Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I've got nothin'

I'm drawing a blank for a Blog topic. My mind is all consumed with the fact that we are getting tomorrow off, a whole extra day for Thanksgiving! As I was explaining to my co-worker friend at lunch today, I am so excited about having this extra day off and I have SOOOO many things I WANT to do, and yet haven’t figured out how to get them all accomplished and STILL be able to sleep in. And by sleep in, I’m talking noon-ish. It’s really not all that possible. I want to go shopping, pre-Black Friday type stuff. Finally use the pedicure cert F gave me LAST Christmas, I hope it’s still good, and take said F out to lunch since the nail place is by his work. At least sort wedding presents so I can finally start on the Thank Yous, maybe take a nap and do some holiday baking. It may not seem like much, but there’s always prep involved when going to see your honey at his workplace. You can’t come prancing in in yoga pants and a ponytail. I must be “dressed” and “coiffed”. Which means getting up before 11am. (I’m lazy on days off, m-k?) Anyway, my mind is consumed with time lines and prep-times, so I have nothing to give you my dear digital friends to get you through the long weekend. So I’m going the easy route and getting you all to participate in the post. This means some of you must stop just being a red dot on my map and put your name out there! I know there are some non-Thanksgiving celebrating digital friends, so go with a Holiday you celebrate, anyway, what food dish is it a sin to not have at your holiday meal? For me it’s the stuffing. There must be stuffing, and LOTS of it.
Or what dish is NOT to be messed with/changed/ “jazzed up”? Like adding meat to the stuffing? BIG HUGE NO-NO.
Share my digital friends, SHARE!
And to those of you lucky enough to get a day completely centered on eating and being lazy, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
To everyone else, if I was hosting this year, I’d invite ya over, however, I don’t think Eldest Sister would go for that, so I’m afraid you’re on your own. Happy Normal Thursday to you!

Monday, November 24, 2008


I had a dream involving an office building mate but I didn't remember I'd had said dream until I saw him in the office this morning. I don't remember the whole dream, but I know I was crying and he offered me a hug. I vividly remember seeing how soaked his blue dress shirt got from my tears.
How weird is that?

I also dreamed about F's and my SON. I'm not even close to being pregnant, and yet I've had 2 dreams now concerning said baby and even his NAME. Which is a very sweet dream to have.
But I can't help but wonder, if I dreamed of the kid's name, and he comes into being, should we name him as such? Because, yes, it's a nice name, very normal, but not at all exotic. Which I'd like our kids' name to be, since they themselves will be half exotic, (I'm about as plain wonder bread white as you can get.). By exotic I don't mean, Apple, or Bronx, or Pilot Inspector. Just something a little more than Jane, ya know?
And am I jinxing said baby by sharing my dream with my digital friends?

Yes, I know I'm crazy.

But I'm still going to continue to wonder.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Pot Refuses to Dance with Kettle

"I have to agree with F...you come across as really judgmental and need to get over yourself. Everything you write is with such a negative outlook or criticizing someone or something. It makes you sound like you're constantly a victim and the whole world is against you. Your blog is basically a daily pity party for yourself.

Give the teenager a break for crying out loud. Were you never a kid in love? Did you never do stupid stuff? You write as if you think you're perfect and everyone else is wrong. And don't tell me to stop reading your blog. I will continue to do so...it's like my little form of self torture. I have hope for you though because I always think...maybe...just maybe...she'll write something positive for once in her life."

Some of you may have read Anonymous’ little comment from the other day. Along with her follow-up response to Sassy Two Socks. I know many other Bloggers wonder how, if at all, to respond to negative Anonymous comment leavers (i'm sorry but including your name without a link is STILL anonymous). Calling attention to them may some how give them a sense of validation. If it helps them feel better about themselves, I’m happy to help. Plus, you know, it gives me something to write about.

I do feel the need to clarify or counter point a few things.

1) I am judgmental. And so are you (pot? kettle?) and so is just about everyone else in the world. From a few small snips of my life you have decided that I have a negative outlook, do nothing but criticize and that I feel I am a victim where the whole world is against me. Truly, profound of you. Nonetheless, incorrect. I’m not sure how sharing things that happen to me is asking for pity. I’m simply telling a story by sharing my thoughts and feelings. I know that I am a small fish in a world wide pond, and certainly don’t have the narcissism required to think the world gives two shakes about me. (I realize that statement right there may sound like I’m looking for pity, I’m not. I’m stating the truth. No pity involved/needed.)

2) I have never in my life thought I was a victim. Oh, wait, I’ll take that back. When I was in middle school playing at an away game someone came into the guest locker room while we were out on the floor and stole our entire teams’ jewelry. That time I and 11 other girls were victims of someone’s greed and meanness. So wow, yeah, I guess I am a victim. Maybe I never recovered from that incident and have carried it with me into my adult life and let it affect every aspect of it! (it’s called sarcasm, look it up.)

3) I have done stupid stuff, like allowing Anonymous comments (if anyone can tell me, can you block those?) (I’m asking for help, not pity, just clarifying) Drank til I puked at a frat house in the trash can they were using to collect empty cans.(embarrassing) Mixed my liquor with beer. (very bad idea) However, I have NEVER chased after a boy who very clearly did not want my affection. I was raised by my parents, and most especially my older sisters and brother to respect myself. When it involves the opposite sex, you don’t waste your time, emotions, heart, and dignity on someone who treats you like dirt. I learned this lesson long before I was ever a teenager. This is the lesson I wanted to share with Towel Girl(she was in a public area, therefore she was making HER business MINE and everyone else's business). And yes, I made a JUDGMENT from her behavior (have I never mentioned I have a psych degree? No? Well I DO.) that she might need something a bit more attention grabbing than a sweaty 30something walking up to her and telling her boys are stupid and to not waste her time. Hence the smacking.

