniquet.
B.L. Lab Tech: "Do they ever use your left arm?"
Me: *start to panic* "Some times. But they usually use the right arm."

B.L. Lab Tech keeps pressing on my veins in my right arm. I try to breath deeply so I don't freak the hell out.

B.L. Lab Tech: "So they use the right and have an easy time of it?"
Me: "Yes." my right arm is screaming in protest now from the tourniquet. I think my skin started to separate at the contact point.

B.L. Lab Tech: "Well, I can feel two veins here, I just don't know which one to use! *giggles*
Me: *hyper ventilating* "Really???!!!" I restrain from yelling at another nurse to come save me as she passes by in the hall.

B.L. Lab Tech: "Well, I guess we'll try this one."

Sweet Jesus, did she just say GUESS and TRY when talking about needles and veins?!?!!
I close my eyes tightly, because you know if you can't see it happening, it isn't happening, as she finally sticks the needle in my arm.
B.L. Lab Tech: "Got it!" (i think she sounded surprised.)
Me: *moments from clawing my way out of the chair* "Oh, good."
My right arm cries out in relief as she unties the tourniquet.

As much as I like to think I can Jack Bauer my way through torture, I'd never last a second if they brought out the needles.

All I Ask.....

2010-09-14T09:42:00.000-04:00

I have to know, really I do. Is it REALLY that difficult to drive the speed limit? Is it? I'm not asking you to speed. I'm simply asking you to do the posted speed limit.
Not 10 miles under the speed limit. Not 35 in a 45 during rush hour. Just, 45, maybe 50. Really, please? Could you at least???

Thanks.

Slow Spiral

2010-09-09T22:29:00.000-04:00

For several months now I’ve been feeling down. I’m having a hard time finding anything to be happy about, or that I like. It started by hating my hair. Well, actually, it probably started before that. Back when, well, we found out some not so good news. My spiral started then. I’ve been wrestling with what, if anything I wanted to share here. One day, when the bad news was more than I could take, I started an entry, of sorts, that bullet pointed my experiences and feelings. I’m still not ready to share, here. Yet. But, having put it down, having it out of my head so to speak, I’m able to concentrate. I’ve been adding bullets as things happen.

Today, though, today, I just, *sigh* I just need to vent, maybe? Get things out so I can start moving past them. So please bear with me and my pity party of one.

Yes, I still hate my hair. Even though I realize that it is just not my hair, it is what my hair is sitting on top of. My head? Well yes, in a board sense, but more, my FACE. I hate my face right now. More specifically I hate how fat it is. I pass by a mirror and am shocked, Who’s the piggy? Who’s the old angry Polish woman? (I’m polish, so I can be stereotypical about my own people, right?) My double chin is double what it used to be. My skin looks horrid. Spots, break outs, wrinkles, plain old dull. My upper arms are doughy and soft, and BIG. I don’t think I’ve had wrists since I’ve meet F. I have the wrist version of cankles. Frists? I don’t know. My stomach. Lord. The bulge. The MOUND of fat. Thunder thighs? Check and check. CANKLES, sweet heaven above, I have cankles. And sausage fingers. I have fat people fingers.

My sugar is up, as is well, EVERYTHING that should be down.

I know, eat less, and move more. It is all under my control. I GET IT. And I have been trying, but I haven’t been trying as much as I should. And the weird thing? The weird thing is, is that food doesn’t sound good to me anymore, so I hardly eat, but I’m not really losing weight. Sometimes I’m not even hungry. Sometimes, the mere mention of a certain food makes me gag. Sometimes it is the smell. The other night F made chicken and I swore it smelled like fish. I could barely bring myself to eat it. Other times I get so hungry I get ill. Everything is, OFF, and I’m at a loss as to how to correct it. There are days when getting out of bed is such a challenge. If I could just sleep for a few more hours, everything would be fine. Socializing? Who wants to be bothered with that? It is too much work.

I see, I know what it is, DEPRESSION. I’ve had bouts of it before, who hasn’t? But I’ve always managed to pull myself out of it. I’ve always managed to put it behind me and move on. Nowadays I feel like I’m treading water, I’m not going anywhere. And it all starts all over again, the spiral. The sleeplessness, the over tiredness, the flat out apathy of everyday, day after day. I’m boxed in and I don’t know how to get out.

If just, IF JUST……yes, IF JUST….then it would all be better, maybe. Right? MAYBE.

*sigh*

Oh, the evils and joys of chocolate and salt

2010-09-03T13:36:00.000-04:00

Crack in a candy coating.

Need I say more?

Order UP!!

2010-08-25T08:55:00.000-04:00

Last night 7 PM: F arrives home after going grocery shopping by himself. He sets the bag on the counter and goes about his business.

10 PM: I follow him to bed.

8AM THIS MORNING: F calls me from work: "Hey, did you put away that meat I bought last night?"

Me: "I didn't know you bought any meat."

F: "So, that means it is still sitting out on the counter?"

Me: "Uh, yeah, if you didn't put it away."

F: "Can you turn around and go back to the house to put it away?"

Me: "After it sat out OVER NIGHT????!!!!"

F: "Yeah, it'll be fine."

Me: "Are you sure??? I don't think it will still be good."

F: "Yes, please, go put it away."

Me: "ok."

Needless to say, I won't be having a deli sandwich any time soon for lunch. uh, gag. That is just asking to get sick. Not that it was overtly warm or hot in our house, but the temp didn't drop below 72 all night. I'm making myself sick visualizing all the germs and slimy things on that meat now.

