Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Those Shoes, So Do Not Go With That Outfit

I made it all the way to the car before I realized that I'd put my blue heels on to wear to work.

I am wearing a brown outfit today.
It has NO blue in it what so ever.

Mental fog anyone???

Monday, May 25, 2009

Avert Your Eyes

Dear MSN Web Master,
Please remove this pop-up ad from Hotmail. I really don't need to see it as I read my e-mail. It is bad enough I have to look at my own nasty flab without having to see some else's several times a day.
Trust me, it is much worse in color.
Thank You.

Friday, May 22, 2009


Couple withdraws money, flees after bank error
New Zealand institution mistakenly deposited $6.1 million into account

WELLINGTON, New Zealand - Police are looking for a New Zealand couple who disappeared after a bank mistakenly put 10 million New Zealand dollars ($6.1 million) into their account.
The couple, who ran a gas station in the northern city of Rotorua, applied to Westpac Bank for a NZ$10,000 ($6,000) overdraft and had 1000 times that amount paid into their account. The two then withdrew some of the money and disappeared, Detective Senior Sgt. David Harvey said.
Harvey said Interpol has been contacted for help, suggesting authorities believe they may have fled abroad with the cash.

"We are currently conducting an investigation into the individuals that may have been involved in the withdrawal of that money," Harvey said.
‘Vigorous’ legal action pursued Westpac Bank said in a statement it was "pursing vigorous criminal and civil action to recover the sum of money stolen," but declined further comment.
Massey University banking lecturer Claire Matthews said the "lucky" recipients likely would not get away with the cash.
"They've effectively, I guess, become thieves — but it is only going to be a matter of time" before they are found, she told the NewstalkZB radio network.
The pair would be hard pressed to argue they honestly believed they were entitled to such a huge sum of money, she added.

Oh, but when the BANK makes a mistake, well, that takes FOREVER to correct. How does the Bank go about proving this money Doesn't belong to the couple? Or the other way around for that matter??? I know morally that these people should not have taken the money. But somehow, I can't really blame them.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

I've Got the Double Blues

I have a love of shoes. I did after all order and return 52 pairs trying to find just the right pair for my wedding.
It took me a very long time, two years I believe, to find a pair of blue sandals I could wear to work during the summer months. I love the ones I have from Aerosoles, my favorite shoe haven. However, I just now noticed that they squawk when I walk. Is it wrong to buy new shoes when the only thing wrong with the old ones is that they are noisy? Do I really want to start a new search that could end badly? Even though I have a line on a new pair? Granted, not as sexy as the ones they'd be replacing, but very similar.
What is a girl to do??????

P.S. I heart THESE shoes and almost bought them for my sister's wedding. God help me if they go on sale!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

To Be A Woman

SES and SES_B-i-L got married over the weekend. We are all VERY excited to have SES_B-i-L be OFFICIAL. He is a wonderful guy and fits in rather well I think. Welcome SES_B–i-L.

During my outfit prep for said outdoor southern (read hot and sweaty) nuptials, I remembered that I’d left my new age “girdle” back in The Homeland by mistake. I looked on line to see if there was something for less than $50 that I could procure on my lunch hour. We’ve (and by ‘we’ I mean my female digital friends) have heard of Spanx and the mircle they are. They’ve been on Oprah and everything! I’d tried a pair of Spanx nylons and was in no way impressed. I ran across this and was won over by the fact that it hooked on to my bra which would help in holding off the dreaded nylon roll down. Alas, $80??? Without a coupon? I wasn’t sure. But I went to the store anyway. They had the item, but not in my size. So I continued to pursue the Spanx display. And found these. Remembering my run in with Spanx in the past, I bought a size smaller, because the size they recommended last time, really didn’t make any difference. Fast forward several days to a hotel room. I am a Northern gal. I don’t do heat well. And as any woman will tell you, humidity is not your hair’s best friend. I have the a/c CRANKED up as I am holed up in the bathroom, far FAAAAR from said a/c trying to make my hair curl. F is sitting on the bed whimpering that it is too cold and can’t he turn the a/c down????? Finally he says he is going for a walk. After several more attempted I give up and pull my hair back in a clip. I am hot, sweaty, and cranky that my hair is flat and boring. F returns and we both begin to get dressed. 2 seconds later he’s done and I’m still gingerly removing the Spanx from the packaging.
F: “What IS that???”
Me: “A girdle type thing.”
F: “Are you sure you want to wear that? Won’t you be hot?”
Me: “I have NO choice!!! God, being a woman really sucks!”

F stands back and watches me intently as I slip the contraption over my feet, and then my calves. So far, very good. But then comes the thighs of thunder and the ass of outsized.

Me: “Oh god. I don’t know if this is going to WORK!!!!”

F: “What happens if it doesn’t?”

Me: “Then I’m SCREWED!! I have nothing else to wear.”