4) I know I’m not perfect. I believe I’ve even said so, somewhere in my Blog. If not, I'll say it now, for the record, I am not perfect, never claimed to be, never expect to be because only GOD is perfect. And I don’t believe EVERYONE is wrong, just a very large portion of everyone.

5) I was unaware that stating that I love my mother, my husband, my siblings and my friends was negative. Or telling people to vote is negative. Or telling people it’s wrong to lie is negative. Or sharing how touched I was by my mom giving me my something blue to wear is negative. Or telling people that their zipper is wide open in public is negative. Or getting angry about tainted formula and dying babies is negative. Although I suppose anger can be viewed as negative, so you're right maybe I should have not said anything about innocent babies being killed by money hungry bastards. (oops! again with the negative! silly me.) Or sharing my embarrassment over melted cheese burning my boob is negative. But I could be wrong. Or maybe the personality test is wrong. Or maybe you just don’t get my sarcasm and humor. Actually, that last one is not a maybe, it's a reality.

6) You’re bossy. Telling me what I can and can not do concerning, um, MY OWN BLOG. Wow. Self important much? I also find it extremely telling that you don't give myself and what readers I may have a chance to peruse your blog, assuming you have one, because you commented ANONYMOUSLY. Hence shielding yourself from the same sort of negative comments you so freely leave here.
And yes, the name of MY Blog isn't Unicorns and Flowers, or Cotton Balls and Bunnies. It's about how being an adult can suck. Sometimes it sucks more than others. Sometimes, it doesn't suck at all. Usually though, the stuff that sucks is the most entertaining.

7) I think you might be a bit of a masochist. I mean seriously, “…....it's like my little form of self torture.” Falls right in with the definition: gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification.
And since I’m not a sadist, I AM going to tell you to STOP reading my Blog. I don’t want to give you an easy way to indulge your masochist tendencies.
I will never understand why anyone would continue to read something they don't like. Why? Why would you do it? It makes absolutely no sense what so ever. Unless it was required for a class or something. There have been Blogs that I quit reading because I didn't care for their content. It IS a choice. Don't blame me for the choice you make in reading my Blog.

8) So maybe, just maybe........you'll get it that I'm not posting to please you, or anyone else for matter.


Saturday, November 22, 2008

This is so SWEAT!!!! *SWEET*(seriously, how did I miss the misspelling there?)

I opened my e-mail the other day to find I've been given an award by another blogger!!! That is so awesome. Thank You Sassy Two Socks!! You made my day!!!
I don't really know all that much Spanish, so I'm hoping this is a nice award!

So in the spirit of the rules of this award I must pass it along to 8 other Bloggers. I don't actually read 8 Blog, so I'll pass it along to those that I do. And here by include the mandatory sweetness:

"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind Bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers! Deliver this award to eight Bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."
So here are my nominees:
Pioneer Woman, you give me LOADS of amazing recipes that I have yet to try, but I will!!! And your kids are dang adorable!
April's Reign, you crack me up on a daily basis!
Each of Two, you say all the things I can't bring myself to say, you keep it REALZ.
Go Fug Yourself, you ladies keep the snark alive!
These Little Moments, Miss Molly my wedding day twin, you are a hair and shoe goddess!

Friday, November 21, 2008

Stupid People

This is an open Blog letter to the fools, and yes, there appears to be more than one, who think it's acceptable to ride a bike in the dark while wearing, BLACK.

Yes. While driving home 3x now, my headlights glinted off the metal on a bike which was coming at me. You rider, riding into on-coming traffic, was clothed, head to toe in BLACK. You even had your hood up to cover your head. You were riding on the shoulder of the road when nary 4 feet over was the SIDEWALK.

The other night as I turned out of the gym parking lot there you were AGAIN, in the ROAD riding into on coming traffic. WEARING SHORTS, it was 30 degrees out! This simply proves how mental you are. Once again, sidewalk? Four feet away. Why were you not on it? And you turned INTO the gym parking lot. The sidewalk would have lead you DIRECTLY to the BIKE STAND.
Please tell me how your approach is logical? I realize the law in our fair State says you have as much right to the road as a car, HOWEVER, that only applies if you are riding your bike in the same manner as you would drive a car. i.e. WITH TRAFFIC. IN A LANE. NOT on the SHOULDER. With proper lighting and reflective items so that we, the common drivers, don't almost kill you as we exit the gym because we simply CAN NOT SEE YOU. Because seriously, who is looking for a GUY on a BIKE at 8 pm at night, in NOVEMBER in 30 degree weather???
You are mentally deficient and need to be removed from interaction with the public at large.

Thank you, and Good Day.

I said, GOOD DAY!!!!

Thursday, November 20, 2008


F and I took some of our wedding money and joined the local community rec center. He keeps telling me we'll be doing a lot of walking on our Honeymoon and he doesn't want me whining about needing a nap in the middle of the day. (nice eh?) Since I got sick on our mini-moon, I didn't attend for about a week. When we started going I enjoyed the treadmill on the upper deck walk way and immediately fell in love with it's on board fans. I claimed it as my own. I knew from previous experience that using the incline was an excellent way to change up and vary your workout. So imagine my irritation when one night we went there and MY TREADMILL was occupied. I grudgingly start my workout on the elliptical right next to said treadmill. As I watched the woman, and her son, who very much did NOT meet the 16yr age rule, workout I became incensed. The woman was NOT using the incline AT ALL. All she varied was her speed, something she could have easily done on the TRACK. Then she got off the treadmill and went on, the TRACK. BUT ALAS! I was still blocked from my beloved treadmill by her SON who in no way was using the equipment properly, and still not meeting the age requirement. FINALLY they left and I claimed the treadmill as my own once again. When F came to check on my progress I angrily told him of the mother-son team and their misuse of MY TREADMILL.