*shiver*

We've got Fievel

2010-08-20T14:55:00.004-04:00

We have a mouse situation in our office currently. Over the last few weeks there have been several sightings. There have, in fact, been a few captures. Three to be exact. One of the women in another office group was apparently VERY concerned about the well being of said mice once they were captives. Being a fair and humane person, the Building Manager gave them “live traps” to place about their office space. Once the traps were set, the concerned woman saw to it that there was not only food placed inside the trap, but ALSO WATER, just in case they didn’t reach the trapped mouse quickly. Yes, that’s right; the trap was stocked with food and water. GITMO has nothing on us. It is believed that it is a Mouse (mice?) Family and that the 3 that were captured and released “back into the wild” were the older, or shall I say, Elder Mice. Apparently, one mouse was not so lucky, as he/she was found dead. The remaining mouse, we assume there is only one left, has been creating quite a stir today. Darting across cubicle floors, slipping under cubicle walls, creating all out panic amongst the open-toed shod. The mouse’s activities have resulted in two excited shouts (from those who saw it) and one cubicle entry way blockade by the neighbor of the witness. This isn't the first time we've had mice issues. Several years back, all our snacks were getting nibbled. That offender's life was inadvertently cut short by an almost empty pot of hot coffee that was emptied into the sink said offender was hanging out in. Our office has been a bit of a wild kingdom over the years. During its first few days in our ownership; we harbored two very smelly wet dogs from a thunderstorm. This seemed to set the trend with our outdoor brethren, that we were kind and gentle folk. The dogs became cats that lived out by the trash bin. The cats became bats that slept in office trash cans. The bats turned into birds that got caught between the walls while trying to spy on the snake that lived there as well. Do you have any idea how nerve wracking it can be to hear a bird flapping frantically behind the wall? NEVER MORE comes to mind.

We also seem to be the Mecca for bees and hornets and wasps. I was actually stung by one (one what, we’re not sure) that landed on my neck while I was talking to a friend out in the atrium. Our patio picnic tables draw bees, hornets, and wasps as though we coat them in honey and pollen. Were we chased from both tables today by the hovering bees that were unable to return home because my tush was blocking their entry.

After the events of the day, the Building Manager swore us to secrecy when she told us she’d be going out and purchasing “REAL TRAPS” to do away with the remaining baby mouse. There will be no supply stocking of this trap, outside of the peanut butter laden trigger.

Let the hunt begin.

Look With Your Eyes

2010-08-17T09:17:00.001-04:00

F comes upstairs and starts looking around the family room. He looks on the table. He looks on the couch. He picks up his laptop and looks at it. He places said laptop on the couch. He looks on the floor. He looks on the table again. He looks behind the couch. He picks up the camera and puts it back down.
I watch silently.
The puzzled look on his face grows as he picks up his laptop again.
Me: "What are you looking for?"
F: "The data cord for the camera." he says as he motions towards the camera that is now back on the couch.
He picks up his laptop again and looks at it puzzled and then tosses it back on the couch.
Me: " You mean the data cord that is attached to the laptop you just had in your hand?"
F: "Wha? Oh, um, yeah."
Me: "Emhmmm."

Seriously guys, LOOK WITH YOUR EYES.

When Your Stomach Drops to Your Shoes

2010-08-12T11:53:00.000-04:00

The Tenant called. I waited for F to start swearing. It rarely feels that any time Tenant calls, it is something good. This time was no different, however, F didn't swear.
The night before a lovely high heat, high humidity day, the A/C goes out.
The hard ass in me comes out, "You know, we DON'T HAVE to provide him with a/c."
F just stares at me, then walks away.
OK, so yes, maybe we DO have to provide him with a/c, even though that's no where stated in the contract. My point is, I hate being a landlord. It seems that every time F and I plan something that requires us to spend money, something at the Rental goes awry. This time? Replacing the ceiling in the 3rd bedroom that is frontin' as our dining room. That in itself is a story. 4 coats of paint bubbled and peeled off like pulling a sticky note off your desk. All my hard work, undone. Everyone we spoke to was baffled. Except Eldest Sister. "Sounds like moisture to me, a ventilation issue." Ah, her environmental engineering degree finally comes in handy. All 3 of the contractors we had come in to look said the same thing. So there goes $850. Plus whatever is wrong with the A/C that we are having professionals look at.(Tenant still has not called them, so he is still without a/c. His own doing.) Not the guy F knows who took 5 days to fix our A/C in 90+ degree weather. Yet another story. Anyway, every time Tenant calls I dread what I'm about to hear. My stomach drops to my shoes. I love my old house, I really do, but like many people in the good ole' USA, I'm "under water" on it. And there is no way Tenant, who filed for bankruptcy in the past, is going to be able to get a loan for any amount that would come close to paying it off. *sigh*
I guess the good thing is he wants to sign on for another year, however, with the clause that if he buys a house he can break the lease without penalty. My thought on this is, what if he just wants to break the lease and is just SAYING he's buying a house? Can I force him to prove that he's buying a house in order to break the lease? I just don't know these things. I am a lazy landlord. I am a lazy landlord because I don't want to BE a landlord. I hate the feeling I get when Tenant calls. The overwhelming dread. The worry about how we are going to cover whatever expense is going to come up this time. The tense between F and I over it. We need to sell it, and be done with it, but in today's market? Um, yeah.

Any suggestions?

Eve is Lookin a Little Too Much Like Adam.....

2010-08-06T09:29:00.001-04:00

Somehow, me thinks this bathing suit is on the wrong mannequin.

I'm just sayin.........

Zappos, or more likely Nike, you may want to look into this.

Dessert Fairy, Stricks Again

2010-08-03T10:00:00.000-04:00

Around 3pm the other day, F calls to inquiry if I would like some cupcakes. I said SURE!

