Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Cable Jacking

Dear Neighbor P who lives behind us,

Over the last few years I'v come to realize that your berry tree has been resting heavily on our garage and, more recently, I believe said berry tree was feeding our rat problem. Yesterday I was completely involved in watching MIB II when the picture completely froze and I could not get it off my screen. I sadly turned the TV off and went about my day.  When F arrived home he plopped down to drool over watch the FIFA Cup.
"What's wrong with the TV??"
"I don't know, it froze on me earlier today."
We took turns turning the TV off and on, unplugging things and eventually got the AT&T shit done be f'd up Orange screen.  Giving over to the fact that we were now cable less, I headed outside to read "Gone With The Wind". While rearranging my anti-gravity chair (LOVE) I noticed that a tree was missing. I called upon F to confirm my findings.
He confirmed.
On closer inspection we found that you apparently had been doing some tree trimming during the day. I am most happy to no longer have your berry tree co-mingling with my garage roof. I thank you for that.
However, what I do not appreciate is the cable line that is now dangling in my yard begging F to touch it.  This also leads to the fact that, um, we DO NOT HAVE CABLE. I cannot express my dismay enough at the fact that you failed to inform us of this great tragedy. Your Tree Guy called the electrical people. It is NOT their issue. It is AT&T's issue. I wish you had left us a note (the other neighbors informed us of what had happened) so I could have prepared F for the despair he was about to feel about not being able to watch the FIFA Cup. F had to call AT&T and play dumb about why the cable wasn't working and now we are must wait for AT&T to come and discover that their cable line has been cut. This is NOT COOL.
In the future PLEASE be more considerate when disabling some one's lifeblood entertainment device. A little head's up would have been nice.

Your Neighbor,
Devil's Heaven

Friday, June 25, 2010

DH Had Her Groove Stolen

So I've started the Zumba! class at the REC center.  Although I sweated my ASS off, I am extremely HORRIFIED to discover that the fabulous booty shakin groove I've had ALL MY LIFE has apparently disappeared. Yes, gone. Gone baby GONE. The only thing I could chalk it up to, Aerobics. Aerobics stole my groove. Aerobics is stiff? I guess you'd say. Where as Aerobics is all LEFT. RIGHT. FRONT. BACK. Zumba! is more LEFT......SWISH!.......RIGHT.......WRIGGLE!....FRONT.....DIP!!!.....DIP!!!!!!!!!!..... BACK....CHA CHA!!!!.....WAVE THOSE HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE!!!!....SWISH! DIP! WRIGGLE!!! HOP!!! I mean seriously, not to boast too much here, but I used to be quite the hip grinding dance freak at Ladies' Night!!! at the local hot spot during college. Now? my hips were all, "DUDE! What the EFF??? That kinda HURTS!"  I've lost my ability to swish my hips. There were moments where it would dawn on me that I needed to feel the music and stop trying so hard to get the steps right, and that did help, a little, until I found myself on the wrong foot, facing the wrong way, shakin my booty when I was suppose to be tapping my heel. I realize this was only the first class, and that by the time it is over, I should be doing better. I HOPE! Seriously, I HAVE TO get my groove back!
When I got home F wanted to know how it went.

"Well, I've lost my groove."
"You had a groove??"
*evil eye* "Yes!"

I'm not lookin to get the kind of groove back that would land me Ty Diggs, although, BOY HOWDY that would be an AWESOME groove to have, just the kind of groove where I wouldn't get laughed at on the dance floor during ladies night at the local watering hole. Is that so much to ask?

Oh, and to the ONE guy that was in the class with his, girlfriend(?), that fart you ripped was nasty, and she had every right to be holy embarrassed by it, and to laugh at you. Seriously, GROSS.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I Call It Soccer

Dear 2010 FIFA World Cup Championship,

 I would like my husband back now please. I am done watching him be hypnotized by the brightly colored soccer(football) uniforms. He sits like a lump in front of the TV and barely recognizes me through his daze. I think I even saw him drool a little the other night.
Also, FIFA broadcasting networks, those horns, the vuvuzela horn, I realize it is a part of the African soccer (football) culture, but seriously, every night I duck and hide thinking somehow a swarm of killer bees (African killer bees? do i see a connection???) has found its way into my home. Maybe at least tone it down a little? Is that too much to ask? 
I know America is considered a wee baby when it comes to playing soccer (football), and F just rolls his eyes at me, because after all, in his HOMELAND soccer (football) was a huge thing, but for me, eh, whatever. But I pretty feel that way about most sports. Take or leave, no big.

So FIFA, when will you be over?? Soon I hope? Please??

Thank you so much,

Devil's Heaven.