F: "DH, it's not YOUR treadmill."
Me: "YES. IT.IS."
F: "You're crazy."
Me: "Whatever."

The next night my upper deck treadmill gave me a bird's eye view of the teenage girl, wrapped only in a towel (she actually had on a bathing suit underneath, but it was the same color as the towel so you really couldn't tell) as she alternately followed/stalked/cornered her boyfriend and tried to convince him to stay with her (i'm assuming that is what she was doing since I couldn't hear, but at one point she was crying and her body language was giving all the right 'break-up' cues.) I was horrified at her behavior. First, in public. Second, wrapped in A TOWEL. A TOWEL!!!!!! I so wanted to go grab her and tell her to have a little PRIDE for Fuck's sake! But I didn't dare leave my treadmill. The more I watched the more I wanted to smack some sense into her, HARD.
As we were leaving F spots her, he had seen bits of it. He does the side mouth talk: "That girl there? She was fighting with her boyfriend."


F: "*sigh* Not so loud! Must you be like that? Judge everyone? Do you think you're better than her?"

Me: " I AM better than her! She has no pride! Behaving like that in public! Stupid girl! She needs a lesson in self worth. PA-THET-IC."

F: "You're crazy."

Me:"Whatever. I'm right."

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


The poop toilet at work, had a magazine folded into the handicap bars.
Seriously, this is a WORK PLACE, keeping your reading material for at home, emk?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

No, You May Not

Things F wanted to eat after being sick: Blue Cheese(dairy is bad for your stomach per the doctor, when you have the BIG D). A hamburger(grease? um, no). Fried Chicken(again with the grease). Pizza(do you see the theme here?). An Orange(acid? on an upset stomach? Seriously???). Ice Cream(NO DIARY!).

When I was a child, and had been puking ill, the rules applied such as this:

1)No eating or drinking for 12 hours after. Eating or drinking just made you puke again.
2) Once the 12 hours had passed you were allowed water and dry toast. IF that stayed down you could add butter and jelly to the toast and the water could be turned into tea, with lemon and sugar, no MILK.
3) If you are too sick to go to school, you are too sick to sit up and watch TV.
4) You are not allowed to leave the house unless it's to go to the doctor or to pick up your meds. NO PLAYING OUTSIDE. (and no attending family parties to spread your illness around to the masses.)
5) Most of your time should be spent in bed, letting your body heal. No staying up late.
6) (something I've found I've had to add as an adult for F) NO SEX until you are Completely Well.

F claims that there were no such rules in his house and that he thinks I'm making them up. I am not.
What rules, my digital friends, were enforced in your home when you were sick?

Monday, November 17, 2008

Why I'm Not A Nurse

I know my profile says one of the jobs I'm suited for is being a Nurse. I highly disagree. A few years ago my young niece was hospitalized because she had a horrible case of Pneumonia. My sister was worn out and asked me to take a turn spending the night in the hospital. I of course agreed. And I felt like such a terrible horrible Aunt when about 5 hrs in I yelled at my niece to stop whining. I'm riddled with guilt to this day about my short fuse with an extremely ill 5 yr old.
That apparently however, doesn't stop me from being irritate with F, who became violently ill over the weekend. He laid in bed, teeth chattering and begged me to not leave him alone. All I wanted to do was make the bed across the hall so I would have somewhere to sleep while he was sick. I was not allowed. I was forced to lay on the bed beside him, while he slept. Luckily I had a book to read. When I was finally allowed to leave, I grumbled to myself as I made up the bed, "Does he honestly think that when we have kids and he gets sick that I'll be able to lay on the bed and keep him company? Doesn't he understand that the world doesn't stop when he's sick? Kids need to be feed, laundry needs to be done, food needs to be made!!!"

And then I felt bad. But I also knew I was right. The house can't stop being cared for just because one of us is sick.
Why are men this way? Every woman I know cares for herself, her family and probably still goes to work when she is sick. Men need to be coddled. Am I wrong? Someone please explain this to me!

This morning when I left F to come to work I told him:
"F, I'm leaving to go to work. I'll be back at lunch."
"So I can come take care of you."
"*a dismissive wave of his hand* You don't need to, I'm fine, I'm better."
"Ok, well I'll come home anyway. No going anywhere, no eating more than crackers and water, ok?"
"Yeah. Can't you take the whole day off?"


Saturday, November 15, 2008

Too Casual?

As I was leaving for work on Friday I saw my neighbor lady, the one who feels the need to make comments about the state of our lawn and garden all summer long, and said hello.

Me: "Hey Lawn Nazi Neighbor Lady!"

Lawn Nazi Neighbor Lady: "Hi DH! How's the new bride?"

Me: "Good!"

Lawn Nazi Neighbor Lady: "Where are you off to today?" (she's also our real estate agent and found us Tenant, she was dressed in a pant suit and even when she goes to the gym she is in full make-up and coiffed hair.).

Me: "I'm going to work. "

Lawn Nazi Neighbor Lady: (in a total mom voice) "Dressed like THAT?"

Me: "Only on Fridays."

Lawn Nazi Neighbor Lady: "Oh. How........ nice. How is married life going?"

Me: "Really good."

Lawn Nazi Neighbor Lady: "Great! That's Great. Ok, well, I'll talk to you later!"

Me: "Ok, see you later!"

Lawn Nazi Neighbor Lady: "Have a good day!"

Me: "You too!"

My outfit? F's long sleeved army green sweater shirt with small navy and white stripes across the chest, boot cut jeans and my hippie tan leather clogs.
I thought I looked cute. And I had a really hard time putting an outfit together that morning.
She apparently thought I look homeless.