I think we all know where this is going....................

Yep, another uncovered dessert.

This time however, they had sat out since 2ish. F got home shortly after 7pm. It always amazes me that badly contained desserts make it through the ride home.

And yet, surprisingly, they were still moist 2 days later when I finally got around to eating them. (I'VE BEEN BUSY.yes, too busy for chocolate, feel my pain.) Mind you of course, I'd covered them with plastic wrap. Over tooth picks so the frosting wouldn't stick.

Wait, what did you say?

2010-08-01T10:37:00.001-04:00

E-mail I sent F:
09:10 AM
i have no idea where my cell phone is.

(we send each other e-mails when we forget our phones at home or couldn't find them before we left for work so the other person doesn't freak out when their calls go unanswered)

F's response:
9:11 AM
nice... when did you have it last?

Me:
9:15 AM
yesterday.

Silence ensued for several hours there after until he sent me an e-mail in answer to a question about our evening plans:

F:
1:02 PM
no need to go and it doesn't start till 10 anyways so we wont be home till midnight... answer my text (we are old and must be in bed before midnight. what can i say.)

Me:
1:18 PM
Dude, do you not remember the e-mail I sent you this morning????????????
(yes, I am decidedly over 30 and still say DUDE. I can't quit it!)

Then at 4:30pm he calls me, at work:

F: "HAHAHAHA DH, I know you left your cell at home, but I keep calling it!!"

*insert eye roll and head shake here*

Open Letter

2010-07-27T10:00:00.005-04:00

Dear Mother Nature,

Pray tell, was it really necessary to open up the heavens in Noah's Ark proportions and rain DIRECTLY into my window whilst I was trying to order my lunch? I had to open my umbrella in my car and I still got soaked. Yes, you read that right, I had my UMBRELLA opened in MY CAR.
There are so many things wrong with that.
Including what you did to my pants and the inside of my car.

My pant leg. Yes, that pinkish color IS MY LEG showing through the light tan Capri's I had on.

My driver's side door. The light color is the dry bits.

There was standing water in the little hand hold hole there. Yeah.

Please refrain from raining INTO my window while ordering my lunch. It is bad manners.

Just the Facts Ma'am

2010-07-23T10:42:00.002-04:00

Recently, I celebrated my 36th Birthday. F asked me a month in advance what I wanted for said birthday. At the time, I was at a complete loss because my birthday was far removed from the current things on my mind. However, feeling the mostly ever present muscle ache in my lower back/hip, I requested a massage. About a week later he requested a longer list from which to choose. Again, my mind was elsewhere, I was unable to lengthen the list. (scary, i know) Life went on and I forgot my birthday pretty much altogether. Several nights before my birthday, after being in bed for sometime, silence had settled upon on us. It had been quiet for what seemed to me a good 15 to 20 minutes. Out of the dark F queries, "So, do I have to get you a present?"
Somehow, I knew exactly what he was getting at, "Um, YES."
F: "Do I REALLY??"
Me: *sigh* "Of course!"
F: "Can't I just get you a card?"
Me: "F. Stop."
F: "Do you remember what you asked for?"
Me: "Yes."
F: "Well, I got it for you. So you can make a day out of it with SES since it is over by her house and she's actually got it."
Me: "Um, Ok?"
F: "Yep."
Me: "Thanks."
F: "Do I still have to get you a card?"
Me: "It would be nice."
F: *sigh*

Things.....

2010-07-20T10:19:00.001-04:00

I Did While Away on a Long Weekend.......

1)Left the sliding glass door unlocked.
   -Who knows how long it was unlocked before we actually left, for FOUR days. Needless to say no one came in and relieved us of our 15 yr old non-flat screen TV, or the slow as molasses lap top.

2) Lost $100 in CASH.
    - F placed the $100 bucks he took out down my shirt. (classy, I know) I in turn completely forgot about it and I assume it fell out when we got out of the car for lunch.
Now if he had placed it in my BRA, well, that money would never have been lost, that's for damn sure.

3) Rediscovered my calves.
    - Walking along a sandy beach really brings it home just how out of shape you REALLY are. The 100yards from where we set up our chairs to the stairs to the elevator, had me huffing like a mad woman. My calves are still pissed at me so I've been hobbling about like I'm 80 yrs old. Turning 36 did not help.
4) Got horribly burned DESPITE the sun block I had on.
    -Granted it was only SPF 4, but still, I had applied it after swimming and damned if my chest and upper thighs aren't glaringly red. F likes to poke my burn and say, "Does it hurt??? I've never been sunburned before, you white woman."

One Click Only Please

2010-07-15T10:15:00.001-04:00

Dear BING! search engine,

Um, I hate you. I click on one link and instead of going directly to the story indicated it takes me to your search engine where there are 20 billion links for the same story from 20 billion different sources. I do not care for this at all. Please just take me to the story you indicated so that I may read it, and possibly share it via my Face Book page. If I want to do further research at a later date I will, but being forced to hunt and pick through all the listings is NOT COOL.

Please rectify this immediately.