I can feel the circulation in my thighs begin to slow as the bunched up whole of the super strength spandex holds its shape, not giving a millimeter of room. More sweat pops out on my forehead. I wobble as I begin to lose my balance because my legs are held tightly together at an unusual point just above my knee caps. F watches in horror as I hop closer to the a/c unit.
Me: “I have to cool down. I have to relax .” I begin to slow my breathing as I mutter “I can do this, I can do this” as I try to keep my nails from ripping a hole into the delicate fabricate of bondage.
After a tournament of twisting and turning, the thighs are sausaged and enveloped into the Spanx. I stop to catch my breath and turn the a/c blower onto High. I let the air blow against my face as I steel myself for the second half. Because these are HIGH RISE I still have 50% more body to bond with the “Shape wear”. I heft, and tug and wiggle and swear, certain I'll ripe the fabric, or pass out from the effort, but then, FINALLY the generous gut has been tamed. I turn and look at the fruits of my labor in the mirror. As I inspect the finished product I notice that I have at least a ½ inch of exposed skin between my bra and the waist band of the Spanx.
Me: “DAMN IT!”
At this point F has turned from the spectacle and is chatting on his cell phone.
Me: “F!” I whimper “You HAVE to pull this up further for me!!!!”
With the phone tucked snugly between his ear and shoulder F takes both hands and gives the Spanx waist band a MIGHTY TUG which brings me up on tip toe.
F hangs up the phone, “How’s that? Better?” he looks at me concerned.
Me: “Damn. Daaaaaaaaaaaamn, this shit REALLY works!!!! WOW.”
F: “But, um, uh, how will you go to the bathroom?????”
Me: “It has a slit. Otherwise, I won’t.”
This amazing stunt of scar less body shaping took no less than 15 minutes to complete.
It took me a good 30mins at breakfast to realize something wasn’t quite right.
In my fever to get this thing up where it belonged, at my bra line, nay, securely tucked in under my bra, I failed to notice that the seam up the middle was not in a straight line. Rather it is curving off to the side. This is NOT good. All the targeted spandex mushing and squeezing powers are off axis, just a tad. Throughout the ceremony I can feel the Spanx trying to correct itself. I manage to ignore it. The Spanx and I have come to an accord. The battle of the bulge was won.
Ok, maybe not won, but at least artificially tamed.
Bless you Spanx, bless you and your mighty weave of spandex!!!!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Connecting with Today's Uet (youth)

My brother's eldest daughter is 14. I have just found a new way to connect with her, TEXTING. She is jealous of my full qwerty keyboard, and awesome purple colored phone.
Getting close to her is a fair trade off for her calling me a "sucker" and "weird" I suppose.
At least she's talking to me. Right???

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

C is for COOKIE dang it!

I went to the grocery store on my lunch hour to purchase some hair gel. I was also in need of some chocolate. Our New large chain grocery store (they built it like maybe 5 yrs ago?) has under gone a massive face lift. They have updated, moved aisles and enlarged the store. It all looks very trendy, with the Starbucks stand and the Sushi stand. Except the fact that I couldn't find the damned candy aisle in order to get my chocolate fix. I was looking to get some Pretzel Flipz . Sweet, salty. PREFECT.
Could. Not. Find. Candy. AISLE!!!!!
Who hides the CANDY aisle????
Do NOT stand between a woman and her candy!
They actually put the name brand of the product in the aisle name, who does that? Fritos? Lays? I'm not kidding!
I had to settle for the candy that they put in the checkout aisle.
I love me some Reese's, don't get me wrong. But they are NOT Pretzel Flipz!!!!!

Monday, May 11, 2009

I have to do What?

SES and I were watching our niece and nephew over the weekend. SES took them outside to play when my 4 yr old niece rings the doorbell to be let back in. This is the conversation she and I had:

Me: "Are you done playing with Aunt SES already??"

4yr old niece: "Yes, I am ready to come in."

Me: "Well ok."

4yr old niece:(very matter of factly) "Actually. I came in because I have to poop. And then you will wipe my butt."

Me: (completely stunned) "WHAT??? You're 4, can't you wipe your own butt???"

4yr old: "No I can't. I can't wipe my own butt."

Me: "Well, Um, really??"

SES who is now standing on the porch: "No, really, she can't."

Me: "Well, ok."

The 4 yr old skips off to the bathroom. A few minutes later from the other side of the bathroom door a small sing-songie voice calls out. " Aunt DddddddHhhhhhh.......I'm dddddoooooooooooooooooonne."

Me: "Ok, let's wipe your stinky butt."

4yr old: "You're silly."

These are the moments that make my ovaries wiggle with delight.............. and anticipation.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

If You Can't Play Nice, Stay Home

Here in my office we try to do things that will make people feel better about having to come to work everyday. We have little parties and get togethers. And once in awhile, we have a potluck.
Today, we are having a Cinco de Mayo themed potluck. And the usual suspect are bitching, as, well, per usual.
No one is MAKING you participate.
It is not required.
If you don't want to join in with everyone, then don't. Eat at your desk. Or bring your lunch and eat with everyone else, that's fine too.
But DO NOT sign up to bring a food item then bitch and moan about having to do it.
Party poopers.

Monday, May 04, 2009


I think that there is either a dead and decomposing worm like creature in my bottle of clear nail polish or a boogie. I have no idea how it could have gotten in there. And it totally grossed me out.
But not enough to not use the polish.
Just enough to make keep turning the bottle in order to get a good look at it as I painted my nails.
Is that wrong?

Friday, May 01, 2009


I'd like to say HI!!!!! to two people who were on the road last night with me. You know who you are. We all were heading Eastbound on a major roadway during rush hour. Remember? It was after a long day. I had attended a funeral for a co-worker's parent, had a heart attack because my Boss called me into her office and after a very long pause of staring down at her desk said, "I just don't want to have this conversation." Luckily it was about a mistake that wasn't really a mistake.
Surely you remember. You were both doing 10 miles BELOW the speed limit. Each in your own lane, one a little ahead of the other, effectively blocking me and tens of others in. 'Member? You drove this way for a good 15 miles.
Yes, 10 miles below the speed limit.
During Rush Hour.

I'd like to say HI!!!! and to Thank You for making a vein burst in my head from the frustration of it all.
If we meet again tonight, I'll be honking and waving, just to say HI!!! Don't mind the fact that out of my five fingers on my waving hand, you'll only see one.
It'll just be cause I'm waving so fast!!!