Tuesday, November 27, 2007


While back East, I questioned MIL (mother-in-law) about having something from The Homeland incorporated into the wedding. She wasn’t very forthcoming. Her first answer was food, which F and I had pretty much ruled out. There really isn’t anything that is uniquely “Homeland”, so I’m still not sure what we are going to do, besides dancing, she did mention some sort of dance. The one thing she DID grip onto like a dog and a bone was the gift registry. She wants me registered, like the day after we got engaged. To me? That is one of the LAST things on my list. I don’t need people sending me shit (gifts) for the next 12 months that I have to keep track of. (I sound bitchy, I know, but really, F and I do not, DO NOT need any more stuff in the house. He FREAKS every time I bring something new in.)Apparently though, people are already questioning her. Or so I thought, at first. She kept telling me things that I needed to put on the registry. An electric tea pot so I can hot water for hours when company comes over. (No one comes over. And unless I’m birthing someone’s baby, they can wait 5 minutes for the water to heat on the stove.) An electric roaster just like the one F’s SIL (sister-in-law) has. The biggest I could find online was this 18 quart one. It cooks a 22 lb turkey. I swear the one she had was bigger, like 30 quarts, but whatever, when would I need that? Seriously? My aunt has one, I’ll borrow hers. Which is what I said to MIL, and she said, “You don’t want to be borrowing that forever, do you? Have one of your own.” The only thing I said we’d need was our good china. OMG, did her eyes light up! I missed the “WARNING! WARNING! DANGER! Will Robinson!” that came with those blazing eyes. As I was home sick recovering from Bronchitis caused by “it’s just an ear infection” pneumonia, MIL called. She was at Macy’s, who was having a sale, and she “found this china set on sale, Did I want it? I could look at it online to see if I liked it!”

Did I not predict this? She’s picking out our good china!?!?!!?!?

“No, NO, NOOOOOO!!!!! “ is what I said to F.

“I told her no. I said you’d go looking with her when we come back next month.”

“WHAT!!!! No NO NOOOOO!!!! I’m not ready to go looking! Jesus! I want to go looking with MY OWN MOTHER!”

He was silent, taken aback by my strong reaction. All my life I listened to my mother complain about her MIL and how often she crossed the line with butting into our lives, telling her how to raise us and what-not. Then as I got older and my friends started to get married I started hearing their horror stories about their MILs butting in and I decided, that if I ever got married, that my MIL would know there would be NO line crossing. My domain is mine, not hers. Stay out!
When we packed the car to come back home we left with a comforter, a frying pan big enough to fry a small child, a cake stand without a lid (“What good is it without a lid?” said Eldest sister when I told her.) a metal fruit dish and 2 sets of bath towels for “company”.

As MIL is loading me up with all these “goodies” she informs me that she buys everything in twos, one for SIL and one, for me.

I wonder how much it would cost to drive a U-Haul over 500 miles?

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

God Bless the Mid-West

Things FIL (father-in-law) said during our visit back East…..

  1. To F’s mother: “Why is the baby still sleeping? .....Why can’t I wake him up?”
  2. To F’s mother after coming home from work: “Do you have any food? I’m hungry!” (no hi honey, no, I’m home! Nothing pleasant at all.)
  3. To me while discussing the eating issues caused by not having a gall bladder (with F’s mother, NOT FIL) “You can’t eat fat! Didn’t they tell you not to eat FAT!?!?!?!”
  4. To F’s mother about taking the sick baby shopping with us: “You’re going to take the baby out with you in the cold? He’s sick!” “You’re taking too long to get ready. You’re going to be late picking up C from day care. You’d better not be late!” (Notice, no offer to watch the sick baby, OR to pick up C from daycare. Needless to say, we took a sick 1yr old and a hungry, tired 6yr old shopping at the mall with us.)
  5. To all of us while we were sitting at the dinner table waiting for him: “I’ll sit down when the food is on the table!”
  6. To F when F tried to serve him by putting food on his plate(we were doing ‘pass your plate’ to make sure everyone got HOT food) “NO! I’ll fill my OWN plate with food. THANK YOU!!!!
  7. And the best for last. To F while discussing their side of the wedding list: “…..I don’t care how much it costs you!! $50, $60, $70 or $80!!!!! WHAT makes YOU think ANYONE wants to come to YOUR DAMN WEDDING ANYWAY?!?!?!?!?!?”

And people wonder why I always get sick when after we've been there. This time? Bronchitis.

The baby had Pneumonia or as MIL(mother-in-law) told us, "No no, it's not pneumonia, it's just an ear infection." as the baby coughed that wet nasty mucusy cough.