Sincerely,
DH

Cable Jacking

2010-06-30T12:45:00.000-04:00

Dear Neighbor P who lives behind us,

Over the last few years I'v come to realize that your berry tree has been resting heavily on our garage and, more recently, I believe said berry tree was feeding our rat problem. Yesterday I was completely involved in watching MIB II when the picture completely froze and I could not get it off my screen. I sadly turned the TV off and went about my day. When F arrived home he plopped down to ~~drool over~~ watch the FIFA Cup.
"What's wrong with the TV??"
"I don't know, it froze on me earlier today."
We took turns turning the TV off and on, unplugging things and eventually got the AT&T shit done be f'd up Orange screen. Giving over to the fact that we were now cable less, I headed outside to read "Gone With The Wind". While rearranging my anti-gravity chair (LOVE) I noticed that a tree was missing. I called upon F to confirm my findings.
He confirmed.
On closer inspection we found that you apparently had been doing some tree trimming during the day. I am most happy to no longer have your berry tree co-mingling with my garage roof. I thank you for that.
However, what I do not appreciate is the cable line that is now dangling in my yard begging F to touch it. This also leads to the fact that, um, we DO NOT HAVE CABLE. I cannot express my dismay enough at the fact that you failed to inform us of this great tragedy. Your Tree Guy called the electrical people. It is NOT their issue. It is AT&T's issue. I wish you had left us a note (the other neighbors informed us of what had happened) so I could have prepared F for the despair he was about to feel about not being able to watch the FIFA Cup. F had to call AT&T and play dumb about why the cable wasn't working and now we are must wait for AT&T to come and discover that their cable line has been cut. This is NOT COOL.
In the future PLEASE be more considerate when disabling some one's ~~lifeblood~~ entertainment device. A little head's up would have been nice.

Your Neighbor,
Devil's Heaven

DH Had Her Groove Stolen

2010-06-25T08:36:00.001-04:00

So I've started the Zumba! class at the REC center. Although I sweated my ASS off, I am extremely HORRIFIED to discover that the fabulous booty shakin groove I've had ALL MY LIFE has apparently disappeared. Yes, gone. Gone baby GONE. The only thing I could chalk it up to, Aerobics. Aerobics stole my groove. Aerobics is stiff? I guess you'd say. Where as Aerobics is all LEFT. RIGHT. FRONT. BACK. Zumba! is more LEFT......SWISH!.......RIGHT.......WRIGGLE!....FRONT.....DIP!!!.....DIP!!!!!!!!!!..... BACK....CHA CHA!!!!.....WAVE THOSE HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE!!!!....SWISH! DIP! WRIGGLE!!! HOP!!! I mean seriously, not to boast too much here, but I used to be quite the hip grinding dance freak at Ladies' Night!!! at the local hot spot during college. Now? my hips were all, "DUDE! What the EFF??? That kinda HURTS!" I've lost my ability to swish my hips. There were moments where it would dawn on me that I needed to feel the music and stop trying so hard to get the steps right, and that did help, a little, until I found myself on the wrong foot, facing the wrong way, shakin my booty when I was suppose to be tapping my heel. I realize this was only the first class, and that by the time it is over, I should be doing better. I HOPE! Seriously, I HAVE TO get my groove back!
When I got home F wanted to know how it went.

"Well, I've lost my groove."
"You had a groove??"
*evil eye* "Yes!"
"Riiight."

I'm not lookin to get the kind of groove back that would land me Ty Diggs, although, BOY HOWDY that would be an AWESOME groove to have, just the kind of groove where I wouldn't get laughed at on the dance floor during ladies night at the local watering hole. Is that so much to ask?

Oh, and to the ONE guy that was in the class with his, girlfriend(?), that fart you ripped was nasty, and she had every right to be holy embarrassed by it, and to laugh at you. Seriously, GROSS.

I Call It Soccer

2010-06-23T10:30:00.000-04:00

Dear 2010 FIFA World Cup Championship,

I would like my husband back now please. I am done watching him be hypnotized by the brightly colored soccer(football) uniforms. He sits like a lump in front of the TV and barely recognizes me through his daze. I think I even saw him drool a little the other night.
Also, FIFA broadcasting networks, those horns, the vuvuzela horn, I realize it is a part of the African soccer (football) culture, but seriously, every night I duck and hide thinking somehow a swarm of killer bees (African killer bees? do i see a connection???) has found its way into my home. Maybe at least tone it down a little? Is that too much to ask?
I know America is considered a wee baby when it comes to playing soccer (football), and F just rolls his eyes at me, because after all, in his HOMELAND soccer (football) was a huge thing, but for me, eh, whatever. But I pretty feel that way about most sports. Take or leave, no big.

So FIFA, when will you be over?? Soon I hope? Please??

Thank you so much,

Devil's Heaven.

P.S. The players are HOTT, I'll give you that. Serious YUM factor.

Bat Shit Crazy

2010-06-19T05:14:00.001-04:00

It is hot, but our AC has been fixed, which is a blessing. I was experiencing some pain in my manky ankle and so decided to take some Tylenol PM around 10pm..
BAD IDEA.
It is now 3:50 AM and I am shaky and am experiencing crazy ass anxiety My legs can not be still. I have a case of shaky leg, times like a million. I usually get shaky leg when it is time for me to go to bed. This is truly a million times worse. If you could see me sitting here, trying to type, you'd think I was a crack whore in desparate need of another hit.
Tylenol PM used to be my go-to for a sleep aid. But somewhere it tured against me. It decided that it would lull me with promises of a painless sleep.For years it work. I had many blissfull nights of pillow soaking drool. Alas, that is no longer the case. Is this how kids with ADD feel? I CANNOT sit still. Typing is quite a feet. Holy cow this is nuts. My brain is fuzzy like I"ve been drinking for awhile.I did have 2 Magners, they did not queit my legs, but have fogged my brain.Well that and the other Tylenol PM I took. My thought process was if I took another one, it woud crush the other2. Not so much. This is crazy. I would clean the house with all this energy, but F is sleeeping.
I took one of those pills SIL gave last time we were out there. SOme were muscle relaxer, others where a very strong sleep aid. I finally broke down and something. Oh please kick in soon!! IT is 4:24AM. It's like I have assburgers, Walking isn't going so well either. I feel tired. But everytime I sit down my legs continue to run a race. I really don't know what I should do. I almmost feel like I'm drunk blogging.
IT is now 4:37am.
I just want to get some sleep while it is still dark outside. OMG, please lord help me.
So I Googled Tylnol PM and got this : TYLENOL PM

Safety Information
Can TYLENOL® PM make me feel restless, nervous, or sleepless?