*la sigh*

Friday, November 14, 2008

I Got Special Band-Aids

F and I are going to the Homeland for our Honeymoon. This little 3.5 week trip requires us to get shots.
Me and needles? We’re not all that friendly.
However, the chance of being sick far Far FAR from home in a country that’s not as medically advanced as the U.S.A., made me suck it up and get the shots.
5 so far.
All in one sitting.
Thankfully spilt between my 2 arms.
I didn’t eat breakfast.
I didn’t eat lunch.
I didn’t pass out, but I came close.
I figured because the appointment was just after lunch time I would be in and out in 30mins and get lunch on my way back to the office.
Uh, not so much.
Because I’d skipped breakfast (the bagels were downstairs in the freezer and I was too lazy/late to go dig them out.) I was extra hungry by lunch. Mr Flipz White Fudge covered pretzels don’t really fill that gap, let me tell ya. The 30min appointment turned into an hour and a half. An hour of telling me all things to avoid and discussing which shots I would be getting. And then sharing travel stories and 40 minutes of shots. Those extra 10 minutes came from me having to lay down so I didn’t fall off the table.
I was already quite hungry when I reached the office. As the minutes ticked by my hunger started to affect my ability to focus. By the time we made it into the room where the shots were administered I was feeling faint and ill. I was having a really hard time focusing on the Nurse’s face and watching her prepare the needles wasn’t helping my anxiety any. The first 2 shots heightened my anxiety and I got hot and started to sweat.
The Nurse switched to my other arm: “I’ve spread out the ones that hurt most between the two arms.”
Me: “Great, thanks.” (please Jesus, just finish already!)
Nurse: “Ok, almost done. *pause* Are you alright?”
Me: “Yep, sure.” (I thought for sure I was gonna puke.)
Nurse: “Are you sure? Maybe you should lay down.”
Me: “I’m ok.” (stop chattin and stick me already!)
Nurse: “Here, lie down. I’ll put your feet up in a second. Lie back.”
Me: “Uh, ok.” (the second I leaned back my empty stomach lurched, oh crap)
Nurse: “That better?”
Me: “Yeah, just the anxiety, and I get hot and then I freak more because I know my anxiety is up, just waiting for something to happen.”
Nurse: “It the flight or fight kicking in.”

She went on to explain it all to me and I calmed down considerably.

Me: “Boy, I must have looked pretty bad for you to say something. Hahaha”
Nurse: “See the color of the wall there? (a pale cream color) that was the color of your face.”
Me: “oh. Well I didn’t eat.”
Nurse: “WHAT! You should ALWAYS eat before eating shots!”
Me: “I realize that now.”

So I got some special band-aids, Princesses, and a juice box before I left the office.
I felt stupid for not eating and I just felt icky from the shots and the lack of food and ugh.

So yes, I may have to go back if my Mumps, Measles and Rubella aren’t up to date.
I’ll be stopping at Mickey D’s that time.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

I'm all About the Love

I was reading The Country Doctor's Wife and decided to take this personality test as well. Here are my results, and they're pretty freakin' right on too:

Guardian™ Portrait of the Provider (ESFJ)

Providers take it upon themselves to insure the health and welfare of those in their care, but they are also the most sociable of all the Guardians, and thus are the great nurturers of social institutions such as schools, churches, social clubs, and civic groups. Providers are very likely more than ten percent of the population, and this is fortunate for the rest of us, because friendly social service is a key to their nature. Wherever they go, Providers happily give their time and energy to make sure that the needs of others are met, and that social functions are a success.
Highly cooperative themselves, Providers are skilled in maintaining teamwork among their helpers, and are also tireless in their attention to the details of furnishing goods and services. They make excellent chairpersons in charge of dances, banquets, class reunions, charity fund-raisers, and the like. They are without peer as masters of ceremonies, able to speak publicly with ease and confidence. And they are outstanding hosts or hostesses, knowing everyone by name, and seemingly aware of what everyone's been doing. Providers love to entertain, and are always concerned about the needs of their guests, wanting to make sure that all are involved and provided for.
Friendly, outgoing, neighborly - in a word, Providers are gregarious, so much so that they can become restless when isolated from people. They love to talk with others, and will often strike up a conversation with strangers and chat pleasantly about any topic that comes to mind. Friendships matter a great deal to Providers, and their conversations with friends often touch on good times from years past. Family traditions are also sacred to them, and they carefully observe birthdays and anniversaries. In addition, Providers show a delightful fascination with news of their friends and neighbors. If we wish to know what's been going on in the local community, school, or church, they're happy to fill us in on all the details.
Providers are extremely sensitive to the feelings of others, which makes them perhaps the most sympathetic of all the types, but which also leaves them somewhat self-conscious, that is, highly sensitive to what others think of them. Loving and affectionate themselves, they need to be loved in return. In fact, Providers can be crushed by personal criticism, and are happiest when given ample appreciation both for themselves personally and for the tireless service they give to others.
William Howard Taft (pretty freaking good personality company, eh?), Barbara (Wah Wah)Walters, J C Penney, Ray Kroc, Louis B. Mayer, Sam Walton, Dolley Madison, and Dave Thomas are examples of Provider Guardians.

What are your personality types dear Digital Friends?

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Moving On

I would imagine you are all tired of the Wedding re-cap. I know my brain has become mushy as to the details of the events. One last thing I forgot to tell you all, and then we'll move on to other things.
The day after the wedding, F took his family about town, where he got a fat and happy Homeland lunch from his relatives and then took them shopping for "Homeland" groceries to take back East with them.
I got cold leftover pizza.
Cleaned the house.
Took CBF to the airport.

Why did I clean the house the day after my wedding you ask???? Because F decided it would be a fabu idea to have all the leftover out of towners over for wedding leftovers.
I had 30 people in my house.
By the end of the night my knees had crumbled and my thighs were screaming with pain. I was tired, hot, in pain, nauseous and not in a good mood.

Not at all how I'd pictured my first day as a married woman.
My picture involved fluffy pillows, darken windows, soft sheets and meals in bed.