P.S. The players are HOTT, I'll give you that. Serious YUM factor.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Bat Shit Crazy

It is hot, but our AC has been fixed, which is a blessing. I was experiencing some pain in my manky ankle and so decided to take some Tylenol PM  around 10pm..
 It is now 3:50 AM and I am shaky and am experiencing crazy ass anxiety My legs can not be still. I have a case of shaky leg, times like a million. I usually get shaky leg when it is time for me to go to bed. This is truly a million times worse. If you could see me sitting here, trying to type, you'd think I was a crack whore in desparate need of another hit.
Tylenol PM used to be my go-to  for a sleep aid. But somewhere it tured against me. It decided that it would lull me with promises of a painless sleep.For years it work. I had many blissfull nights of pillow soaking drool. Alas, that is no longer the case. Is this how kids with ADD feel? I CANNOT sit still. Typing is quite a feet. Holy cow this is nuts. My brain is fuzzy like I"ve been drinking for awhile.I did have 2 Magners, they did not queit my legs, but have fogged my brain.Well that and the other Tylenol PM I took. My thought process was if I took another one, it woud crush the other2. Not so much. This is crazy. I would clean the house with all this energy, but F is sleeeping.
I took one of those pills SIL gave last time we were out there. SOme were muscle relaxer, others where a very strong sleep aid. I finally broke down and  something.  Oh please kick in soon!! IT is 4:24AM. It's like I have assburgers, Walking isn't going so well either. I feel tired. But everytime I sit down my legs continue to run a race. I really don't know what I should do. I almmost feel like I'm drunk blogging.
IT is now 4:37am.
I just want to get some sleep while it is still dark outside.  OMG, please lord help me.
So I Googled Tylnol PM and got this : TYLENOL PM

Safety Information
Can TYLENOL® PM make me feel restless, nervous, or sleepless?

Diphenhydramine, the sleep aid in TYLENOL® PM, causes drowsiness and helps the vast majority of people who take it to fall asleep. Some individuals have reported transient restlessness and nervousness while taking TYLENOL® PM which disappears when the product is discontinued

Um ALL OF THE ABOVE. I have to wait it out or wait for the sleeepin gpilll is working.
I cannot focus anymore. IF you all don;t d=sse my typing skills are being challlevnge.  My be it is tikee  go back t o bed.  hold charp,
Let me seee if u  can figure out ow to co]hiiiiiioook up the         cable to load a vido i rook. never ,
mind it cam e out like crap.  Have a great father da!!!!!!!!!

****please dont judge me*****

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Men ARE from MARS

F sent me a text from work telling me how shocked the women in his office were that he turned down a piece of chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. Being the PMSing wife that I was, I told him to GO BACK and claim that piece of CHOCOLATE LOVE for me!!! At first, he claimed he could not, but I convinced him otherwise. When I got home, he wasn't there, but this is what I found on the kitchen counter in front of the microwave:
God Love him, he brought me the cake.
That had been sitting out for 3 hours, uncovered. That picture up there is EXACTLY how I found it. No plastic wrap, nothing to keep it from getting stale.
Men. They just don't understand the need to preserve the holy chocolateness.

BTW, how do you like my bright arsed mustard yellow 1970's counter tops?? Pretty RAD, eh????

Friday, June 11, 2010

Green Thumb?

So, I'm not much of a gardener. Luckily the woman who used to live in the house before us was quite the Mrs. Green Jeans, so I don't have to do any replanting of pretty things every year. HUGE plus as far as I'm concerned.
However, I do appear to have quite the talent for growing weeds.

That is our bedroom window. Thank goodness it is at the back of the house where no one would see the 2 foot picky weed that is growing under it.

Um, yeah, the window is what? Maybe a foot above said picky weed? I was actually looking out the window one morning when I noticed Picky Weed waving in the breeze at me.
Does it qualify me as having a Green Thumb????

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Bucket Full of....Freeze Dried

Um, Costco, do you know something that maybe you'd like to share with the class???

$74.99 after $15 OFF
Food For Health™

Emergency Food Kit

275 Servings

Weather Proof Bucket

Item # 104893
What's even scarier? That people have actually written REVIEWS on how the food is.
Apparently they also offer a DELUXE version with a First-Aid kit and "essential supplies".
This is a little too "1999" for me. But then again, I did get hooked on the BBC show Survivors, where a kit, or, bucket, like this would have been quite welcome.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm, how much is it again????

Friday, June 04, 2010

Me Needs Some Pants

As I said before, I've started going back to the gym by taking the fitness classes they offer. A new round of classes will start soon and since it is summer, I need some cooler (heat wise, not style wise) workout pants. The ones I have now I LOVE. They are super comfy and stylish. But with the temps already topping out over the 70's, I will need something with less fabric. Crops, or Capris, something along those lines. Especially since I've signed up for ZUMBA! (i hope my instructor doesn't wear the little hat like the guy on the web page does. CHEESY) I'm hoping for a really great workout and since I am always hot, I don't want to get over heated by wearing the wrong thing. So I've start scouring the web for some cute, yet functional PLUS SIZED Knit Capris. No easy task my friends. They have to be just the right length or I end up looking stumpy, and that is NOT good.
Here is what I've found so far:

Lane Bryant wants $50 bucks for these!!!! Um, NO. Which makes me sad because they are way cute.

These are cute too, but I think the fabric isn't cotton. I don't that SWISHing sound as I workout.

These are Nike's from Nordstrom's $55!!!!!!! Dude, WTF? They are COTTON.

These are from Old Navy, and you can only order them from online.
The reviews are ok, but the ones with the pockets I'm not so sure about. Potential GAPING issue.
Plus, they're $20.

These are also Old Navy, but on sale for $12.50, maybe worth the try.
These are from Roaman's, and they are my FAVS. The reviews are AMAZING.
But apparently I missed their season, because this color and almost a white tan
are the only ones left in my size.
Now THESE. HELLO DADDY. What girl wouldn't want to stuff her plus sized body into these????

Does anybody know of any good crop/capris yoga pants that aren't crazy expensive and are still available??? I really need to get some!