Diphenhydramine, the sleep aid in TYLENOL® PM, causes drowsiness and helps the vast majority of people who take it to fall asleep. Some individuals have reported transient restlessness and nervousness while taking TYLENOL® PM which disappears when the product is discontinued

Um ALL OF THE ABOVE. I have to wait it out or wait for the sleeepin gpilll is working.
I cannot focus anymore. IF you all don;t d=sse my typing skills are being challlevnge. My be it is tikee go back t o bed. hold charp,
Let me seee if u can figure out ow to co]hiiiiiioook up the cable to load a vido i rook. never ,
mind it cam e out like crap. Have a great father da!!!!!!!!!

****please dont judge me*****

Men ARE from MARS

2010-06-16T10:08:00.001-04:00

F sent me a text from work telling me how shocked the women in his office were that he turned down a piece of chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. Being the PMSing wife that I was, I told him to GO BACK and claim that piece of CHOCOLATE LOVE for me!!! At first, he claimed he could not, but I convinced him otherwise. When I got home, he wasn't there, but this is what I found on the kitchen counter in front of the microwave:

God Love him, he brought me the cake.

That had been sitting out for 3 hours, uncovered. That picture up there is EXACTLY how I found it. No plastic wrap, nothing to keep it from getting stale.

Men. They just don't understand the need to preserve the holy chocolateness.

BTW, how do you like my bright arsed mustard yellow 1970's counter tops?? Pretty RAD, eh????

Green Thumb?

2010-06-11T10:07:00.001-04:00

So, I'm not much of a gardener. Luckily the woman who used to live in the house before us was quite the Mrs. Green Jeans, so I don't have to do any replanting of pretty things every year. HUGE plus as far as I'm concerned.

However, I do appear to have quite the talent for growing weeds.

That is our bedroom window. Thank goodness it is at the back of the house where no one would see the 2 foot picky weed that is growing under it.

Um, yeah, the window is what? Maybe a foot above said picky weed? I was actually looking out the window one morning when I noticed Picky Weed waving in the breeze at me.

Does it qualify me as having a Green Thumb????

Bucket Full of....Freeze Dried

2010-06-08T16:43:00.001-04:00

Um, Costco, do you know something that maybe you'd like to share with the class???

$74.99 after $15 OFF

Food For Health™

Emergency Food Kit

275 Servings

Weather Proof Bucket

Item # 104893

What's even scarier? That people have actually written REVIEWS on how the food is.
Apparently they also offer a DELUXE version with a First-Aid kit and "essential supplies".
This is a little too "1999" for me. But then again, I did get hooked on the BBC show Survivors, where a kit, or, bucket, like this would have been quite welcome.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm, how much is it again????

Me Needs Some Pants

2010-06-04T10:24:00.004-04:00

As I said before, I've started going back to the gym by taking the fitness classes they offer. A new round of classes will start soon and since it is summer, I need some cooler (heat wise, not style wise) workout pants. The ones I have now I LOVE. They are super comfy and stylish. But with the temps already topping out over the 70's, I will need something with less fabric. Crops, or Capris, something along those lines. Especially since I've signed up for ZUMBA! (i hope my instructor doesn't wear the little hat like the guy on the web page does. CHEESY) I'm hoping for a really great workout and since I am always hot, I don't want to get over heated by wearing the wrong thing. So I've start scouring the web for some cute, yet functional PLUS SIZED Knit Capris. No easy task my friends. They have to be just the right length or I end up looking stumpy, and that is NOT good.

Here is what I've found so far:

Lane Bryant wants $50 bucks for these!!!! Um, NO. Which makes me sad because they are way cute.

These are cute too, but I think the fabric isn't cotton. I don't that SWISHing sound as I workout.

These are Nike's from Nordstrom's $55!!!!!!! Dude, WTF? They are COTTON.

These are from Old Navy, and you can only order them from online.

The reviews are ok, but the ones with the pockets I'm not so sure about. Potential GAPING issue.

Plus, they're $20.

These are also Old Navy, but on sale for $12.50, maybe worth the try.

These are from Roaman's, and they are my FAVS. The reviews are AMAZING.

But apparently I missed their season, because this color and almost a white tan

are the only ones left in my size.

Now THESE. HELLO DADDY. What girl wouldn't want to stuff her plus sized body into these????

Does anybody know of any good crop/capris yoga pants that aren't crazy expensive and are still available??? I really need to get some!