I did have a good time with his family though. His Aunts and Uncles are such nice people. There were a lot of laughs during the present opening. I think I truly endeared myself with his Aunts, always a good. I in fact can't wait to see them again. They made me laugh. All in all, it was a good way to wrap things up.
On to Thank You notes!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

A Wedding: The Highlights (and lowlights)

We arrived at the reception to cheers. It was exciting. The food was great, what little of it I actually ate and the music was bumpin’ as the kids say.
F and I were both distressed at how many people left between 8 and 9 pm. But once I got out on the dance floor I didn’t care. I danced all night long (my knees killed for the next 3 days) and didn’t speak to a good 70% of our guests. Since F wasn’t in a dancing mood, he made the rounds for us.
I had a fabulous time dancing with my girls; we ended the night on the floor belting out “Sweet Home Alabama”.

Some Highs:
- F giving me my locket.
- During the ceremony my 2 yr old nephew made a break for it, trying to reach his dad (my brother) up on the alter. Behind us you could hear “LT! NO!” and hear the pounding of little kid feet before ES-BIL grabbed him. On the tape you can see our photographer look startled, make a half-hearted grab for him as he went flying by and then ES-BIL reach out and snatch him up. It’s quite entertaining.
- Again, we go to tape to see my niece, the flower girl reach out and try to slow down F’s nephew, the ring bearer, from racing down the aisle. She was unsuccessful.
- After F kissed me when we met at the alter Old Priest called us out and told us we’d have to do everything all over again, I begged him not to make me walk down the stairs again.
- F passing the poem I wrote him up and down the head table for everyone to read.

Some Lows:
- F’s friends leaving their trash for someone else (namely me) to pick up the morning of the wedding.
- F deciding that he didn’t like CBF because she told him she was analyzing him as he folded his clothes.(she was joking, maybe)
- W (F’s brother) showing me dirty jokes on his cell phone during the reception. Why?????
- W welcoming me into the family to which I responded, “I hope you treat me well” and he said, “Fuck that, I’m not going to treat you any better than that fat bitch over there.” (his wife that he’s leaving in a year.) (WTF???)
- M in his best man speech referencing his 12 day marriage.
- M answering his hotel room door, exposed. When he asked me if I was impressed I said, “Yeah, if you were a puppy.” (WTF? It was my wedding night!)

The greatest high (after actually getting married to F that is) came from an unexpected place, FIL. Who after spending 4 days surrounded by my family and friends told my Aunt that he was jealous of how supporting and loving my family was and that he understood that F was where he belonged.

Killed ‘em with kindness. Yeah baby, YEAH.

Monday, November 10, 2008

A Wedding in Bits and Pieces: Piece 3: the WEDDING

I was tired. I’ll admit it. I wanted my hair appointment to be later in the day. I hit the snooze. I didn’t bounce out of bed. I finally did get up, and went to put coffee on for my guests. I stumbled into the shower where I realized this was my last shower as a single woman. It’s weird. The little things you think of as your “lasts” when you are getting married. I was so glad I was surrounded by my friends that morning. They relaxed me and I enjoyed having them there to share all this excitement with me.
In all the excitement, A and I left to go to the salon, our appointments were in shifts. R was in charge of the last shift, which meant going to get MIL and bringing her to the salon. Problem? Yeah, I parked R in and we took A’s car to the salon. R calls me, I was already in the chair, as was A. Spare keys? There are none. So I had to call F, who was at the airport getting the passenger van. It was a cluster. And R was none too pleased when she arrived, 30mins late for her hair appointment. CBF went and got MIL, they were both late as well. A and I dashed up to Costco to get food for everyone, and R calls me again, “Where are you?” Poor R, she got quite a lot of the shaft that day. I was 5 mins late getting back to the house where again, poor R hated her hair and ended up doing it herself anyway. (I found out later MIL did the same thing because she didn’t like her helmet head hair. *sigh*)
My hair was fabulous. Just sayin.
I got my make-up done by my fabulous Mary Kay Lady. It was all a blur and I’m not sure she did all the little treatments she said she was going to do, like I know we didn’t do the lip softening thingie. Anyway, make-up was fabu, the sandwiches we got from Costco, excellent call because Second Eldest Sister and her man hadn’t eaten, and I hadn’t either. And Sailor Mouth kept me from putting my lip stick on until “AFTER YOU PUT YOUR DRESS ON”. (somehow I still managed to get lipstick in the hip region of my dress??????) It was a flurry of activity! SES finished applying her makeup while Eldest Sister re-strung my necklace to include the locket from F. R and CBF got their make-up done. SES-BIL (second eldest brother in law) packed the van with all the crap we would need and even Febrezed it because he said it smelled. Finally we all clamored into the van and headed to the church. I think CBF even sang “We’re going to the chapel and you’re gonna get maaaaaaaaaaarried!”
It was all so surreal. The Church was so quiet. Because it was raining it felt kind of cocooned. It was really calming; I can’t wait to see the pictures. The photographer was a little late and CBF had to prod her into taking pictures.
I was alone in the bridal “suite” when Old Priest came up. “Let me see your hands.”
I flashed my hands to him, he was checking to make sure I’d removed my engagement ring to my other hand. “Good girl. Now I need you to sign these, 3 copies.”

My marriage license.
This was it. I was signing something legal to make me a wife.