Um, yeah.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Back East.....Back Seat

We are going back east to visit F’s family and his friend who is home on leave. This is the first visit back since we got ENGAGED, and honestly? I am PETRIFIED. I’m afraid that there’s going to be a “last minute” engagement party sprung on us, at his church, and that? So not cool. And in more than a “OMG, this is sooooo the wrong outfit for an engagement party!!!!” stand point. When I broached the topic with him, about this maybe happening? Yeah, it didn’t help that his answer was, “No, that’s not going to happen. *pause* But if there are Homeland People at the Birthday party, do not, DO NOT answer them if they ask what our living arrangement is. Just pretend you didn’t hear them.”

Um? Sorry? Really? People I don’t know from Adam (yes I sometimes talk like a 90yr old) would actually ask me if I’m living in sin? And you want me to PRETEND I didn’t hear them? Surely, you jest? So of course, all this morning I’ve been running in my head things I could say that would let them know they are crossing the line with the American Girl. And of course, I’ve also been practicing the tone of voice in which to say it as well. Because as my mother always told me, “It’s not WHAT you say. It’s HOW you say it.” And really, ladies, we all know this, right? (insert your ME-OW here).

  1. Polite smile, slightly condescending tone, “Why do you ask?”
  2. Puzzled look, bewildered tone, “Who are you?” Their answer. Another bewildered tone, “Hmmmmmm, well I don’t really see how that is any of your business?”
  3. Polite smile, pat on the arm, slightly condescending tone, “In this matter, you need not concern yourself.”

Or am I going about this completely wrong? Should I follow his advice and ignore them? And what happens if they go even further and start asking when we’ll be having kids?

  1. Horrified look, “Don’t you think we should get MARRIED First? I mean, that’s how it works where I come from!”
  2. Polite smile, “Well, we’re not planning on having any kids until those that keep asking us are willing to be financially responsible for them. How much can I put you down for?”
  3. Puzzled look, “Are you asking me about my ovulation cycle?”
  4. Completely serious look, “Not until we can find a proper surrogate. I don’t need to be bothered with all that pregnancy stuff.” Look them up and down, “Are you offering us your uterus?”

What do you think? How would you/have you handled these situations?

Monday, November 05, 2007


The lady with the Crocs has dyed her hair, Purple. Ok, maybe more plum, but still. She’s in her sixties. She works in an office. She’s been wearing her slippers around the office lately. Her hair is plum. Last week, in front of a large group of people she comments rather loudly to another co-worker,
“WHOA GIRL!!!! You sure are GRAY around here!!!!” while flicking her finger back and forth along her forehead hair line.

This isn’t the first time she’s called attention to something like that. She’s done it to me too, when I was going through my red phase. She told me my hair looked plum, like hers. She's also pointed at a PMS induced breakout on my face and said in front of people, at a meeting, "What's that???" She’s also asked a co-worker if she would jump if she pinched her butt. She’s also the one in this story, about walkers and common stall "#2"ers.
This is what I spend my days with. And F wonders why I drink.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Losing My Mind

I’m losing my mind people. I have one co-worker who keeps telling me that ever since F came into my life, I’ve not been the same DH. Ever since he’s asked me to marry him, I’ve been stressed out. Most times I don’t even realize it. But sometimes it’s blatantly clear. Forgetting that we are getting married. Being unable to put together a simple little announcement e-mail. Zoning out of conversations at almost every turn. Forgetting to do simple steps in my job. Burning dinner. The list goes on, probably on to stuff that I don’t even realize. And when I feel the stress, I feel it full on. I feel dazed and confused. Tired. Drained. I just don’t know how to combat it. More sleep? I try. Eating better? Well, not so much, because I am a stress eater. Most days I just want to curl up with F and sleep the world away.
That’s not going to happen anytime soon. Especially with the trip back East to contend with soon. How can I sleep knowing his mother is in the kitchen, making us breakfast? Talking about me in the Homeland language? His father’s dislike of me speaking volumes, while he actually says nothing to me, at all. How can I not be stressed? I’m taking an extra day off to recover from it all. I need a drink just thinking about it.

On a brighter note my Eldest sister and her husband have finally gotten it through their heads that F and I are trying to do the wedding on a tight budget. They offered to pay for the cake.
I’m speechless.
But still stressed out.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

I'm A DARK Blond

I am a blond, but I'm what the hair people call a Dark Blond. So dark in fact that sometimes I say I have very light brown hair. This apparently however doesn't stop me from having blond moments.
Last night as F and I were passing out candy there was lull in the kids, so we were chatting about different things.
He turns to me and says, "Next year we probably won't be here to pass out candy."
"What? Why not?!?!?!?"

He just stared at me for a good 2 minutes before it dawned on me, "OOOOOOOOH! Yeah, right!!!"
He rolled his eyes as I giggled and made him kiss me.

In case you're as clueless as I am, we'll be on our HONEYMOON. Because we'll have just gotten, MARRIED. 7 days before. Yeah. Right. DUH.