OOOMMM....Nooooot Reeeelaaaaaxing.....OOOOMMMM

2010-05-30T14:49:00.006-04:00

So, I'm back in the gym. My doctor threatened to put me on meds for my sugar level unless I can get it under control myself. So I joined a couple classes. The first is an intense workout called Butts & Guts. I didn't think I would be able to walk out of the class of my own free will. But I managed. My unused muscles were not happy with me for shocking them back into use. But I enjoyed it, and I know it will be a good 6 week class to help keep me motivated. I was also told that I needed to lower my stress level as well for overall health improvement. So I decided to take a Yoga class. Now, mind you, I have absolutely NOTHING against Yoga. I know it is a practice that has been around for eons and it has many benefits.
But, O.M.G. The Yoga instructor I have? Total FLAKE. Some of her lines are truly gems. "Breath deep. Feel the FIIIIIIIIRE moving through your body." "Even if you drank a little water, your belly is FULL!!!" I can't remember them all, there have been so many. But the one she said last week had me falling over with disbelief. "Now.........move......into...... the Asian squat." (Her instructions are very slow in coming and usually punctuated with alot of "Ums" and giggles.Sometimes she even reads them off a paper. I don't think teaching is her strong suit.) "The Asian squat is a good one. Now I know they are getting toilet seats over there now, but before, they would just squat over a hole in the ground or floor. Right?? So you have to have a wide stance with the Asian squat. I know they got toilets for the Olympics. Right? Lots of those countries OVER THERE don't use toilets. Right?"
My head whipped up so fast, it was truly a Scooby Doo moment of "RHUUUUUUUH??!!!"
Everyone else was just trying not to make eye contact with her. Um, yeah.
Last week when it still 80 degrees outside with 60% humidity @ 8 PM, we wasted 5 minutes discussing whether or not we should have class, outside. In 80 degree weather. We ended up inside where she told us, "Remember Yoga is the dance, and your breath is your partner."
Her style, and her comments make it hard for me to relax and focus on my breathing. This class has not been the stress reliever I had hoped for. So, I've decided to take Tai Chi next.
Taught by "one of those people" from "over there" who know how to do the "Asian squat".

Namaste.

No Rocking Chair for Her

2010-05-28T10:23:00.000-04:00

My Mom called me.

Mom: "I just HAD to tell somebody!!!"
Me: "What????"
Mom: " I just saw the most handsome, good looking piece of male flesh I've seen in about 20 years!!!"
Me: "What? MOM!!!!"
Mom: *laughing* "Oh YES. I was out riding my bike and this construction worker! GOODNESS! I haven't seen anyone that handsome, oh my!"
Me: *stunned laughter* "mom!"
Mom : *continuing to laugh* "He had to be about 6'5", what a great body!! and his EYES!!! OH! I didn't think they made them that way anymore!!!!"
Me: "REALLY?!?!!? Mom!!!"
Mom: "Made my WHOLE DAY. EMMMMHMMMM, SO HANDSOME!!!"
Me: "Maybe I need to come bike riding with you soon............"
Mom: *laughing* "I knew YOU'D APPRECIATE it DH."

She's 70.
The epitome of "I'll quit lookin when I'd dead."

That'll be EXTRA

2010-05-23T09:25:00.000-04:00

I realize this is OLD NEWS, to be honest, this little letter has been sitting in my draft folder ever since I got it from Spirit. And seriously, who the frack do you think you're kidding Spirit??

To our valued customers,

We have all seen how carry-on baggage has gotten out of control.(um, not really.) Longer security lines and boarding process, injuries due to overcrowded overhead bins (say what??? i haven't heard anything), delayed flights and passenger frustration has become commonplace.(because you don't enforce the rules you already have in place, oh and prices are CRAZY.)

At Spirit, we are always looking for new ways to save you money and improve the customer experience. We recently announced our latest innovation(per Webster: "A creation (a new device or process) resulting from study and experimentation." charging people money is not new, fyi.), which is designed to relieve the carry-on crisis(again from Webster:"An unstable situation of extreme danger or difficulty") , saving you time and money.
Our solution to the carry-on crisis(TONIGHT ON 20/20 THE DANGER OF CARRY-ONS):

Lowered fares

Lower checked bag fees(so basically, they are charging you for wanting to have clean clothes during your travels. how self involved of you.)

Give everyone a free personal item allowance(one tampon per?)

Allow customers to carry on an additional bag for a fee and give them
priority boarding so they have time and space to stow their extra bag(so if you bring a carry-on and pay extra, you get to board first. hmmm, is that really fair? Isn't the fee suppose to be a deterrent? I always thought they should board the plane starting in the back and working their way to the front, makes more sense anyway.)

Everyone(who owns stock in Spirit) Wins!

We expect (expect, not guarantee)total prices to be lower

Security lines will move faster(seriously? come on, not everyone is flying Spirit)

The boarding process will be smoother

Deplaning will be faster

Passenger and employee safety is improved with less over-stuffed bins(please, i can't take anymore.)

What to expect for travel after August 1st:

We have introduced PENNY PLUS™ fares available to our $9 Fare Club members** that are 1¢ each way plus fuel, taxes and fees*. If you are not already a member, click here to join.(give us more money)

We have lowered checked bag fees for $9 Fare Club members. A family of four checking four bags round-trip will save $80. Double the cost of being a $9 Fare Club member. Another reason to join now. Click here to join.(give us your money)

You can bring a FREE personal item onboard, such as a purse, briefcase, backpack or laptop computer.(which is different from now, HOW exactly???) Other exceptions are: assistive devices, medicine, umbrella, outer garments (coats, hats, wraps), camera, car seat/stroller, infant diaper bag, reading material for the flight, or food for immediate consumption(not for later! no way jose`).

If you choose to bring an extra carry-on bag, you may do so for $20 if purchased online as a $9 Fare Club member or $30 online, at the airport ticket counter or kiosk for non-members. If you choose to wait until the gate to pay, the fee will be $45 which is not preferred since it will slow the boarding process.( i don't see this going well)

Shorter, faster security and boarding lines. Less frustration while boarding and deplaning. Fewer delays.

Happier customers that pay less!(let me do the math for myself thankyouverymuch)

See you on board soon! We’ll keep working to improve your experience and lower your fare.