“How do I sign? Do I sign for who I am NOW or for who I’m GOING to be in about an hour?”
“That’s up to you.” (thanks for the help there padre)

I signed as who I was going to be. So weird.
I was dressed.
My lipstick was on.
I’d de-shined my nose.
Some pictures had been taken. (not all the group shots I’d wanted, I was a little ticked.)
I was alone. All my girls had gone downstairs to line up for their entrance.
I fingered my locket as I said a quiet prayer to my Dad.
The music started.
I could see nothing! I was told I couldn’t come to the front of the choir loft because people would see me. I peeked out around the wall, I HAD to see!
I saw F. Alone at the end of the aisle.
My girls and his guys made their ways down the aisle.
The music changed.
I jumped as the wedding coordinator told me to go to the head of the stairs.
Oh sweet goodness. I was so HIGH UP!
I started down the stairs, and I was doing fine without the railing, until my heel caught in the carpet. I reached out and gripped the railing. I slowing made my way down. And there was mom, waiting with my flowers.
I saw nothing. I had tunnel vision, and yet I couldn’t focus on F. The aisle seemed so long.

I didn’t faint. Is that what you thought I was getting at? Well it isn’t. I couldn’t focus on F, not because I was about to faint, but because I was just so, I can’t explain. I saw him, I saw the people in the pews, and yet I saw nothing at all. It was dream like. So no, I didn’t fall down the stairs. And no, I didn’t faint. So stop waiting for a disaster. geeez.

We reached the end of aisle and mom handed me off to F who kissed her on the cheek.
And then, F kissed me.
BUSTED by Old Priest. NO KISSING before the “I Dos”!!!!
Everyone laughed.
I was still in dream world.
I didn’t shed a tear.(neither did he)
My voice didn’t crack.(neither did his)
It was just F and me.
I saw no one but him.
My heart fluttered as we said our vows.
I couldn’t stop smiling.
Everyone clapped.
We walked back down the aisle as husband and wife, hand in hand.
As everyone cleared out of the Church it was just F, our 2 photographers and ES-BIL(eldest sister_brother in law) who was driving us to the reception.
It was quiet.
The dream world held us in our bubble.
I fingered the ring on F's hand.
We smiled at each other.
We were married.

Friday, November 07, 2008

A Wedding in Bits and Pieces: Bit 3: A Special Moment During the Rehearsal Dinner

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this or not, and some of you may be astute enough to notice, I’ve never mentioned my own father. He passed away when I was nine. There have been a few times in my life when the lack of his presence has been more obvious and gaping than others. When I made the softball team in high school. When I graduated from High School. When I was accepted and then graduated from college. When I purchased my first home and had to live through the first home improvement projects. And of course most recently, when I got married. I love my mother, I’ve said so often here. And I was proud to buck the system and have her walk me down the aisle. However, there were plenty of times during the whole wedding prep process when all my locked away feelings concerning my father’s absence came charging forward and F would come upon me in front of the TV or listening to a song on the radio, and I would be a complete snotty tear soaked mess. The last few weeks’ right before the wedding I was so consumed, and so medicated, that I never gave this fatherly absence a thought. Until we were passing out present at the rehearsal dinner. We gave flowers to our mothers, presents to the bridal party and flowers to Eldest Sister, where I collapsed into tears trying to thank her for her amazing work on my dress. I’m sure no one understood a word of my blubbering thank you.

Let me go back about 3 days before this night. I was frantically running around trying to get the poem I wrote for F for his wedding present, framed. I was on my cell with my mom when she tells me, “OH! Your honey is trying to call me, I’m gonna have to let you go.”
I thought nothing of it. When I arrived at her house and casually questioned her, she grew silent, “I can’t tell you.”
I continued on with my quest, which I finished and it looks amazing, btw.
When I arrived home I cornered F, “I just want you to know, that I know, that you and my mother are up to something together.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
As I was cleaning out the truck, which F normally drives, I found an old photo, of my family.
“AH-HA! What is this? What are you doing with this??!?!?!”
“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

Jump back to the Rehearsal dinner.
F asks for everyone’s attention, one last time, and I look at him bewildered, what did we forget? He holds his arm out to me and I snuggle comfortably against him.
F: “I’m sure most of you are aware of this, but DH’s father is unable to be here with us. (I shake my head in agreement as the tears return) So he can’t walk her down the aisle. ( I lose it as my hands start shaking) So I want her to have this to wear down the aisle so he can be with her.” He hands me a small gold box, inside is a white gold heart shaped locket. Containing a very small, very old, picture of my father. My hands were shaking so badly and my vision so blurred by tears that I couldn’t get the locket open. F had to do it for me. It was a gift of such caring, such understanding, I was beside myself. Thank you couldn’t express everything I was feeling.

My father could walk with me down the aisle.

The next day Eldest Sister sat on my living room floor and attached said locket to the necklace that her own daughter had crafted for me to wear on my wedding day.
I fingered that locket all day long. It comforted and calmed me in a way that is hard to explain.
I am so glad F is my husband. I couldn’t ask for anyone better.

I found out several days later that my friend from England, A was the keeper of the locket that day and she kept psyching out R(my childhood friend since 1st grade) that F was going to give it to me. We both got a good laugh out of that.

I just have to let you know I teared up the entire time I was writing this, made typing not so easy, plus I had to keep stopping to blow my nose.

Don't Lie

I hate when people lie.
I especially hate when people lie to ME.
So when I called the Travel Clinic (we have to get shots to travel to The Homeland for our honeymoon) last night and left them a message to please call me, and I then call them again this morning only to have the lady say, "Oh, I just called you and left a message." *pause* (Like I was suppose to acknowledge that she'd just called) "Oh?" I said. Thinking, uh, I've been sitting here for the last few hours and my phone hasn't rung so, uh, NO you didn't just call and leave a message.
That's called a lie. I don't take kindly to lies.
Especially when you are going to charge me $75 bucks just to walk through your doors.
Nope, not kindly at all.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

A Wedding in Bits and Pieces: Piece 2: The Rehearsal

Arriving at the house after our pampering and lunch, I found F, fully dressed and waiting for his buddies to arrive. Which they did, with their women, and their WHITE CASTLE food. That shit stinks! (And I was none too pleased to find the table littered with their trash the MORNING of the wedding. Seriously? Trash can? Anyone?)
Anyway, SM raced back up to her hotel to get ready while my girls, A, R and CBF and I all crammed into our bedroom to watch me get dress and to get dressed themselves. We completely ignored F and his buddies. More laughing and joking, tons of hairspray and my hair still went flat! We raced out the door to pick up flowers for our mothers and my sister before heading to the church (the girls went separate from the guys.)

I just have to inject here that M, F’s jerky friend? Tried to make some cutting remark to me in front of everyone as we girls were leaving and I looked at him for a sec and then in a voice cold as ice said, “You seem to misunderstand this, in order for me to be hurt but what you say, I have to care what you think. *pause for effect* I don’t.”
Stunned silence, broken by one of my gals snickering “BURN!” as I whirled on my heel and left.
Man that felt good.

Ahem, continuing…….

Half way to the flower shop I made a frantic call to F because I’d forgotten the Unity Candle! He didn’t answer the phone so I left a message and then I called his buddy, L.

Me: “L! have you left yet?”
L: “No, we pulled back into the driveway and F went back inside for something.”
Me: “Thank god! I forgot the unity candle! It’s on the dresser.”
L: “Here he comes…(yelling out the window) F! you need to get the…oh, unity candle. That’s what he went back in for.”
Me: “Excellent!”

A mess of nerves. That was me. A complete mess of nerves. I was more nervous doing the pretend walk than I was doing the actual walk. I didn’t think I was going to make it. But I did. Coming down those choir loft stairs, holy cow, that was daunting. All my BM’s agreed that I should give my mom my flowers on the day of , until I made it down the stairs because as my loving sisters put it, “You were really shaky, weaving all over the place.” As I came down the stairs the first time, my mom said to me, “Are you ready to do this?”
Me: “I think so.”
Mom: “You THINK so? You better KNOW so. There’s still time to change your mind you know.”
Me: “I know, but I won’t.”
Mom: “Good. He’s a good man.”
Good ole mom, tell it like it is sister girl!

SM and A wore jeans to the rehearsal! Even after I had my mom send a motherly e-mail reminding them that there was a dress code. I can’t tell you how many people said they changed their clothing choice after getting the e-mail from “Mom DH. Whoa.”
But it was ok, they didn’t look dumpy, which was really good, but still annoying.
I had a small moment of clarity/panic as F and I were addressing everyone in the Church.
Me: “ (…..)so tomorrow. Whoa, TOMORROW. Oh, wow, yeah, TOMORROW.” As I grabbed my heart feeling slightly overwhelmed. They all laughed.

We headed out convoy style to the dinner portion of the night. Good food, great friends and family and many tears(from me, annoying I know) and the night was over.
We arrived back at the house and F and I said goodnight for the last time as an engaged couple….. as he left to go drinking with his uncle.
We girls were not invited.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

A Wedding in Bits and Pieces: Bit 2: Morning of Rehearsal

A, CBF, R (who drove down that morning) and SM and I all piled into the car for some much needed pampering, MANIs and PEDIs!!!!! YAY!!!!! The place we went I’d never been to before and their massage chairs kinda sucked, but we still had a good time. Even though they could only do 2 of us at a time. Even though I’d booked ahead, for all 4 of us. (SM was just “watching” due to cost.) CBF went first. They took her around a glass brick wall and we could hear her chatting away with the Nice Nail Lady and then her chatting broke into perils of laughter!!! We waited, but it continued so we all tromped around the wall to see CBF practically coming out of her chair because the tool the Nice Nail Lady was using tickled her feet. The Nice Nail Lady invited us to sit in the empty chairs and just hang until it was our turn. A was next. She also got the Nice Nail Lady and she too laughed as the tool was applied to her feet. (CBF, horrified, told me later about the “stuff that was flying off of A’s feet!” as the tool was applied.) I was next. But I got the Mean Nail Lady (really, are you surprised by this?). I also found myself falling into fits of giggles as the Mean Nail Lady applied the tool my feet. It seriously tickled. After all our feet were done we tromped, toe spreaders and foam flip-flops, around the glass wall to the manicure area.

Mean Nail Lady: “What you want?” (I’m not being racist here, I have yet to encounter a non-Asian nail person in the “nails only” salons, and this is how they all talk.)

Me: “A French manicure, but pink.”

Mean Nail Lady: “French Manicure ONLY WHITE.”

Me: “I’ve seen where they are a light pink color too; I’m not sure what it’s called though.” (my girls were all clueless and completely non-helpful in this exchange, none of us get manicures on a regular basis.)

Mean Nail Lady: “French Manicure WHITE!”

Me: “but, my dress is cream………..”

Mean Nail Lady: “French manicure always WHITE.”

Me: ok. White.”

With that settled, she set to work. I’d broken 2 nails during the week and I have one that grows wonky from the last time I had fake nails put on so she grudgingly slapped on 3 nail tips (you boys asleep yet? I promise, I’m almost done.) and proceeded to file the HELL out of my nails. I have to admit, I rocked the WHITE French tips, and my friend R got the same thing and we decided days later that getting French tip manicures was something we’d both get more often from now on.
We laughed and joked and shoved each other at the drying table, it was a BLAST. Then it was time to leave. I was shoving my shoes on as all my girls rushed out the door together.

Me: “WAIT! I still have to PAY!”

Mean Nail Lady: “No pay, she pay already.”

Me: “What? Who?”

Mean Nail Lady: “She.”

CBF: (sticking her head around the corner) “I paid punkin.”

Me: “Oh, wow! Thanks!”

Mean Nail Lady: “Congratulations.”

Me: “Thanks!”

To this day I don’t know if the woman got a tip or not, because I didn’t give her one and I never remembered to ask CBF if she did or not.
Then we headed to Chili’s for lunch, we were all starved! Chili’s rocks my world, but I stayed away from their El Presidente Margarita, I didn’t want to be tipsy during rehearsal.