Hairy Situation

2010-05-20T11:10:00.000-04:00

When I went to get my hair cut for the last time at my former stylist, she had on a sweater. Not all that notable, since it was winter. Except for the fact that sweaters are rather notorious for collecting hair. Your own, or others. (can you see where i'm going with this?) Normally I would think nothing of this. HOWEVER, said hair was on her sleeve, about half way down. Granted, she had her sleeves pushed up, but all that did was put the extremely long, and extremely NOT my hair, DIRECTLY in my face while she was shampooing me. Someone else's hair, IN my face. Dangling there. Unhindered. Unnoticed. Every time she moved her arm, said unknown hair tickled a different part of my face. Nose. Forehead. Cheek. Chin. Other Cheek. I about gagged as it zeroed in on my mouth. But THANKFULLY she was distracted and I was saved from the hair lip from hell. EW! Even now, MONTHS later it still gives me the chills!!!
It was torture I tell you. Gives a whole new meaning to Teasing your hair!!

24, you are PISSING ME OFF

2010-05-14T11:34:00.009-04:00

First you make Jack a wuss.
Second, you make Chloe seem like an idiot and no one will listen to her.
Third, you RETREAD the SAME scenario OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
Seriously! How many times does CTU hire a traitor???
And Renee. YOU WERE JUST RAPPED. Are we really suppose to believe that in a six hour period you recovered from that and everything else enough to knock boots with Jack? REALLY?
And then get KILLED??? But the doctors who work on you don't have a SPEC of blood on them?
REALLY?!?!?!?!?!?

And Now, NOW Jack freaks out more about Renee getting killed than when his WIFE was killed back in session One??????????? His wife who was ALSO RAPPED???
WTF????
And I'm sorry, but Jack, you took it a little too far with the gutting of the Russian hit man. If it was in the name of National Security, ok, I can back you. But just for the sake of REVENGE??? Um, no.
24, you are not, ARE NOT making a good case for your viewers to want and go see a movie. How can you bring him back from THAT edge? HMMMMMMMMMMMM????

My Hair Apparent

2010-05-12T10:15:00.001-04:00

I've told you all about my hair crisis recently. I am still not loving my style. I take that back, I love it immediately after my new stylist finishes it and then hate it the moment I fail in recreating it at home. What woman has not had this issue? Anyway, I have recently found a hair color that I like, a lot. My natural color is dark ash blonde, aka, DISH WATER BLONDE. YUCK.

The color I discovered is this:

Dark Beige Blonde, or Sweet Latte.

How can you not get behind a name like that? Once again, Target, you disappoint me. You don't have my color. WTF Target?? You keep doing this to me, make-up, hair color, other items, GONE, out of stock. Why do you love to torment little old me???

So I bought this instead:

Dark Natural Blonde or Almond Creme. Another great looking color, no?

Myself, I thought this is even a tad lighter in color, great for the coming summer, right???

Am I wrong? Let's do a side by side shall we?

No, I do not believe I am wrong, it IS LIGHTER.

So can someone please tell me why my hair is now THIS COLOR????

Medium Golden Brown aka Chestnut.

How did this happen??????? I do not see the progression to darker, I do not. Maybe the wrong item was put in the wrong box, I don't know. But I can tell you, I DO NOT look good with dark hair. It pulls all the pink to the front in my skin which in turn makes me look old and pale. It is all wrong. Someone suggested I put in highlights, that scares me that I would end up with red highlights instead of blonde. Did I mention there are only 2 days left until we leave for the wedding Back East?

Um, yeah, now is NOT the time to be messing with my hair. GRRRRRRRRRRRR

A Loving E-mail Exchange

2010-05-04T10:04:00.000-04:00

I often send F an e-mail list of things that need to be done, reminded, picked up etc, while I'm at work so I don't forgot to tell him. Here is the exchange after the most recent e-mail To-Do list:

From Me:
A few things.

1) that $20 ends tomorrow(kohl's money coupon), so you should probably go tonight and get them(shoes, he is like a woman when it comes to shoes). I won't be able to go with you since I have to......

2) cut the grass(hasn't been done in 2 weeks and it is about ready to re-seed itself)....and

3) make my dish for our potluck tomorrow which will require me to....

4) go grocery shopping, i might be able to do this at lunch.

5) You need to go to "the bank" and get a VISA card for L&T.(who are getting married this month which means a trip BACK EAST VERY SOON.)

F's response:
wow that is some list... (please make special note of this sentence from him)

1. ok

2. ok

3. potluck??? leave some at home for lunch please

4. ok

5. I wanted to give them a check for money and not a visa card...

6. please grab a mother's day card for me tonight...(um? seriously?? after your OPENING LINE????)

Me:
1)good

2)good

3)no because you always complain that it's "too something"(my highly requested mac & cheese was "TOO CHEESY" which ended the setting aside of) and hence I said I would no longer set any aside for you.

4)good

5)fine

6)dude, seriously, get your own mother's day card. it means nothing if you can't even pick it out yourself. (mind you, until he got together with me, he never sent cards, FOR ANYTHING. Didn't even know when her birthday was, true story.)

F:
3. I said please

6. FINE...

Me:
3)fine, I don't want to hear any complaints.

6)Good, like I didn't have enough to do already. the card department is right by the shoes in Kohl's anyway. jeez.

AAAAAAAAnnnnnnnnnnnnnd...........END

Forgotten Manners Abound

2010-05-03T10:00:00.002-04:00

My mom recently returned from the south to do her summer here in the Midwest. I picked her up at the airport. She was late, EXTREMELY LATE. I was kinda torked, because there are only so many circles around the airport you can do before you run out of gas. However, once my mother relayed to me the reason behind her tardiness, I grew incensed at the thoughtlessness, mannerlessness, heartlessness, nay! GODLESSNESS of people today. The flight was 4 hours long. There was a single mother with her small child on this flight. The woman was sick immediately upon boarding the plane. She spent the majority of the flight confined to the bathroom being ill in every way you can be. Upon landing, everyone jumped up and started crowding the aisle. Over the P.A. the flight attendant requested everyone to please remain in their seats so that an ill passenger could be attended to by the EMTs. An extremely few passengers sat back down. The majority continued to crowd the aisles until the EMTs were upon them. Once the EMTs reached the passenger in question, those they past jumped back up itching to be let off. Once again they were told to remain in their seats until the ill passenger could be removed. The EMTs left to get the woman a wheel chair because she was unable to leave the plane under her own power. People crowded the aisle AGAIN and tried to stand their ground until the extremely large EMT become irritated (I hope more disgusted than anything) and yelled, "SIT DOWN!" The other passengers grudgingly did so. The EMTs barely had the poor woman and her child on the ramp before the rest of the passengers began jostling each other for aisle space.

SHAME ON YOU PEOPLE. SHAME, SHAME, SHAME. If you were the one who was sick you would have been screaming bloody murder at the other passengers for violating you in whatever manner that restricted you from deplaning your ill self. Personally, if I was that woman, I would have fake puked on everyone as I was wheeled out.

And an extra shame note to the retired doctor who refused to come to her aid because he was RETIRED which apparently means he forgot all his medical knowledge when it came to helping, but NOT when it came to scolding the poor flight attendant for misdiagnosing the ill passenger. WTF old dude? WTF????

This sad act of humanity in no way of course tops these heinous acts of humanity.

Because I’m a Self Declared Expert

2010-04-21T10:16:00.001-04:00

Lately, little to no food has sounded good to me. Yes, I’ll eat. But outside of my morning granola, I can barely be tempted to heft fork to mouth. Except when it comes to Mexican fare. For whatever reason I have been on a Mexican kick for like 2 months. I cannot be satisfied. Everything I attempt to eat that is Mexican doesn’t measure up to whatever yard stick I’ve got floating around in my head. Within the last 2 weeks I have eaten at 4 different “fast food” Mexican places. Let us start with the worst and work our way up, shall we? Because as the title infers, I’ve decided I am now an Expert.

***Composer’s Note***

From here within are purely my opinions.There is no science behind it. If you do not agree with me, that is fine. We are all entitled to our own opinions.

All meals were of the same notion, Burrito, which included, a variant of “Mexican rice”, some form of Steak, pinto beans, salsa, shredded cheese, topped off with sour cream, and a side of nacho chips. Easy enough, right?

From the Category of “I can’t believe I choked it all down”: Rio Wraps! Their RIOriginal Burrito? Oh sweet lord. The “Steak” was, Watery. The rice was tasteless; the sour cream was almost nonexistent. And the steak was watery. Did I mention the steak was watery? The greasy water ran down my hand as I bite into it. Even their chips were kinda gross. I don’t mind whole grain, but these whole grain chips were the whole grain of our parents’ youth, Cardboard. The best part of the whole meal? The lemonade.

Salsarita’s Fresh Cantina. Is our next stop on dusty road of Mexican Fast Food. F is always telling me I use too much salt, and when I cook, he says my food is TOO SALTY!! I of course don’t believe him, and tell him HIS food is TOO PEPPERY!!! Anyway, my point is, Salarita’s Steak Burrito was TOO SALTY. As in I COULD NOT FINISH IT. The meat was ok, other than the saltiness. Not the highest quality steak, that’s for sure. I don’t remember what the rice tasted like, but the salsa was good. Very spicy for the “Medium” I ordered, but still good. Their pre-sweetened tea made my teeth hurt from the sugar content. Thank goodness they had unsweetened tea to tune it down with. It was a forgettable burrito. The chips however were DEVINE. I imagine they would have been even better if I’d gotten the queso dip I ordered instead of the salsa, oh well.

Taco Bell. Some say it is not real Mexican food. I kind of agree, but in a fix it will do. I’ve gotten the Grilled Steak Burrito and the Grilled Suft Steak Burrito. Both are actually quite good. Both would benefit from more sour cream, but that might be just me. They are filling, and the steak is pretty good. The nacho cheese for the chips is kind of addicting in a cheap cheese like food product way. I’m actually kind of craving this now dang it. Luckily we have a Taco Bell right by our house.

Here’s a question for my digital friends across the pond, Why do you dislike Taco Bell? My friend A, who is a transplant in the U.K., begged her friends via Facebook to send her some Taco Bell seasoning because Mexican food is a no go over there. What gives?????

And our final resting place on the road of Mexican Fast Food stops is, QDOBA. Oh, be still my growling tummy. The amount of you food you receive is gut busting. Their Queso Cheese Burrito? HEAVEN. The salsa is good, the meat is fresh. The chips are just salty enough. The rice has a good flavor. ITS GOOD people, REALLY GOOD. My one complaint is when they are building said fabu-ness is that all the sauces end up on one side of the burrito. So when you take a bite on the left side you get an explosion of salsa, sour cream, and queso sauce, but when you bite on the right you get meat, rice and beans. It is sadly lopsided. I have actually asked them to place it down the middle or even on BOTH sides. That aside, Qdoba is my top choice for good Fast Food Mexican. I am still currently looking for a good Slow food Mexican restaurant. Alas, I have yet to find it.

And just for the sake of argument, I have tried Chipotle. It does not measure up to Qdoba. It just does not. The flavors are not as strong, even if they do give you more nachos.

Novel Idea!

2010-04-16T11:42:00.000-04:00

This really made me laugh..........................

Also, love these shoes!