After lunch we RUSHED back to the house to get ready for.......... THE REHEARSAL!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

This Is Why It Sucks *UPDATED*

Adulthood sucks.
My blog was originally based on this theory, and it seems that perhaps maybe we've gotten away from that. So I'm gonna take us back.
Remember we rented my house? And Tenant was working out well, saving the basement and all, but now? Now, Tenant is on the shit list. Tenant is late with the rent. The rent was due on the 27th, it's the 4th. The Tenant called me on the 27th so he could drop it off while we were out of town. I told him to take it to the neighbor's. He never did.
F called him, he said he put it in the mail. It didn't come.
Now F wants to go to the house and confront him.
I find this scary.
Like seriously scary.
What if Tenant freaks out?
What if Tenant hurts F?
Too much.
This sucks.

Tenant sent the money, MONDAY, not Wednesday of last week like he said, and I'm kinda hacked off that he lied to us. However, he's in the process of placing his 85 yr old mother in Hospice. ( we have no way of confirming this.) So we are letting him slide, this time, on the late fees. Let us hope there won't be another time.

A Wedding in Bits and Pieces: Bit 1: Girls’ Night In

After I cleared out the house of in-laws (or as CBF calls them out-laws, and recovered from SIL's A-Bomb statement) CBF, SM, A (my friend from England) and I settled in for homemade pizza and booze. We laughed, we swore, we practiced hurling to the right, or to the groom’s side, and I shared a few horror stories about the soon to be out-laws. We had a really good time. There were a few weird moments when I was hit full force with just how out of touch SM really is. She really is a redneck, and love her though I do, she must be taken in small doses.
CBF came close to having me explode all over her when she made one too many cutting remarks about what I’m not sure, but I know I put her in her place by reminding her that she’d gotten her own way about the BM dress. She too must be taken in small doses.
A? A is an absolute ANGEL! She is so funny and totally takes the piss out of everyone. I am so glad I have her as a dear dear friend!
Having them over really helped me relax. It was great to just sit and chat with the gals. I wish we could do it more.
And if you ever want to know how to handle a drunken bridesmaid or how to stop the hiccups or locate a missing groom go get this book. It is a hoot and offered hours of fun and laughter as well as some really practical info. Like how to fart without making any noise. I swear, it’s true! It even tells you how to blame it on someone else! We got loads of laughs out of this book. The groomsmen even read it. I’m telling you, BUY THIS BOOK as a shower gift. It will be a huge hit.
Anyway, we called it a night about 10:30pm, what can I say, we’re getting old(and they all had jet-lag). And F rolled in from “just going to get the tuxes” at about 11pm.

Me: “Sooooo, get the tuxes alright???”
F: “Uh, yeah. Why?”
Me: “Right, that’s what you told me you were going to do go do like 4 hours ago.”
F: “Um, whatever. It’s a long story.”
Me: “Did you go to a strip club?”
F: “Yeah.”
Me: “*sigh* UGH! You stink like smoke!!! Go take a shower!”
F: “*shoving his chest in my face* smeeeeellllll!!!!!! YAY BABY!!!!”
Me: “GAG! You are SOOOO not crawling into bed smelling like that! Go! Shower!”

This is the man I’m marrying in 2 days. Oh brother.

Next: The Morning of REHEARSAL......

Rock the Vote

It is a historic election.

F voted for the first time EVER.

He got emotional.
It was so sweet.

It reminded me that we should never take this PRIVILEGE for granted.

Stop being lazy and get out there and VOTE, no matter who you vote for.

And if you live in another country that also has the PRIVILEGE of the vote, bless you. I hope you don't become lazy.

And if you live in a country that doesn't have the privilege of the vote, I hope you fight for it.

*This public service announcement brought to you today by first time voters everywhere.*

God bless us all.

Monday, November 03, 2008

A Wedding In Bits and Pieces, Piece 1: The Arrivals

It's dark outside in the mornings now, have you noticed? It's especially dark when you know you are about to bring mass confusion into your humble little home. F and I arrived at the airport, and parked our 2 vehicles and went inside to await the ARRIVAL. W was the first to come into sight, far ahead of the others, completely ditching his wife and kids. (i'm sure we're all shocked by that.) The rest came tumbling after, MIL, FIL, SIL, Uncle, and the kids. It was like herding cats. Sailor Mouth was texting me the entire time, we'd just missed them, they were picking up their rental car. SIL? Talked NON-STOP the entire ride to the house, where SM was waiting. And let the pandemonium begin! 3 women, one small kitchen, 5 men who couldn't be bothered, CRAZINESS. Getting everyone feed was no easy task, but it was accomplished. I do not do speed cooking well my friends, not well at all. I am no match for SIL. It's kinda sad. Anyway, SM and her man just sat there and watched, SM smiling to herself, reading the family members as they passed her line of sight, ready to give me a full report later. (she was dead on, btw) God bless early check-in!!!!!!!!!!! We hustled them all off to the hotel. Then, silly me, offered to try and find SIL a hair dresser. Have I ever mentioned that SIL is part Jamaican? So the women at my white girl salon were completely unable to handle her hair? Um, yeah. So she and I climb back into the car, and the verbal assault began. Lord help me and my bleeding ears.

SIL: "Hair hair hair hair hair, Do You Understand What I'm SAYING!?!?!? hair hair hair hair, I'm leaving W in two years, as soon as I'm done with school. hair hair hair hair."

Um, sorry, what? Did she just lay it out there that she's leaving her husband in 2 yrs 2 days before MY wedding?

You better believe it!
And the "Do You UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING??!!!??" made me feel small and uneducated, even though I understood everything she said. She's a force, let me tell ya.

But I survived ARRIVAL TIME OVERLOAD with only a small headache and a still festering wound to my cooking skills.

Next, Girls' Night In.................